A/N: So I wasn't going to do this, but then I tripped over a tiny, malnourished plot bunny, fell and hit my head on my keyboard. The bunny died, but this happened. Hope it's not entirely terrible.

Chapter 2: Evil isn't born, it's trained


Regina thumped her fist on the bed in frustration. This was the third time this week that Emma had disappeared right when Regina had been on the brink of orgasm. She'd been doing that incredible thing with her tongue and Regina had felt the pleasure building, and building and then nothing. The last two times Emma had reappeared a minute later and put her out of her misery, but this time she seemed to be taking a lot longer.

Regina was not known for her patience and after a couple of minutes had passed, she reached down, determined to finish the job herself. Except, when she tried to touch herself, she couldn't. Her hand stopped, and no matter what she tried, she couldn't actually make contact. She reached for the vibrator in her nightstand, with exactly the same effect. Emma Swan had dark-magicked her vagina.

"EMMA SWAN! I swear if your evil ass doesn't reappear right now..." She left that threat unfinished; she'd learned that the imagination was far more terrifying than anything she could dream up. A moment later, Emma reappeared on the end of the bed, grinning and holding a piece of paper, apparently unconcerned at the prospect of Regina's rage.

She looked at Regina's hand (and the vibrator), frozen in space, and shook her head. "I wasn't finished."

"Neither was I, and that's the problem," Regina growled.

Emma smirked. "I'd say I'm sorry, but I can't. I'm in training, and evil never apologises, you know."

"Trust me, Emma, if you try that again, you will be sorry."

Emma beamed proudly. "That manoeuver got me 400 points; enough to hit the next level."

She waved the piece of paper in front of Regina's eyes. It had a pixelated cartoon image of a trophy and a dagger on it that looked like they'd been sourced from Microsoft Clip Art circa 1993. There were also a couple of lines of text that read, "New Evil Achievement Unlocked: Orgasm Denier."

Regina incinerated the certificate with a tiny, tiny fireball, thinking to herself that she'd shown admirable restraint by incinerating only the certificate. The English language didn't have a word that could adequately capture the degree of frustration that she was feeling right now.

Emma pouted. "Why would you do that?"

Regina ignored the question. She had other, far more important, things on her mind. "Emma, I swear, if you don't finish what you started, I will find a way to kill you, immortal evil or no."

Lying in bed afterwards, Emma was playing with her phone, much to Regina's irritation. She wasn't exactly the cuddliest of creatures, but she rather liked a little bit of post-sex snuggling. But for the past few minutes, Emma had been steadfastly ignoring her attempts to initiate some light spooning.

"I understand that you're evil, Emma, but that's just rude." She waved a hand, and the phone flew out of Emma's hand and into her own.

"Hey! I was in the middle of something." Emma made a move to snatch her phone back, and Regina held it out of her reach.

She looked at the screen and raised her eyebrows. "Oh my god. You actually found an app?"

"No." Emma sounded disappointed. "I looked for ages, but apparently it's a pretty niche market." She shrugged. "So, I got Henry to make it for me."

"You got our son to build you an app that includes categories like Orgasm Denier? What were you thinking?" Emma didn't exactly have the greatest track record when it came to good judgment, but this? Regina was genuinely surprised.

Emma looked at her as if she was particularly slow, and Regina bristled a little. "Of course I didn't. He just built the framework. I developed the categories."

"And how did you decide on these categories of Evil Achievement?" Regina was curious, because Emma hadn't come to her looking for ideas, and as far as she was aware, she was Emma's only Evil Mentor.

"I held a focus group." Emma looked smug. "I got points for that because market research is inherently evil. And I served Fluff and dill pickle sandwiches on rye bread for refreshments, which was pretty much the most disgusting combination I could think of. I got bonus points because two people had to leave the room to throw up. And then I kept them all just long enough that their parking meters ran out. Parking tickets all round." She grinned proudly. "I am absolutely slaying at this evil business."


Regina, Emma and Henry were in the middle of a lunch date at Granny's. The evil makeover had definitely done its trick, because only a quarter of the occupants of the diner gave Regina side-eye, while the remaining three-quarters looked at Emma suspiciously. Time was when everyone would have looked askance at her, and half of them would have run home, locked themselves in and boarded up their windows. Ah, the good old days.

