A DIFFERENT CHOICE
By Daydreamer P.
Chapter 2
Lou and Jimmy didn't see much of Kid in the days that followed. He took all the extra runs he could, did all of Teaspoon's errands and even when he was at the station he spent more time doing chores than in the bunkhouse. He closed himself in, not the kind of angry and bitter silence he was in when Lou left him and before their reconciliation, when the mere sight of Jimmy and Lou talking together made his rage and jealousy mount. It was like when his brother and Doritha died; he isolated himself to block the pain he was feeling.
Lou observed him from afar. Kid was talking lightly and smiling with the others but she knew him too well to not notice how his smile didn't reach his eyes, how he was only hiding his pain. He hadn't bitter words for her or Jimmy nor recrimination, but he didn't talk either; he was as gentle as ever but apart from some idle chats about rides or chores, Kid never had a real talk with Lou or Jimmy. He hadn't looked them in the eyes since the day he found them in the barn.
Lou sighed and looked away. Kid had erected a wall around himself so he wouldn't get hurt any more, and she couldn't blame him, seeing how his trust had brought him nothing but pain. But the idea of not having even his friendship brought new tears in her eyes.
"We really have lost him, haven't we?" she asked to Jimmy, who was leaning in the shadow of the barn near her.
"I guess so," he sadly agreed with her.
Lou turned to hide her face in Jimmy's chest, hugging him tightly.
"It's so unfair," she murmured.
"I know."
They remained like that for a while, enjoying each other nearness. Jimmy draped his arms around her waist and let his chin rest on the top of her head. He sighed heavily, Lou was right, it wasn't fair. But even the knowledge of having hurt someone who he had always considered a brother couldn't make him renounce the girl who now was in his arms.
Jimmy could never forget the day Lou went to search for him. They had just returned from the Elijah's trip and the Lou had passed the day assisting Kid, whose wound had became infected. His friend had begun to run a fever during their trip back and once at home, he had practically collapsed before he could even dismount from the saddle. Lou had never left Kid's side until she was sure he was going to be okay and left Jimmy alone to deal with the painful, bitter knot of feelings that that trip had left to him.
He saw a good man hanged, a man whose life and destiny seemed terribly similar to his own. For the first time he had the nerve to act upon his feelings and kissed Lou and for some moments he really thought that she was going to choose him over his best friend. But he deluded himself. Kid had been Lou's first thought when she needed comfort. She turned to Kid when Elijah was hanged, not to him. Her gesture crushed his heart; in that very moment Jimmy understood that he was desperately in love with Louise McCloud but he could never have her.
But he was wrong.
The evening after their return, Jimmy was in the barn brushing Sundance, anything to avoid the bunkhouse and the sight of Lou tending Kid. Suddenly he heard Lou's voice.
"Jimmy? I was looking for you," Lou said entering in the stall.
"You were?" Jimmy asked tonelessly. He didn't turn, he was hurting for what was happening, but he didn't intend to let her know that.
"Yes Jimmy, I was." Her tone became harder. "Why are you avoiding me, Jimmy?"
"I'm not avoiding you Lou, you were pretty busy with Kid." He covered his pain with sarcasm and that stony face he'd learned to wear.
Sparkles of fire burned in the girl's eyes.
"Kid is sick, Jimmy, and I was helping him. So I ask you again, why are you avoiding me?"
He couldn't look in her eyes, not without being overwhelmed once again by the need to kiss her.
"I-I have to go." It was the only thing he could think to say, before retreating from her.
"Wait Jimmy." Her voice had lost her determination and held a pleading, painful tone that made him stop in his tracks. "Please, Jimmy. We need to talk."
"And what do we need to talk about?" the man was defeated; he could never deny anything to her when she spoke in that way.
"About what happened between us, Jimmy."
"Nothing happened between us. I was upset and you were trying to console me, it was only a mistake."
"Only a mistake?" the trembling whisper that left her lips was not what Jimmy expected.
He expected relief from Lou. He was ready to reassure her they would be friends like before, that their kiss hadn't messed with anything. He was ready to see her get back with Kid and to push deep inside of him his feelings in order to see her happy. But what he saw surprised him.
Lou's large eyes were brimming with unshed tears. When he looked at her, she diverted her gaze and turned away from him.
"O-ok, I wanted only to be sure," she hurried to say. This time it was Lou the one who turned, hastily retreating from him.
