Ok, so here's the updated dealio as to what this is going to be. I didn't really have anything in mind when I started writing this, I just didn't want to study for finals so I popped something out real quick. So I'll write two more quickies from Jiraiya and Orochimaru's POVs, and then I'll decide from there whether I want to leave it as a pointless threeshot or expand into a real story.

I don't own Naruto.

Jiraiya is excited when he first hears about the war. Jump-up-and-down-like-a-little-kid-on-Christmas excited, if he's going to be honest with himself, because what's not to love, really? Fighting against chumps like Ame, Suna, and Iwa, not to mention all the war stories he'd be able to tell to the ladies back home after mopping the floor with them. But it's been a few days now, and a few days in Ame may as well be a few decades because of the insufferable, neverending rain. Not only is it bitchin' cold, it's got Tsunade all bundled up in a cloak, and more clothes for Tsunade can never mean anything good as far as he's concerned. He tried mentioning this to her a day or two ago, but he'd ended up plastered to a tree, and he's not even going to try breaching the subject with Orochimaru. Asexual freak.

He speeds up from the steady gait he's been using to trail the other fifteen shinobi in his regiment to fall in line with his teammates. "Oy," he says cheerily, making sure to throw in a cheeky nudge for Orochimaru. Bastard pretends to hate physical contact, but Jiraiya's confident he secretly yearns for his touch. Everyone else does, right? "When do you guys suppose we're gonna get some action up in this bitch? Sensei promised me action, you heard him say that, didn't you?" He pokes Orochimaru's cheek for emphasis.

Orochimaru stiffens. "Get back in formation, you lumbering donkey."

Ah, Orochimaru. Jiraiya smiles beatifically at him. Such a way with words, that boy has. Seems he's not the only one with that sentiment though, as their jonin commander hollers back: "Jiraiya! Get back in formation or I'll have your ass for dinner!"

Chortling at the thought of how sinfully tasty his ass would be if they really were to have it for dinner, Jiraiya is starting to slow down to return to his position when the world explodes into purple mist. It's eerily quiet for an instant, then all is black, then red.

"What the fuck," he shouts at Orochimaru. "What did I tell you about having your snake eat us without our explicit permission?"

"Shut up," Tsunade growls, and that's when Jiraiya realizes something is horribly, horribly wrong because since when does Tsunade talk like that and not punch him in the face? "Use your head for once, will you?" Her face is a mask of concentration as she continues: "Any longer out there and we'd be dead. We'd still be dead if I hadn't trained so much to extract his poison." She breaks off as her chakra flares, and Jiraiya's vision clears.

"Hanzo, then," he says grimly, then grins. "Well what are we waiting for? Let's go kick some ass!"

Orochimaru looks at him in that long-suffering way of his. "Manda's tunneling us away as we speak."

Jiraiya's jaw drops. "You can't be serious. We've got thirteen teammates back there!" He turns to Tsunade. "We have to go back, right?"

But Tsunade averts her eyes. Refuses to look at him. "Jiraiya. They're dead. We got ambushed. We were lucky to have any survivors."

She leaves out the last part, but Jiraiya can hear it from both of them as clearly as if they're screaming it. It may have been your fault.

Review or whatever, yeah? Cheers!