A.N. Review me and I will try to include any ideas in to the plot… let me know!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, if I did I wouldn't be here, and HP would contain more slash lol!

Warnings: This is a HP/SS paring, that's male on male, there will no longer be slash… well its implied but there will be no lemons. Still there is mentions of male on male rape, and unpleasantness so don't flame me later when I've warned you, just don't read it!

So Much For Island Living HP/SS

Chapter 2

When someone abuses you, you are an object for their pleasure. They treat you like you're worthless and you feel worthless. Utterly worthless. You never stop loving them, you stop loving yourself. That is the terrible aftermath of abuse.

I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused everyone, really when I think back on it all now if I had never been born people would be better off. I am just Harry; I can't heal the world of all its scars, people are looking at me like I can.

I guess I should start at the beginning…

Well once upon a time… which is actually 17 years ago, but I thought writing that would seem better, which is kind of cancelled out now because I'm writing all this but, ah well no one is going to read it but me. I wonder if I should start; dear journal? Diary sound gay… not that it matters because I am gay but… maybe I should just call these my memoirs?

Anyway… where was I… oh right, the beginning… Well I think I'll start with I was born, and everything was great (not that I really remember) my first memory consists of a green flashing light and a laugh… and a woman with red hair. Well it turns out that that's my mum, and the green light is her being murdered… oh and the laugh, that's the guy who murdered her laughing. So as far as good memories go I don't count this one. But that's not important for now, because I didn't know all that until I was 13, well obviously I had the memory, it just wasn't as vivid and I had no idea what it meant.

So, with my parents dead I was sent to live with my mothers sister, Petunia, and her husband Vernon (my aunt and uncle, I just prefer not to call them it) and their son Dudley. It suffices to say they didn't really like me, and didn't really want me. So the first year of my life I was loved (apparently, like I say I don't remember) and the next 10 I was… lets just say unloved. However, I have to say more so you can really understand me. I didn't really know what 'love' was until I was about 12.

My aunt and uncle weren't the kindest of people, and I had done chores (cooking, cleaning, gardening, tidying etc) as long as I could remember, and before most children had really considered who picked their things up from the messy pile on the floor and how the mud they got on their favourite t-shirt was clean and in their drawn the next time they wanted it I knew how to wash, dry, iron and properly fold and hang clothes and put them away for the next time they were needed.

I had learned that if I didn't do these chores I didn't get to eat, and if that didn't work I received other punishments, like shaving all my hair off or shoving me in my cupboard for days at a time, and if things were worse then I would be physically abused until I could no longer stand, but then as often as I could I just did the chores, I learned my lessons, but sometimes it was hard, sometimes I couldn't obey a rule because I didn't know their was a rule until I'd broken it and been beaten for it. Other times things that I couldn't control happened, and no matter how much I pleaded I didn't do it, like the time when my hair grew back over night by its self, I still received the beating anyway.

I used to think that these extra things I had to do meant that I was more loved, I was never hugged like my cousin was, but then he never did any chores, so when I was really small I used to think I was special, one day I asked if I was, that was the day I found out about the 'no questions rule' and I couldn't sit down for a week without wincing.

11 years of my life past by in much the same fashion, I was constantly jumping through hoops that were moved at the last second so I never quite made it, the goal post were always moved so I could never win anything. So I believed life wasn't about winning, I believed I was a bad child, and uncle Vernon and aunt Petunia would have loved me like they loved Dudley if I weren't bad, so they loved me in different ways, to make me better, because I was a dirty freak, so uncle Vernon used to show me how he loved me in different ways to Dudley. The first time that happened I was 7. Again I couldn't sit down for a week, but I was horrified by what had happened to me, because I didn't know about rape then. I knew it hurt, and I knew I didn't want it to happen again, but at the same time my uncle had said the words I'd wanted to hear as long as I remembered 'I love you' he had explained about me being different, and how I needed this to make me normal, and I believed him, this happened every few months when aunt petunia would go out with Dudley to buy him some new trainers, or the latest video game.

Things changed when I was 11, firstly I found out I was a wizard, which was strange and yet exciting, but uncle Vernon and aunt Petunia didn't seem to think so, I was called a freak more, and uncle Vernon didn't touch me in the same ways anymore. So I thought he didn't love me anymore.

