I'd like my reviewers to know that I lub each and every one of them very much and I greatly appreciate their thoughts on the fluctuating stock market of the modern world. Thank you.
When I woke up this morning I had bruises sketched out along the planes of my pelvis bone, you know, right where it juts out. I'm swiftly reminded of how I got them, the vicious thrust of my bones hitting out against Remus's. They mar my skin and look so completely unreal, almost as if someone painted purples and blue myriads of colour on my hips whilst I was sleeping. Nonetheless, I'm grateful for them because at least they reassure me that I didn't just dream up last night. It was real. And I don't think any so real yet, paradoxically and inherently unrealistic has ever happened to me before. I'm scared today's going to be unbearably awkward. Because of me. Because of me screwing up. It's always because of me. Me and my own distinguished blend of stupidity. And this is me trying to stay optimistic.
I panicked yesterday. James walked in on us, moulded together as we were and I panicked and ran, like the fucking five year old twerp that I am. Stupid, really. It's not as if James doesn't already know how I feel about Remus. And now Remus is going to think I was ashamed or that I regret it and shit, fuck and double buggery I'm not and I don't! I was just overwhelmed. I hate James. Which is probably highly irrational but he destroyed that moment, that one moment that was just purely mine and Remus's, that moment in which the rest of the world didn't exist and Remus and I were so together in our solitude. Which makes more sense to me then it ought to. I truly resent James for it, even though I still retain full usage of all my faculties and they're telling me that he isn't at fault.
I slept in the Room of Requirement last night. And just because I could, I showered in the Prefect's bathroom – password courtesy of Remus. Back, of course, when he didn't hate me. Because I'm sure he does. I hate me. And this self-deprecating frustration is beginning to annoy me. Damn it, James! I feel so useless right now. It's like I'm tenuously flailing in this world that's beyond me and all because I screwed up yesterday. And that's ridiculous, yeah? And probably just a little bit of an over-reaction but still, it's Remus and he's sort of the focus of my entire world, if you excuse the melodrama. But he is. He's all I can wrap my mind about and all I want to wrap my arms around too, for that matter. Maybe he'll understand that I panicked. It's Remus, of course he'll understand. Maybe I don't deserve for him to understand. Whatever. I need him to. I think that means I've got to go find him...and talk to him.
I find him in the Common Room, along with James and Peter. It's now that I appreciate today's weighty status of being Saturday, it means no lessons to get in the way of whatever's going to occur between the two of us, if anything.
"Sirius!" he exclaims upon seeing me, evidently he's not ignoring me then, "we thought you had died when you didn't come back to the dorms last night," he continued with a grin, but I can see he's worried. Worried about me?
"I did die," I reply, also with a grin, "but I'm feeling much better this morning, thank you." He laughs but I can tell it's for James and Peter's benefit more than anything else. His eyes beseech mine searchingly. I guess he trying to gauge an explanation for my behaviour last night and my subsequent veritable flight of escape that would've put any professional Quidditch player to shame. I just realise now that after I made my leave last night Remus was left to deal with James's questions. I really am an insurmountable arse. Again, I find myself relieved that James already knows about my apparent homosexuality and unabashed obsession of Remus. I think he knew before I really did. He would've been incredibly pissed off if he found out only by seeing Remus and me going at it against a wall. He always is when he finds out something about me that I didn't tell him personally. James now winks at me, joking and in doing so silently communicates that everything's alright. I can't believe that a mere pittance of minutes earlier I thought I hated him, I really quite love him – in a purely platonic way, needless to say.
"Alright Sirius?" chimed James, beaming massively.
"Alright," I reply, "you?"
"Never better," he quips back, "typical timing by the way Padfoot, me and Petey Boy were just about to bugger off for a few hours and...oh, I dunno, hang out in the kitchens or something."
"We were?" enquires Peter, his surprise reflected on that otherwise blank face of his.
"Yeah," says James, "we were." And with that I watch James get up, he sends another wink my way before he leaves the Common Room with Peter trailing behind him like an obedient pet. I don't get that, you know? Why Peter's so subservient. I almost look down on him for it but then I feel guilty and pity him and then adding more confusion to my head, I feel guilty for pitying him. I guess it's because I'd rather be looked down on then pitied, I can't stand pity. It's demeaning in a way. I also don't get why James let's Peter be commanded. He shouldn't treat him like that but at this very moment in time, I'm quite glad for it because it gets rid of the two of them and leaves me with Remus. James's intentions were so blatantly clear. Even to a dolt like me his intentions were clear. He wants to give me and Remus 'space'.
