Chapter 2 – The worth of a life

Pre-read by Fanf1cFan

Glaring white light splayed over her closed eyelids causing her to wince in confusion. Something is wrong. Her apartment's light fixtures were unable to produce such illumination. Heat washed over her, and a familiar niggling undercurrent of anger tugged at her mind, telling her the impossible. She was synced with her Eva. Opening her eyes to slits, a blinding white rectangle of light assaulted her vision. Pulling back slightly, she made out the edges of the shuttle shield in her hands. Her Eva's hands. Skittering light and electrical discharges from the mag-coating flashed around the edges, the sheer power of Ramiel's particle beam pushing her backwards.

"C'mon…" Shinji's tense voice echoed its way through the open comm channel. Out of the corner of her eye she saw a spent fuse fly into the night behind her as he cycled the bolt of his rifle. Red symbols flashed in her peripheral vision, warning her of the imminent shutdown of her Eva's primary coolant system. The seconds counted down, past the time-limit she knew. Ikari should have fired by now.

"Damnit! Where's my power?" Shinji's voice was strained.

"It's not the power," Ritsuko's professional voice played over her ears. "A secondary coolant line has fractured. The barrel…"

"…aah!" Her entire plug went red with warnings, and she felt a line of intense agony crawl down her spine as she slowly lost connection with the Eva. The LCL surrounding her quickly shot up to scalding temperatures as the shield began to fail in places.

"Ayanami!" Shinji's frantic voice sounded distant, as if the LCL was losing its conductive properties, and she heard him shout something at Ritsuko. The woman's voice was insistent, then there was a massive explosion behind her.

"Shinji!" Misato's desperate voice sounded in the distance.

Misfire. It was the only thing that made sense, and was her final thought as she felt a second much closer jolt directly behind and above her. G-forces pressed her into the seat, graying her vision. She blacked out several seconds later when her ejecting plug hit something solid.

Rei awoke face down on the ground, her limbs sluggish, her mind full of confusion. Tilting her head slightly, she caught sight of her half-melted entry plug, the hatchway door missing. I must have been thrown clear when the LCL was evacuated. A beautiful but deadly thread of energy floated overhead, splitting the night with its passing. She closed her eyes momentarily against a rising plume of purple energy that must have been the mobile command center.

Looking forward, she saw Unit-01, or what was left of it, lying in a tangle of sheared-off trees. The upper body was relatively intact, the plug halfway ejected. You will not die, I will protect you. Her previous words echoed hollowly in her ears. She had failed him. Ignoring the pain in her midsection, she pulled herself hand over hand along the ground towards the distant objective.

Twenty agonizing minutes later, the remnants of Unit-01 towered above her, and her breath caught in her throat at a crumpled figure lying on the ground directly beneath the open entry plug overhead. Heedless of her own injuries she crawled over, reaching out a hand to his neck. A steady slow pulse beat against her fingers. He still lives. Exhausted beyond measure, she let her arm fall over his stomach and collapsed beside him into slumber.


Shinji's eyes were wide, his pupils contracted with fear as he assessed the mounting disaster surrounding him. Unit-00 was a lump of melted armor in the distance, what was left of his own Unit hung above him crucified amidst the trees, the mobile command center burned somewhere behind him, and Rei was collapsed on top of him. They're all dead. I killed them when I pulled the trigger.

The trees looming over him in the night were charred and twisted by the heat radiating from his wrecked Eva, their bent limbs grotesquely reaching out over him, passing judgment. Pain ripped through him as he covered Rei's arm with his own. Her arm rested limply on his stomach, her hand cold. Don't die. Please don't die... He gripped it tightly as what was happening around him started to sink in. This can't be happening. This can't be-

Between one blink and the next, he snapped instantly awake, his heart hammering in his ears. The flickering light behind him was a worn-out street lamp, not the burning Command Center. The dark shadows surrounding him were unfamiliar, but they were neither trees, nor his ruined Eva. Most importantly, the arm over his stomach was warm, and the hand gripping the front of his t-shirt definitely still had life in it. The momentary adrenaline drained out of him in one big rush leaving him woozy. His relief was such that he did not put two and two together, and he fell back into a dreamless sleep.


The first sliver of morning sun peeked through the dusty window throwing strange patterns of light on the far wall as it refracted through the plastic measuring cup sitting on Rei's bedside table. Shinji blinked muzzily as he drifted awake, and for a moment he had no idea where he was. Despite being in a strange environment, he felt a deep sense of well-being. He had not slept so well in a very long time, especially considering the past couple of...

The events of his most recent nightmare flashed across his vision. The burning Command Center. His Eva torn apart. Rei collapsed beside him in a crumpled heap. He gripped the warm slender hand tightly against his chest. She's alive, he reminded himself. She's alive. Wait. Rei's arm was around him, and her breath tickled the back of his neck. He glanced back helplessly, wondering what to do.

Rei had crawled out of her bed and collapsed against his back, her good arm over his stomach. The sheets were still tangled around her midsection and trailed back to the bed. But why? a corner of his mind wondered. It had to have caused her tremendous pain.

I need you. Why did he have to remember that kind of thing at a time like this? She remembers. But how much? Visions of a massive circular tank full of naked things with Rei's countenance danced in his head. But the one holding onto you is real. He had known that immediately, had seen the spark, recognized it from their previous short friendship.

His mind continued to flit this way and that as he tried to ignore the seductive feel of an attractive girl pressing up against his back, her arm around him.

Time and its perceptions were not something he had a firm grasp on considering the circumstances. He only knew that at some point she began to stir, and he jumped. As her arm loosened he slid from her grasp and backed up against the wall, pulling his knees to his chest as his adrenaline-(and hormone) charged mind assessed the situation.

