"Well, ladies. Here we are." He said proudly, waving them into his room.
Quinn smiled. "Not too shabby." She said, sitting on his bed. "I had a feeling you'd be a neat freak about it." The girls giggled, and Kurt blushed.
"I am not a neat freak."
"Please!" Mercedes scoffed. "You spend two hours every day ironing and lint-rolling every inch of your clothes." She protested. "I mean, look at the outfit you're wearing right now! It's spotless!"
"Yeah, why are we wearing these outfits?" Brittany asked quietly.
"Because, Britt, every moment of life is an—"
"—opportunity for fashion." The girls finished for him.
Mercedes smiled. "Yeah, Kurt. We know."
"Well, again, I have no complaints." Santana said, running a hand over Kurt's lower back, and he jumped, swatting her hand away and scolding her as the Warblers watched with wide eyes. "This outfit is sexy." Remembrance suddenly overcame her smirk. "Hey, speaking of which, what was the whole thing about you not being sexy?"
"Yeah." Tina said. "And the 'sexy faces' they were talking about; what are those?"
All of the girls crossed their arms over their chests scoldingly and raised a questioning eyebrow at him. The Warblers listened intently, just as interested.
Kurt looked back and fourth between the girls, and gave a nervous laugh. "You know, I'd be happy to tell you that story...after I take a shower." He said quickly, and swung his legs over the back of the couch before they could stop him. He quickly ran into the bathroom, but stopped himself at the door. "Wait. Rules." He said, and the girls looked at him suspiciously. "One: Brittany, Santana — no sex." The two girls sighed. The Warblers gaped. "Two: No going through my or my roommate's stuff. And three: Don't. Leave. This room." He said sternly, and the girls rolled their eyes. "Get it? Got it? Good. See you in ten minutes." He smiled and shut the door behind him and started the water.
Once he was gone, the girls all started giggling.
Santana smirked and let her chin fall into her hand. "Damn, that boy is one fine piece of ass..." She said.
"I can hear you, Santana!" Kurt called from the bathroom.
"You know what? Good!" She called back, smirking.
"He does have a nice ass." Mercedes said with a chuckle.
"What do you think he wears; boxers, or briefs?" Quinn asked, rolling over to lie down on the bed.
The Warblers gaped at the TV, not believing their ears.
"Damn, who knew you'd have such a dirty mind, stretch marks?" Santana said, and Quinn grimaced at her.
"Boxers." Brittany said, smiling, and the five other girls snapped their heads to look at her.
Santana's brow furrowed. "And how are you so sure?"
Brittany opened her mouth, but quickly closed it and down down at her hands. "I can't tell you." She said.
"Why?"
"Because Kurt made me promise not to tell anyone." She said quietly. The Warblers looked at each other.
"Tell anyone what, honey?" Santana asked.
Brittany looked around and then crawled across the couch so that she was next to Santana, and then sat criss-cross-applesauce, putting her hands in lap, but then leaned over and whispered something to Santana, who was leaning in and listening intently.
Santana's hand flew to her mouth.
The girls as well as the Warblers watched with their eyebrows raised as Santana collapsed in laughter, actually falling off of the couch in the process.
"You...you...oh my God! That's priceless!" Santana exclaimed between gasps for breath.
"What?" The girls all chimed simultaneously.
Santana pointed to Brittany. "Sh-she gave Kurt a...a..." Her laughter wa becoming uncontrollable now, and she clutched her stomach from the sudden cramps. "A blow job!"
For the umpteenth time that night, every Warbler's jaw hit the floor, especially Blaine's.
All of the girls were silent for a second, but then they started laughing just as hysterically as Santana did.
"Hey! Who told you that?" Brittany asked quietly, and the girls all face-palmed, still giggling a little.
Santana recovered first. "OK, how did that even happen?" She asked, leaving on a high note.
Brittany smiled. "Well, it was last year when Kurt went straight." She said. Blaine's jaw quivered in disbelief.
"His 'Butch' stage." The girls all said together, nodding.
"Yeah." Brittany said. "That. So anyway, when we were dating he asked me to come over, and after a while we started making out on the couch in his basement." The girls whooped and hollered. "He was actually really good at it. But then his Dad came down and interrupted us. He talked to him for a minute, but I really wasn't listening because I was too busy staring at Kurt's butt, which looked really good in the overalls he was wearing." The girls snickered. "And then his Dad left and told us to use protection if things got serious, and I didn't know what that meant. So I asked if he meant a burglar alarm, but Kurt told me that he meant a condom.
