AS LOVERS GO;
By Jewell21
It happened accidentally, in a heartbeat.
The events that follow the path of two allies who become lovers, and a man, who desperately tries to deny himself his greatest desire.
Zutara.
Chapter 2: Ice Dodging
Once out of view of the dining hall, Katara reached for Zuko's hand and dragged him into the foyer of the lodge.
"Katara what-," Zuko began, but she cut him off.
"Shh! Not yet, Zuko." They crossed the foyer quickly and silently as she led him down another hallway which he supposed lead to the sleeping quarters. They slowed when they reached an icy, ornate door with intricate carvings that could have only been done by a waterbender's precise hand.
"This is our counsel room. I helped with the design myself. It can only be opened with waterbending," she explained.
Zuko glanced at her, and then back to the door. The carvings were more of a picture or an icicle mosaic. It depicted people of each nation bending an element, but it seemed to blend into one flowing stream of bending. "How does your father or brother get in?" he asked.
Katara laughed. "Oh, they can't. But usually there are waterbenders guarding it when it's in use." She pulled him farther down the icy corridor.
"It's warmer in here than I expected it to be," Zuko noted. They passed by another door which Katara said was Gran Gran's room. Then the hallway forked into another, separate hallway.
"We go to the right," Katara said, pointing to the smaller hallway. "Sokka and Dad's rooms are down the left." She pulled him along again, still holding his hand.
Leaving the main corridor, Katara headed for the second door on the left. While she opened it, she looked back towards Zuko with a strange expression on her face before pulling him inside and shutting the door behind him. The room itself had walls made of ice, but it seemed to Zuko that there were wooden or metal supports. The floors were adorned with heavy rugs so as not to freeze bare feet. But Zuko could feel the slight cold around him still. To a firebender, it was slightly suffocating, like drowning in icy water. Katara headed for a low couch near a vanity across the room.
Zuko wandered around the room a bit, examining the architecture and the little nick-knacks that were accumulated on the shelves. He noticed though, that the room was distinctly female. Katara laughed.
"Don't worry, this isn't your room, it's mine. Yours is across the hall, but I figured we could talk for awhile."
Zuko looked uncomfortable. "I don't think I should be in your room, Katara," he told her. "It's not proper."
Katara rolled her eyes, then reached out and brought him to the couch alongside her. "You don't know how much I have grown to dislike this place. It sometimes surprises me even. I don't really care much anymore what happens."
He still looked uncomfortable, his eyes shifting from hers, to the door. "I'm on good terms with your father right now, Katara and-,"
"And an innocent conversation between two friends who haven't seen each other in awhile is nothing to worry about," she interrupted. "I just want some company Zuko, my father won't kill you."
He only sighed and rested his head on the ledge of the couch, his eyes closing. "Tell me about ice dodging," he whispered.
She laughed a bit. "It's a big Water Tribe tradition for men. Boys who are about fourteen or fifteen are taken out to the ocean when the ice starts to crack and melt. The object is to safely navigate through the ice. It is quite dangerous. I went when Bato took Sokka during the war. Skills like navigation, instinct and planning ahead are stressed, and when proven, you become a true Water Tribe man," she explained.
Zuko pushed himself up and leaned forward, looking towards the floor. "Is this some kind of test for me?" he asked quietly.
Katara looked surprised. "I am not sure. You're not a Water Tribe man so I'm not sure if this kind of thing would apply to you. Maybe my father just wants your company."
He shook his head. "I don't know. I thought my coming here was a testament to what an honorable man I am. But even you said that this was a test of manhood. I don't want to upset your father, especially in these fragile times."
She touched his arm. "Don't worry Zuko, no matter what you'll be fine. You obviously have tracking skills which might come to your advantage. Even if it is more than a casual outing with my father, you won't ruin anything with him. Sokka seems excited to go."
Zuko scoffed. "Sokka likes to do anything he considers manly. And for some strange reason he likes to do them with me."