Maybe she won't notice. No way in hell. She climbed against me, so maybe it's not a problem anyway. I wouldn't count on it. Umm, it's not like we've never seen each other naked before, right? Strike three.

As she blinked sleepily, he recounted his sins.

Fell on her while she was naked, check. Forced her to sacrifice herself because I'm a douche of a pilot, check. Had a steamy fantasy session with her in another reality after jacking off to her arch-rival, check. Okay, maybe that last one was a bit too harsh. ...aaand, she's awake and staring at me.

It was absurdly easy for his traitorous mind to overlay the naked Rei he had seen in that orange place over the real one before him. He immediately blushed a very deep red, still frozen to the spot lest he look like even more of an idiot by either talking or moving.

"Stop blushing," she instructed, as a shade of pink crept across her face. He blinked.

"Y-You stop blushing," he replied. After a short staring contest which Shinji only won by being too embarrassed and stunned to move, she averted her eyes.

"I cannot," she admitted. "Besides, I asked first." Her expression was as near to a pout as Rei was ever likely to get. After a few more seconds she must have reached her limit. "In precisely twelve and a half days," she said quite carefully, still a deep shade of pink, "I will be able to move again." Shinji caught the implied threat in no time at all.

"Breakfast," he said, quickly getting to his feet and making for the kitchen area. "I'll make breakfast." Eyeing his messed-up futon, he slowed, and turned to straighten it up for a moment. After fastidiously rolling it up, he started to roll it over towards its place in the closet. While he did so, he surreptitiously glanced back towards Rei. Still pink.

"Ikari!"

"Going...!"

He left the futon in the middle of the room and this time he didn't stop.

It wasn't until after he had begun to make breakfast that he came to the startlingly obvious realization. The details of his dream the previous night had almost completely faded, but he still remembered her crumpled form collapsed against him after their Evas had been destroyed, mainly because that was how he'd found her when he had awakened.

She must have sleep-crawled, he decided. Which meant she had mimicked actions in a dream, one similar to his. Or maybe exactly the same as his.

After finishing the morning's culinary masterpiece (which looked suspiciously like the previous night's miso), he made his way to her bedside. Although he felt bad about the lack of variety, she had ingredients for nothing else. The soup itself was the most basic of recipes, almost too plain to even be considered miso.

"I'll go to the store on my way out," he said by way of apology as he handed Rei her steaming bowl. She set the bowl down, reached over to her bedside table, picked up a mag-striped rectangle of plastic and held it out to him mutely. He took it from her fingers, turning it over and over in his hands, momentarily locked in the repetitive action as he continued to think about the dream.

"There is no password," she said helpfully.

Of course there wouldn't be, he realized, gathering his own bowl and sitting down on the end of the bed. Anyone foolish enough to steal it would soon find themselves in a cold dark lonely cell courtesy of her ever-present Section Two escort. They ate in silence for a few minutes.

"I dreamed," Rei said, broaching the subject they both had been avoiding. Shinji's disquiet grew as she explained her dream, and with each word of description she confirmed his initial guess. He set his empty bowl aside.

"I dreamed the same thing," he admitted. "But from my own perspective." He looked up, the unease in his eyes contrasted by the surprise in hers. "What does it mean that we're sharing dreams?" his voice dropped to a whisper. She did not answer.

The moment of silence stretched out until a business-like knock interrupted it. Shinji walked over apprehensively, opening the door to find Ritsuko. The woman was dressed in her usual shirt/pants/lab-coat combination, a clipboard in her hand, her expression stern.

"…uh, come in," Shinji stuttered after a moment of silence that accidentally came near to being impolite in its length. She swept past him, her hard eyes taking in the mess, the unmade futon, and Rei sitting on her bed finishing breakfast. Her expression softened at this. "Sorry," Shinji continued, trailing at her elbow. "I haven't had time to clean up. I was just about to go to the store, and…" his words stumbled over each other in their haste.

"Go, then." She handed him a nondescript cell-phone.

He took it gingerly. "What…" He paused, trying to work through what he wanted to say, then realized he had no idea what he wanted to say. "...um." This was all new to him, and he was still deadlocked by the stunning revelation of a moment ago, which he could not tell Ritsuko. Would Rei tell her? Why was the doctor even here?

"I've been assigned as your guardian," she interrupted, inadvertently answering his question. Her lips quirked, then her face softened further. "Look, don't expect me to babysit you, but if you need anything… please don't hesitate to call."

"Okay." He didn't know what else to say, having never seen anything close to a parental side from the normally cold doctor. "Thanks," he added, finally turning to head for the door. The longer he stayed, the more chances he had to say the wrong thing.

"Oh, and Shinji." He paused, looking back momentarily. "I've enrolled you in school. If you're back before I finish here, I'll drive you. It's on the way back to NERV." He nodded, but she had already turned back to Rei. Truthfully, he would rather have walked. He needed the time alone with his thoughts, and he did not want to endure the possibly-embarrassing questions she might have for him.


His trip to the store was a collage of ordinary moments and memories. "Shin-chaaan! We're out of Yebisu, be a dear and pick some up while you're out! Just tell them I sent you and show them your NERV ID and it should be alright!" The wink in her voice was always obvious. His worry-lined face softened at the memory. She had so often sent him out that the store owner had eventually stopped bothering him about being under-age whenever he had bought her beer. His hands automatically collected materials suitable for the two finicky eaters he remembered, and his feet had carried him halfway to Misato's apartment before he stopped dead in the road, realizing where he was heading. Sorrow hit him like a massive wave, cresting over and nearly drowning him. She was right there, not ten minutes up the road. Still in bed, most likely. A hot ball of sadness constricted his throat, and a tear slipped down his face.