Jimmy stared at her dumbfounded. What did those tears mean? Does Lou… he didn't dare to formulate that thought. It can't be. Kid was the one for her; everyone knew that, but that expression…could he dared to hope there was something more for him? And was he ready to commit himself seriously to a woman? Because one thing was sure, he couldn't take this step with Lou light-heartedly; because she deserved all he could offer to her.
Jimmy smiled slightly remembering how he had run out of the barn, only to find her wiping away her tears with the palms of her hands, leaning against the wooden wall. The sight of her like that had made his stomach twist uneasily, his words had hurt her. It had happened before; especially at the beginning of the Express when he had put his foot in his mouth more than once, making her cry with his callousness; but this time it was different. The only times he saw Lou like that had been after an argument with Kid.
"Lou…" he had called her softly. "I'm sorry"
"Don't," he heard her sniff. "I took it all wrong. I've made a fool of myself," she added when her voice returned normal.
Jimmy stepped closer. He felt himself at a crucial turning point. The words he was going to say in that moment could change his life forever. He could apologize to her and let her turn again to Kid or he could let her know what he really felt. He watched her face, the eyes red from the tears, the long lashes lowered to avoid his glance.
"Lou…." He called softly again. He lifted her chin with his finger.
"Lou…" his voice trembled.
"You haven't made a fool of yourself," Jimmy whispered before he bent down to kiss her. It was a slow kiss, one that let him savour her sweetness, one that showed how much he cared about her.
She sighed softly against his lips and melted herself against his body.
°°°°°°
Teaspoon found Kid in the office that morning, as he did almost every morning in the last few weeks. He had understood that something must have happened between him and the young lady who took his heart. For this reason, every time Kid asked for a run or anything else, he had given it to him without any question. Teaspoon thought he needed some time away to reflect and clear his mind and he was willing to give it to the young man in order to help him. But this time was different. Weeks had passed and Kid's mood still hadn't changed.
He had seen him like this other times, when he had to deal with Jed's deception and loss, after his break-up with Lou and the last time, after Doritha's death, just a month ago. In all those times Kid had closed in himself, falling in a silent and sad mood and not letting anyone come close to him, but he had always returned to the old Kid they all knew with the help of the Express family and, above all, Lou.
This time was completely different, though. Kid was hiding his pain, something was eating himself inside but he wouldn't let anyone see it. At the station, he was the same Kid as ever. He was a little more taciturn, and he found every excuse to take a run or keep himself occupied, but he didn't act different with the boys so no one understood how bad Kid was feeling.
"Kid! You can't be here again!" The exasperated marshal exclaimed to him. "I have no run, no errands, nothing for you!"
He regretted immediately the harsh tone he used seeing the troubled face of his boy.
"Son," He continued more softly. "You can't continue like this…I know there's something troubling you…something concerning that young lady over there at the station, but I'm sure you two will find the way fix whatever has happened."
Teaspoon smiled reassuringly and patted the young man shoulder, but his smile died as soon as he saw the painful look that crossed Kid's features.
"There's nothing to fix anymore, Teaspoon."
"What are you sayin' Kid. I'm sure Lou…"
"Lou isn't interested in me anymore."
"Now Kid, don't jump into conclusion…maybe she is mad at you…but…"
"She has found someone else."
Teaspoon fell silent. Kid slumped on a chair and hid his head in his hands.
"I can't stay here anymore. Can you find a place for me in another station?"
Kid couldn't help the pleading tone and hated himself once more for his weakness; but he really couldn't stand the entire situation anymore. He missed Lou and Jimmy fiercely, but at the same time he couldn't stand being near them.
He had trusted them; he allowed himself to open his heart to them, as he hadn't done in a long time. After what his father did to his own family, after his brother and Doritha's abandonment, he never thought he would have been able to trust anyone like that. He had been deluded first by his father who, with his brutality, destroyed his childish world, then by Jed's promises, that his brother never had kept, and finally by Doritha's refusal to come with him after all that they had shared.
He had always tried to find excuses for the ones he loved, but when he headed West, Kid had promised to himself to never give his confidence so easily anymore. For this reason he had kept his distance when he started with the Express, sleeping in the barn and keeping aloof. But he had soon perceived how similar to him were those boys he never met before. All of them had a past made of pain and hardships, all of them wanted to make their life worth something, all of them needed a family.