"You're right. But he likes you and relates to you. The only men he hangs out with are father and Bato, who have already gotten past the excitement over weapons and meat," she laughed.
"Who says I am excited about weapons and meat?" Zuko asked.
"But Zuko!" Katara exclaimed, imitating Sokka, "What else is there in life but weapons and meat?!"
Even Zuko laughed a bit, but then his face got serious. "When is Suki going to tell him?"
"I don't know," Katara frowned. "She hitched a ride back to Kyoshi to settle some things with the warriors. I think she said she needs to pick a new leader. She'll be back for my birthday though and I presume she will tell him before then, because she'll come back to the Fire Nation with us."
"Why didn't she just tell him when she found out?" Zuko asked.
"She was afraid she might loose it. Her family is not very fertile and she told me it was a miracle that she was even conceived and born at all. Her mother died shortly after delivering her and her father left when he found out she was a daughter and not a son. It makes sense now why she became a great warrior."
"Wow," he sighed through pursed lips. "Will she be okay though? We can't allow her to die like her mother, Katara."
"I know, I know. I think it would be awful if Sokka lost another woman to death."
Zuko stared at her blankly. "Who died?"
Katara smiled faintly, remembering. "Do you recall the princess of the Northern Water Tribe? She was given life from the moon spirit as a baby and when Zhao killed physical incarnation of it, she gave that life back. Sokka loved her. It is sad at full moons because Yue gives me power but brings Sokka sadness. But then he was reunited with Suki, and here we are."
"I remember Uncle saying something about a beautiful Water Tribe woman who made the ultimate sacrifice. I always thought it was you until I saw you again in Ba Sing Sei."
"I'm not sure what could kill me," Katara joked. "I did beat your crazy ass sister."
"Yes," he agreed. "You did what I never could."
"Don't," Katara whispered, grabbing his warm hand again. "You almost died for me, and you shouldn't have."
"Yes, I should have Katara. I couldn't let that monster destroy you. I don't think I could even forgive myself in the afterlife if I hadn't tried to save you." He touched her cheek gently with his free hand. "It would have been too much of a waste. Besides, the Avatar would have killed me twice over if I had let you die," he joked.
She frowned and pulled away from him. "Aang was just a boy." She stood and went to the vanity to remove her hairpins. Zuko moved down the couch and rested his chin on an armrest, looking at her. "He and I don't have anything in common anymore; I'm sure it's over."
"Katara, I didn't mean to-,"
"No," she said. "It's okay."
"He still cares you know. He asked me if I had heard how you were. Maybe he still wants to be with you."
Katara shook her head. "No, I think that time has passed. We were really young Zuko, and I don't even think I knew what love really felt like just two years ago. Besides, I ground him too much; he belongs to the world."
Zuko frowned at her and moved to sit on the armrest of the couch, his knees touching the chair of her vanity. "But you love him," he reasoned.
"No," she disagreed. "Not in the way you think. I wonder sometimes if I ever did. It seemed like it was supposed to be, and maybe that's why I let it happen. I knew he loved me from the moment I found him in the iceberg, but I somehow always knew that he was greater than I."
"You're wrong," he told her, his voice rough. Looking at her, his eyes softened and he reached up to stroke her cheek, but thought better of it. "You're the greatest person I know." Standing, he turned away from her, examining her room again. She had an odd collection of things from the year she traveled during the war. What caught his eye was a waterbending scroll, the one from their first encounter. He wanted to laugh at his sixteen year old stupidity and her fifteen year old innocence. Everything was different now.
"You always thought so highly of me," she whispered. He hadn't heard her cross the room, and it startled him when her cold hand slipped into his. It felt much different when she wasn't dragging him off somewhere. It felt small and delicate, but strong from the war and waterbending.
"And you saw the good in me when even I couldn't," Zuko replied, squeezing her fingers.
"I always knew it was there," her hand raised and she stroked the edges of his ruined face. "You just took so long to figure out what you wanted," she laughed.