Stupid! He clenched his teeth in frustration. That he could so easily cry over such useless things only made it worse that the tears never came when he needed them. She's not dead, he told the corner of his mind that was currently fetal on the ground. He imagined going into her apartment. The one he had lived in for half a year. The one that contained all his memories of his short stint with NERV. Misato, his guardian. Former guardian, his demon reminded him. Not even that. Everything they had been through was gone. She's not dead, he repeated numbly. But she might as well be, to me. Because of me.

He turned to retrace his steps back to Rei's apartment. Oh well, I guess it's better this way. Ritsuko'll be gone by now for sure. He crested the final hill half an hour later to find that Ritsuko had not gone. If anything, she had taken her time and cleaned up a little, judging by the reduced trash-level and the recently-washed dishes.

"Ah!" faux-blonde hair shifted in his direction as he shut the door behind him with a click. "Ready to go, Shinji?" The question and its tone was nearly identical to the one she used during his many training sessions in Unit-01 a life-time ago.

"Sure," he dipped his head slightly. "Let me just make lunch first." He waited a beat, walking over to the refrigerator. "Thanks for waiting. You really didn't have to do that..." He pulled open the door and began putting away the food he had bought.

"It's no trouble," she answered from the other room. "I'll just pack up. Come on out when you're done."

"Okay."

Before he left, he made sure to leave Rei's lunch in a cooler on her bedside table. Her eyes thanked him, and then closed again. He turned to leave.


Ritsuko's compact hybrid plug-in made very little noise apart from the soft hum of the rubber against the road.

"Thanks again, for taking me to school," Shinji said, breaking the long silence.

"I was against housing the both of you in the same residence," the doctor spoke, after a few moments. "But then again, I was also against Rei living by herself." Her lips quirked into a wry smile. "I guess the Commander has a point. If you're old enough to be trusted with something like Eva, you're old enough to be trusted to live on your own..."

Another long silence buffered the remaining time it took to get to school.

Work, Shinji thought idly. Work, and us, now that we're part of her work. That's all she's talked about. She hasn't mentioned anything about her personal life yet.

"Alright," she pulled up to the curb and glanced sidelong at him. "You know the way back?" ...to Rei's apartment?

"Yes ma'am," he answered quickly, assuming that was what she meant. He unfolded himself from the vehicle, paused, and waited in case she had any further instructions. She calmly returned his gaze, looking him up and down as if she were taking readings.

"You've got everything?"

"Yes ma'am." Something about her demeanor seemed to indicate that he should be formal, and despite a slight crinkling at the edges of her eyes, she did not correct him, or tell him any different.

"Remember, if you need anything, call me," she reminded him.

"Thanks," he said, breaking eye contact uneasily and re-shouldering his backpack. "I know you're busy..." he stopped himself, wondering if she would consider such a statement strange. From her perspective he had worked with her for about a day now, so perhaps not. She nodded once.

"Even so, if I'm too busy, I could have someone else come pick you up." He winced inwardly at the trouble he was putting her through. "Maya." A premonition buzzed along his nerves, too late to do any good. "...or Misato." The ball of sadness still in his throat made its presence known, and his eyes watered, but he managed to hold back the useless tears.

"Really, that's okay," he insisted softly, turning to go. "Walking is fine."

"Remember, you've got training tonight at NERV!" she called after him. "You know the way?"

He nodded, no longer trusting his voice.


Shinji walked the familiar school-grounds, his questing eyes taking everything in, trying to erase visions of the barren wasteland he remembered following Unit-00's destruction. Despite the grounds being almost completely deserted, he nearly ran over a fellow student who stumbled out of the way as Shinji stopped. The apology on his tongue died away as he saw who it was.

"Hey! Watch where yer goin'- uh, you new here?" The boy's belligerent tone became questioning, and his bespectacled friend smiled.

It can't be, Shinji thought numbly. He skipped school for a week taking care of his sister... Why is he here?

"I'm Touji," the boy continued. "Whaddya lookin at? Don't ya have any manners!?"

"Ah, I'm Shinji..." I'm not ready for this. He had not been expecting to see a familiar face so soon. Or at least not that particular familiar face. What do I say? How do I act? These questions were not new to him, but this time they had a different meaning. There's no way this is going to end well. "...ex-excuse me!" He turned and jogged for the classroom.

"Was it somethin I said?" Touji muttered, hands on his hips.

His companion pushed his glasses higher on his nose. "Maybe he just doesn't like your type."

"What's not ta like?"


Shinji had unconsciously chosen to sit in the place directly behind Rei's temporarily empty desk. His head rested on his arms, expression blank as he faced the wall. "Welcome. You can sit pretty much anywhere you want." (nervous laughter) "As you can see, we're pretty empty at the moment." Hikari's words echoed in his ears, reproaching him. Everything in this classroom reproached him. The blank walls, the empty desks, the subtle undercurrent of worry that filled the air, it was all because of him. Hikari's expression had filled with worry when he had unconsciously flinched at her words, causing him further grief. He had to forcefully remind himself that every child missing at this point was due to choice, not because his failures had killed them. They were not dead. Yet, an inner voice sneered. Give it a week or so. Hikari's worried face had eventually left him alone with his demons, which was the way he wanted it. Don't let anyone else suffer because of me. Please… Of course the tears were absent as the demon continued to taunt him. Don't worry, they won't suffer. I'm sure when you allow death to come for them it will be quick.

Shutting his eyes tightly, he focused his mind on the most recent quandary. Touji's here. He's not supposed to be here for at least a week. A tiny flare of hope sprang up. He's here, and he wouldn't be here if his sister was hurt. Like a bitterly tired traveler out in the desolate cold with the flame of a single match for comfort, he cupped his hands around the small hope, desperately trying to keep it alive and burning. A soft familiar noise drew his attention. He picked up his head and looked back to see Hikari lending her handkerchief to a girl who wept quietly.