At the next table, a couple of the dwarves were discussing Game of Thrones. Storybrooke's Internet service had just been improved enough to make streaming video a reality and half the town seemed to either be holed up watching television or talking about it incessantly.

Regina noticed the evil glint in Emma's eyes and watched her as she sidled up to the table, next to Grumpy.

"Ned Stark dies, you know. End of the first season. Joffrey puts his head on a pike and everything. And then in season two…"

"Noooooo. I will not be tricked by your evil, lying tongue. Get away, Dark One."

Grumpy clapped his hands over his ears and started screaming shrilly to block out the sound of the Dark One. He ran out of the diner and Emma made her way back to the booth, grinning. She high-fived Henry as she slid back into her seat.

She pulled out her phone and typed something in, before pumping her fist in excitement. "Yes! Spoiler Master, 100 points!"

Regina rolled her eyes. "What other terrible deeds have you committed recently?"

"I pressed all the buttons in an elevator and got out at the first floor." Emma held up her hand, and Henry high-fived her again.

"Nice work, Dark Mom!"

Emma thought for a moment. "I switched around the contents of all the hair dye boxes at the pharmacy."

"That was you? It took me hours and a lot of magic to fix my hair. I had orange stripes."

Honestly, Regina was beginning to find the whole Dark One business rather wearing, but Emma seemed happier than she'd been in a long while. Finally released from the burden of expectation, she was apparently revelling in her newfound freedom. And after everything, Regina really couldn't begrudge her that.

"You dye your hair?" Emma seemed genuinely surprised, and Regina preened for a moment until she remembered why she had to dye her hair.

"Well, I didn't have to until you showed up in Storybrooke." Four grey hairs. One for each year of stress that Emma had caused her.

Emma pulled out her phone again. "Awesome! Stealer of Youth, 200 points."

A little while later, Emma wandered off to another table, having spotted another opportunity for evil.

"So, you seem to really like Emma as the Dark One. You've been bonding with her over training and apps." Regina couldn't help but feel a little bit jealous. When she'd been evil, Henry hadn't even wanted to know her.

Henry shrugged. "I'm just trying to be supportive, Mom. I really regret how I treated you when you were still evil and I don't want to make the same mistake again."

Regina felt a smile blooming. "I'm so proud of you, Henry."

His voice dropped to just above a whisper. "But seriously, Mom. It's the worst. I haven't eaten a vegetable in five days, unless you count French fries." He struck a pose in his seat, vaguely reminiscent of the ones Emma had been practising. "Because, evil doesn't eat its vegetables. We had burgers without salad for dinner last night. The night before that we ate bacon sandwiches with no bread and extra bacon. It was kind of cool at first, but now I'm worried I'm going to get bowel cancer. And she keeps packing me Fluff 'n' pickle sandwiches for lunch."

Henry had such a look of distress on his face that Regina could feel her heart breaking. "Oh, my poor dear boy."

He continued. "And I'm so tired, Mom. She keeps making me stay up to play video games with her, because evil doesn't have a bedtime. I fell asleep in class yesterday. And she set my homework on fire, and I got a detention because my teacher said I was lying when I said that the Dark One destroyed my homework."

He noticed Emma looking over at them, and he contorted his face into an expression that was more grimace than smile, while giving her two thumbs up. When it was apparent that Emma wasn't looking anymore, he turned back to Regina.

"Mom, I don't know how much longer I can take this."

Regina had been patient with Emma and the whole learning to be evil business, but if it was affecting her son, well, she couldn't just sit back and let that happen. Something needed to be done.

While they'd been talking, Granny had emerged from behind the counter, crossbow in hand. Customers in the diner parted like the Red Sea as she stormed across the floor to where Emma was posing evilly. Regina frowned. This would not end well.

Granny pointed the crossbow at Emma's chest. "Dark One, you can stop harassing my customers. And while you're at it, you can settle your tab. Four hundred and seventy-two dollars and twenty-three cents. I expect it paid in full by tomorrow."

Emma disappeared for a moment, before reappearing on top of the bar, striking a pose. "Evil doesn't pay its bills."

"That's it, Dark One. You're banned." Granny discharged her crossbow. The bolt clattered into the menu, passing through the space Emma had occupied a moment ago.

Regina and Henry looked at each other and spoke at the same time. "We have to fix her."