Listen to "Blockbuster" by the Sweet
Francis really did not want to go on the Ferris wheel but Arthur was quite insistent. Suddenly he realised something. "Arthur dear?"
"What?" He replied as they approached the wheel.
"Is that the Sweeney over there?"
Arthur looked over to where he was indicating to see about six policemen running towards them, looking quite angry. "There they are, they killed Gypsy Rosie Lee! Get them!" Yelled one of them.
"Mon Dieu!" Do they mean us?
"Fuck!" Screamed Arthur, grabbing Francis by the collar "Lets get out of here!" He dragged him along and they ran as fast as their legs could carry them to the dilapidated little three wheeler, in order to get away from the police who were absolutely sure they'd killed the Gypsy, thanks to there being a que of fathers and daughters who saw them leave just before the lady was found dead on the floor of her caravan.
As the Sweeney approached them, Francis got in the drivers seat and tried to get the stupid old three wheeler to start and it wouldn't start and then when they were three feet away from them it finally puffed into life, and the tape started playing "Blockbuster" by The Sweet, as they drove off. The cops got into cars and started chasing them all round the streets of Brighton, thinking they were murderers.
"This has turned out to be the worst day of my life!" Arthur screamed as they drove through Brighton's narrow streets far too fast. "I should have known a day out in Brighton would be crappy!"
Francis was driving, and he was panicking at the same time. "HELP ARTHUR I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE THIS THING!" Francis screamed. "WHICH WAY DO I GO?"
"LEFT LEFT!… FROG…LEFT!" screamed Arthur using his supreme knowledge of Brightons hidey holes and places that police couldn't get to easily. Francis panicked and turned right towards the big wheel instead.
"I said left…!" Arthur cried. "They're gonna arrest us for MURDER!"
Arthur slammed his foot on the brake making the car swerve into a pet shop. It was freedom day for all the pets, dogs, cats, rabbits and chickens that resided in that pet shop, but the owner, Gilbert was pissed. In a flurry of woofs, meows and chicken clucks, Arthur retrieved Francis from the wreck of the three wheeler. "Come on Frog we have to get out of here before the Sweeney come and find this place trashed!" He cried.
"You made me crash!" Cried the Frenchman, not taking too kindly to being dragged along. "It's not my fault…"
Gilbert soon was being interviewed by a policeman who was jotting down everything he said.
"So Mr… Beischmidt… you've run this pet shop… German Poodles Kitties and Chickens… for quite some time now… can you tell me what happened?" Asked the policeman. Gilbert stood there holding a prized white chicken he called Daisy, the tears flowing down his Albino cheeks.
"It was terrible.." He wailed "I was giving Daisy here, her weekly pedicure, we were listening to Rammstien as usual… I wasn't expecting my entire shop to be trashed by das Englander und … his Poncey friend…" he cried. The chicken clucked and the policeman smoked a cigarette.
Arthur and Francis kept running till they came across a pub and decided to hide in there. It was called "Cheers" and was an Italian themed bar, and behind it stood Feliciano Vargas, cleaning a glass and humming "Shaddupa you face". They walked in… no they fell in… through the door, Francis was spitting chicken feathers out of his mouth and Arthur smelled like cat food.
"Two beers please Feli!" Arthur said holding up two fingers. Feliciano got confused as two fingers = V which is Roman numerals is 5.
Five beers? He asked.
"No two…" Arthur said again holding up two fingers "two beers…"
"Five?"
"Two!"
During this misunderstanding the police spotted them in the bar and burst in after them. "Oi you two!" screamed one of them. "You are under arrest for the murder of Gypsy Rosie Lee!"
Once again grabbing Francis, Arthur dragged him out to the toilet and they made their escape through a tiny toilet window whilst the Sweeney hammered on the toilet door. Eventually they got out and ran away in the opposite direction.
"This is shit!" Arthur grumbled. "We need to get out of sight and quickly!" he uttered. "I know.." he said having an idea.. "I know exactly where we can hide." He said gazing at the Ferris wheel. "Come on… we can't wait around to be arrested.. .they will fit us up and no mistake…" he said dragging Francis to the Ferris wheel, right by the Sweeney who were all gathered outside the front of the pub with batons, guns, and arrest warrants. They didn't even see them walk past.
