Chapter 2 – Sara
AN –Kinda dark and angsty but I needed to try and resolve both the lack of Olicity physical contact in this episode and also Felicity's decision to return to QC. Hopefully it ends on a bit of a lighter note though!
AN2 - Thanks to all who read, reviewed, faved, and/ or followed this series already! I do think S3 will be a roller coaster ride and I very much appreciate your support! As always I hope you enjoy this update and I welcome your feedback! Thanks!
DISCLAIMER – It is my birthday week so I will gladly accept ownership rights to CW's Arrow from the powers that be…I think I asked for the same thing last year… :(
SPOILER WARNING FOR SEASON 3 STILL IN PLACE!
"Then don't Oliver."
Sitting alone in the lair, Diggle's words continue to echo in the silent room. So simple but I don't know if I can do it. Those five years in hell taught me how easy it was to die. I'm not sure I remember how to live though.
Just flirting with the idea of a life as Oliver Queen, separate from the Arrow, nearly cost Felicity her life. I accepted my own death years ago. I've found that I can't accept the possibility of hers though.
Since the Gambit, death has been part of my every day existence, not just the vague possibility of death but the very real, concrete threat of my immediate demise. I lost any fear of my own death. I expected it. At times, I would even have welcomed it...but not now.
Now, mixed in with the rage and the need for vengeance is not only the fear of my own death but of their deaths as well.
Felicity was right that it is easier to live under the hood. There I can again expect and welcome death. I'm not alone under the hood though. Now others are with me, now they expect me to lead.
If I continue to lead this way though, I'm taking all of them down this road with me. I'm condemning not just myself to this damned darkness but them as well.
Felicity was also right that life is precious. Diggle was right that we won't forget.
Sara fought her way back from the darkness and she did it her own way. Her life was finally one of her own making – her own choices. For just a moment she was happy and she was free. I'm glad she had that, I'm glad she returned to Nyssa.
I will always love Sara and I will always carry her with me. She was right to leave me though. Sara didn't think she could be the person I needed her to be but, in truth, I couldn't be the person she needed me to be.
Now I'm struggling to be the person Felicity needs me to be. She didn't say that I needed to be different though, she wouldn't. That's not Felicity. More than anyone else, she has always pushed me to be the best possible version of myself. Never someone different, just better. She did say that she wanted more from her life though.
She wants, needs, and deserves more than dying in this basement.
I told Felicity I knew that I would die here just like Sara. If she stays with me then that is how it ends for her too. She either dies or she becomes like me – damned to be lost in the darkness. I don't want either fate for Felicity, not her.
Now I'm not only afraid of death but I'm also afraid of not actually living. Felicity accused me of not being human, of not feeling anything. I needed to bury my feelings, my humanity during those five years and sometimes that is still the only way I know how to survive.
I have always tried to keep a distance from Felicity to protect her - I had to do that today for my own survival though. Her touch would have broken me. I struggled just to make eye contact with her. I locked every muscle in place to keep my distance. I couldn't even offer her a hug when her words, her pain and grief brought tears to my eyes.
I am glad Roy was there to comfort her, to hold her. He and Diggle have been here for us both even though they too lost Sara.
We are a family and I couldn't do this without them. It did start with the three of us - not just this crusade but my new life. It started with them and I know I need them, Roy too now. I pushed John away but he returned anyway, he's got my back as always. I didn't even pretend to fight as I want him here with me.
I can't pretend that I don't want Felicity here as well even though I pushed her away too. I couldn't have that connection to her while trying to be only the Arrow. Felicity brings out emotions in me unlike anyone else.
It was possible to comfort Laurel – I hugged and held her, I gave her the words to allow her to grieve. I couldn't be that person for Felicity though. My feelings for her are too deep, too raw. I couldn't afford to feel that love because then the pain, grief, and fear would have overwhelmed me and there was a job to do.
There's still a job to do but I know now that I need to find another way to do it. Alone, I've barely held it together. I have family though and I need them here with me. Together we can find another way, a way that doesn't require their deaths in this dark basement.
I still need to grieve for Sara – for myself, for Sara, and for my Team. My first step was following Felicity's action and placing dirt on her coffin. I needed to at least start letting go and saying good bye.
I want to grieve now but then I want to lead us to a better future. A future Sara fought for, a future Felicity dreams of, a future I want to dream of too.
I had to walk away from Oliver for the second time.
I walked away not just for myself but also for him. I don't want to be the person begging him to be different. He can only be himself. I know that - I like who he is. Usually. Right now anger has mixed in with my grief and I don't actually like Oliver very much. I still love him but I don't like him right now.
Of course, right now though he is only the Arrow, not Oliver Queen. He's hiding under that hood when I need him to be Oliver. I need my partner, my best friend.
Part of me knows it's foolish to return to QC. It's foolish to trust that Ray Palmer has anyone's interests but his own in mind; however, I'm doing it anyway. I need to make this statement to myself and to Oliver.
If I have learned anything from Oliver it's that words aren't enough. You have to be willing to act. You have to be willing to fight.
Right now I'm fighting for myself. I don't want to die in that basement, not even with Oliver.
I want to grieve for Sara, I want to cry and hurt...and then I want to let it go. Sara was a fighter and I'm going to fight too.
I'm going to fight for a future that doesn't only include death and darkness.
I can't lie though...I'm fighting for Oliver too. I was surprised when he followed the Jewish tradition by placing dirt on the grave. I didn't tell him what it meant but for me it was a final act of caring for Sara before letting her go to rest in peace. I'll never forget her but I have to grieve and say good bye.
I want Oliver to grieve and let her go too.
I want Oliver to lead us but not just as the Arrow, as Oliver Queen. I want him to lead us but not to our deaths. I want him to lead us to a better life, a better future.
