Title- Love and
Understanding
Author- Maevenly
Part- 2/2
Date-
09/21/06
Rating - Part One: PG13
Pairings/Characters -
Lee/Kara, Helo, Honourable Mention: Cmdr Adama, Zak
Word Count-
5647
Category- Short Story
Genre- Romance, Angst, Drama and
Humour.
Archiving- Fan Fiction. Net, The Fallout Shelter,
Apollo/Starbuck Fan Fic, all other's
please ask
Warnings-
language, for now
Spoilers- After The Farm, but before
Pegasus
Disclaimers- I don't own these characters and I don't make any money from writing these stories
Summary- Starbuck is in fine form, Kara is hurting and Lee decides to find out why, with a little help from Apollo and Helo.
Love and Understanding: Part Two
"Where are we going?"
She was confused. Something Lee could understand. In StarbuckLand, she was still on that table, telling stories, in Central Mess. Not hanging upside down and draped over her friend's shoulder with her head bouncing lightly between his shoulder blades.
"Somewhere safe," Lee reassured her.
"There is no where safe, Lee." It was Kara's – not Starbuck's – voice that was muffled by speaking into his shirt.
"You let me worry about that, okay?"
A resounding laugh echoed off the walls of the corridor. Starbuck was back.
"A-Poll-O…" Her tone was sing-songy.
"Yes, Star-Buck-EE…" Lee played along. He needed Starbuck if they were going to get to where he was taking them. And the only way he was going to get them there, he was going to have treat his plan like a mission; change is mode of thinking to achieving objectives.
"You had better not be taking me to the brig." Starbuck's syrupy sweet voice was more potent then most of her tirades.
"Starbuck – would I ever do that to you?"
BSG Xxx BSG Xxx BSG Xxx BSG
Objective: Look both ways to make sure we were not followed.
"Apollo – did you know that you put on two different coloured socks?"
"Really Starbuck? I had no idea until now." Lee feigned surprise. Her grip on the backside of his pants slackened after her discovery. Feeling his pant legs fall back into place, he verified his location – they were almost there. Which meant this most the dangerous part of his mission. If anything was going to go wrong – it would be now.
He had to keep her occupied to minimize the odds of getting caught. The Gods knew that Starbuck could get into trouble on a rogue comet with nothing around her but ice and dust; being on a Battlestar teeming with more than two thousand personnel meant it was open season and their hides were the bounty.
"Remember that time in the Academy when you pretended to be passed out in order to get past the MP's?"
"Yeah – that was great, wasn't it? You were so smooth. I did not know you had it in you to pull a stunt like that."
"I need you to do that again for me – okay? And, do me a favour. Stop smacking my ass every time you take a breath, will ya?"
"I thought you might like to be spanked." Drunken snort-laughs puffed against his back. And then she stilled. And then giggled some more. "I know I do!"
"Gods, Kara – you're going to kill me." The mental image she invoked was almost enough to make his break his stride. Changing the subject to the mission at hand, "I mean it Starbuck – you gotta pipe down or you are going to get us both busted."
"I'll be very, very quiet. He'll never know I'm here." Her exaggerated whisper was almost as loud as her regular voice – except her regular voice did not break into giggles at every third word. Apollo did not even want to know who 'he' was that she was referring to.
Lee shook his head. As if anyone could miss Starbuck slung over his shoulder.
Almost there…
Check: objective accomplished.
Xxx BSG Xxx BSG Xxx BSG Xxx
Objective: Get keys.
"Corporal – do you have a minute?" Lee hailed the Officer on Duty and prayed Starbuck would play her part like she promised.
"Sure Captain, what do you need?"
Lee saw the older man roam his eyes over the rump that was attached to his shoulder – like the Officer could identify his passenger by the shape of their ass. He figured he had three different ways to plat this: Apollo looking out for his wing-mate, Lee looking out for his friend or the C.A.G. who needed to keep his ace pilot out of hack.
"The lieutenant here has been into The Sauce and with the stunt she pulled last week…" Captain Adama let his voice trail off. "But with the rotation schedule the way it is…"
"You wanna hide her from the XO?"
"Need to is more like it - and anyone else who happens to come along. You know how it is. If you are the boss, and someone 'calls in sick', and there is no one else to work…" Lee played the overworked-underpaid empathy card to its fullest without going over the top. He needed the other man to look the other way, not spread the word that the C.A.G. was in over his head.
