Pushing up the stairs I closed the distance between me and the safety of my room as fast as possible without causing suspicion. Charlie was on the couch watching tv, somewhere I wanted him to stay. Once my door was closed I hit the ground clutching my hand to my chest. I couldn't control my breathing and I could feel myself growing close to hyperventalating. My fingers twisted into my carpet as my mouth twisted open in a silent scream. Get out of me, get out of me, GET OUT OF ME!! There was pressure building behind my rib growing beyond the space alotted in my body. I pictured my chest errupting and nothing but air pouring our. My blood was pounding in my ears deffening me to anything else. Tears were spilling down my cheeks and into my open mouth as raspy breathes bubbled out. The muscles in my back and legs were cramping in protest against the tight position they were being pulled into. I felt like I was spinning above my carpet, there was no air, no movement, no releif. I crawled towards my night stand and desperately grabbed the bottle of valuum hidding in my drawer. The hand that was still pressed against my chest pulled at my shirt and I stared at it wondering what power of control it was under now because I sure as hell didn't make it do that. Shoving the bottle between my now foreign hand and my twisted shirt I stumbled to my feet and fumbled against the wall in the hall to the bathroom. Pratically choking myself, the pill and water was down my throat before it could close off in objection. I took three deap breathes before I turned back towards my room. I made it to my bed just in time. The room spull exactly five times before I was able to sigh into a deep sleep.
The thing about having anxiety is that everything revolves around it. Anything I do is related in someway to it. Whether its not doing something because I know it will be too much for me, avoiding specific situations in order to aviod an attack, or purposefully doing something that I know will help minimize my anxiety later. Basically my enitre life is a well devised schedule to either avoid or counter act any possiblities of an anxiety attack. And, because of my anxiety, I am ok with that.
I learned early on that in order to be able to relax everything needed to be in order. Anything that needed to get done that day (shopping, cleaning, homework ect.) needed to be off my mind.
So here I am, finishing up the dishes, awaiting my much needed down time. After last night, all that happenned at the coffee shot and then my attack at home I was longing for some good old fashion quiet time. Rinshing off the last plate I gingerly placed it int he drying rack, replaced the rubber gloves over the faucet and made my way up stairs.
The sun was shinning today so I was planning on taking advantage of my empty house and in return empty back yard. Grabbing a book and my ipod I headed out the door not caring that I was barefoot. Once outside I took a deap breathe and almost immediatly I could feel the effects of nature. It was like a drug to me. I could never get enough and if I was away from it too long I started getting ansy. It was my one and only cure for my anxiety and even that didn't work all the time. But it was sure working now. I could feel the tension, I didn't even know was there, rolling off my sholders as I waked across the lawn. I watched the grass pop up between my toes as grwew closer to the tree that I had had my eye on since looking out the kitchen window two days ago. I had only been here four days and this was my first time in the yard. A small smile found its way to my lips as I decided I like the feel of the grass on my feet much better then the sand from the dessert back home. The forest that very nearly threatened to consume Charlie's backyard provided a relieving amount of privacy that I never felt in Phoenix. Although I could do with a lot less rain, I was in love with all the trees.
Looking up at the first branch that just reached the top of my head I began to hesitate. I wasn't the most graceful creature to walk the earth that was for sure, but for some reason when it came to things where my feet didn't touch the ground I surpased even the most stable ground walker. A couple of years ago I was at a lake with some friends. An attempt to conquor the endless summer heat. There was a long dock with eight row boats tied along it in a row. What possessed me to try and jump from boat to boat instead of using the dock I couldn't tell you but my friends said I had looked like I could walk on water. Yet as soon as I stepped foot onto the solid dock I tripped and landed in the water.
Throwing cation to the wind I grabbed hold of the branch and jumped. My legs swung up and I caught the top part of the branch with the heel of my left foot. I bent my knee to try and pull myself closer to my goal thanking god I hadn't put sneakers on. I would never have been able to bend my foot the way that was necessary to kep contact with the tree. Once my body was touching the under part of the branch I hooked my left foot around the branch giving me a solid grip to pull my torso around in order to be sitting on the top side of the branch. I sat in the tree stradling the branch facing the forest and brushed my hands off with a satisfied smile. The act took less then a minute and to any by stander probably looked like I had been climbing trees my whole life.
I laid my body parallel with the branch, propped my feet up agaisnt the trunck, pulled the book I had grabbed out of my pocket and set out to doing some damage to 'The Virgin Suicides'. I probably shouldn't be reading something that was sure to awaken my old demons but I couldn't help it. I was eternially attracted matters of a darkened heart. A gust of wind picked up blowing my hair around my face. I stretched out my arms enjoying the breeze and the feeling of the air running across my body. Bliss. An overwelming sense of calm and bliss rose withing my viens pushing against my skin raising goosebump. Without realizing I dropped my book to the side, swept up in an absorption of peace. My breathing evened out and before I knew it I was asleep.