I went to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and I was famous, everybody wanted to know me, everyone was whispering all around me and trying to be my friend, I was confused and I felt really alone. This boy and his family helped me through the barrier that separated the Hogwarts express from the Muggle world and I sat with him on the train, he seemed nice, and quite shy like me, I found my first friend in Ronald Weasley, I later found out he wasn't shy at all really, just about meeting a really famous guy (me.)

My first year at Hogwarts I found out a lot of things I didn't know about, I made more friends, all of whom hugged me and by the end of my first year (after defeating the guy who murdered my parents who is called Voldemort by the way) Dumbledore, the headmaster of the school, told me all about my ability to love, which was strange to me, because I didn't think I knew what love was, with all the hugs I'd received and all the friends telling me they would miss me, and all the 'with loves' in my get well cards (after defeating him I spent a while in the hospital wing) I was bewildered by this thing people raved about, to my knowledge at this point I'd only ever been loved by one person, and if that was what love was I didn't want to love anyone, if loving someone meant you had to hurt them, then why was 'my ability to love' something to be proud of and celebrate.

I didn't voice these feelings, after all Vernon had told me all about how our love was secret and special. So I went home confused about how I was supposed to be special and how I had a massive ability to love.

That first summer was just like the previous years, we fell straight back in to the cycle, after a beating from uncle Vernon to remind me nothing had changed. He reminded me how much he loved me a few times that summer too. Before I knew it I was back at Hogwarts, and I was glad, I didn't want uncle Vernon to love me anymore.

I had decided this year I was going to study hard, I read a lot in my free time, and leaned more things. I grew closer to Seamus, a boy I roomed with. It all started when he noticed some scars on my back, they were from uncle Vernon's whip, he asked me about them and I just said I fell over, but obviously he knew I was lying and so when the truth came out, the whole truth, about how much he loved me (which took quite a while and a lot of convincing from Seamus) he told me about rape, and child molestation and how it was wrong and a kind of abuse, he was horrified, and so was I, all these years I hadn't liked it, and it hurt but I thought it was normal, after all that's what I'd been told. Seamus told me I had to tell Dumbledore, and show him the scars, and then Vernon wouldn't be able to get to me.

So I did.

Dumbledore said lying I wrong and if Vernon had smacked me I must have deserved it, there was nothing I could do but leave his office. I went back to Seamus and cried; he held me until I fell asleep and he was still holding me the next morning. From then on he was my best friend. It took a while but I learned to trust him like no other, he told me he loved me (in the friend way) and after a while I learned that love was ok, and that in my own way I loved him too. At the end of the year, after defeating Voldemort again, I went back home. I was more afraid on the train that day than I can express in words.

Things were the same as ever in Number 4, and I fit back in to my role as House Elf as best I could, dreading the day Vernon would show me how much he loved me, but instead before he got chance his sister turned up, and I accidentally blew her up… needless to say I got thrown out and spent the rest of the summer living above a pub, Seamus came to visit and we had fun. It was one of the best times of my life, but before we knew it September was upon us and we had to go back to school.

Third year flew by, I found out I had a godfather, I saved his life, Voldemort didn't show up and everything went ok… until I had to go back home, Vernon was better behaved than usual after I told him about my godfather, the murderer! (Well it's what he went to prison for, even if he was innocent)

My fourth year at school sucked, my name got slipped in to the goblet of fire by a Death Eater (which we didn't know until the end) and I had to compete in the tournament, which sucked, I got to the end, won actually, well tied with Cedric, we got portkeyed to Voldemort (curtsey of the Death Eater) and he killed Cedric, and tried to kill me, but I escaped and then no one believed me but Dumbledore and Ron and Hermione, Seamus looked after me when I got back from the graveyard, well after I was kidnapped again by that Death Eater, he said he wasn't letting me out of his sight! Well fourth year ended and I went back home for summer, again things we bad, but then they always were, I never expected anything else, the only thing that kept me going was that somebody loved me, I had a friend I trusted, and after 2 weeks and Number 4 I was able to go visit him and then go to my Godfathers house.