Walking slowly down the hallway towards the sparsely populated lunch room, Shinji's mind wandered back to earlier in the day. He had always taken Ritsuko to be rather cold and professional, similar to his first impressions of Rei, and he knew he would have to reevaluate how he saw her now. For that matter, he would also have to reconsider how he saw Rei. The girl had shown more emotion since Third Impact than the entire half year he had known her back in the original time-line.

Pausing at the lunch room entrance, he considered the nearly-empty room. Touji and Kensuke sat in their usual location, and his legs almost took him there automatically before he stopped himself with an effort. Why not? he thought. I can find out for sure whether or not his sister is injured. His legs, which had been so eager to take him to his friends-from-another-time now refused to move. What would I say? I know them, but they don't know me. His embarrassment grew as he stood there wavering, and the only thing that kept him on his feet was the fact that the room was mostly empty. If things go bad, he told himself calmly, I can always kill myself and do it over again.


Shinji sat on the end of Rei's bed studying his hands. His companion was sitting up against the wall, a pillow cushioning her. A small booklet lay facedown on the sheets beside her.

"I was so relieved." The boy's voice was taut with self-loathing. "When I found out Touji's sister was uninjured, I was actually… happy. And all that time, behind me sat a girl who had lost almost her entire extended family. You know what the worst part is?" He looked up into her crimson gaze. "For a few minutes I was actually okay with it, because it was someone I didn't know."

Rei nodded. "The bonds you have created are unequal, and it bothers you."

"Is that wrong?"

"It depends on how you let them influence your actions."

"Ayanami, who am I to decide who lives and dies?"

"From my own observations, you appear to be doing all you can to save as many lives as possible."

"I could be doing more," he said, looking down.

Rei considered his words. Before now they had not discussed their situation directly, and she had shied away from broaching the subject for fear of driving him away. "How?" she asked pointedly.

"We can go back and do things over," he explained, giving her a surprised look, then his expression turned sheepish. "We've never really talked about this, have we?"

"We have not." She waited expectantly.

He nodded, looking away momentarily. "I guess there's no point wasting any more time blaming myself when I could be doing something about it." He looked back at her, swallowing. "Whenever I die, I go back to the beginning, to right before I fought that first Angel."

"I recall waking up three times now," she said. "I was never called to pilot Unit-01."

"You're not fit to pilot, Ayanami. How could I let you?"

Her cheeks colored a light pink. "Did you die when facing the Angel?"

"Sort of…" He explained his initial confusion, and how he had learned that dying was what reset things.

"I see." Rei paused. "And you wish to go back now?"

"Yeah." Shinji looked away again. "I just… I don't know how. I mean, I don't know if I could do that to myself." He swallowed. "Kill myself," he finally forced himself to say.

Rei picked up her cell phone from her bedside table, pressing a single number and putting it to her ear. "I need you in my apartment." She waited a beat. "Yes." She ended the call and set the phone down.

"Who was that?" Shinji finally asked, when she did not offer any explanation of her own accord. He looked behind him when the door opened and a man came into the apartment. He was quite nondescript, and only his stance and his eyes gave Shinji any clue that he was a professional. Section Two, he realized. The man casually sauntered over to Rei's bedside.

"Yes?" he said in a smooth but hard voice.

"Draw your weapon, chamber a round, and give it to me."

There was the barest hint of hesitation before the man slowly reached behind him extracting a small automatic. Checking the clip, he pulled back the slide, rechecked to make sure the safety was on, then handed her the weapon.

"…ah, Ayanami, um…" For some reason Shinji's mind raced back to his most recent visit for injections. The nurse commented that he was quite easy to handle, saying that most children were so squeamish they argued and flinched all the way up to the point the needle penetrated their skin. But this isn't just a simple shot! a corner of his mind gibbered. Well, actually, yes it is, another piece of him argued clinically. Rei ended his internal debate by calmly releasing the safety and shooting him between the eyes.


He floated above earth, confusion quickly giving way to the strands of humanity that began to worm their way through his mind without his permission. No one ever seemed to ask his permission these days. Ritsuko didn't ask if he wanted another guardian, one that would most likely get killed again on his watch. No one ever asked him if he wanted to pilot, and if they did it wouldn't matter, since without him they'd all die, and what kind of choice was that? Certainly not one he'd asked for. Even Rei had not asked permission before shooting him. A corner of his mind not yet invaded by the seething masses calmly berated him. Of all people, you can't blame her. She was only trying to help you through a problem. Besides, this was your idea. You've got another body waiting for you. Just. The faux blood running through his nonexistent veins turned to ice. Like. Rei. Something in him frayed, and almost snapped. He shut his eyes, summoned a hurricane of force from who-knew-where, and evicted all the unwanted guests from his mind.

He awoke on the beach, and this time he was not alone. Blood-shot eyes flicked over taking in the blue hair and pale skin.

Ayanami...

A nervous chuckle rasped its way through his dry throat. His fellow pilot gave him a questioning glance.

"Ah, nothing..." Not nothing, his demon insisted. Go ahead and tell her. He looked into her unnaturally red eyes and shivered once. "I've become just what I..." he coughed once, attempting to clear his airway of the dryness and hurtful words. "...what I always feared about you," he blurted, looking up into the night sky in embarrassment. He felt her intense gaze boring into him, and the questions behind it. Questions she would not ask, because she was Rei. "I've got another body waiting for me back at the beginning, and this one doesn't have a bullet in its head." The pain in his voice tore at his insides and elicited a gasp from his companion. Does it really bother me this much? It's not even the same. How could I throw it in her face like this?

