Section Two
Halo, Call of Duty, and home

For the umpteenth time in a row Sweetie Belle dropped in out of thin air as James' body apparently disintegrated for reasons unknown to her.

Looking around Sweetie Belle saw some hills and a few trees, along with a small canyon that snaked in between some rather large hills and a few structures nearby.

"Well if I am back in Equestria I'm sure as shit not in Ponyville" Sweetie commented, wishing she was just back with her friends or at the very least back with Cole, he seemed to be the most normal of the people she's met in the past two hours.

Maybe the people here will be more normal the little Unicorn thought, hearing the revving of some kind of engine as a strange land vehicle came roaring out of the little canyon.

"What the fuck is that?" Sweetie wondered out loud, staring in awe as the vehicle rolled to a stop right in front of her and a massive dude hopped out, Sweetie Belle recognizing him as-

"HI, I'M THE MASTER CHIEF, AND I FUCK HOLOGRAMS!" the massive human shouted, with a little transparent blue girl appearing next to the Chief's head and dancing provocatively on a pole.

Ugghhh Sweetie mused, still frustrated at being lost in fucking weird places.

"Alright, so what stupid shit am I gonna have to deal with to get on the next place? As long as it isn't a bitch with dual FMG9's I'll be OK" Sweetie Belle declared.

"No dual FMG9's here, just a super-accurate pistol that kills in three rounds that everyone abuses like there's no fucking tomorrow...wait, this is Halo 3, not Halo: Reach-around, so you'll be OK because this game is actually fucking balanced and fun" the Chief explained.

"Great, can you send me home to Ponyville?" Sweetie Belle asked.

"DOES PONYVILLE HAVE HOLOGRAPHIC PROSTITUTES I CAN FUCK UP THE ASS?!" the Master Chief bellowed.

"Ummm, no" the little Unicorn answered.

"DAMN! CORTANA, HOLD MY DICK!" the Chief ordered, the little blue transparent chick reappeared next to the Chief's groin and Sweetie watched as a bunch of plates moved out of the way allowing for a veiny green penis with an orange head which matched his armor and visor color respectively to come out.

"Ewww, gross" Sweetie Belle commented.

"Alright, so what crazy shit am I gonna have to do to move on to the next place?" Sweetie asked, growing to accept the fact that she would most likely have to go through several more ridiculous places.

"Nothing, 'cause I don't have anymore jokes. Get the fuck out of my universe" the Master Chief commanded, kicking Sweetie Belle like a football into her next destination.


Sweetie Belle popped out yet again in another universe and landed hard on her rump...again, sighing in pain and standing up to properly survey her surroundings.

"Hey, I recognize this place, it's the map Fallen from MW3...but wait, that means- Oh shit!" Sweetie Belle screamed, throwing herself to the ground as 500 dudes jumped out of nowhere and all started doing 360 spins while trying to quickscope each other.

Before any of them could kill each other one guy with the Type-95 walked in and shot all 500 of them with just one burst from the gun because it was such a fucking rapist cannon and allowed him to get 250 MOABs which he called in but didn't kill anybody because another dude pulled out a PP90 and akimbo FMG9's and shot all the MOABs in mid-air because he was such a fucking uber-l33t boss at the game which is obvious because his gamer-tag was XXXL33t420quickscopezzzXXX.

The guy who called in the MOABs, whose gamer-tag was Xx720ThrowinKnifexX, then rage quit the game and went on Twitter and yelled at Robert Bowling for preventing him from getting kills with his MOABs even though it wasn't Robert's fault nor was he even a part of the CoD team anymore.

"OK, all I have to do is find an M16A4 and a knife and then I can shit on all these fuckers and get out of here and hopefully get home" Sweetie Belle said to herself, scrambling to her hooves and galloping away as the 500 dudes respawned and tried to quickscope each other again while the PP90 whore ran around and wrecked them all.

Sweetie Belle snuck into the one apartment that every camps in near the vehicle scrapyard at the back of the map and found a weirdo dry-humping an M16A4 while dildoing himself in the ass with a CoD knife, making him jizz all over the stock of the M16 and collapse onto the floor.

Sweetie Belle snatched the gun up which was apparently smoking a cigarette via its barrel and walked outside with it and the knife, annihilating everyone in the lobby including the 500 quickscopers, PP90/FMG9 whore, and the random bozo with a Type-95 using only the M16A4 and knife she picked up.

She had gone 75 and 0 in the lobby and gotten 2 MOABs and was about to call in the third which would send her home when suddenly there was a blinding flash of light and Captain Price descended from the sky holding a gold Intervention with Stopping Power and 10 sensitivity.

"Holy freaking CRAP!" Sweetie Belle yelled when the MOAB landed on Captain Price and didn't do anything to him; in fact the MOAB did the exact opposite and killed Sweetie Belle, who respawned and prepared for the craziest battle of her life.

BOSS: CAPTAIN PRICE

Sweetie Belle vaulted out of the window of the apartment where the dude who fucked the M16 was still passed out and ran for the grassy courtyard where Captain Price was flying around 360 quickscoping Sweetie Belle and wrecking her shit.

