Roxas wondered if he should count his blessings. This morning, Axel emptied Saïx's medicine bottle and filled it with white Tic-Tacs. But Saïx had taken the false medicine at lunch, and seemingly failed to notice the difference.
Roxas stood before Saïx's bedroom door and knocked. No answer. Not too late to leave…maybe asking him for advice is a mistake…
The door opened, and Saïx peered out.
Rats! Roxas steadied his voice. "Sir?"
"Roxas?" Saïx looked a little surprised. "Are you looking for someone?"
"No. I'd…" Roxas steeled himself. "Like to hear your opinion on something."
"Come in."
Roxas came in. It was the first time he'd seen the interior of Saïx's bedroom. The walls were pristine white. French doors opened to a small balcony overlooking the heart-shaped moon – Kingdom Hearts. A small shrine to a moon goddess was in a corner, complete with candles and small ornaments.
"What did you want to ask?" Saïx asked.
"Um, this is going to sound strange, but I'm having…adolescence problems."
"I think our doctor is the one to ask."
"No, no, not that kind. There's a girl that I really want to impress, but how can I do that?"
"You don't mean Larxene, do you?"
Roxas paled. "No! Of course not!"
"Just making sure. Go on."
"I want to get her attention. I sent her some flowers, but she's extremely allergic."
"When you send a girl flowers, you're offering your heart to her. Same as if you told her you loved her. But you have no heart to proffer. How do you suppose you can compensate for that?"
"I don't know."
"Here's what you do. Go to another world and find the purest, most innocent child you can. Then follow it home. Wait until nightfall. When it goes to bed, slip into its bedroom, and carve out its heart. Then you offer the heart to your love interest as a sacrifice."
Roxas' jaw practically hit the floor. "What!" For the first time, he noticed the brown stains that spotted the white walls. Could be coffee, could be blood…
"Of course, if you feel uncomfortable with that, you could always kill a member of the Corporation. The Keyblade should make it easy enough."
Roxas folded his arms. "I am not approaching the Corporation! They're cold, they're evil, and their eyes are just…empty. And glowing. It's like Nietzsche: stare into the abyss, and the abyss stares back at you."
"Well, of course they're evil, Roxas. What do you expect? They're lawyers."
"Um, sir? If I bring a heart to this girl, she'll think I'm crazy. A psycho."
Then Saïx said something truly shocking: "Surprising. My ex girlfriend was always flattered when I gave her children's hearts as presents."
Roxas was in disbelief. "You had a girlfriend?"
"Yes."
"Is it any wonder she dumped you?" Roxas clamped his hands over his mouth, but it was too late. He could practically see Saïx's face darken.
"She did not 'dump' me," Saïx said, irritation inherent in his voice. "She and I were separated when our world fell into darkness."
"But the worlds are back, so why can't you…"
"Do you think I have so little respect for her that I would approach her in my incomplete state?" Saïx snapped. "How dare you!"
Roxas dropped to his knees. "I'm sorry! It just slipped out. I'll do anything! Just don't hurt me!"
"Stop begging. It doesn't suit one of the Organization. I'm not going to hurt you. However, if you tell anyone about my love life…"
"It's safe with me! I won't tell anyone! I promise!" Roxas wiped the sweat from his brow.
Saïx suddenly clutched his forehead.
"Uh, sir?" Roxas asked. "Are you okay?"
"Just a headache. Leave me alone."
Roxas was only too happy to oblige, and left quickly. That was scary, but hey. If Saïx could find someone, there's hope for me yet! He picked up his pace while going through the castle corridors. He found himself in front of Demyx's bedroom.
No missions for today, a no-show at breakfast and lunch, and no one screaming or cursing about shamisen music. Demyx is here. Asleep. Roxas knocked on the door. "Hello?" He knocked louder. "Hello?" Louder still. "Demyx? Are you in here?" Frustrated, he tested the knob. It turned. The door was unlocked. Roxas slipped in, tiptoed across the carpeted floor, and yanked the blankets from the bed.
Surprisingly, Demyx was awake. There were bags under his eyes, and his sandy mullet was in disarray.
Roxas snickered. "Bed head!"
Demyx sat up. "You're one to talk."