How could you not? His demon sneered.

An embarrassing silence filled the air causing him to wonder why he had not already been sent back to the beginning. It doesn't usually take this long. Why... His discomfort grew, along with the urge to escape, when the world suddenly turned inside out.


5:43 PM

Rei stared at the glowing blue numbers on the chronometer built into the ICU bed. She was once again back at the beginning. Closing her eyes in concentration, she brought to mind the exact words and facial expressions that had convinced Gendo to allow Shinji to tend to her while she healed.

Going through the motions for the second time, and observing the Commander's reactions with the practiced eye of one who had already been through the exact same circumstances once before, she began to question whether it was her specific words at all, though she knew her arguments were sound enough on the surface. It is likely he granted my request because I make so few of them, she decided, as Gendo nodded his dismissal, and the nurse wheeled her chair back to the ICU ward to prepare for her return to her apartment.


The nurse hovered protectively over her bed, looking askance at the messy state of the apartment.

"If you need any help before he gets here, be sure to call," she said, pulling the sheet snugly up over Rei's resting form.

"Yes." Such an event would be highly unlikely. She had not needed any help the previous time around. She closed her eyes to rest as the nurse shut her bag with a metallic snap and walked to the door. She looked back, a worried expression on her face before shutting the door behind her with a click.

Finally alone, Rei had plenty of time to consider her previous actions before Shinji arrived. If he arrived. Though she drifted in and out of consciousness many times from the pain of her familiar wounds, her thoughts were singular. His life is as worthless as mine now, and I had to be so thoughtless as to remind him of that fact with my actions.

She sighed quietly, going over in her mind her own experiences with death. Failure meant replacement. She was intimately familiar with this concept, having already died once. Sacrificed, she amended. I've already been sacrificed once. All Naoko Akagi had needed was a little push on her already unstable psyche, and Gendo had sent her to accomplish that task. And now she had begun treating Shinji the same way. It would be a miracle if he did not hate her for this.

She was relieved beyond measure when she awoke to a bowl of soup which had been set down near her good arm. Shinji's back was to her, the methodical swish-swish of rough fabric against metal letting her know he was washing dishes. He put aside the clean sauce-pan, picked up his own bowl and slowly made his way back towards the bed. His eyes were blank and haunted, and she held her breath. Had she really caused him this much pain with her carelessness? His eyes regained a hint of life when he saw she was conscious.

"Oh, you're awake..." each long second that passed by seemed an eternity as she replayed those three words in her head, trying to extract feeling and meaning from them. Hate? Fear? Was he here just because he felt some sense of duty? "Sorry," the boy said, his mouth twitching into a faint smile. I should be saying that to you, Rei thought. I just wish I knew how, or what- "I'll make it to the store one of these days, but until then, it's going to have to be Miso."

Relief washed over her, eroding her mask temporarily. "I do not mind," she admitted with a wry smile. If only he knew how bland her diet usually was. The simple miso residing in the bowl by her arm was a feast compared to what she usually ate. She closed her eyes to marshal the strength necessary to lift herself, and to bring what calm she could to her frayed nerves. She would gladly eat miso until he was satisfied with his battle against the Angel, and was once again willing to continue down the time-line to a point where he would have the chance to further enrich their diet.

"Was the battle satisfactory?" she asked, when she got her voice back after the agony of sitting up. She reached out a shaking hand to retrieve her bowl and spoon.

"What?"

"Was there minimal loss of life?"

The haunted look returned to his eyes momentarily. "I don't know," he admitted. "There was definitely less collateral damage, and I tried to keep... It... from stumbling into buildings or moving around too much, but... I just don't know." A spoon-full of soup dutifully filled the uncomfortable silence. "I guess I'll find out more at school tomorrow."

Her relief at his lack of anger was such that she failed to ask him about his thoughts on their shared dream. It was not until Shinji had put up the dishes, changed, turned off the light, and lay down on his futon that she remembered. Time is of little consequence now, she decided as she drifted off to sleep. We can discuss it later.


Harsh light forced her to blink rapidly as the particle rifle's discharge sounded through her entry plug. Cheers over the comm channel died away when the Angel's beam continued to lash at her shield.

"What happened?!" Misato's voice, frantic with worry.

"Problem with the targeting linkup interface," Ritsuko stated in a calm clipped tone. "He missed," she clarified, apparently responding to a confused look from Misato.

Rei watched her options dwindle, and knew there really was only one. "Ikari," she grunted between clinched teeth. "Escape while you can."

"What? No! I-"

"-aah!" she almost doubled over from the pain, but she knew if the shield dropped, so would Shinji. Something solid slammed into her, knocking her from the path of Ramiel's fury. Unit-01. Scrambling her Eva to its feet, she hefted the shield one-handed just as the Angel's particle beam swept over to reacquire her. She bent and managed to halfway pick up Unit-01, at least enough to begin dragging it away out of the line of sight of the Angel. We will not make it, she realized, watching the temperature indicators at the edge of her vision climb alarmingly. Her coolant systems failed just as she stumbled over something, sending her plummeting down onto Shinji's Eva. The Angel's weapon terminated at that moment, which she found odd, until she noticed that her movements had grown sluggish. The Angel had already won. With her last power reserves, she moved her Eva directly in front of his.

"Eject, Ikari!" she spoke as clearly as she could over the technicians shouting on the comm channel. She could only hope that her Eva would stop the Angel's beam long enough for him to do so. She had just reached over to activate her own ejection systems when blinding pain cut through her midsection.