Watching the KillCam Sweetie Belle saw his setup: Sleight of Hand, Stopping Power(which wasn't even in MW3) boosting his 98 damage to 130 meaning his Intervention would be an instant kill no matter where he shot Sweetie Belle and his third-tier perk was Commando(which also wasn't even in MW3 but it's fucking Captain Price so whatever.) As for his weapon proficiency Price was running Impact which means equal damage through objects so even if Sweetie Belle was behind a wall it would still be an instant kill, and with Price running wall-hacks and aimbot Sweetie would have no chance against him.

Wait, he's running Stopping Power(somehow) and SoH instead of Blind Eye and Assassin...I have some UAVs and Helicopters saved up from the raping of those bozos so maybe they'll help me take him out Sweetie thought, taking a breather for a moment after she got quickscoped through three walls to come up with a plan.

Sweetie Belle suited up and camo-painted her face, vaulting out of the window of the apartment once again and running behind a car and calling in a UAV and a Cobra, which Price quickscoped and blew up instantly before throwing a knife and ricocheting it off nine things before it hit Sweetie Belle.

I don't know how or why I keep respawning, like I know this is Call of Duty but this is in reality, so how am I respawning?

The little Unicorn couldn't answer her own question, and instead decided she would have to swap the M16A4 for another gun.

Running outside into the overgrown alleyway Sweetie Belle found a pile of Type-95s and a wounded CoD player, who said "take 'em, you'll need them more than me...remember my KD...HUUURRK! BLAAAAAAAGH."

He was dead.

"Can't you just respawn?" Sweetie Belle asked, the answer to her question coming in the form of the feed saying "every fucking player left the game."

It was just her, Captain Price, and the dude passed out in the apartment who wasn't doing anything.

Sweetie Belle took a Type-95 and a set of FMG9's and replaced her frag grenade with a throwing knife and ran across the map to get to the grassy courtyard where Captain Price was waiting for her with his Intervention, attempting to quickscope her and missing as he put rounds on him with the Type-95, feeling kind of dirty for even holding the weapon let alone using it.

I have no choice, it's either this or lose and be forced to live the rest of my life flying through dimensions meeting fucking weird people Sweetie Belle thought, reloading her Type-95(which had Rapid Fire and a red-dot sight on it) and popping up and dumping rounds into Captain Price.

I need fucking Scavenger 'cause I'm running out of ammo Sweetie thought.

Captain Price flew over her and did 1080 spin and drag-shotted the little Unicorn so hard that she swore he was firing a constant laser beam from his Intervention.

Sweetie Belle respawned in the apartment and said "damn, how am I supposed to beat this guy? Two more deaths and I'll be stuck travelling the universe forever."

Price no-scoped her through five buildings, bringing her down to one life.

It was over for her.

Just then the dude in the apartment woke up and yelled "SWEETIE BELLE?!"

"Cole?! You were the one who fucked my M16A4?" the Unicorn filly exclaimed.

"Yes, where is it! What are you doing here, anyway?" Cole asked, crouching down as Price spun in circles in the background trying to quickscope them and missing...somehow.

"I had to ditch the M16 for this Type-95 because I couldn't kill Price with it" Sweetie explained.

"DA FAQ, BRAH?! We NEED that M16, it's special to me!" the human declared, confusing Sweetie Belle.

"Why? Don't you always have it in your Custom Class titled 'Assault' which you totally didn't rip off of Battlefield 3 besmirching its good name in the process?" the Unicorn said.

"Shush, they don't need to know that. But you need to know this, Sweetie Belle: no matter what you do in life you must remember that you can do well with bad guns in Call of Duty and you must never sell out and pick up this bitch-device" Cole explained, snatching up the Type-95 and eating it because it was Chinese and therefore was shit...though he'll probably get lead poisoning because the paint is a 100% lead based.

"Drop those FMG9's too and take me to where you dropped the M16" Cole requested, the two of them running out of the building and Sweetie leading him to the overgrown alley.

"I'M GONNA FIND YOU, YA MUPPETS!" Price yelled.

"Shit, you're fighting Captain Price? Then you definitely need this M16A4" the uber-leet player stated.

"But when I used it I couldn't hit anything except the walls around him" Sweetie protested.

"That's what we call lag; some dipshit in the game lobby was probably leeching the WiFi signal from his local WalMart and the game gave him host because Robert Bowling is a fucking loser douchebag."

"So what makes this M16 so special to you anyway?" Sweetie inquired.

"One, I just had sex with it, so now I have to take it to dinner. And two, it ties back into the lesson I just gave you: no matter how beast a CoD player is doing using OP weapons and just generally being a douchebag you will always be the better player for handicapping yourself with a piece of shit gun" Cole told her.

"So the lesson is be a noble and fair player by using the shittist weapon in the game? How are you talking to me, anyway?" the filly stated.

"Apparently you got sent into the CoD universe so I just got into this free-for-all on Fallen and you were here. So instead of fighting the 500 quickscopers I just had sex with my M16. So I'm playing the game which you are now in, apparently, and I'm just talking to you via my Turtle Beach X32's, which I paid 100$ for because they're fucking boss" Cole answered.