Kid had felt he had found a new family joining the Pony Express, but he had also found something else, someone else. When he had discovered the real Lou, he had been shocked. He never thought there could be a woman like Louise McCloud: so strong and independent and so fragile at the same time; so beautiful, complicated, stubborn and feisty and yet so sweet and caring behind her tough appearance.
He had been scared of his feelings at first; he couldn't lose his heart to someone else again. Lou had accused him to take things too slow at the beginning, but how can he explain to her that he couldn't stand another disappointment? Despite all of that, his heart had won over his rationality and he had found himself in love. Sure, they had their problems, but he really believed in their love, really believed they could become a family one day, that she wanted to spend her life with him. Now, Kid realized he had been too naïve to have such an expectation. And in not understanding this, he had made both of them suffer.
But it wasn't the only thing that hurt him. He had exposed himself totally to the two people he trusted the most, Louise and Jimmy. The woman he loved and the man he considered his best friend; once more he had been disappointed.
Jimmy. Sure, he and the gunslinger had a lot of differences, they fought about almost everything and there had been a period when he hated his interference in his relationship with Lou. He had been hurt by his friend belief that his Southern heritage prevented him from understanding what Lou really needed. Sometimes Jimmy had made him feel as if having grown up with a different way of life made him incapable to see how amazing Louise was and to respect her for what she was.
Kid never told Jimmy how much his attitude towards him hurt because he never doubted their friendship. Jimmy would never voluntarily hurt him…Jimmy was a brother…Jimmy was the one he could talk about almost everything…even if he didn't think in the same way of his, or maybe just for that…instead…
"Why didn't they tell me…?" Kid sobbed, defeated.
Teaspoon saw the tears slip past his shut eyes.
"Son…" he began, but he really didn't know what to say to console him.
"I talked to them…I-I told them what was in my heart…to both of them…why didn't they tell me anything…"
Teaspoon could easily image who were the ones Kid was talking about. So Jimmy finally had won Lou's heart, he thought. He knew his boys too well to not being aware of their feelings, even if they were pretty good at hiding them.
For a long while he had sensed that Jimmy's feelings for Louise ran deeper than the love for a friend, and the old marshal had been sorry for the young man, divided between the loyalty to Kid and his growing feelings for his friend's girl. It sure was a tight spot to be in.
Jimmy had been Lou's confidant and protector and maybe in some situations he had interfered in the couple's problems more than he should have, but he did that only because he really cared about Lou.
Teaspoon never imagined that Jimmy would really be able to win Louise's heart, though; not because he was unworthy of the girl's love, because Jimmy was one of the most caring people he had ever met under his hot-headed and hard appearance, but because he thought that the love between Kid and Louise was one of those life-lasting kind.
All of them had witnessed the ups and downs of Kid and Lou's relationship that had finally ended with a break-up that made both of them suffer. After their arrival in Rock Creek though, Teaspoon had seen Kid and Lou get close again, and the tension between the young Southerner and Jimmy faded away. They had been happy then, and he thought that the intricate relationships existing among those three had found a balance between friendship, caring and love. He expected that sooner or later Kid and Lou would marry, with Jimmy's blessing.
Kid must have thought the same thing, and it must have devastated him to realize that things weren't as he believed. From the boy's broken words Teaspoon understood that the relationship between Lou and Jimmy had gone on for a while and that Kid had discovered it only by chance. It must have been a really hard blow for him.
"Not so thick as the others." Teaspoon had said the first time he had saw the Kid, and in some way it was still the same. He had remained the naïve, righteous Southern boy he met at the beginning of the Express, honest and willing to believe in the other's goodness and honesty even with the many times people had taken advantage of him. The bad experiences had helped him to become a bit less ingenuous, but it didn't scratch the trust he put in the Express family, on the contrary it had strengthen it.
Teaspoon certainly couldn't blame Louise for having followed her heart, but seeing the Kid like that had upset him deeply. Kid had lost not only the woman he loved and his best friend, but he had also the awareness they hadn't been honest with him; and for a man like Kid it meant the destruction of his own certainties. Maybe it was a too close-minded way to live, but that was part of what made Kid who he was.
'We are going to lose him' Teaspoon thought sadly, while he observed the young man walk away from his office, and no one could do anything about it to make him change his mind.