Shinji's eyes snapped open, Rei's phantom scream still assaulting his mind. Something heavy was pinning him down, and when the haze cleared from his eyes, he saw that it was Rei. She had collapsed across his stomach.

"Aya- nami!" he wheezed, shifting his trapped arms.

"Please," she murmured, her voice breaking up. "I do not wish to dream anymore..." as he felt her breathing slow, several things stood out in stark detail. One, the bandages across her chest did not in any way hide the fact that she was most decidedly female, and two, he would likely not be sleeping any more that night. She whimpered once, probably from pain, and while his heart softened, other parts of him went the entirely opposite direction. Trying to ignore the girl's rhythmic breathing, her heartbeat, and whatever else might remind him that an attractive girl was lying on top of him, he desperately attempted to calm himself enough to sleep, even though all he wanted to do at this point was curl up and die from embarrassment. By some miracle, he did manage to get to sleep, eventually, but his dreams gave him no respite.


There had only been one time in his life when he had felt what was running through his nerves now, and that time the girl in question had held his nose until he had nearly passed out on the floor. Someone's tongue moved inside his mouth, and someone's body moved against his, and...

Shinji's eyes snapped open, locking onto the startled crimson orbs inches away from his own. Neither of them breathed, and neither of them moved. Checking with a piece of his mind that was not currently shrieking in fear and embarrassment, he found to his relief that no part of her was in him.

"...t-tell me," Shinji cleared his very dry throat. "Tell me you didn't just have a dream." Please.

"...o-kay." Her pupils had constricted further despite the dark, "I did not just have a dream."

Shinji watched in fascination and fear. Never before had he directly observed Rei tell a lie. The moment stretched out, and a hint of pink crept onto her cheeks. ...g-get off. He could not make his voice work. She seemed to come to some inner decision, and began to lean forward. No! Don't- Her lips touched his, stopping all thought.


Warmth. Her breath on him. He was lying in a pool of familiar yellowish liquid, and someone's arms were around his body, as her lips ever so gently ministered to his. This was Heaven, he decided, and he was dead. The soft warm sensation of her lips against his erased everything else from his mind, smoothing out all the jagged memories of Third Impact, all the embarrassments of his half-a-year-stay at NERV, everything. If this was the end result of all that, it was worth it, he decided. Fear tingled at the back of his mind, but for some reason it was much lessened. She was kissing him, he realized, and this time it wasn't a dream. Rei was kissing him. He wanted her to stop, and at the same time he wanted to stay in this place for the rest of eternity.


Her lips pulled away, and his vision cleared. A look of open curiosity and wonder was on her face, as if she had discovered some new piece of herself she did not know existed. Dawn peeked through the window, bringing him to his senses.

"R-Rei! I- umm..." He carefully slid sideways, as mindful of her injuries as he was of her closeness. Her eyes never left his as he gently laid her down onto the futon. On his way to the bathroom he nearly broke his neck tripping over a malicious piece of corner tiling that had come loose and found its way under his stumbling feet.

As usual the water coming from the shower-head took half an age to warm up, but his thoughts were far away, back in that comfortable place where her lips had been over his. He shut his eyes and shook his head furiously as if that action alone could dislodge the clinging thought. In the end he never did turn the warm water up. By the time he had dried off, dressed, and walked back through the bedroom, Rei had fallen asleep on his futon. Of course she couldn't make it back to bed, he thought guiltily. I wasn't there to help. Trudging into the kitchen area, he set about preparing breakfast. He had almost everything heated up when an insistent knock sounded through the apartment.

Who...? His feet took him to the door, and it wasn't until he heard the click of the mechanism as he opened it that the answer came to him. Ritsuko! But she's early. No, we were just late getting up... He was still trying to work out the bad feeling that was slowly building when the doctor strode in, her eyes taking in the breakfast simmering on the stove, the general mess, and Rei. On the futon.

"Why is she on the futon, Shinji?"

"Ahmm... she fell off the bed," the words were out of his mouth before he could think of a good story. "...in her sleep," he continued. "So she slept there, since..." He shut his mouth with a click, knowing he was only digging his hole deeper. I'm sure it doesn't look good for me to have let her fall off the bed like that, especially with her injuries, he admitted to himself as Ritsuko took out her cell-phone and began summoning all manner of trouble. Oh well, he sighed. The next time he returned to the beginning, she would not remember this. Besides Rei, no one ever seemed to remember.


Rei awoke to find nurses who helped her onto a stretcher and out into a waiting ambulance. Ritsuko's questions were just becoming direct and uncomfortable when the world faded around her.

She awoke on the post-Third-Impact beach, the garish white forms of the crucified Eva Series protruding from the water like vengeful phantoms in the night. Nothing from the desolate scene intruded on her inner thoughts, however, which were playing over and over the memory of her kiss.

"Sorry about that," Shinji's voice startled her. "I forgot Ritsuko would be coming by."

She had seen the fear in his eyes, along with other emotions she could not identify. If he did not hate me for my actions before, he surely does now.

"I apologize," she spoke carefully, trying to hide the sadness in her voice, "if I was too forward."

"No!" he almost interrupted her with the quickness of his answer, and she could practically hear the blush crawl over his face. "I mean, that's... okay. I enjoyed it." It was obvious he was forcing the words out.

"You do not have to lie, Ikari." Her voice was quiet enough that she wasn't sure if he even heard it over the rolling surf a few yards away. "I know you fear me." With an effort she kept her voice from breaking. "I saw it in your face before you confirmed it with your words, and..."

"Rei." Wetness drifted around in her eyes, but she consciously stopped herself from crying. "Rei." She jumped when his hand touched her chin, gently forcing her to turn and look at him. A single tear made its way out the corner of her eye and dropped to the sand. "I did... do... fear you. What you are. What I saw..." from his haunted expression, he was reliving memories again. "But I don't want to any more." She could see the struggle on his face, and how he was pushing through the feelings that had so often made him run from her presence. "Help me," the world faded around them as he spoke.