"You don't look so good. Didn't sleep well?"
"I was too nervous to sleep last night. And then when I finally fell asleep, I had these scary dreams about Saïx chasing me. How can we still have nightmares if we don't have feelings?"
Roxas shrugged. "Another Nobody paradox?"
Demyx got out of bed, smoothed his plaid pajamas, and walked to a miniature refrigerator. "Want a soda?"
"Sure."
Demyx tossed a soda can to Roxas. "What brings you to my humble abode?"
Roxas popped the tab on his soda and took a swig. "Girl questions."
"Really?"
"Did you have a girlfriend?"
"Not really, but my older brother Ansley had a serious girlfriend. Then I think she died and he stopped dating completely. But I know the one gift women can't resist."
"And that is?"
"The gift of music. When you spot a potential love connection, you find out where she lives. Wait until she goes to bed. Then stand below her bedroom window, and sing a beautiful love song."
"That actually makes sense."
"Now, if you don't mind…" Demyx climbed back into bed and burrowed into his mess of blankets.
Roxas nodded. "Sweet dreams, Demyx."
"I wish," he mumbled, head hitting the pillow. Within seconds, he was snoring.
Roxas tiptoed out and shut the door quietly. He strolled down to the library, and found Vexen and Xaldin playing chess. "Who's winning?"
"I am," Vexen said. "So how are you this afternoon?"
Roxas glanced at the window. Outside, the sky was black. "Are we the only place where the sky is dark at 1 PM?"
"I'm pretty sure we are," Xaldin said. "Really messes up your internal clock at first."
"Yup," Vexen said. "No hearts, but we've still got hormones."
"Speaking of hormones," Roxas said. "I'm pursuing a girl who doesn't even know I exist. Well, I'm not supposed to exist, but you know what I mean. Do you have any ideas as to how to get her attention?"
"Make sure she's worth your while first," Xaldin answered. "Can she carry a conversation? A girl who prattles on endlessly about needless matters is a waste of time."
"She's kind of reserved, but she knows a lot about different things," Roxas said.
"Is she smart?" Vexen asked.
"She's got a high IQ. She's a college professor of military science at Radiant Garden University at the age of eighteen. Isn't that your alma mater? Both of you?"
"Best school in all the worlds," Vexen said proudly.
"Only the finest minds allowed." Xaldin said firmly.
Roxas nodded. "And she's gorgeous, like a supermodel. These beautiful blue eyes. And this really silky-looking hair."
"Does she dress well?" Vexen asked. "Girls who wear trampy outfits are a must to avoid."
"She barely shows any skin. Skirt, sweater, long sleeved blouse, stockings."
"Is she a popular professor? She needs to have good communication skills," Xaldin added.
"She has her own fan club."
If Xaldin and Vexen didn't look impressed by Quistis' credentials a minute ago, they were now.
"Pinch this girl to make certain she's real," Xaldin said.
"Is her mother single by any chance?" Vexen asked. "Or does she have an aunt?"
Roxas shrugged. "I don't know. So what do I do?"
"Don't wait around, that's for sure," said Xaldin. "How about writing her a poem?"
"You would suggest that, you humanities major," Vexen sneered.
"Then what do you say, lab rat?" Xaldin asked.
"There's a perfume that contains the right blend of pheromones to attract any woman within smelling distance. It's called Aphrodisiac. Find that, and I guarantee the girl will be attracted to you," Vexen said. "They sell it in Radiant Garden's perfume store. Scents and Sensibility."
"That doesn't seem right," Xaldin said. "Roxas should attract her of his own merits."
"Pfft." Vexen retorted. "She's probably got a long line of hopeful suitors. He needs a big advantage."
"If he writes a poem that she likes, he will have a big advantage."
"Why can't I try one technique, and if one doesn't work, I'll try the other?" Roxas suggested. "Except I can't write poetry."
"I can help you write one," Xaldin said. "If you just do me a favor."
Roxas smiled. "Name it."
"Run to Radiant Garden and buy me a fresh supply of my favorite cologne."
"Sure. What brand do you use?"
"It's called Toxin, and buy all they have." Xaldin tossed him a money pouch. "I was going to go myself, but if you're heading in that direction."