"Remus," I say, at the exact same time he says, "Sirius." But I continue.
"Let me go first," I uttered, before he did, "Remus, I'm sorry. I just, I just got scared."
"I get that," he replies, nodding. And honestly, I actually think he does, "Sirius, I understand." And I still believe he does, "Last night was a big deal for both of us, after all. And you didn't give me a chance to say this last night but as it happens, I'm rather crazy about you too."
Is it possibly to internally explode from pure ecstasy?
"I hope that's alright with you," he says and he's grinning at me now and it's so very intoxicating. I grin back, I can't but grin back.
"Tell me last night wasn't just a once off," he practically demands of me.
"Last night wasn't just a once off," I reply diligently.
"Good. Now tell me when I kiss you, you won't run away."
"I won't run away."
"Good." He stands up after this comment and he starts to hesitantly bridge the gap between us. He shouldn't be so confident at this. That's normally my territory. He's moving far too slowly for my liking but for the life of me I can't hurry up the process. I'm frozen. I'm standing completely statuesque and I'm just staring at him as he moves towards me. But then eventually his lips are on mine and I find myself moving and moulding against him. All articulate thought seems to have vacated my mind. But then he tumbles back from me and for a moment we just look at each other breathlessly. His eyes are slightly glazed, his lips are red and moist and his cheeks are flushed. I find myself liking how he looks when he's been thoroughly snogged. Once I'm the one doing the snogging, of course.
Almost simultaneously we notice that we have an audience. Everyone in the Common Room, who probably represent about two thirds of Gryffindor House is staring at us. I can't even bring myself to care.
"Perhaps we should take this upstairs?" suggests Remus with a cheeky yet wholly seductive look I've never seen from him before. I want to see it again. In response to him I only manage to nod. The moment I do he grabs me and pushes me in the general direction of the stairs, which we miraculously succeed in getting up. Though, truthfully, I don't quite understand how we did accomplished this as we grinded, groped and fumbled our way up.
Once in the dormitories I can sense what's about to happen and it makes me nervous and hot all at the same time.
"I've never done before," I say, "with a bloke, I mean."
He grins at me almost predatorily. "I almost did," he says, "it didn't go exactly to plan, it was this guy I met during the Summer and well, he accidentally kicked me in the face. Superfluous as it is to say, it decidedly murdered the mood." In reply I just snicker, in what I can only hope is an attractive fashion. Sometimes the things he says or the attitude in which he says them is so unexpected and so, I dunno...but, it never fails to put me at ease, regardless of the situation. He's still grinning at me, in a nearly, wolfish manner. Fuck. It's just sinking in that I'm about to have sex with Remus. I've never been more ridiculously frightened in my entire life, but, bloody hell, I wasn't placed in Gryffindor for nothing. And with that sentiment, I drag my shirt up and over my shoulders and I fling it to the ground. Then I advance on him. I guess it's time for those fireworks.
Review please? I will be muchly obliged to you. And if you do, this time I'd like to know your thoughts on commuting – and even if you don't want to tell me your thoughts on commuting, you should still review. You know that inside you're absolutely itching to... Commuting for me: I have an hour and a half commute to Dublin each day, and then the same to get home. And due to my getting of the train at peak hours, I never get a seat. And the train's always delayed. And packed chocker-block full of people who stare, molest and shove you throughout the journey. And what's worse, it's not like I get a salary to supplement my commuting. I do it just to get to school. Because education is important. Apparently. - Leaving Cert this year, eeeeeeek. I'm thinking of doing political science in Trinity. I need 545 points though, (out of 600. And getting the points all rides on a set of exams come June - this is a big deal. One of those, 'deciding factors of your future' big deals. But 545 is doable...Optimism). Today my train broke down and they, (well, the train driver), threw us out in the cold and rain, in the middle of what can be conceived as the countryside, to stand for two hours and wait for another train to come and pick us up. Unrelenting joy, as you can well imagine. Nothing forces people to bond quite like mutual distress. You can say what you want about dictators, but that Mussolini, he sure knew how to keep the trains running on time. So zounds!, my friends, if you share in my commuter misery, please share with me your own displeasure and tales of the horrors that are: trains, buses, the Luas, (only really applicable in Ireland, I guess), the subway, the tube and so on...
Yes. That's my rant for the day over with.