"I hear that. Last week, I got stuck with two extra shifts, back-to-back, because some kid thought he could squat-press twice his body weight and not end up in sickbay with a hernia."
"Think you can help me out – officer to officer?"
Lee curtailed his need to wince when the corporal walked behind him and stopped in front of Starbuck. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the older man reach for her chin and look at exactly whom he was being asked to protect. He sent a prayer to every Lord of Kobol that Starbuck was finding this funny enough to keep her mouth shut and eyes closed.
Coming back around, the Officer of the Day snapped his heels together and saluted Lee sharply.
"This little lady is the reason why this ship is still flying. Captain – we have an understanding."
Check: objective accomplished.
BSG Xxx BSG Xxx BSG Xxx BSG
Objective: Secure the room.
"Take all the time you need." The corporal told Lee.
"Are you sure?" Lee was getting good at this – getting what he needed without the other man finding out. Starbuck's M.O. must be rubbing off on him more than he thought.
"No problem. I'll re-route everyone to D Deck and say that this section is being scoured due to an infestation of head-lice." The corporal puffed out his chest at thinking up such an excellent reason to re-direct anyone from this area of the deck.
Check: objective accomplished.
Xxx BSG Xxx BSG Xxx BSG Xxx
Objective: Dog the hatch.
"Apollo – where are we?"
"We are just about there." He could not resist having a little bit of fun with her.
"Apollo – what are you doing?"
"I'm getting us there before we get here."
Lee could feel her shake her head against his waist as she laughed.
"You are such a goof when I am drunk."
Check: objective accomplished.
BSG Xxx BSG Xxx BSG Xxx BSG
Objective: Get Starbuck off my back before she tears out my spine.
"Frak you, Apollo – you are SO in the frakking frak-house!" Starbuck was pummelling the traitor's back.
"Knock it off Starbuck. If you get hurt, you will only have yourself to blame." Lee was struggling to get her down and on her feet without her hitting the floor.
Unable to catch her arms, he swung her around and stabilized her with a hand between her shoulder blades as she found her footing.
"You frakking PROMISED ME!" She hissed at him, spacing out her feet and shifting her balance as her boots came down on solid ground.
"No – I was humouring someone who stole some of the chief's Extra Special Brew and nearly polished off the entire bottle all by her lonesome."
Check: objective accomplished.
Xxx BSG Xxx BSG Xxx BSG Xxx
Objective: Lock the door behind me so that neither one of us can get out.
It was a scramble to see who got to the door first. She had every intention of jarring the door open and making an escape. He needed to keep it shut if he was ever going to find out why Kara unleashed Starbuck to her fullest capacity.
Thank goodness she taught him how to fight dirty so well.
Check: objective accomplished.
BSG Xxx BSG Xxx BSG Xxx BSG
Mission: Face the Hellcat and take everything she is going to dish out. Seize the first opportunity to draw Kara out from underneath the safety net that is Starbuck.
"You've locked us in the frakking BRIG, Adama!"
Lee crossed his arms and for the second time in an hour settled his shoulders against a cold metal wall. At least this time he had a view. An irate Starbuck was a force of nature and as such, she was as beautiful and equally terrible to behold. One hundred percent fury, one hundred percent skill and one hundred percent committed – that was Starbuck, Lieutenant Thrace and Kara as individuals and as a collective whole. Three hundred percent of anything was a staggering amount. As it pertained to her? It was a hell of a package. Sure he heard the comments about how seeing Starbuck in a full blown temper led to longer showers for both some of the male and assorted female members of the crew. But none of them had delusions of anything more than what they could conjure in their own imaginations.
He had stood toe to toe with Starbuck and walked away a better officer. He had his skills as an op-planner challenged by Lt. Thrace and come out of the experience a better tactician. He had even gotten an apology from Kara but, in the aftermath, ended up feeling more childish for reacting the way he did then justifiably indignant when he held her accountable for her perceived sin.
