A/N:
Its confirmed, I only have the drive to write fanfiction when I have school stuff due! Well, guess that's good news for you guys ^-^
Just want to note that A&D will NOT have the same formatting as S&B did. (meaning that i won't try and make the intros and outros relate, each chapter in 'Ambiguous' won't have a same themed sister chapter in 'Defined' like I did in Subtle and Blunt - cause it's just too hard.)
What am I to you?
Clinking of keys, a soft click and the creaking of a door – Natsuki let herself into her shared dorm room.
"You're earlier than expected, Natsuki. I thought you're stay out until after curfew." Mai greeted from the living room, glancing from the wall clock to the blunette, who was still in her bike suit she saw her in earlier today.
"Oh, yeah." The words come out as no more than a murmur, as the biker tossed her keys to the holder by the table near the door, her hand returning back to rub the back of her neck.
"So… um… how was Fujino-san?" the red head asked cautiously testing the waters.
The cook was sitting on the three seater couch in her pyjamas with her legs folded up besides her, clutching a pillow close to herself; with the T. front of her - turned on with the volume down so she could hear the blunette's answer.
"She's okay… Where's Mikoto?" Natsuki answered and questioned dully.
"She's still not back yet. She's got half an hour before she's past curfew, then I'll have an excuse to not make her ramen." Mai replied, realising the blunette's intention of changing the topic. So in turn Mai tried to lighten up the biker's mood.
"Heh, you know you always cave in after an hour of her begging and whining." Natsuki teased, her voice sounding more tired than playful.
"Yeah, like you could hold out for even 10 minutes with her."
The blunette smirked at the comment and proceeded to her drawers that were situated to the side of the spacious room, next to the three parallel aligned single beds, and gathered her pyjamas and a towel to get ready for her bath.
While digging for her underwear, she spoke again:
"Hey, Mai?"
"Yeah?" The red-head, who just recently turn up the volume on the T.V., turn it back down again, and twisted her head to the blunette's direction.
"D-Do you remember the last time I went to see Shizuru? Or when Shizuru and I went to meet up?" The blunette's voice was quiet and held a form of forced calm to it.
"Huh? … The last time you saw Fujino-san? … You know, I may ask 'where are you going?' a lot but it's not like I know exactly where you've been and who you're with, as if I have some sort of tracker on you. Mikoto on the other hand…"
" – J-just whatever you remember, the last time I told you I was going to meet up with Shizuru. The last time." Natsuki had walked up to the back of the couch looking at the red-hair calmly and seriously in the eyes but the sound of urgency in her voice betrayed her true feelings of anxiety.
Mai sensing the answer to this question to be important to the blunette, turned back to the T.V. to untwist her body - thinking hard to recall her memories.
"Hmmm… Well I guess it would be that time, like five months ago, where I had to leave Mikoto with Nao and Aoi - since I had work - and you were going to do something with Fujino-san… Man, if I knew Chie was going over I wouldn't have left her there; I can't believe I'm saying this but Thank God Nao was there! Just imagine how many 'more' questions she would come running to me and asking?" She exclaimed, once again trying to lighten up the mood the moment she sensed a heavy atmosphere spreading from the person behind her.
Mai turned to look at the girl and sees her room-mate looking like she was in deep thought staring at the towel in her hand.
"Natsuki? What's wrong?" Mai asked in concern.
"No, nothing." Green eyes refused to meet violet.
Just when Mai wanted to ask further, the noise of the door opening and closing took both their attention. A young raven haired girl entered the room sporting a bright shining smile, lightening the slowly darkening room.
"Mikoto! Do you know what time it is?"
"Before curfew?" Mikoto replied innocently.
"Well yes, but you're really sliming it, you know." the motherly friend chided.
Then Natuski interrupted "I'm going to go take a bath now."
"Oh… yeah okay." Mai turned her attention back to her blue-haired friend looking worriedly to the back of the girl's form.
"Mai? Is something wrong?"
"No… Nothing you need to worry about." She smiled patting the cat-girl's unruly hair.
That night, I laid in my bed, staring blanking at the whitish coloured ceiling above me. My mind refusing to halt in it's thought.
The strong unexplainable feelings I felt today, that drove me to seek out and confront Shizuru, had subsided - leaving me at a lost. During the whole encounter I had with Shizuru, I had not once ponder on the reason behind those feelings and had let it fuel my mindless actions, completely confident and trusting that they were the right choices, but now that those gnawing sensations that directed those actions has left - I don't know what I should do or what actually it is that I want anymore.
