"She's going to get you killed, you know that right?" his former paramore said, her back toward him, halfway out the door. Showing him only the profile of her face.
Bellamy knew she wanted him to ask her to stay. To take back all what had transpired between them just now. What could he possibly say to make things better? He sighed, building up courage to say anything at all.
"I'm sorry I couldn't keep my promise to you.. That nothing would change on the ground. You deserve better, Echo. I'm sorry". His words hung heavy in the air. She wasn't looking directly at him, only eying him from her peripheral vision.
"I was foolish. We both know that if she'd been up on the ring with us. You.. you never would have given me a second glance.", Her voice grew smaller at the last words.
He wanted to tell her that it wasn't true. That Clarke's presence on the ark wouldn't have changed anything. But he couldn't say that. He knew it would've been a lie.
The silence must have been an indication of the uncomfortable truth between them, as Echo walked out before he could say anything else. A part of him was relieved, he couldn't fix them right now. She needed time. Hopefully, they could mend their friendship in the future.
But the feeling of relief quickly turned to trepidation in his stomach. A mix between anxiety and anticipation. Madi's words still swivereld in his mind from the night before. He knew he needed to see Clarke. His heart thumped at the thought, but he also feared what meeting her now would mean.
He sat down on a nearby chair, putting his hand over his mouth and breathing in deeply as he recalled the first night on the ring. How he'd cried himself to sleep over the fact that he was responsible for the death of his.. "best friend? partner? His 'would have been'?" .. his Clarke.
He couldn't even categorize what she'd been to him. Only that she meant everything. And then she was gone. Dead. Because of him.
He knew, he loved Clarke. He'd probably loved her for a long time, but he hadn't been clear about it since after the fall of the city of light, at least that's what he told himself. He'd been so provoked by her trying to say goodbye to him at the end. Regret filled his chest, it hurt to breath. He hadn't even let her say goodbye properly.
He couldn't remember how many months he just sat, looking down at the scorched patch of dirt that once was their home. Where Clarke's ashes now coated the surface somewhere. He'd feel sick at the thought, but couldn't get the image of her bones withering away in the wake of Praimfaya.
His only escape from the image was trying to redirect his thoughts to O. Another one he'd left behind, but who was still alive. Someone he might actually have a chance to see again. "May we meet again", he'd whisper out into the nothingness of space.
Bellamys attention snapped back to the present by the tears that slowly rolled down his cheeks and onto his hands.
He took a breath again, trying to soothe the fear inside him. "This isn't going to be like the last time", he told himself. "She won't get ripped away from me again". He stood up, but finding his legs a bit unstable to stand with.
His gaze turned towards the door, and the light knocking. "Hey man.." he heard as the door opened.
His eyes meet the concerned face of his friend peeking in. "You all right?", Murphy spoke again. Bellamy nodded as Murphy made his way into the cottage, holding a book in his left hand.
"Sooo.. your love life is just a mess.. I guess we have another thing incommon" Murphy chuckled slightly, testing the temperature of the room.
"Yeah. Well. So much changed when we came down again" Bellamy answered, not really wanting to get into the situation with Echo, he focused his attention to the book. It felt familier somehow. "What's that?" he asked.
"Uhm, actually, the reason why I came in here. I thought you might want to see it", Murphy paused, handing him the book, "..It's Clarkes sketchbook".
Bellamy's heart suddenly hammered in his chest. If he knew Clarke at all, this was like a journal of the last six years. "Is it okay for us to look at this?" he asked not necessarily Murphy but more like himself. Even though he really wanted to look through it, just to get a glimpse to see if she'd missed him as much as he'd missed her, he didn't want to betray her trust. More then he'd already have, he scolded himself.
Murphy shrugged "Here" he said, and opened the book before Bellamy could stop him, flipping it to a page with a leaf on it. "Look at the pages after this". As curiosity overtook him and Bellamy started flipping the pages he found himself staring into his own eyes, at his own face, his smile. The pages was filled with images of him, and Madi. He couldn't help to smile as he looked at a much younger version of Madi holding a fishing spear.
He found his heart breaking again. She'd been all alone, taking care of a child, alone. Never knowing if they'd come back for her. And still having this unwavering faith in them, in him.
"Yeah, that would've been my reaction too" Murphy smirked at the bewilderment in Bellamy's eyes. "I was just going to give it back to her.. but maybe you'd do me a solid and do it for me?"
Bellamy let out a breath, not really being able to think straight. A moment passed between them before he found his voice.
"What am I gonna say? What could I possibly say to make this right? She waited for me, and I..". He paused, letting silence fill the room.
He was stuck in a loop of guilt, the same guilt that had plagued him for six years. The guilt of leaving her behind, the guilt of moving on, the guilt of not knowing how to reconnect with her when he finally found her again. All this guilt coated with the sorrow of never knowing what could have been. "But".. his heart started rumbling as he finished his thought, "we have a chance now".
Filled with the feelings he'd buried long ago, a determination took hold of Bellamy.
"We've waited for each other long enough" he declared as he marched out of the house and into the cold night air.
**I will do a part three. Set directly after this, where Bellamy and Clarke actually interact. But I will probably do it in duel-POV.