But those were the public moments that had witnesses to spread the tales of how Lt. Thrace said that his plan sucked, of how Starbuck told Apollo to stop being everyone's friend and how bunk-mates would whisper about how Kara would get lost in thought looking at a battered picture attached to the mirror in her locker. Out of all these people, how many men actually got to see how soft Kara's eyes were when she was lost in thought when she believed no one was looking or the smile that transformed a pretty girl to an ethereal goddess? She was danger and duty and womanhood packaged with determination, personal power and a crippling vulnerability that could break the heart or heal a soul. He knew of only one other man who knew what he did – and that man was dead.
"Really?" Lee made an effort to look around at the walls, bars and the spartan décor. "You know what? I think that there has been a fresh coat of paint applied since I was here last."
"Just another shade of grey, Apollo," Starbuck rolled her eyes and planted her hand on her hips as she started to pace. It was not lost on him that she was talking about more than just the colours of the walls.
Lee made sure he kept his expression neutral and his gaze on Starbuck. She could –and would – do almost anything at any moment.
Like charge up to him and not stopping until she was virtually underneath his chin and screaming in his face.
"Let me out – right frakking NOW!"
Looking down at her, her eyes ablaze, her cheeks flushed with colour and her stance feral, his response was simple.
"No."
Spinning away, she fell back to a far corner of the prison cell and roared at the back wall.
More pacing, more back and forth marching as she swore under her breath and promised retribution he was only too glad he could not easily hear.
"Lee – don't make me do this." Slightly calmer, a little spent; she looked at him as if he were asking her to never fly again.
"Do what, Kara?" He saw the cracks in her Starbuck persona that started in the Mess Hall begin to deepen. He just needed a little more time and then he could start to help her – she just had to help herself first by telling him what was going on with her.
"I can't do this." She held up a hand and waved it in defeat, like she knew that whatever it was, it was beyond her ability to cope, "Not here, not now and most definitely not with you."
"Why not, Kara?"
It was a fight not to end this now. To leave and not force this situation any further – the pain in her face was spreading to the rest of her body. She had given him his father back. She had given him her loyalty, trust and taught him what it meant to live. In a way, she had even given him Zak back. But it had cost her. That much he could tell.
"Because you are you and I am me – don't you get it?" Any lingering traces of her being affected by the chief's brew were gone as she fully sobered.
The way she looked at him made it seem as if the answer was written in bold letters on floor in front of them.
"Do you know what I did yesterday and last night?"
"Yes. For the most part, you spent the day working on getting Vipers flight-worthy. You flew a last minute refuelling run to the Aerilon Maiden, came back, hit the showers and then joined me, Helo, Tyrol and Cally for a game of Triad before hitting your rack." Lee made sure his voice was even as he re-counted what he knew what Kara did last night. "Then this morning, you disappeared."
"If you know then why are you still talking to me?" Panic and pain tinged with disbelief filled out her question. Her eyes danced around his face, looking for some clue as to why he would even have her within twenty feet him.
Making sure she got nothing from him, not a rise, not an answer to her question, not one word was when she exploded and launched herself at him.
Getting two fistfuls of his uniform, she demanded to know the last thing he ever thought he would ever hear from her mouth.
"THEN WHY AREN'T YOU HATING ME!"
The meaning of the phrase 'rolling the hard six' suddenly became crystal clear as a pair of green eyes shimmered brightly with barely leashed tears.
"Kara – you hate yourself enough for the both of us."
That sentence had her releasing her grip on his clothing but his next words had him wrapping his hands around her upper arms and giving her an unhampered view of was at the apex of where his soul met his heart met his mind.
"And because I can't."
Her wrists came up and a violent twisting motion had her free of his embrace and retreating to the far corner of the cell. Turning around and zeroing in her gaze on him, Kara's cheeks were dry but her arms were clutched tightly around her waist.
"Do you know why I was not scheduled for anything yesterday, my classes were cancelled and why I am not on the flight roster today?"
The fact that her question was rhetorical was not lost by him.
"Because the Old Man told the XO to make sure I wasn't, that's why." Her expression was a sneer but it was directed inward, at herself.
"Because YOUR FATHER figures that I am supposed to be nursing a huge, frakking hangover right now and that I should be unfit to fly because of it. That he knows how frakking frakked up I am and gives me a wide berth all day with the understanding that we are supposed to get together at the end of the day for awhile before I go and crawl back into my bottle. But no – I go and FRAK IT ALL UP!"
He could not say anything – this next step had to be hers. But he could not keep the muscles in his jaw from clenching releasing as the powerful emotions rolling off Kara hit him full force.