"A little too long, I think," he muttered darkly.
She pressed harder on his face, willing him to look at her. "You figured it out Zuko, and you are a great man and an even greater Fire Lord. I have always known how determined you are, and I'm very proud of you."
His free hand rose to his face to brush against her fingers. He leaned downwards toward her slightly; she could fell his breath on her face and she shivered.
"Zuko," she whispered so quietly, it was almost unintelligible.
Seeming to snap out of whatever he was under, he pulled his hands out of hers and stepped back. "I apologize, I have overstepped my boundaries." He rubbed his hand across his good cheek, tiredly.
"No," she said, clearing her throat. "I just…"
He walked towards the door. "No, it's all right. I think…I think I shall go to bed now. I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow." He was uncomfortably warm.
Katara's eyes lowered to the floor. "Of course," she said and stepped around him lightly to open the door for him.
Stopping before the entrance, he looked at her and stroked her cheek lightly with the tips of his fingers. "Goodnight," he whispered, and he strode quickly from her room, without another look.
The morning of the ice dodging expedition dawned too early for Zuko's liking. Though it was still dark outside, he could feel the beginning rays of the polar sun. This climate was very foreign to him. Though he had visited the North, its sister tribe was surprisingly colder and he could feel it seep into his core. He knew he would have to keep his firebending sharp to survive outside, if anything happened to him.
Unable to capture sleep again, he shoved the strange, heavy furs off of him and rose from his mat. Bad idea. The air was biting and it seemed like his chest was constricting his lungs, forcing the air out. He gave a strangled cough and hurried to dress in his winter wear. If he was to firebend as he planned however, they would be too heavy and dragging; a liability to catch aflame.
Frowning, he turned to the wooden chest of drawers near him. Pulling open the top drawer, he found women's under wrappings. Embarrassed, he snapped the drawer shut. Eventually he was able to locate a suitable training outfit- in Water Tribe blue. The Fire Lord would have to make sure none of his men saw him, or he'd never hear the end of it.
Slipping out of his room, he tried to recall how to get back to the foyer. He paused outside of Katara's room, wondering if she was awake. Surely not, he thought. He distinctly remembered that she rose with the moon and probably wouldn't be up until he had left with her father. That thought didn't help to comfort him. He was honestly nervous, through and through. When Sokka described what ice dodging signified, his stomach had dropped to what seemed like the floor.
It's the Water Tribe's test of manhood, the young warrior had said, you can't marry a Water Tribe woman without doing it. His mind horrifyingly went to Katara in that moment and he almost had to slap himself. Katara did not belong to him, and he doubted that she ever would. He suspected that all he would gain from her was a close confident. His nobles were pushing him to marry and produce and heir to secure his throne, but he believed it unnecessary. They just wanted to place a woman beside him whom he doesn't love just to procreate. It disgusted him.
But Katara, his mind painfully reminded him, was pretty much the only woman he could stand to be around for more than a few hours. Well, except for maybe Toph.
No, he thought, the nobles would never allow a marriage between their Fire Lord and a woman of another nation. No matter how beneficial I could prove it to be. Exiting the lodge, he punched a plume of flame into a pile of snow. It burned much deeper than he had intended, and he hastily kicked more snow over the hole.
"Get a grip, Zuko," he muttered to himself. "You're not helping yourself if you snap."
Breathing deeply and uncomfortably, he walked far away from all buildings without getting too far from the lodge where he could get lost. Going through his most basic firebending was laborious. Damn this weather. It was just so cold. Still frustrated, he headed back to the lodge. The sun was starting to peak over the frigid ocean and he felt better, warmer. But it was still not useful standing out in the cold.
Uncle used to tell him stories about firebenders who wandered on ice long enough for their inner flame to extinguish. Once that happened, he had said, it could never be undone. The inner flame is believed to exist at the moment of conception. Mothers who carry firebenders are always warmer than most and it more often than not helped determine if the mother was indeed carrying a firebender. If an inner flame was to ever be extinguished, it would never re-light and the firebender would most likely loose himself.