The late afternoon sun glinted from what skyscrapers were still above-ground-level as Shinji hung up the phone and silenced the recording that was busily informing him of the obvious. She was crying. He realized his heart was still beating rapidly, which brought to mind strange questions. How much of him was brought back each time he traveled through time? Why can't Sensei teach us relevant things? Shinji wondered idly as he waited for Misato. Quantum physics, heck, even psychology would be of some help right now- His eyes were suddenly drawn to an interesting series of spider web cracks that appeared in the distant earthen rise several thousand meters away. Huh. Now that's never hap- The mountain exploded.

Through the hazy brown plume of dirt and rock, he saw the outline of the rampaging Angel. Something near its eye-level glinted three times, and three crosses of purple light blossomed a dozen blocks away. Shinji stood, transfixed by the Angel's strange actions. Wind and pressure changes whipped over him, causing his shirt to flap wildly. A flash of movement at a distant street corner caught his eye, and he looked over in time to see Misato's Alpine slide around in a perfectly-controlled drift. She caught sight of him seconds after he saw her, and the car seemed to leap through the intervening space. Shinji was just picking up his bag when the blue sports coupe began to expand along its seams and edges almost comically. What- Boiling purple light enveloped the car, the block, and him.


He jackknifed up to a sitting position on the beach, his eyes wild for a moment as the last few subjective seconds caught up with him. What made it do that? He wondered helplessly, looking around at the desolate post-Third-Impact scenery. His mind raced as the options before him narrowed. There's no way I can escape in time. What now? What- He jumped at Rei's touch on his arm, her concerned expression drawing him back to reality, or at least the current reality.

"It went crazy," he mumbled. "The Angel, I mean. It was firing its energy weapon everywhere, then it hit Misato's car, and..." Her eyes widened at the implications. "I don't know how I forgot," he spoke quickly. "It was already behaving differently at the beginning. When I faced it for the first time after Third Impact, it was digging into the entry point I came out of in the original time-line." There was a moment of silence as Rei digested this.

"The Angels, or at least this one, remember what happened in the original time-line as well," she surmised.

Even though he had come to the same conclusion intellectually, hearing it in her words shook him. It was beyond obvious that the Angels possessed intelligence, and likely sentience as well, but they had always been the enemy to him. Nebulous and vague, giant monsters that he fought at arms length in an Eva. That they might be experiencing the time-loops in the same way as he and Rei brought them too close to his own level for comfort.

"Rei, there's no way I can escape if it really wants to kill me." The truth of that statement sank in as he said it, causing him to shiver once. A corner of his mind wondered when he had started calling his fellow pilot by her first name. Probably sometime after that dream, or maybe the kiss. He looked away from her in embarrassment.

"We have no other option than to go back."

He looked down, running sand between his fingers, trying to dispute her statement, but she was right. He closed his eyes, marshaling what courage he could, then sent them back.


As he hung up the phone, he realized what he had just done. I just sent us back. I did that. With my mind. He stood, his entire body numb with the implications of what had just happened. My thoughts control things. Just like Instrumentality. He ran his hand over the rough metal of the phone booth, as if he could divine the secrets of the universe from the pseudo-random swirls put into it by the metal-stamping process used in its fabrication. This is real, he reminded himself. This is not Third Impact. His legs began to go limp as he realized he knew nothing for sure.

"Shinji, right?" He turned his head slowly at the cheery bounce of Misato's teasing voice. "You gonna make love to that thing? C'mon, we gotta go!"

"It wasn't funny the first time, and it isn't funny now," he grumbled under his breath as he slowly bent and retrieved his bag.

"What was that?" she snapped.

"Nothing," he answered, glancing innocently at her as he got in. He slammed the door, and then slammed against the back of the seat when she punched the gas, glancing over her shoulder furtively. After a few seconds, he looked back as well. A dark shadow stretched out over a few blocks half a kilometer back. An unmoving shadow.


Hurtling towards the surface and the inevitable confrontation, Shinji couldn't keep down the sudden burst of nervous energy. He had faced far worse Angels than this one, and he had beaten the one outside three times already, but he couldn't erase the image he had seen from Misato's car. He didn't even flinch when the Eva slammed to a stop and the doors cross-hatched open in front of him. Listening with half an ear so he didn't get too far ahead of Ritsuko's careful-but-tense instructions, he moved slowly out of the entry point towards the blinking dot on his map overlay. The Angel came into view, or rather he came into view of the Angel, and it was exactly where it had been half an hour ago when he had left it.

The menacing black giant stood frozen, staring off into the distance at who-knew-what as if someone had hit pause on a giant television. JSSDF VTOLs haloed the Angelic statue, circling it warily but not firing, perhaps afraid to break whatever impromptu ceasefire was now in effect. Most likely they knew how useless their weapons were against the enigmatic alien. Three funeral pyres of black smoke rose from the city behind the Angel, marking the deaths of fighter pilots before the creature had fallen silent. Drawing closer, he could see the path of destruction that led from the shore up to where it now stood, twisted shells of destroyed tanks and APCs littering the road like bread-crumbs.

"What..." What now? He almost had asked. "Kill it!" he imagined Misato's 'are you crazy' look. He reached up and drew his prog-knife, expecting any moment that the Angel would suddenly burst to life, bringing with it a world of pain before he could send it on its way to oblivion. His eyes widened when his questing probe touched the Angel's AT-field. The creature's field dissipated as if it were a soap bubble. Drawing his own field back close for protection, he shoved the hissing blade into the Angel's core. Sparks flew around his wrist near the entry wound, and the light in the creature's eyes guttered like a dying candle before disappearing.