"Alright, let's go get this bastard!" Sweetie exclaimed, rushing outside with Cole and sprinting for the grassy courtyard and beginning the true fight against Captain Price.

"So what's his setup?" Cole inquired, taking cover behind a wall and handing Sweetie Belle akimbo .44 Magnums which were fucking rapist cannons.

"Just read a couple paragraphs back and you'll know" Belle answered.

...

"Shit, I didn't know Price was such a hacker whore. Well let's just be grateful that Soap died in the campaign(spoilers for the win) otherwise we'd be fucking boned" Cole said.

Cole then stood and got 360 quickscoped by Price, yelling "AARRGHH!" and then respawned right next to Sweetie Belle.

"I hate to say it but I don't think we're gonna survive this... Well, I will because I'm not in the game like it's the fucking Matrix but I think you're screwed Sweetie Belle" Cole told her.

"I don't want to be screwed, I just want to go home!" Sweetie screamed, breaking and down and full-blown crying as Price came in slowly with the Jaws theme playing in the background as he prepared to dramatically 360 quickscope them both with one bullet.

Suddenly some black dude appeared out of nowhere and before Captain Price quickscoped him he screamed "TACTICAL NUKE INBOUND!"

"Shit" Cole commented, ducking down as Price went crazy with the Intervention.

"Is that bad?" Sweetie asked, concerned for their safety.

"Very. The MOABs are fucking worthless by comparison. Tac nuke's are the fucking end-all in CoD..."

"Listen to me, Sweetie Belle, you need to get out of here before that nuke comes in and kills all of us" Cole said to her.

"But you'll be OK, right? I mean it's just a game in your world, right?" Sweetie said, her eyes starting to water up and her bottom lip beginning to quiver; despite only knowing Cole very briefly she was still concerned for his safety.

"No, the MW2 nuke was a fucking super-weapon. It could kill people across different maps, lobbies, and servers...and games apparently. It was so powerful Robert Bowling took it out and replaced it with the pussy MOAB in this game. When this nuke lands I will most definitely not be OK" Cole explained.

"B-but..." Sweetie started to say, about to start crying hard.

"I'm sorry, Sweetie, but this is the way it has to be" Cole responded, slamming his M16A4 down on its stock at which point it turned into a 21st century Excalibur and became super-charged, shooting a portal into the sky which opened up into Equestria; Sweetie Belle could see the CMC clubhouse through the portal.

"We've only got one shot at this, Sweetie Belle, so let's make it count" Cole declared, grabbing Sweetie Belle and kissing her on the forehead.

"Good luck, Mister Cole. Even though I've only known you for a very short time and in that time you seemed to be very weird I've learned that you're actually a really nice guy...I love you, you're a good friend" the little Unicorn filly confessed.

Cole smiled and said "I love you, too, Sweetie Belle... Goodbye."

The human cocked his arm back and threw Sweetie Belle hard into the sky where she careened right through the portal which closed just as the tactical nuke landed, obliterating everything on the map including Captain Price, whose quickscoping skills just couldn't save him from the fucking uber-l33t beast that was the MW2 nuke.

Oh, and Cole got fucking wrecked too.


"It's been two hours, Scootaloo. Maybe we should tell somepony 'bout Sweetie Belle" Applebloom said, her and Scootaloo still standing outside the clubhouse next to the cannon they launched Sweetie Belle out of.

"But we'll get in trouble!" Scootaloo yelled, fear behind her eyes: both for getting in trouble and for Sweetie Belle.

"I know, Scootaloo! But I'm scared about Sweetie Belle! Somepony needs to know" Applebloom replied.

Before the two of them could argue about it further a weird portal opened above them, briefly allowing them to see some kind of grassy courtyard before Sweetie Belle fell through the portal and it closed with a bright flash.

"Oww!" Sweetie cried out as she landed on her rump next to them.

"SWEETIE BELLE!" Scootaloo and Applebloom shouted in unison, rushing over and hugging her tightly.

"Girls, I'm so happy to see you!" Sweetie Belle yelled back, returning the hug and exhaling in happiness.

"Where did you even go, anyway? You were gone for two hours!" Scootaloo exclaimed.

"It's a long story, girls. I'll tell you all about it after I take a nap" Sweetie promised them, yawning and stretching her hooves.

"A nap?" Scootaloo scoffed. "What are you, a little baby?"

"Bitch, don't make me rape you with an M16" Sweetie Belle responded with a devious smirk, climbing up into the clubhouse and crawling into her sleeping bag, wondering where Cole might be at this moment and hoping that he's OK.

...

He isn't.


End of fucking story.

Author's note: wadda fuck was I smoking when I wrote this? I don't know, all I know is that I ate a lot of capsule-shaped candies and now I feel weird.

Hey, Blackburn, where's my PURE UNCUT COCAINE?!

If you read this story on FIMFiction you'll get the full experience, including a link to the tactical nuke alarm in the appropriate section of the story. My other stories are there as well with various improvements like links to songs to play during certain sections.

Shameless self-advertising.

GARRUS, HOLD MY DICK WHILE I SMOKE SOME PURE UNCUT COCAINE!

-Cn1