Needless to say, Zuko had to fight hard to remember why he came to this frozen place.
Zuko staggered into the foyer of the lodge, inhaling as much warm air as he could stand. Bending slightly, he finally became warm enough to walk to his room. He was slightly angry with his firebending being limited. He felt like the weak little child that his father and sister always made him out to be.
"Fire Lord!" A kind voice echoed across the great hall and Zuko went rigid. He knew that voice. "I am surprised to see you awake, young man. I figured you'd sleep as long as Sokka." Hakoda smiled at the Fire Lord.
Zuko bowed slightly. "Chief. I am awake so early because firebenders rise with the sun. Though it is still slightly dark here, I feel it pulling me awake. It's similar to waterbenders and the moon."
"Ah I see. You seem somewhat rehearsed in Water Tribe culture," the older man noted.
Zuko smirked slightly. "If you knew my uncle sir, you would understand why. Iroh always believed that we cannot understand our own style of bending unless we understand bending as a whole. Versatility in bending allows more respect for other elements. You come to learn how some complement another and it's a union of all of them which makes people strong. Plus, I have trained with a formidable waterbender for quite some time now. I tend to pick up on things."
Hakoda whistled. "You are great friends with my daughter." It wasn't a question.
Zuko became very serious. "Yes sir, and with all due respect she is a great woman. I can think of no better. She was the only person besides my uncle who accepted me as I was. I haven't always been the best of men, Chief, but Katara is someone I don't like disappointing."
His best friend's father nodded. "I am glad she has you to count on. I fear sometimes that she is all alone here in the tribes. She seemed happier than ever when you arrived." He looked at Zuko with a calculating eye.
Zuko swallowed. "It was much kind of you to invite me. Your city is one of true beauty. And in all honesty, I am as happy to see Katara as she is I. If not more."
"Yes, well she is also excited for the upcoming Summit in the Fire Nation. For reasons I cannot know, she loves the Fire Nation. Maybe after a life of cold solidarity, she prefers one of warmth and adventure," he chuckled lightly.
Zuko shuffled his feet nervously. "Sir, she asked me if she could stay awhile afterwards, and I would be delighted to have her. My uncle of course will be disappointed if he cannot throw her a birthday party of his own."
Hakoda sighed. "Yes, my daughter's seventeenth birthday fast approaches. It is far beyond me to tell her what to do at this point, and so if she wishes to stay in the Fire Nation, so she shall."
Zuko nodded, smiling. "I am glad to have her."
"Well," Hakoda said, pulling his parka against him tighter, "I must go oversee the boat preparation. You should go back to your room and get ready, we will be disembarking soon."
"Of course."
By the time he got back to his room, Zuko was already tired. How much more of this winter climate he could take, he didn't know. When he entered his frozen room, he discovered Sokka sitting on his mat, bouncing slightly.
"Zuko!" Sokka stood, but then sat back down. "You're awake. I came to wake you and you weren't in," he looked at Zuko questioningly.
The other man shrugged. "I went to firebend. Then I ran into your father and he told me to get ready. But I'm not really sure what that means."
Sokka nodded then went to Zuko's chest of drawers. He opened the bottom drawer and pulled out a thick, blue bundle. He handed it to Zuko, who looked confused. "What is this supposed to be?" he asked.
Sokka laughed and took the bundle back. Searching, he found a cord and pulled it. The bundle unraveled and Zuko saw thick, rolled pants and a new, different parka. He realized this must be the outfit he would wear to go ice dodging. Somewhat, he was nervous.
"Dad says I was supposed to help you with this but well, you know. Going out in the water is dangerous for the best of us, but Katara told me you'd need the extra protection.
Zuko took the warm clothes from Sokka. "You talked to Katara today?"