The silence from Central Dogma was broken by a sudden babble of status queries and sensor requests as Shinji followed Ritsuko's unnecessary instructions back to the entry point.


For the first time since the resets began, subjective days ago, Shinji felt comfortable as he sat on the end of Rei's bed eating supper. Or at least the tension was mostly gone, which for him equated to comfort. The ever-present cicadas serenaded them quietly as they set aside their bowls, and a wry grin tugged at the corner of his mouth.

"That may be the last time we have miso for a while."

Rei's face took on a subtle crestfallen look that he doubted anyone else but Gendo would be able to discern. "I mean, I'll be able to get to the store, tomorrow," he hastened to add. "Now that I'm done with the Angel."

Silence filled the apartment, and fresh air from the cooling-unit battled for dominance with the hint of antiseptic tang that clung to everything in the small room. The two pilots were content with this, however, each in their own way and in their own thoughts. He had already told her about the final eerie showdown with the Angel, which she had listened to in silence, obviously as puzzled as he was. After several minutes, he reached over and collected her discarded bowl, taking it and his own to the sink for later washing. He wanted nothing more than a good long sleep. Every time he reset, he had come back to late evening, and so logically he should have been rested even in his mind, but the nightmares had made sure what sleep he had gotten was fitful at best.

"Shinji." Her tone held an undercurrent of tense fear, and his hand stopped abruptly above the light switch, as if the inanimate piece of electronics had manifested a minuscule AT-field. "I do not wish to dream." Her voice was back under control as she reiterated the words she had spoken upon awakening him the past night.

"That's..." he swallowed, wondering how to put it. "...it's not exactly something I have control of."

She blinked once at his words.

"Twice we have slept together, and I did not dream."

He honestly couldn't believe what was happening.

"Rei, what do you-" He cut off when she patted the bed beside her. The move looked so strange coming from her the he snorted before he caught himself and turned away.

"What's funny?"

"No-nothing!" He tried not to choke.

"It is something, or you would not have laughed." There was an odd sense of irritation in her voice.

"Sorry," he said, sobering up.

"No," she said matter-of-factly, "you are not. Sleep where you wish."

"No," he said quickly, "that's not what I-"

"So now you do want to sleep with me." He turned red. She held his gaze, and then turned red herself. "Why do you always blush?" she asked, irritation creeping its way into her voice again. He started to speak a couple of times, and stopped. "You do not seem to care for me," she observed. "Yet you accepted when I asked that you watch over me as I healed. Why?"

He flicked off the light, and found himself walking over and slipping under the covers. It took all of a half second to come to his senses and lie there, his heart beating painfully. Somehow he had managed not to touch her in the process of getting in the queen-size bed, and he wondered for a moment why she had one that big.

She didn't seem to be tense, and he wondered if she could feel his discomfort. Maybe she was looking at him. He edged his eyes over and saw that hers were closed, her breathing regular. She was good looking, female, and in the same bed. It was about the twentieth time his body had reminded him of that fact in two minutes.

She hadn't moved a muscle since he'd gotten in bed, but she couldn't be asleep this soon. He refused to believe that she was comfortable, that she wasn't feeling at least a little nervous. Then again, he just didn't know what she was feeling. Maybe while his own mind was in tumult, she simply didn't think anything of something like this. She probably wasn't even thinking of him at all besides his use as dream repellent.

A sense of morose replaced the nervousness, and he didn't know which was worse. He rolled over on his side, curling up to a near-fetal position, and let the emotion leach away. Behind him was a girl who, in her own way, seemed to be using him as thoroughly as Misato had used him, as Asuka had used him. He closed his eyes, and slept.


Darkness was all around, and his eyes didn't seem to work. The darkness was oppressive, and it felt like his eye lids were glued shut. Trying to think was like walking through knee deep mud. He could feel cool earth in front of him, a wall that stretched up past his reach, and curved around behind him, close on all sides.

He had never been prone to claustrophobia, or it might have been bad. He sank down to the ground, glad at least for the momentary peace. If he was stuck in a hole somewhere, his options were limited. More like zero.

"No, don't give up! Reach!" The voice was distorted, but he recognized it, even if he couldn't see a face. Looking up, he saw a patch of light against the darkness, and a figure stretching her hand downwards. He stood up, and realized the figure wasn't as far away as he had thought. But still too far to reach. He began to slump back downwards in defeat. It was pitiful to come so close only to fail.

"Don't give up!" She called down to him. He looked up, trying to think. Maybe if I jumped. He did so, but didn't seem to go anywhere. It was like his legs wouldn't work. He could feel the tips of her fingers, and it was frustrating, but that was it. His strength began to flag, and he stopped to rest. "Jump!" Maybe it was something in her voice, something not usually there. Like she truly needed him. He gathered himself, and jumped.

He was sure he had done better, but her fingertips brushed his and his heart fell. Then she suddenly grabbed his hand, and he hung there, suspended between his former prison and the future unknown. He looked up into her face, which would have been familiar except for the tears glistening in her eyes.

"You didn't give up," she said, smiling in relief. "Thank-"


"-you."

Suddenly he was quite awake, and quite aware of her arm over his chest, and the rest of her leaning against him. The back of his neck still tickled from where she had spoken. He froze for a moment, but her breathing was regular. Everything stood out in stark detail. Her body heat against his, the touch of her breath on the back of his neck, the loose grasp she had on the front of his shirt. Obviously she was asleep.

Had she been awake when she had done this, or was she hugging him in her sleep?

It didn't really matter. For the moment her carefully hidden feelings were clear to him.