Chapter 2
Sirius felt a tight clenching in his stomach as he realized how close he had come to losing the strict control he forced on himself when around Remus. He could recall exactly how soft Remus's skin had felt under his fingertips, even with the smallest area of skin possible in contact Sirius had still felt electricity surge through his body and fill him with the desire to be covering every patch of Moony's skin, press himself against him until their bodies fused. The force of the restraint he had to exercise was so strong it hurt, he felt bruised by being so close and yet holding himself back, so much further back than he wanted to be.
He tried to think back to a time when he didn't know the furrow in Remus's brow when he thought or the arch of his lips off by heart. The memory a few carefree days, out by the lake, laughing in the common room, flicked through his mind but the only thing that stood out in them was Remus, Remus reading, Remus laughing, Remus breathing, the rest or the scenes were blurred, insignificant details. They had been close back then, not in the same easy way he and James were close, but Remus noticed. He could interpret Sirius's little quirks, a jerk of the head, fiddling with the hem of his robes, chewing a nail. Remus knew, without Sirius ever having to say anything, when Sirius was upset or angry, or nervous and he always knew how to make it better. When Sirius had come back after that Christmas he had told them all he didn't care, hated his family, was well shot of them, would have left anyway if they hadn't kicked him out. And even though James clapped him on the back and Sirius grinned and suggested a celebratory drink he could tell Remus knew. He wasn't surprised later, when he had just been lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling, trembling with the almost sobs that he wouldn't let out, that Remus's head popped through the curtains. Neither of them spoke but Remus clambered across to sit next to him and knew that Sirius just needed him to be there. And he was.
It was different now. Now the tension between them was like a solid thing, a lumpy, difficult object that had grown and grown and was now too big to ignore because it threatened to suffocate them both. When Sirius thought of Remus's rejection (the whispered "Stop, please Sirius" still echoing through his entire body) he didn't feel the sharp pang, the sting of reality he had expected, it was just a dull ache that grew stronger, a pressure on his temples, like a migraine. He had already known he could never have Remus and this thought ran constantly through his mind with a repetitive thud but he had overestimated his control when faced with this closeness and had slipped up, a moment of weakness and now the confirmation that Remus found the idea of the two of them repellent only served to increase the throbbing in his head.
He could feel the heat from Remus's body, so close but untouchable. He longed for the days when he could sit happily in Moony's bed without these confusing feelings they would stay up late and talk and if Sirius reached out and touched Remus's sandy hair or delicate wrists it would be just because he felt like it not because he wanted to so much it was tearing him apart.