'Five months, five months… has it really been that long? What happened during that time? I don't even remember' My mind churned to accept the fact that Shizuru had been out of my life for such a long time without my knowing.
'…And what is with that look she gave me.'
I tossed, as memories of today's earlier departure from Shizuru's apartment flashed through my mind.
"I'll come over tomorrow, so we can catch up properly okay?" I said through the flipped up glass of my helmet, taking the spare Shizuru was handing to me.
"Hm." The brunette made an affirmative noise, her thoughtful gaze moved from the headgear she just transferred, to my eyes.
Her face held a mix of emotions, looking weary and tired; her eyes seemed as though she held a tiny flicker of hope – but one that seems to be attacked by a never-ending onslaught of pain, hurt and discomfort.
I stared hard into the dresser beside my bed.
'Why did she have that face?'
In my heart, I felt that I already know the answer, but for some reason it refused to surface into my mind, so I ignored it – casting it aside for another day for me to wonder over.
'I need to make it go away… I'll try and cheer her up tomorrow. Go to our favourite places and stuff… Yeah, that should make her happy again… Then we'll go back to how things were before, play the game we always played…'
I closed my eyes drifting off to an uneventful sleep and hoping tomorrow I could make it a better day for the both of us.
She was knocking on my door – just like she did yesterday, when my world once again became broken.
She was here earlier than usual – five minutes before our designated time, it was definitely early for someone who only leaves the house at the time she is supposed to be arriving.
I opened my door to my angel, at the same time my torturer, and greeted her with the fake mask I have to adorn once more.
"Natsuki, you're early. Or did you think we were meeting at twelve and thought you were an hour late?"
"What? No." She glanced at my clock at the far wall. "I'm not even that early."
I smiled at her and invited her in.
"Would you like some tea?"
"Hm? Oh, actually I was thinking we go out and have some, maybe do a little shopping together. It's been a while, hasn't it?"
"Do you have a place in mind?"
"Yeah, remember the little tea place in Fuuka Mall you always liked? But I was thinking maybe we could stop by where you worked before hand and um… have a look around, then head over and have some tea. Sound good?"
"Yes, of course. It's been awhile since I've been there. I wonder how the owner is doing."
'That's odd; I wonder why Natsuki would suggest going there? She always avoids going to that place with me especially after that time I … "helped" her measure her bust size…' Unconsciously I let a smile creped up my face at the thought of the fond memories as we left my apartment.
When we arrived at the store, I looked up at the large sign above the entrance, in white script font the words: 'Delicate Flowers' was written over a lavender coloured background and it had simple drawings of white lilies at the top left corner and bottom right.
I smiled brightly at the lingerie store and turned my head to look at Shizuru. She too, was smiling fondly at the store and I felt a small sense of accomplishment fill my chest.
'So far, so good' I thought to myself.
We entered the building and to the left and right were racks of underwear, ranging from boy shorts to lace, all in a variety of colours and sizes.
I motioned towards the side but I realised Shizuru was heading straight toward the counter, where an aging-not-so-gracefully middle age lady with way-to-much-make-up-on stood.
'Knowing her and her manners, she's probably going to greet her old manager.' I chose to follow close behind.
"Shizuru? Is that you?" The lady asked, as her lip-stick smothered lips spread into a smile.
"Ara, I haven't been here for a few months and I've already been forgotten?" Shizuru teased.
'Heh. It's good to know I'm not the only one she teases, though I'm probably the one that gets the worst of it.' I commented to myself.
"Well, if you came more often it wouldn't be a problem would it?" The two shared a laugh while I stood in the background –behind Shizuru, I looked around and tried to appear uninterested.
They continued to talk for some time, to me it seemed like meaningless chatter, and after looking through the little knick-knacks at the counter I couldn't help but show that I was bored.
"You know the day you left, sales dropped tremendously! And I've had so many customers ask where you were and why you left! Really Shizuru if you ever want to work with us again just say the word."
"Oh my, that's unfortunate but I think I'm going to focus on my studies for now, but I'll keep that in mind."
"Now, now Shizuru we both know you can handle both at the same time. If you just want more flexible hours, I am more than happy to compromise."
'God! This lady can talk. Shizuru doesn't want to work here so just drop it already!' I rolled my eyes at the two, I know the owner could see me and how bored I was with their conversation but she chose to ignore me and continue with their talk. It's mean to say but her appearance alone was trying my patience and the fact that she ignored me and chose to continue to keep Shizuru from shopping with this pointless conversation was getting to me.
