I run out of class right after the bell rang. I have been having a mediocre day, but what my parents and I are doing later is going to ruin it. I am the first one on the
bus since everyone usually takes their time at the end of the day. Once everyone gets on, I look out the window and tune everyone out. I need to prepare myself for
today. I can't walk in there unprepared. It will ruin me. I will start back at stage one. I get off the bus at my stop and take my time going home. My parents will most
likely be waiting for me. Well, my mom at least, but my dad might still be at work. My mom is naturally selfless. She always wants to help in any way. She will go out
of her way to make sure someone else is perfectly okay. That's just in her nature. Me on the other hand, needs it to be forced. When someone needs help, I don't
offer my hand. It just doesn't come to mind that they might need me. I am two houses away from home. I inhale a deep breath and let it go slowly.
My hands are shaking slightly as I walk up to the door. I see my mom in the kitchen window, smiling sadly at me. I open the door and walk to the kitchen. There, I
give my mom a big hug. Abnegation aren't usually affectionate physically, but since we are not in public, and the hug was much needed, we decided it was appropriate.
"Are you ready Beatrice?" mom asks me, pulling away and brushing the hair off my face.
"Kind of. Where's dad?" I sigh, trying to sound brave. It doesn't work. My voice is obviously shaky.
"He's at work. He will meet us there. Get your coat and let's go. Susan's dad is offering to drive us."
I nod and quickly grab my coat. I walk to the car where Susan's dad greets me with a smile and starts the engine. I'm rarely in a car, since I usually use the bus, or
walk to places. I curl up next to my mom while she strokes my hair.
I'm ready. I will not cry. I have to stay strong for mom and dad, I tell myself. If I do cry, I'm afraid I will do it nonstop, which has happened before. We stop outside
of the cemetery, and I profusely thank Susan's dad. I see dad at the foot of the grave.
Deep breaths Beatrice, deep breaths, I remind myself. I walk towards dad with mom by my side, to see that she is crying.
"Honey, it's going to be okay. Caleb is in a better place now. He is watching over us and protecting us." dad reassures mom. My mom is now sobbing, deep, horrible
sobs and it takes everything in me not to join her.
"I know, I just feel like I could have prevented it. I mean what he did was so selfish, but we all could have helped him." mom makes out with her sobs. I shake my head.
"No. We couldn't have. We didn't know he was depressed. We didn't know that he would kill himself. There was no way we could have helped him. He already
decided." I mutter, not being able to take what my mom is saying. She is making it seem like our fault that Caleb committed suicide, but it wasn't. On his not, he said
that it was because of school. He was bullied to the core, and not even I was able to reach out to him. I haven't told my parents yet, but he told me he was going to
do it. Caleb admitted to me that he was going to commit suicide. In fact, he did it right in front of me. It was the most terrible thing I could have ever witnessed. He
took pills and found me before he passed out. He told me that he was sorry, and to tell mom and dad that it wasn't their fault. He did that, then took a knife and slit
his wrists. Although it was his wrists that were cut, it felt like mine were instead. It was like he was killing me mentally. To watch your brother bleed out in front of
you will ruin you. Some days I forget about it, but most days I don't. Even though I put a smile on my face, inside I feel just as dead as Caleb is. I snap out of the thought and pay attention to my mom and dad's conversation.
"Despite the fact that our son is dead, he will always be alive in our memories." dad says, looking at the grave. My mom nods her head and wipes her tears. Dad says that every year, but it's still as true as the first time he said it. Even though his body is no longer with us, his spirit is.
"Mom, dad. I just need to tell you this: I will never, ever do something like this to you guys. I know Caleb has his reasons, but still, I would never do this. I couldn't do it to you. So at least you will always have your daughter." I reassure them. Mom's face fills with happiness as well as Dad's.
"Honey, I hope you know that means the world to us. Despite the fact that you may leave the country, you will still be able to visit us as much as you like after
college." mom says with a smile. We say our goodbyes and lay a fresh bouquet of white roses on Caleb's grave, then get into dad's work car. Dad rents it when
necessary, and in this case it was necessary. Mom and I cuddle in the back seat while dad drives us home. It was easier this year than others. Not that I'm getting
used to the fact that my slightly older brother is dead, but just the whole idea of accepting it. I can't live my whole life grieving over him. I will never forget him, I will
just keep the happy memories from when he was alive. Once we get home, it is already 8:00. I'm not tired, I just want to lay in bed and think. Think about the past
year without Caleb, and the years before. I tell mom and dad that I'm headed off to bed and go upstairs. I rummage through my drawers and find the note. Caleb's
note:
Dear family,
I never wanted to intentionally hurt you, but I had no choice. I was suffering at school and in general. The horrible things the people in my class said to me was unbearable. I kept telling myself that I was almost out of high school and that I could wait a while longer, but the truth was that I couldn't. Even if I made it out of high school, I would always be the weird kid. So, with that being said, I planned to kill myself. To put me out of my misery. I wouldn't have done it if it wasn't a hundred percent necessary, but it was. I was not living a good life. Despite how much effort you guys put in to make me happy, it would never be enough. You could never fix what has already been done. The damage was too terrible. Since I have already made my decision, I just wanted to leave you guys a reason. Here it is. Here is the reason. But don't think for A moment that I don't love you guys. Mom, dad, and Beatrice. You were never the reason I was hurt. You never will be. So don't blame yourself. It's not worth it. What is done is done. There is nothing you can do about it. I love you all. See you on the other side.