Francis gazed in fear as the Ferris wheel loomed before him. He had to go up there now, because they were being chased by the Sweeney because they found the old tart in the caravan brown bread. What else could he do but go along with what England wanted, that brash, uncouth, self obsessed little…adorable sexy Angleterre…he was so sexy when he was agitated. Francis loved being dragged around by him, so lovingly. Arthur turned around and saw Francis gazing at him adoringly and shook his head.
"We are running away from the cops and all you can think about is sex… seriously…" He grumbled.
"No I was thinking how great it is when you treat me roughly, dragging me around and making me run after you like that… its very attractive."
"Stop it Frog!" Arthur said as they approached the Ferris wheel and skipped the que, much to the ticket issuers surprise. They paid the fare and got on quickly, into a little pod and waited for it to set off.
Francis sat there feeling very apprehensive. He hated Ferris wheels, but he'd never said that to Arthur, cos not only were they cramped and closed in, they also went up really high and going up and down made him sick too. He gulped and waited for the ride to start, wishing they'd just stayed at home and slept together like they usually did on Tuesdays.
The ride began and Francis held on to the bar on the inside, even though there was no way he could fall. He felt his muscles tense up, his grip got tighter and tighter and then he panicked so badly, and grabbed Arthur between the legs. Now at this point he would have grabbed anything and everything but it just so happened that the Englishman was so close to him and sitting spread-eagled on the seat there, his legs wide open to the world, what else was he gonna grab in a panic? Alright yes he could have grabbed something else but he didn't.. he grabbed him by the balls.
"AAAAARGH!" yelled Arthur finding himself suddenly in the clutches of the Frenchman, who had somehow taken a shine to his crown jewels. "WHAT IN GODS NAME ARE YOU DOING?"
"I'M SORRY!" wailed Francis "I HATE FERRIS WHEELS… WE'RE GOING TO DIE!"
"Francis!" hissed England who was being squeezed half to death. "You grabbed me by the balls!" he gasped, his eyes bulging as the ride got higher and higher. The higher it got the more Francis tensed up and panicked, squeezing England's balls even harder.
"Let go of me you bloody Frog!" Screamed Arthur tugging at Francis fingers, and trying to release himself from the Frenchmans iron grip. In desperation he smacked him across the face, finally freeing himself, however, such a grip on him had caused him to get a bit wet. He looked down at the damage… looking very embarrassed. Francis wasn't even bothered about that, he was sitting there whimpering like a child. The bottom of the pod was clear plexiglass and the ride was just going higher and higher. Waiting for them at the bottom were the Sweeney, Gilbert, a plethora of Fathers and Daughters, and that bloke who loaned them the car in the first place, who had realised it was now trashed in Brighton and he was really quite mad.
"Dammit!" Cried Arthur. "When this Ferris wheel comes down the other side, we're gonna be toast!" he uttered "What to do…what to do…"
On the seat was someone's left over fish and chips.. not much just a few crumbs and a bit of fish. Arthur had an idea. He opened the top of the pod and threw the leftovers out on to the top of the pod, and lo and behold along came a flock of seagulls who wanted to have the fish, and not surprisingly they jammed the mechanism of the wheel causing it to stop in its tracks, over 100ft up in the air.
"Result!" He cried.
"You s..s…stopped…the…wh…wheel.. you…b..bastard…" wept Francis, curled up in a ball and rocking to and fro. "We're going to die… you hate me…. "
"No I don't.. I just don't want to get arrested." Arthur replied. "What's wrong with you anyway?"
"I am afraid of heights… and enclosed spaces and wheels… and…I can't stand it…" Wailed Francis. "Why did you stop the ride?"
Arthur knelt down beside Francis, ignoring the fact that he stank a bit after what happened to him. "You're going to be alright… we just need to figure out how to get out of this mess…"
"Arthur…?" Francis uttered, sniffing the air "You wet yourself..?"
He went bright red, and stood up, turning the other way. "You shouldn't have grabbed me by the…"
"Je suis Desole…" uttered Francis "I panicked… I didn't mean it."
"I know…" Arthur replied with his head in his hands feeling quite miserable "That doesn't change what happened though does it? Now you've seen me with wet pants…"
To be continued.