"Hey Shizuru, I'm going to have a look around, okay?" I whispered to her from behind her shoulder. She gave me a slight nod and I left.
I went off to the side browsing through the items, trying to not look too interested or too bored, hoping that Shizuru took my departure as an excuse to leave the conversation.
Flicking through the items I glanced over, back to the two, to realise they were still in deep conversation, openly jesting and laughing their fake laughs, and the stupid lady flinging her hands around making hand gestures as Shizuru stood elegantly in front of her, her hands clasps together motionless in comparison.
'What's taking so long? Why haven't Shizuru walked away yet? Geez, that lady is getting on my nerves… But then again if Shizuru really wants to leave she would have… I mean I've seen how she handles her horde of rabid dogs- I mean fan girls… she probably wants to catch up… guess I'll start shopping with out her…'
Forcing myself to be content with the current situation I distracted myself with the articles of clothing in front of me - it didn't take long for me to pick out a few items of interest.
I looked back to the two, a gnawing feeling of annoyance creped back up the back of my neck:
'They're still talking?' I grumbled to myself and decided to approach the two with the various bras I had chosen in hand.
"Hey, Shizuru." I interrupted, no longer caring about manners and etiquettes.
They turned their attention to me, at long last stopping their conversation.
"I'm going to go try these out, okay? So I'll be in the changing room."
"Would you like some assistance?" The lady asked, finally acting like the saleswoman she was supposed to be. However, unfortunately, I failed to realise it was in fact the manager that offered assistance, instead flashes of my previous experience with Shizuru and the changing room crossed my mind's eye.
"No!" I exclaimed in a reflexive panic, taking a hasty step back, while my eyes were locked onto Shizuru's - whose eyes displayed a glimpse of pain and shock at the one word I said.
It was only a glimpse.
"There's no need, Michiko-san, Natsuki is very proficient with lingerie." She said, her eyes showed no trace of the brief amount of emotions I saw mere moments ago, and she smiled.
It was a smile that reminded me of the one I saw yesterday at her apartment, yet today's smile did not make me feel agitated and annoyed like it did the previous day instead this one made me feel disheartened, as though I did something incredibly wrong.
At that moment I felt an overwhelming need to apologise – for what? I don't know.
I opened my mouth, in hope of conveying words to the brunette but the two had started up their discussions once more, I closed my mouth once again. Turning and walking away to the changing room, a sense of unease and dread filled my chest as though each step I took, I will regret it.
"Here are your teas, miss, and the chicken sandwiches, one with extra Mayonnaise, you ordered."
"Thank you."
The waiter placed the food and brewages down, and walked away to go serve other customers.
Natsuki and Shizuru sat in a corner of a little café beside the window.
After Natsuki had tried on the items she took to the changing room, she returned to purchase a few that passed her inspections, after her transactions Shizuru and the store owner finally bid each other farewell. Natsuki had offered to look around a bit more so that Shizuru would have a chance to shop, but the brunette declined the offer and expressed that she was not looking for anything in particular so the two proceeded to the promised teashop to grab a light lunch.
Chewing their own sandwiches inside the serene café they quietly enjoyed the view of watching people pass by in their quaint window seat and the comfortable atmosphere between them.
"Neh, Shizuru…? … What happened between us?" Their comfortable silence was broken, a few moments after Natsuki had finished her sandwich.
"What do you mean, Natsuki?" Shizuru gently queried, placing her half-eaten sandwich onto her plate.
"Us! What happened, that caused us to not see each other for like five months?"
"Nothing in particular happened, Natsuki. We just both had school work and other engagements to attend to; it's quite natural and common for friends to lose contact for a while."
The biker stared at the brunette, scepticism evident in those emerald eyes.
"Fine, pretend nothing happened." Natsuki said with a small huff, she then leaned back into her chair and folded her arms, returning her sight outside the window once again.
Shizuru smiled at the delinquent's antics. "But really, five months? Hmm… Do you recall what we did the last time we spent time together?"
The blunette turn her attention back to for companion in front of her, unfolding her arms so she could fiddle with her tea cup. "Um I'm not sure, Mai was the one who told me it was five months ago… something about having Aoi babysitting Mikoto…"
"Ah, yes the time we went out for dinner and Mai-san had work that night, I remember."
The conversation drifted back to silence, only the dull buzz of people around them in the shop is heard.
"By the way, Natsuki, what suddenly compelled you to find me so spontaneously yesterday?" The ex-kaichou quietly asked with her attention focus on her tea at hand.