"I didn't know what that was, because I always go bareback, but he started explaining to me what it was for." Blaine eyebrows shot up at this as he realized that Kurt must actually be pretty comfortable with talking about sex. "But as he was explaining it, I started to get really turned on and started to kiss him to make him stop talking. Then I went farther, and at first he was hesitant, but he caught on really fast." She concluded, and by then all of the girls were on the edge of their seats, listening intently.
"So, he was...good at it?" Tina asked.
"Totally."
"And, Brittany, since you learned so much about condoms that day, did you happen to discover what size Kurt is?" Santana asked with a smirk.
"Biggest I've ever had." Brittany said. The girls' and Warblers' eyebrows shot to their hairlines.
It was then, of course, however, that Kurt decided to come out of the bathroom.
"What was the biggest you've ever had?" He asked curiously, scrubbing his wet hair with a towel, still shirtless, and Blaine tried and failed to suppress a gasp at the fact that Kurt had actual washboard abs, and the unbearably sexy way his hair stuck up in different directions as he dried it. The girls only gaped at him.
"Your cock." Santana replied with a smirk and Kurt froze in his tracks, his eyes widening.
He looked at Brittany. "You told them?" Kurt asked.
"I'm sorry, Kurt."
Kurt sighed. "That's fine, sweetheart. They were probably going to find out sooner or later." He grabbed a black T-shirt and realize that the girls were watching him. He looked up. "Why are you all staring at me?" He asked cautiously.
"Why do you think Mr. Washboard Abs?" Tina asked, and Kurt rolled his eyes.
"Pleasant." He said sarcastically, tugging on the T-shirt, and the girls poured the smallest bit.
He flopped down on the couch.
Santana smiled and leaned into him. Kurt laughed. "What are you doing?" He laughed the words.
"Hush. I wants to get my Kurt on." She said with a smirk.
He laughed again. "Well, I'm all for cuddling; just keep your hands above the waist." He joked.
"Aw, no fair! I wants to get all handsy!" The girls laughed.
"Don't push it." Kurt said with a smile.
"Push it good!" Rachel sang, and Kurt laughed.
"Ah, push it!" Kurt sang back, and the Warblers' eyes widened.
Rachel, Tina and Mercedes stood up. "P-Push it real good!" They all sang, and Rachel pulled Kurt up to stand.
"Do it, Kurt!" She said, and Kurt laughed before doing that one move that stated his erotic revolution; the hip shake.
Again, the Warblers gaped at Kurt's move and how natural it seemed. Blaine, however, was quickly mesmerized by surprise and...oh. His little problem.
The girls all whooped and whistled as Kurt shook his hips and looked from left to right, a dead serious expression on his face.
He stopped and laughed. The girls joined in.
"Oh, God. I still can't believe we performed that in front of the whole school." Mercedes said with a smile. "We looked like idiots."
"Well, like Rachel said — we gave them what they wanted, and what they wanted was sex." Kurt said, sitting back down on the couch.
"I think I kind of liked your idea better, though." Rachel joked.
"Blood?" Kurt quoted himself. The girls laughed.
"One of the many hilarious things you have said while at McKinley." Rachel said with a laugh.
"Oh?" Kurt said, walking over to his mini fridge and pulling out cokes to pass around. He chose a diet. "What else have I said that's so hilarious?" He asked, taking a sip.
The girls looked at each other and smirked.
"Comb through the hair! Slap! The! Butt!"
"We're glitterati. I feel like Lady Gaga."
"My body, is like a rum chocolate soufflé. If I don't warm it up right, it doesn't rise."
"She told me that if I even talked to one if Mr. Schue's kids that she would shave my head. And I just can't rock that look. Even Justin Timberlake is growing his fro back."
"No, she's dead; this is her son."
"OK, OK." Kurt said with a laugh. "I get it. But wouldn't it just be easier to write it down and send it to me?" He joked.
"Duly noted." Rachel smirked.
"And, besides; you forgot the best one." Kurt smirked, and the girls all raised an eyebrow. He laughed and stood up, hunching his back and putting a sickened look on his face. "Oh, Bambi." He muttered. "I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy..." He finished, and then wretched, pretending to throw up.
At this, even the Warblers laughed.
"I-I...oh God, poor Ms. Pillsbury." He forced between laughs, and fell to the floor. He calmed down after a minute, though, and sat back down on the couch. Santana snuggled closer again, and Kurt smirked and put an arm around her shoulders. "Damn, Lopez." She looked up. "You are just all over me tonight, aren't you?" He teased.
"Shut up, I'm tired. And, like I said; you're sexy." She smirked. He laughed.
"Tired?" He gaped. "It's only nine thirty." He said slyly. "Girls' night has just only begun."
-.-
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