"I never got trashed yesterday. I never met with your father last night. I did my job. I played frakking Triad – with you sitting next to me – the best reminder of them all as to what I was supposed to be doing and do you know what I did instead? I won three hands and lost two. That's what I did. And I had a good time doing it. Wanna know what I did twelve hours before that? I frakking talked to Zak, while I was working on those Vipers. I talked to him. Not screaming at him for leaving me behind. Not at leaving scars that run up one side of you and your father and down the other. Not for reliving the sounds, smells and the blazing fireball that claimed his life. No Kara Thrace Pity Party for me. No – I am too much of a frak-wit to even do that."
He wanted to reach out to her, but he had no clue where to start. Of course he knew it was the anniversary of Zak's death, but he never knew it hit her so hard. Pieces were falling into place, but he needed her to go a little bit further and stopping her now would be a mistake. But she was on a roll, and barely took a breath before she started to cut herself up again.
"No. No it was not until I was in my rack, looking back over the day, when it dawned on me why I was talking to Zak so much: telling him that I was glad that he is in a better place, telling him about the picture that sits on your father's desk of the three Adamas standing on a tarmac, telling him that I think that you and your father have established mutual trust and respect and the beginnings of a father-son relationship and that it won't be long before that fully blooms as well."
She was close to breaking. Lt. Kara 'Starbuck' Thrace was as close as she had ever come in twenty-six years of being alive to fracturing.
There was just one more thing he needed to know to put everything together. And she just gave it to him as he watched her crumble in a heap on the floor and bury her face in her hands as dry, wracking, sobs shook her from head to heel.
He was by her side and cradled her in his arms before she could curl herself into a ball. A flash of fury made him want to scroll back time, to before the Holocaust, to seek justice against the persons in her past who hurt the woman in his arms so badly that she believed she was not worthy of being loved for who and what she was, not what she could bring and represent.
He was snapped out of his reverie by her struggling to get up, to slip back into Starbuck-mode and pretend that everything that was said in the cell never occurred. He let her get as far as sitting up and sitting cross legged before he scooted closer and reached out his hand and stopped her from going any further.
Now, it was his turn.
"Kara. Look at me."
Running the backsides of his fingers down along her temple, he trailed a feather-light caress along her cheekbone before swivelling his wrist and stopping when his thumb came to rest along the length of her jaw line. Exerting the slightest pressure tilted her face so he could look at her eyes and banish the fear that had no right to claim residency in those beautiful green irises.
"Kara. My father – your father – loves you for the daughter he always wished he had and found in you. Not for the son you tried to replace. Nor for being a widow he saw as his responsibility to take care of and protect. He loves you for all of you that you are. He is not an easy man, and he did not raise easy sons. You are not an easy woman, Kara Thrace, but by the Gods you are as much his daughter as me and Zak are, and were, his sons. He earned the right to hand pick every member of this crew and it was a privilege he exercised to the fullest. You are here because you belong here. He is not going to cast you aside and out of his heart because you are healing. If anything, he is going to be so proud of you and love you even more now that he can see that the level of pain you have been carrying is diminishing. No parent, friend, or lover has it in them to see their child, friend or heart-mate in pain without feeling it themselves."
He could feel the beginnings of his own chin tremors as he watched large, emotion filled tears well up, over flow and succumb to gravity.
"How. Can. You. Say. That. To. Me?" Every word was a struggle for her to get out and was separated by ragged, fortifying breaths. "I killed him, Lee. I killed-"
Lee stopped her in mid-sentence.
"Yes. You did, Kara."
He watched as her eyes glazed over as she began to relive her decision to pass Zak despite him failing his check ride. Then he stopped her again.
"But so did I, Kara. And so did Dad. And, Lords this is hard to say, but so did Zak. All four of us are responsible for him not being here today."
Before she could protest and take all the blame back on herself, he shared what he had only come to terms with recently himself.
"Kara. As much as we are guilty, we are also vindicated. It is a paradox: Zak, needed to prove something to himself by enrolling in Basic Flight and not bailing out when he knew it was not for him, Dad, instilling the need for his sons to be Viper pilots and not recognizing that his sons may have different aspirations or aptitudes outside the cockpit, me, for not loving Zak enough to make him stop and really look at his motivations for being a Viper pilot but also feeling a sense of pride in my little brother going where I already went, and you for loving Zak so much and seeing the pressures that existed between all three of us that you took it upon yourself to deliberately pass a failing student."