~Caleb
My eyes started to sting and I could feel a hot tear trickling down my cheek. He was so mean in this letter. He didn't bother to soften the blow at all. He didn't sugar
coat it, he told us the truth. This was not recognition. It didn't make the whole incident better, it made it worse. I shoved the letter back in the drawer and laid head
down on the bed. I screamed as loud as I could into the pillow, anger bursting out of me. It was muffled, but not enough to hide the noise from my parents. I knew
they heard it, but thankfully they didn't say anything. I was having so many mixed emotions at the moment. I was angry at Caleb. I was sad because of Caleb. I was
angry at myself for being angry with Caleb. But most of all, I hated the people that did this to Caleb. I knew exactly who they were, and it took everything in me not
to slap them and yell at them. If any of them transferred to Dauntless, I would be as ruthless to them as they were to Caleb. I would make them pay. And with that
thought, I fell into a deep sleep.
2 Weeks Later
Two days until I get back the application, with the faction that would most suit me. I am extremely anxious about which faction I'm going to get. The ideal faction
would be Dauntless, because it's almost like the final pro to push me over the edge and choose it, but I also think I might get Abnegation. I feel like I would get
Abnegation just because I grew up trying to fit in, and I reflected that in my answers. School has been going by slowly because it's just like the days are repeating
themselves. I didn't realize until now that over this past year, the days have become so much more bland than when Caleb was here. He used to make me laugh,
something I haven't done for a really long time now. I miss my days being spiced up when Caleb used to tell me his drama about how Susan flirtatiously touched his
arm earlier that day, or how he would always gush about what he learned in science today and how interesting it was. Those moments were ones I never appreciated
until they were gone.
When I woke up on the morning that the letters would be sent back, I couldn't push the smile off my face. I have waited for this moment since I set my mind on
going to Dauntless. I wanted to know if I was actually meant for Dauntless, or if it was just something I saw myself doing. Even if the test results tell me I'm not
meant for Dauntless, I'm going anyways. I've always been interested in it. The fact that people can be brave all the time and not let their fears get in the way of their
job fascinates me. I want to be able to do that, and I will soon enough. Now it's only about four months until the Choosing Ceremony, and I've never been more
excited and anxious in my life. Since I've never experienced change, I don't know what to expect. Will I have made a good choice? My whole life depends on one
choice made by me. The thought startles me.
I get out of bed and get ready for the day. I decide to wear something I usually don't, just for a, change. I want to get as used to change as I can. I've never really
expressed girl in my clothing, but today I will do just that. I want to express my inner sexiness, if I even have it in me. I am not a curvy girl, but maybe if I wear
something tight enough, it will appear as if I am. I pick out a skirt that is tight around my butt and hugs it, making it pop out. I wear a push up bra and a tank top. I
absolutely hate this, but I need to get used to change. I feel giddy talking about it. I go into mom's closet and pick out a pair of black boots with heels. The boots
come to my ankles, and they are uncomfortable to walk in. How do girls do this everyday?, I ask myself. I tease my hair a bit and make it look volumized. I smile at
my reflection, which I'm not supposed to do. I look badass. I look Dauntless. If the other hints I dropped on my parents didn't work, this definitely will. I walk
downstairs slowly, my heart racing. What if my parents don't approve? I shake my head and walk into the kitchen. Mom and dad's eyes grow wide. I smile.
"I wanted to change my look up a little bit." I say suggestively. Mom realizes the face she's making and replaces it with a soft smile.
"Well, it's definitely a change. You look lovely, Beatrice." mom says, kissing the top of my head. Dad just manages to nod his head, his shocked face replaced with a
hint of anger. I have to get out of here before he makes me change. "Alright, I have to catch the bus. See you guys later." I yell, walking out the door.
I feel sexy in this outfit, but extremely uncomfortable. If this is what change is like, so far I am not very fond of it. As I walk up to the bus stop, the guys give me
winks and smiles. I blush and run to the bus. They probably haven't recognized me yet. The girls give me glares, and then take a double take.
"Beatrice!" Susan exclaims. I nod my head and feel my cheeks getting hot. I didn't think that this would attract attention, but I was wrong.
"Beatrice, you look lovely. Come sit back here with us." she offers. I really don't want to take it, but I know that would be rude. There is only one spot left in the back
seat, and I'm pretty sure no one will get mad at me if I sit in it.
"Okay." I answer. Susan smiles and looks me up and down.
"So, why the change in wardrobe." she asks, gesturing to my outfit.
I shrug. "I don't know. Just got bored with the usual I guess," I reply not wanting to tell the truth about getting used to change. Susan giggles.