"Yeah she got up early to work at the healers hut. We have a few pregnant women here and she helps take care of them," Sokka explained.
Zuko nodded dumbly, still gripping the clothing. "How long do these trips often take Sokka?"
The younger man shrugged. "Sometimes all day. Sometimes just a few hours. The weather is warmer today than it's been in awhile and I'm sure Dad wants you to get the full experience. We might be out late.
Zuko snorted. "Warmer? How could it be considered warm here?"
Sokka laughed as well. "Well I am sorry my lord that it isn't Fire Nation warm. This is the best we can do; it's winter after all." He stepped around Zuko and went towards the door. "I will let you change. Meet us in the foyer in half a candle mark," he pointed to Zuko's bedside table where a candle stood burning that he didn't notice before.
"Right." When Sokka left, Zuko laid the clothing out on the mat. It seemed to be made out of a slippery material that was still soft so it must have been semi-waterproof. Shrugging out of his Fire Nation winter wear, he donned his borrowed Water Tribe fishing gear. He felt much warmer in these clothes than he had been his entire visit.
Checking the candle, he decided to look for the healing hut to see it he could catch Katara before he left. Leaving his room, he noticed what seemed like a guard walking down the hallway, away from him.
"Excuse me!" he called, and the man jumped and turned.
"Oh Fire Lord!" the man exclaimed. "Would you like me to escort you to the foyer?"
Zuko laughed lightly. "No, thank you. I was wondering actually if you could tell me where the healing hut is. I would like to see the Chief's daughter's healing in action before I head out. I haven't seen I yet and I admit I'm rather curious," he lied.
"Certainly. It's real simple, just leave the lodge and go straight, say about fifty paces. It's the large igloo to your left. Can't miss it."
Zuko bowed the Fire Nation bow, which seemed to startle the guard. "I am deeply grateful. Thank you." As if to scare the guard some more, he dashed away down the hallway. He ran once he reached the foyer and made it out of the lodge. He counted about twenty-five paces on account of his running. The guard wasn't lying when he said he couldn't miss it. The healing hut was the second largest building Zuko had seen so far. Slowing as he approached it, memories of the previous night flooded his mind. And he was slightly nervous to see Katara.
The flap of the hut shifted and he froze. What if it was her and she didn't want to see him? A young woman stepped, or more like waddled out and then he knew it wasn't Katara.
Sighing, he approached the hut and pushed the flap aside. "Katara?" It was dim in the hut and he couldn't make her out through all the brown hair and parkas. A figure rose to his left.
"Zuko!" he knew it was her the moment she spoke. "What are you doing here? Or how did you even know where I was?" She moved closer to him so they could talk. Looking down, he saw a woman sitting up from a mat, with an extremely swollen stomach. "Oh, you're done today Mali. See you later."
The woman hugged Katara. "Thank you. Fire Lord," the woman bowed as best she could to him, which he couldn't understand why.
He only nodded at the woman and turned back to Katara who was smiling up at him. "Oh, yeah, your brother said you were here and I wanted to say goodbye before I left with your father. Sokka said we could be out late. I hope you won't get too lonely without me," he teased her.
She punched his arm lightly. "I'm not so sure I can make it through my day without you Fire Lord."
His stomach turned slightly. "Just say the words and I'll stay," he promised.
She only laughed. "No, go. My father and Sokka want you to come. I will be here when you return."
He smiled. "Do I look appropriate enough to go ice dodging?" he asked, spreading his arms out.
"Perfect," she laughed. "Now go, you'll be late." She jokingly pushed him out of the hut. "Good luck!"
Zuko felt the desire to punch Sokka in the throat.
Seriously, the Water Tribe man could not stop talking. As if being out in the frigid ocean with three other mean on a medium sized boat wasn't bad enough for him, Sokka liked to discuss strategy for ice dodging.
"It's really about looking beyond the ice, y'know?" Sokka was sitting next to Zuko, and both men were rowing.