"Weird to hear you guys call it Radiant Garden. It's called Hollow Bastion now."
"Strange," Xaldin commented. "Why do they call it that?
"Perhaps it has something to do with the fact it became a ghost town due to our unauthorized and unethical experiments?" Vexen suggested.
Xaldin shrugged. "Eh. Maybe."
XXX
Roxas walked out of Scents and Sensibility, and waited until two Samurai Nobodies pushed a cart laden with four cases of Toxin cologne into a darkness portal. When they were gone, he looked at the red heart-shaped bottle of Aphrodisiac. "Handsome or hunchback, guaranteed to bring women to you."Roxas opened the bottle and squirted a bit on his wrist. The scent was sweet, not quite as strong as Xaldin's Toxin. Maybe I should use a bit more. He squirted some more on his skin. Hmm…what the heck? He poured the entire contents of the bottle over his head. Now to walk by Quistis. I have to get within a mile of her, and she'll smell me.
By sheer luck, Quistis came out of the neighboring store.
Roxas walked by her.
Quistis sneezed into her handkerchief once again, and then continued down the street.
Great. Her nose is still stuffed. She can't smell a thing. Roxas folded his arms. Now what?
"Hey, gorgeous!" A girl, dressed in stereotypical black ninja garb, came forward. She stood next to Roxas. "Hey, you!"
Roxas looked at her quizzically. "Are you talking to me?"
The girl put her hands on her hips. "Who are you? Robert DeNiro? Of course I'm talking to you!"
"Do I know you?" Roxas asked.
The girl came closer. "I know I love you…"
"I think you have me confused with someone else," Roxas replied.
"Don't ignore me, you blond jerk!" The girl screeched, pulling a shuriken out of seemingly nowhere. "Nobody dumps the Great Ninja Yuffie!"
Yuffie was suddenly bopped from behind by a weighted staff. Another girl, this one with brown hair in a braid came toward Roxas. The new girl wore a pink dress. She clutched a bouquet of roses in her left hand, and her rod in her right.
Roxas staggered back as three ducklings – April, May, and June -- came forward.
"I wuv you, kupo!" squeaked a female moogle.
"Stay back, all of you!" Roxas readied his Keyblades. He turned to run…
And smacked into the biggest and most cushiony cleavage he had ever felt. "Mmph!" A rather buxom girl was holding him in an embrace, and it was too close for comfort. Ordinarily, Roxas would have the situation amusing, even enjoyable, but today he was getting freaked out. He managed to disentangle himself from the Busty Girl and knock her away. He kicked May aside and struck April and June with the Oathkeeper and Oblivion. "Leave me alone!"
"Playing hard to get, aren't you, cutie?" Something all in black cooed. Upon closer inspection, it was a little fairy girl. Roxas swatted her away.
"My treasure!" Another fairy girl cried, clutching a handful of Roxas' hair.
A third fairy slapped her. "He's mine! Go back to your beach bum blitzball player!"
Roxas bopped the third fairy away and pried the second one off his hair.
A blonde woman in a blue suit cocked a revolver. "Nobody says no to a Turk!" The Oblivion's edge cleaved her gun neatly in half. "Hey! No fair!"
Roxas decided to just define the better part of valor and run. The women chased him. Too afraid to conjure a darkness portal for fear the women would follow him to the castle; he had to run through the streets of Hollow Bastion. Several other girls joined the chase. Roxas managed to lose them in a dark alley, and leaped into a dumpster. He rolled around in the trash until he could no longer smell the cologne. Sighing, he climbed out of the dumpster and summoned a dark portal home.
XXX
"Did you try the Aphrodisiac?" Vexen asked at dinner.
Roxas scowled. His hair was still wet from his two hour shower. "Yes. It didn't work. I'm not going into detail."
Xaldin smirked. "Is it too late for an 'I told you so'?"
To be continued
Author's Notes:
Xaldin and Vexen's ribbing is inspired by the humanities majors vs. science majors rivalry present at most colleges. There's no malice in it.
As for Quistis' new outfit: I thought while her old outfit was nice, a new one was in order because she'd want to look dignified as a professor at a prestigious university. She wears a white collared shirt, orange sweater, black skirt, white stockings, and black loafers.