Taking a deep breath, he formed the words he had rehearsed a hundred times in his head.
"Kara – I cannot ask you to forgive me or our father until you forgive yourself."
"Help me, Lee. Help me do this. I don't know how to do this."
He had to blink several times to keep his own tears at bay as her whisper tore words from her heart and soul that had never been spoken out loud in this kind of context.
"It's scary but doable, Kara."
He let her see a flash of what it felt like for him to forgive himself in the wake of his epiphany. It felt like Zak had died all over again, that every harsh word he had ever spoken to his father in private and to the Old Man's face echoed scathingly in his ear and the image of the cemetery attendants filling in the grave and patting squares of turf back into place coalesced into one blinding, mind-numbing, heart stopping burst of pain. But then, the peace that came in the aftermath was inexplicable. It was astounding the effect of shedding one sin out of many can weigh on a psyche.
He was spellbound as he watched the one emotion after another flow across her face and through her body. Shock at what he was offering her, denial in her ability to actually do it, anger at being cornered into making a decision. But something was preventing her from taking that last step.
"Forgiving yourself for Zak does not mean that you stop atoning for your sins, Kara."
That's what did it. That was what broke through her final barriers. That's what touched her inner-sanctum of pain and destroyed it, leaving not even a splinter to prick her heart on and make it bleed. A scar was in its place. Fresh and pink and barely closed and that is what he saw when she launched herself into his arms once more – but not out of self-loathing, but out of the need to touch another human being, to make contact with someone she knew loved her, because he had the ability to love himself to a certain extent and teach her how to do the same.
The tears that dampened his shirt he would cherish. They were shed for him, his father, his brother and, most importantly, for herself and it was her gift to him, whether she knew it or not, of how she trusted him with more than her life. She entrusted her soul and heart into his safe keeping. But nothing comes for free. She could only entrust what he had offered in willing exchange.
He found himself crying as well. Because it dawned on him that Apollo and Starbuck were joined in the sky, Captain Adama and Lieutenant Thrace were connected by honour and duty, while he and Kara were fused together by love. Souls, minds and hearts irrevocably interconnected between all three of their different personas.
This time, when she pulled back, it was not in retreat, but to look at his face. He was transfixed as she lifted a trembling hand and moulded it to first one side of his head and then the other while she used her thumb to wipe away his tears.
A weak smile and a half-hearted Starbuck smirk had him chuckling despite the amazing moment that was ebbing and flowing around them.
"Guess I should change your call sign to Puddles, huh Captain?"
"Do that, and not only will I bust you down to Ensign but I will make sure you scrub every ship in this fleet from the outside-in all the way to Earth."
His promise carried as much weight as her threat.
Leaning into the hand he pressed against her face, she was not done asking questions.
"Where do we go from here?"
For them, a certain kind of honesty always existed and now was not time to change that.
"I have no idea, Kara."
"You know what Lee? I think we don't have too."
He was caught up in the smoothness of her cheek against his palm that he almost missed a quiet hiss of discomfort when he brushed against the right side of her jaw.
Dropping his hand, he stood up and did not offer to help her up. He knew better. He would not love her the way he did if she were any other way.
Brushing off her backside, she ran her own hand against the slope of her jaw.
"Helo really punched me?"
"Yep – he really knocked you out. One punch and you were out like a light."
"In front of how many people, Lee?" Starbuck asked.
Fitting the key into the lock and swinging the door wide, he let her walk out first but only because he could only pull the keys out once he had relocked the door to the cell.
"Now Starbuck, don't go there. He only did it because he likes you." Apollo warned.
Unlocking the hatch and pushing against the handle, they both stepped out into the corridor.
"And you let him?" An accusing finger was pointed right at his chest as they walked side-by-side down the corridor.
"Well… Yes and no. I did not know what he was going to do. But I can tell you that if he didn't, I was going to."
"Thanks, Apollo – that makes me feel a WHOLE lot better."
Starbuck shot him a look that was entirely unreadable.
