So it's been ages since I put up the first chapter of Dude Has Issues, it was only meant to be a one shot but I got such an awesome response that I decided to continue but it was harder then I thought it was going to be.
So please don't bid me to hell for taking so long, this is an extremely hard fanfiction to write, it's a lot of fun but it takes a hell of a lot of inspiration.
But I finally found inspiration and I have him tied up in my closet, hopefully he won't escape me again.
By the way Edward sleeps in this story.
Random point of interest: I'm eating a grilled cheese sandwich. Yay, go cheese.
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight and my gummy bears are on strike so they don't own Twilight either.
"Bella?", he asked peering up at me with innocent eyes.
"Yes Edward?", I asked.
"Can I go home with you?".
I shrugged "Sure why not, I have these neighbours that are always…" Edward was staring at me curiously "Well never mind a vampire could just come in handy".
We set off walking in the direction of my home in silence, while I racked my brain trying to think of something to say to my lovely vampire companion.
I glanced sideways and saw Edward happily skipping along beside me.
We stopped in front of my white, two storey house and I idly wondered how my dad would react to my bringing home a guy.
Which would inevitably lead to where was Edward going to sleep?
"Is this where you live Bella?", Edward asked, his eyes wide.
"Yep, welcome to my humble abode", I said bowing him inside.
He grinned widely and I almost expected a glint to come off his teeth like those flash actors on tv.
"So, where do you live?", I asked as I lead him inside.
"In a tree", he said matter of factly while peering around my living room.
It was official; my dad was going to shoot him. At least he didn't smoke pot and say 'peace' all the time.
"So I'm going to go make food, you want anything?", I asked turning to the kitchen.
I felt cold breath on the back of my neck. I turned to see Edward with his mouth dangerously close to my neck, teeth bared.
"You know other then…..me".
He pouted and slinked back to the living room.
I began getting a sandwich ready for myself.
I shuffled into the living room and turned on the tv to entertain Edward.
"Here watch some tv while I make some food", I said turning away from Edward.
"TV?", he asked curiously.
"Em…. Yeah that's like where there's these moving pictures that tell a story", he nodded and turned to the tv where there was some soap opera on, I considered changing it to cartoons but he seemed pretty enthralled already.
I finished making my sandwich, peanut butter and jelly with extra pickle, when Edward called me into the living room.
"Bella! What are they doing?", he asked pointing to the tv, where two people were kissing.
I shifted nervously "Eh….. They're kissing", I replied, tugging at my collar.
"What's kissing", he asked still pointing at the two people currently sucking face.
"Well em… that's where two people who really like each other touch their lips together", I said lamely, I couldn't really think of anything better to say.
"Oh", was all he said and turned back to the tv.
I munched on my peanut butter and jelly sandwich with extra pickles and sat down to watch with Edward.
It was actually some pretty riveting stuff, that blonde, who was engaged to the hot doctor was actually his estranged sister's supposedly dead lesbian lover, was now pregnant with her step sister's husband's baby.
You couldn't make this shit up.
I wish something exciting would happen to me.
I lost interest once the hot doctor died after falling off a cliff and started playing with the leftover pickles from my sandwich.
I was making my own soap opera. I could call it 'Pickle Street' or 'EastPicklers' or 'Home And A Pickle'.
"Bella?", Edward asked pulling me out of my reverie.
"Hm?", I looked up to find Edward staring at me.
"What's that", he said pointing to the tv screen where the estranged lesbian sister and some dude were holding a little pink bundle.
"That's a baby", I said eyeing Edward "don't you know what a baby is?".
Edward shook his head.
"Well a baby is like a little person that eventually grows up to be a big person but they can't walk or talk so big people have to look after them", I explained, pretty proud of myself.
Edward crossed his legs and stared up at me innocently.
"Bella?", Edward asked.
"Hm?", I quickly gulped down a mouthful of pickle, realising with a jolt, that I had just eaten my main character.
"Where do babies come from?".
I pretty much choked on Brad (my pickle) and managed to splutter out "What?".
Edward repeated himself carefully "Where do babies come from", he asked innocently.
"Eh… well you see when two people love each other very much…..", I began but suddenly remembered that it would probably scar Edward for life if I told him the version my parents had told me.
He blinked and just continued to stare at me, waiting.
"Eh… babies come from…..eh…kissing", I floundered for something to tell him and finally landed on that.
"Yeah, that's it kissing", I sighed in relief at my quick thinking.
Edward stared at me blankly.
"You see, when two people really like each other they kiss and they get a baby but it only works if they really like each other", I said smiling proudly.
Understanding dawned on Edward's face and before I could register his action he crawled across the floor to me and leaned over me.
"Bella?", he breathed.
"Em…yeah?", I murmered, dazed.
"Let's have a baby".
I fell backwards and landed on the ground with a thud.
Edward leaned towards me but I managed to block him.
"Woah… dude slow down, I mean we haven't even made a secret handshake yet", I said pushing him back with my hand.
I stood up and looked down to see Edward peering up at me, pouting.
"So yeah em, wow is it that time already, I'd better be heading off to bed", I muttered picking up a blanket and throwing it on the couch along with a cushion.
"You can sleep here on the couch", I said and turned to leave.
"Bella?", Edward called.
I turned to see Edward already on the couch with the covers around mid torso.
I sighed deeply and strolled back to the couch.
This guy had serious mothering issues.
I tucked him in, even throwing in a kiss on the forehead, just for good measure.
I finally made it back to the door, uninterrupted this time.
I turned to see Edward watching me, with the covers up to his chin, like a little child.
"Goodnight Edward", I sang.
"Goodnight Bella", he replied sleepily.
"Don't let the boogeyman get you", I called out and managed to catch a glimpse of Edward's face, which was even paler then usual and his eyes were wide with terror, before I made my way up the stairs.
You knew you were messed up when the vampire you had brought home with you was afraid of the boogeyman.
I changed quickly and clambered into bed.
I was halfway asleep when I heard footsteps and saw a sliver of light from the door opening.
It was Edward and he still looked terrified.
"Bella?", he asked shyly.
"Huh?", I replied rubbing at my eyes.
"Can I sleep with you tonight?".
So this was basically shit. It's cute but it's not really that funny. I tried though, so that has to get me some points.
Review and I'll let you tuck Edward in for the night.