Then on in to 5th year, which was hell because of the new Defence against the Dark arts teacher, who was a wench by the way. I ended up with a permanent scar on my hand saying 'I will not tell lies' which sucks. At the end of that year my godfather died, I was sent back to my aunt and uncle, and they were told, it was a harsh summer, Vernon made up for lost time, after all I'd blown up his sister, I'd run away the next summer and the summer after and last summer he might have been killed… now the way was clear, Dudley had every game going that year, and at least 3 new wardrobes full of clothes, I went back to sleeping under the stairs for a while too.

6th year was difficult, but at the same time kind of brilliant for me, not that I'm happy about everything that happened, see I had my first kiss (well the first one I wanted anyway) it was Seamus, we both decided we were gay that year, which was interesting, and I lost my virginity (I thought I'd already lost it, but Seamus insisted unless you give it away you still have it, things like that cant be stolen) I learned what sex really was and how it could be pleasurable. (That's not to say this was an easy process, it took a long time for us to progress that far, and Seamus was patient and kind with me all the time.) By the end of the year I felt almost normal, Dumbledore was dead and I wasn't going back to the Dursley's.

Me and Seamus went back to his house originally, we were best friends (we had never been boyfriends, we slept together so that he could show me how sex really should be, and because he was the only one I trusted to do that) We stayed at his house for a while and then I went to see Ron, we were intending to meet up again later in the summer, but we never got chance, Seamus was taken by the Dark pain in my ass Voldemort, so of course I mounted a rescue mission, which cost us a lot, but I got him back alive, now some would call that success, others wouldn't. I had a major run in with Snape, up to this point he was just an annoying teacher to me, now he was my mothers best friend, and if she was his best friend, then there was more to him than I knew, and I wanted to know what it was… so I set myself a mission, to find out more about him.

Over the course of my 7th year I developed a crush on him, he was doing my training, he was the new headmaster, and he was a little more likeable, not so lenient with the Slytherin's not so harsh on the Gryffindor's, not such an arse with me, a generally more likable guy. Also, when the mood took him he was kind enough to tell me about my mother, his ex-best friend, and why he was such an arse with me, because at first he thought I was like my father, and the world didn't need another James Potter, and the fact that I'd cost it Lilly Evans made it worse. Which made sense to me, anyway me and him got on really well… we first slept together on the 24th August the year I turned 17, he wouldn't do it till after then and I had to spend my birthday with the Order. I lived with him at his house, which was a lovely manor house with lovely elves, and I was happy, for the first time in my life I had everything. So what happens?

Voldemort!

The fucking arsehole buggering shit bag!

He attacked Hogwarts, and had Severus, he knew about our relationship and was going to hurt Severus to get to me, I walked calmly out to meet him and AK'ed his ass, so he was gone, defeated on the 27th September 2006, I defeated the darkest wizard of this time at 17… I felt pretty good, the death eaters fled and some were caught, I picked Sev up and took him inside, I was ready to start my happily ever after.

Me and Severus are going to bond when I am 18, he wants to have it all planned out properly, I can't wait, a real family. I made my peace with Malfoy too, as he is Severus godson, Sev is constantly whining about how I'm 'Mugglising' everyone, and ranting about Island living or something, I told him the great and wise Bon Jovi said 'no man is an island' but he disagrees before I came along apparently he was… but he doesn't have much to say when I ask him about Draco does he?

Anyway, the point of me writing this is to ensure I really am over everything in my past. (Or so says the therapist who I have to see ever since I defeated Voldemort, because the Ministry needs to look like they are caring for me… and ensuring I don't turn in to the next Dark Lord) So I'd say I pretty much am… yeah my past is shit… but everyone has shit they go through, and I made it through, so I suppose that's all that counts… This is an account of my life on the 20th Jan 2007. It's onwards and upwards from here people!

Harry Potter

A.N. Well… what do you think?

Quotes from Chapter 2:

When someone abuses you, you are an object for their pleasure. They treat you like you're worthless and you feel worthless. Utterly worthless. You never stop loving them, you stop loving yourself. That is the terrible aftermath of abuse. – unknown