"Oh, your name came up in a conversation and yeah…" Natsuki replied, letting the end of it drift off.
"Ah, I see." With that Shizuru gave no more input into the conversation and moved her focus from her tea to the outside world on the other side of the window pane.
Sensing an odd vibe between them, Natsuki opt to change the topic.
"Hey. After this, let's go back to my place and watch some movies."
I read the name plate outside the dorm room as Natsuki fumbled with her keys to unlock the door.
'Kuga-Minagi-Tokiha Resident' is what it displays.
Those words drifted through my head, but I paid little attention to it, my mind was else where.
The scene where Natsuki screeched 'No!' in the lingerie shop and the brief conversation in the teashop kept turning up in my mind.
When we set out earlier today I was determined to keep this "renewed" friendship mellow, so when we arrived at the lingerie shop today, I keep myself occupied with speaking to an old employer. A part of me did this to allow Natsuki a sense of normality and security, to keep myself from frightening her, from making her uncomfortable. And another part… another part wanted to test her, to see if deliberately neglecting her presence would pushed her buttons, and to she if she actually enjoy the attention I gave her - only to her.
Of course she showed her annoyance, but with the way that I was, and the way that I still am, I couldn't tell whether it was because she was never a patient person or that my delusional mind was trying to convince me of the impossible.
I was confused.
I didn't like it, so I continued to neglect her – I ignored her obvious signs of boredom and annoyance, I continued to push those buttons, and I enjoyed it. I liked knowing that she felt annoyed; I liked knowing that she was the one that felt that sense of longing; for her to feel the pain and neglect inside, I- …
…
…
I hate how she can affect my behaviour. I hate it.
And what's more, I truly didn't expect that reaction; in fact I didn't expect a reaction at all.
When Michiko-san, offered to assist her in the changing room, I had said nothing – nothing. But Natsuki presumed that it was I that offered, this only comes to show that our previous encounter, when I had lost my control over my desires, has left a scar on her, and from her reaction – the one that so greatly resemble her other declaration of rejection, showed that a part of her is still afraid, still untrusting of me. But then again, it's not without good reason.
After that, there was that conversation. I knew that the questions I asked would only confirm what I already knew, but I couldn't help but hope for the impossible. When she brought up the fact that we had not seen one another for five months, a flicker of hope arose, inside I soared at the thought that Natsuki had in fact realised my absence the day I had left, that she had missed me so much she was able to count the days we had not seen each other, that there was a chance that she felt for me the way I felt for her.
That was why I asked, asked if she remembered what we did last we met. In truth, I remember quite clearly what it we did and what my last sight of Natsuki was but I had hoped she would be able to answer me and show me that she noticed, that she remembered, that my hopes were not baseless aspirations. Yet, like always, I was disappointed, the outcome was as I had predicted, as I had originally planned – she didn't notice. In fact she had to ask to realise it, it took much of my self-control from letting out a bitter laugh, then and there.
Yet, being the fool in love that I am, even after having my hopes crushed I couldn't help but still have that inkling of optimism that I was a part of Natsuki heart, that somewhere in there I was missed and due to being missed, that Natsuki came to find me. I had hoped that Natsuki herself realised I was gone, have her realise that she could not be happy without me, because she loved me… But like I said I am a fool.
Staring at the back of that beautiful blue hair, I began to wonder.
'What am I doing here? Nothing has changed between us, so why? Why do I stay to endure this torture? In this never-ending battle between my irrational hopes and reality. Why did Natsuki bring us back to this point?'
"Shizuru, do you have anything you want to watch?" she asked me, while rummaging through her DVD collection by the T.V, her back facing me.
I didn't reply. I felt so tired, like I've been awake for years on end. So tired, I could no longer be bothered with pretences and this game we play around the topic neither one of us wish to speak of.
I just want it to end.
"Shizuru?" She turned to look at me, me who no longer wore that stupid mask, me who is just so tired of it all, me who only wishes to admit defeat.
"Natsuki, What am I to you?"
A/N: By the way, sorry for the delayed update, this chapter wasn't very appealing to me, so I didn't have much motivation in writing it, but personally i liked my Shizuru's angst bit at the end and hopefully you all still enjoyed it. ^-^
Also when I referred to the lingerie measurement thing, it was an incident that was hinted in one of the Drama CD tracks, if any1 want tht script just say so or try n find it on youtube (thts where I found it)
FYI next chapter is very dialogue based so hopefully it wnt take long for it to come out. Oh and you guys are probably going to hate me by the end of it. CYA!