"Now – remember Starbuck…. It was for your own good…"
Xxx BSG Xxx BSG Xxx BSG Xxx
One week later…
A report had come down from Tactical that The Rising Star was having difficulty maintaining gravity support capabilities and that a Raptor crew should be assigned to transport parts and technical personnel to fix the problem.
Walking across the deck with Helo, Lee saw Kara hard at work pulling apart a panel on her Viper. With the amount of personal modifications she had made to her bird, Lee was itching to see what he – Starbuck's Viper was always a 'he' – could do. As it was, she was so engrossed in what she was doing to see him staring at her.
Touching base with Tyrol and handing off the pre-flight checklist to Cally, Lee hooked his fingers onto his helmet and gave her one more look before boarding the Raptor. If all went well, he would be back from the Rising Star within the hour. This would give him plenty of time to come up with something worthy of her being distracted from her precious Viper.
Chuckling at the thought, he settled into the pilot's seat, with Helo right behind him as E.C.O., secured his helmet and launched.
BSG Xxx BSG Xxx BSG Xxx BSG
"When I get my hands on her…"
"Excuse me Sir, but with all due respect I think I get first dibs on the Lieutenant." Helo countered as he rubbed his neck against the stiff collar of his flight suit.
"Listen, Lieutenant – we would not even be in this mess if it weren't for you." Lee challenged the larger man walking and talking beside them as he ran his hands through his hair.
"We are off duty, Apollo so don't go pulling rank." Helo shot his friend a look that would have sent anyone else other than Starbuck running for cover as he scraped his fingernails along the hairline directly behind his ears.
"Okay – fine. Whatever. I say we get what we need – as quietly as possible – and then go get her. I think that the depth of the water reservoirs needs to be checked, don't you?" Apollo asked as he resettled his hair, root to tip, one more time.
Running both his hands over every area of his face and head, Helo whole-heartedly agreed.
"That's an affirmative – measured from the inside out without the benefit of an air tank or respirator."
"How do you think she did it?" Helo asked, wanting to bang his head against a wall for two reasons. One of which was for thinking Starbuck would let bygones be bygones.
Entering Sickbay, Apollo scanned for a likely subject. Someone who could get them what they needed without alerting Doc Cottle.
Summoning up every essence of charm he possessed and cramming his hands deep within the pockets of his flight suit to keep temptation at bay, Apollo was seconds away from approaching one of the newer duty nurses when a firm hand latched onto his shoulder and the smell of cigarettes wafted up his nose.
"Captain Adama, Lieutenant Agathon – for some reason I am not surprised to see you this afternoon. Step into my office, won't you?"
The gravely voice of the physician with the least attractive bedside manner in the entire fleet kept one hand on each of their shoulders and steered them into an awaiting area.
"Now, let's see here." Making a show of not picking up a pen or creating a chart, Doc Cottle lit a cigarette and blew out a long stream of smoke before looking at the two men about to crawl out of their skins.
"A certain green-eyed imp, standing about yea tall," Cottle raised his hand to a height of sixty-seven inches and fought to keep a straight face, "Told me that you two might be in to see me today. At first, I was convinced that you were making a social call, that you missed my sparkling personality. But then, this same imp – you know, she really is a wealth of information – reminded me of the bio-hazard team I had to dispatch to C Deck last week on a fool's errand."
Lee knew his expression had to be as confused as Helo's. But it was nothing compared with what Doc Cottle said next.
"Ah – screw it. Thrace and I worked out a whole script to torture you with but I am too old for these kinds of games." Cottle snuffed out his cigarette and drew himself up to his full height.
"Adama, Agathon. You both are grounded until you get an all clear from me. You cannot have one hand on the throttle and one hand scratching the hell out of your scalps at the same time. Also – to add further insult to injury, Thrace and I decided – as she will be acting C.A.G. until your flight status is re-instated," Cottle looked at Lee specifically, "that out of consideration for your fellow pilots and the well being of the general population of the ship, that you both should willingly assign yourselves to the brig until such a time that I am completely satisfied that you are completely lice-free."
"Think about it, Lieutenant." Looking at Agathon, Cottle gave him a disparaging eye-roll. "What do you think she did? She spiked your helmets with critters."
Pulling another cigarette out of his pack, Cottle peered at both of the men standing in front of him, barked out one order and walked away, grumbling over how one did not even have to be able to think to become a Colonial officer.
"Permission to scratch!"