"Well, I like this outfit much better than your old one. You look sexy." she tells me, and I blush. A guy from the front agrees and soon the whole bus is. I hate all this
attention. I just want to disappear in my seat.
"Thank you. It means so much to me that you guys think that, but don't get used to it. I will probably be back to my Factionless looking self by tomorrow." I joke.
Everyone around me laughs except for a guy in front of me.
"That's not funny. You have a choice to look like that, they don't." he says, angrily. I shrug and say, "I was just joking. I didn't mean to offend you, I'm sorry." I tried
to sound as nice as I could, but came across as sarcastic. He challenged me to an argument, but I declined. I didn't want to be mad at anyone today. I was too
excited for my test results.
Once the bus stopped, I managed to slip pass everyone and get to the lost and found. I needed a sweatshirt so I could disappear and blend in with everyone. I didn't
like being the center of attention at all. I managed to find a white sweatshirt with a big stain on the side, but I couldn't care less. I slid it on and started walking
through the hallway. I felt a hand on my arm just as I was about to put my hood up.
"Don't disappear yet, Beatrice. You were just starting to look hot," a male voice said behind me. I yanked my hand away from him and turned around. It was Tobias.
One of Caleb's bullies. Anger started to bubble inside me.
"I hope you know I didn't put this outfit on for you." I snapped. I could feel my face red with irritation that he had the guts to talk to me. He put his hand to his heart,
feigning pain.
"Ow, that really hurts. I was just trying to compliment you Beatrice, why the anger?" Tobias asks me stupidly. He sure as hell knows why. But if he wants to play this
game, fine, let's play.
"Only because you killed someone. And that someone happened to be my brother." I hissed. Pain flashed through his eyes, but he quickly sobered. He put a scowl on his face.
"I didn't kill him, he did it to himself. And also, you know I feel bad about that, Beatrice. I've already tried saying sorry." he says softly. I shake my head and run my
fingers through my hair.
"But you were the one that made him do it. You were the one that pushed him off the edge, with a hand holding on. All he had to do was let go. And no, I don't think
you do feel bad about it, because if you did, you wouldn't be talking to me right now." I yelled, starting to walk away, tears building up in my eyes. I can't let him get
to me. Tobias shouldn't have the power to do that. I heard him calling my name once more, but I ignored him and went into the bathroom. The mirrors were boarded
up and chuckled to myself. How Abnegation. I didn't want to see myself anyways. I didn't need a mirror to know that I was crying, and my eyes were puffy. I know
that. I know that Tobias did that, and the thought makes me angry. I just want to get out of this place and begin a new life. Whether it's high school, or Abnegation in
general, I'm just ready to leave. I'm ready to make friends and learn new things. I've never been more ready in my life. Once I gathered myself together and was
sure I looked like I hadn't been crying, I walked out of the bathroom.
Classes were boring as usual. I just wanted to get home and look in our mail box. I wanted to see my results more than anything in the world. I ran home instead of
taking the bus. I was too antsy to sit down for a bus ride. The walk is usually about fifteen minutes, so hopefully that means the run is only about ten minutes. If I
thought walking in heels was hard, running is even harder. As I panted, I took of my boots and continued running. Surprisingly, my skirt didn't run up further than it
should, so the rest of the run was comfortable. Once I reached home, I saw a note on the front door from my mom. She was out grocery shopping. That means I can
open the letter alone, and have time to think to myself. I walked back out the the front of the lawn opened the mailbox. Inside was the yellow envelope I mailed two
weeks prior. I smiled so wide I thought my lips would start bleeding. I grabbed it and sprinted inside. I got a knife and slid it through the seal. I then grabbed my
test, and on the back was a form stapled to it. It read results in big bold letters. My heart began to beat faster as I ripped it from my test. I closed my eyes and took
a deep breath before examining it. My smile dropped, as well as my heart. My heart dropped so low, I was pretty sure it was on the ground.
I forgot how to breath. I didn't notice that my heart had stopped. My mom walked in, and I finally took in a breath. She gave me a concerned look.
"Honey, what's wrong. You look rather pale." mom asked me. I shook my head. I couldn't tell her what I got as a result. It's too abnormal. I've never heard of
someone getting more than one faction that's suitable for them. I had to keep this a secret.
"Nothing. I was just feeling a little sick." I lie. I don't feel comfortable telling her the truth. She finally nods after examining me and then walks out. I take another
breath. I go to and try to find someone to contact. Finally I see the lady that gave me the form. I could tell because her picture was associated with her name, Tori. I
retrieve her email address, and email her. I told her about the problem, and almost immediately she replies.
Dear Beatrice,
You can not tell anyone about your results. It will put you in great danger. We can't talk about this here. I will tell you when you get to Dauntless, since you got in.
Delete the email you sent me along with this one. If anyone asks you about what you got accepted to, say Dauntless. Speak to you in five months!
~Tori
A/N
I couldn't wait to post another chapter, so here it is. I hope you like it. Hopefully there are some surprises in here that you didn't expect, like Tobias! If you were surprised, review. See what I did there? Hehehe now most of you will have to review. Unless you weren't surprised. Anyways, have a super day and I hope you liked the chapter!