"Sokka, you've been ice dodging like what, one time?" Zuko looked at Sokka to see his hurt look, and nearly laughed at him.
Hakoda cut in. "The Fire Lord is right Sokka; arrogance is not your friend. This is supposed to be a cultural experience for him. If you keep talking to him that way, he'll be sick of us."
Zuko exhaled, grateful that the Chief intervened before he committed murder. Sokka really wasn't helping his nerves.
They had come upon the spot where ice was scattered and broken throughout the water. Zuko was uncomfortably nervous. Sokka saw the look on Zuko's face and began to snigger.
He scowled at the laughing man. "You wouldn't think it so funny if you were standing on the edge of a volcano."
Sokka sucked in his laugh. "I've actually done that, Fire Lord. But, fair enough. Just you wait though, the ice isn't nearly thick enough here for dodging, nor is the current too strong."
Zuko gripped his paddle tighter. "I hope you're experienced at this, Water Tribe. I'd really rather not drown on your behalf."
Hakoda and Bato both started to laugh. "Oh Fire Lord," Bato said, "Ice dodging is a Water Tribe skill. And we wouldn't dare take you out to the most dangerous part, my lord. Today is just recreational fun."
Zuko nodded. "Fun. I see."
They sailed smoothly through the beginnings of the ice. Chunks of it lightly bumped the edges of the boat. Zuko could feel the current picking up beneath him; he didn't use the paddle much more to move them along, just to guide them.
Hakoda looked to Sokka and they both nodded. Sokka let go of his paddle and switched places with his father, at the back of the boat. The Chief pulled Sokka's paddle into the boat, stowing it under an unused seat, and motioned for Zuko to do the same. He noticed that the ice was much denser and thicker now, but they glided through it, not a single piece hitting the boat. The Fire Lord looked back and saw Sokka steering, a determined look on his face. Despite Zuko's doubts, Sokka was actually really good at this.
Regardless, Zuko felt like there was something wrong. The ice was coming at the boat quicker now, and it was starting to hit more often. Looking back at Sokka, Zuko noticed that the Water Tribe man's face alight with uncertainty. Zuko gripped the edge of the boat uneasily.
A large block of ice brushed against the side of the boat, almost tipping it over.
"Sokka, what the hell?" Zuko yelled.
"I don't know!" he screeched back. "The current is quick here and the ice is getting thicker the deeper in we go."
Hakoda lunged at the unused seat, ripping the ores from their place, throwing one to Bato. "Sokka turn us around!"
They were sailing between two glaciers when a distinct crack was heard, and Sokka groaned. Wide-eyed, Zuko looked back to see him holding what was the handle of the rudder, now broken off. Zuko felt the urge to rip the piece of wood from the younger man and beat him senseless with it. Surely now he was going to die in this frozen ocean.
Hakoda and Bato frantically shoved the ores into the water and began to row in opposite directions, trying to get the boat to turn around, against the current. Unbeknownst to everyone aboard, they grew close and closer to the edge of one of the glaciers.
Zuko felt a rising panic the closer they got. "Chief!" Zuko tried to speak loud enough, "Be careful, we are getting really close to-"
But it was too late. With a sickening crash, the stern of the boat collided with the edge of the glacier. Something deep within it rumbled, and chunks of ice began to fall from its towering height.
Before anything could be done, a large piece struck the Fire Lord in the head. Desperately trying to hold onto consciousness, Zuko reached out for anything to grab, to keep him in the boat. Sokka barely brushed the man's fingers when he fell backwards into the freezing ocean, barely conscious.
The black water consumed him, and Zuko could no longer breathe. The weight of the water pressed against him uncomfortably, and he could not escape. Just as the dark cold set in, everything Zuko knew was lost.
A/N: I did try and make this chapter longer, and I hope that the rest of them will be this length.
I felt the beginning was somewhat awkward and slow, so here! Have some wooing, action, and suspense! Zuko's starting to figure some things out, I'd say.
Thanks for reading!
