Disclaimer: I don't own. I don't profit.
Unbeta'd. Beware.
Thanks for all the reviews last chapter! I'm sorry I couldn't respond, it's been a busy week!
First Date (or Getting There at Least)
It's also, definitely Loki's fault that Steve and Darcy go out on a real date. Although, at the time, a date with Steve is the last thing Darcy's thinking about - she's long since given up on that; and besides, she's got more important things to do.
Running through the lobby of Stark Tower, clasping a thick folder under one arm, Darcy almost misses the elevator. It dings and is almost completely closed, but she thrusts in a toe. The door slams on her foot, but then slides open and she doesn't so much as walk as fall in, panting slightly, and a little bit sweaty from her sprint from SHIELD headquarters.
It's just her luck that she isn't alone.
Steve is standing there, hands on the elevator buttons. He's holding his shield and wearing his red white and blue getup, minus only the silly ski mask. The all American look of the outfit is a bit tarnished; the suit is stained with dirt, grease, and other things she thinks she'd rather not think about. Has he been wearing it since that video in Germany was taken? The video where Steve faced off against Loki, the megalomaniac intent on ruling the world? The megalomaniac who killed her boss, Phil Coulson? The Best Boss Ever Coulson, who hadn't even gotten mad at her when she'd taken the afternoon off with Steve. Au contraire, the man had taken her out for sushi—and could he ever put down raw fish! He'd plied Darcy with tender uncooked morsels of oceanic origin until she'd told him every detail of her not-date with Steve.
Darcy's jaw hardens. Coulson is—was- awesome, even if he might be—might have been—a snake. Besides his quirk for warm offices and inability to sweat, Darcy couldn't help but notice he nearly swallowed his sushi and sashimi whole. She glances down at the folder in her hand, and the neat little Post-it note stuck to it, the words "For Tony Stark" written in Phil's near perfect hand.
"Darcy," Steve says. When she looks up at Steve he's scowling at her.
Squaring her shoulders, she says, "I need to see Tony Stark."
Steve's brow furrows. "Are you authorized to see him?"
Darcy sniffs, and tries to look imperious. "No." She actually got in the building by saying she was going to see a tech geek girl she knows who works in the marketing department.
Steve stares at her. Tightening her jaw, Darcy holds up the folder. "But I have to see him. My boss Phil Coulson left this on his desk and it has Tony's name on it." She bites the inside of her cheek. She will not cry.
Steve's eyes soften. "You knew Coulson?"
Darcy doesn't answer. But she doesn't need to. Bowing his head, Steve says, "JARVIS, take Miss Lewis and me to the penthouse."
"Yes, Captain Rogers," says an ethereal voice and for a moment Darcy thinks of Mr. Rogers from PBS, and for some reason that really almost makes her cry—oh, for safe mornings in the Neighborhood of Make Believe and..and...sweaters! And slippers! She doesn't cry. But only just.
The elevator starts to ascend. Darcy looks sideways at Steve. "Thank you," she says, but he is just looking up at the lights flashing above the elevator door. With one arm he's gripping his shield, his free hand is clenching and unclenching at his side. Her eyes fall to his butt. And whoa. She immediately looks up at the lights above the door too.
The elevator doors slide open, and Darcy and Steve step into what is one seriously awesome, luxurious room with a swank bar that looks like it was designed to double as a chic nightclub come sunset.
Steve gives her a tight lipped smile and starts to pace away from her, free hand still clenching and unclenching. Asking him how he is, or if he's finished all the Usagi Yojimbo comics they got together seems shallow, so Darcy doesn't say anything.
From the ether comes the voice that must be JARVIS. "Mr. Stark is approaching in his Ironman suit and will be here in approximately 3 minutes."
It suddenly occurs to Darcy that she's not just going to meet Tony Stark—again, though she doubts he remembers the first time, he kept calling her Marcy—she's also going to meet Ironman. Also...seriously the bar is really cool. Walking over to it, she slouches on a sleek chrome bar stool that probably costs more than two months rent. Looking at the bottles against the wall, she wonders if she makes Tony a drink if it would be okay to make herself one.
And then JARVIS voice announces, "Unknown energy source detected in the penthouse."
Before that can even process there is a sound like static that makes Darcy turn. A shimmer of light in the middle of the room catches her eye. There is a slight pop. And then, suddenly, a guy with long black hair, eerily bright light electric-blue eyes, and armor of black leather accented with gold and green is standing between Darcy and Steve in the middle of the room.
"Loki," says Steve lowly.
"Captain Rogers," purrs Loki, turning to Steve.
"You killed Phil!" shouts Darcy, dropping the folder to the floor and reaching into the pocket of her sweater—the sweater she's not wearing because she just sprinted over on a hot summer day from SHEILD's New York HQ.
Loki and Steve both turn to stare at her, their expressions of disbelief oddly mirroring one another.
"Darcy get down!" says Steve.
"Leave this to the big boys," says Loki. He looks down his nose at Darcy with a sneer and then turns his back to her.
"What do you want, Loki?" says Steve, raising his shield. Or maybe he says that. Darcy can't really hear him. All Darcy can hear is her own blood pounding in her ears, and all she can think about is that Loki turned his back on her. Loki turned his back on her—because she is not worth a second look by super hot aliens, super hot assassins, super hot billionaires, super hot super heroes and apparently not supervillains!
Darcy is suddenly very hot, her mouth tastes funnily like metal. Bending down wordlessly as Steve and Loki debate the merits of benevolent dictatorship—as if! Don't they realize the trouble with succession that madness brings? Darcy picks up a barstool by the legs. It feels oddly heavy and light at the same time, which makes no sense at all. Turning back to The Boys, Darcy walks forward, lifts the barstool above her head and brings the shiny chrome seat down on Loki's head.
There is a loud clang. Nothing happens immediately. But then Loki, slowly turns his head to look at her. His lip curls up in a snarl. "You'll pay for that mortal!"
Darcy's eyes widen. It suddenly occurs to her, in her anger she may have made a rather hasty error in judgement. She swallows.
There is a blur of red blue and chrome and another loud clang on Loki's skull. Darcy blinks to see Steve with his shield raised above his head. Growling, Loki turns to Steve, but Loki's wobbling a little.
Oh, fuck she's dead anyway. Grunting, Darcy swings the barstool up and hits Loki again. It bounces on his head, and then hits a second time—though with less force, so it's sort of a hit and a half.
"Stop!" Shrieks Loki.
Darcy takes a gulp of air and then Steve's shield is whipping through the air and falling on top of Loki's head, again, again, and again.
Loki staggers to his knees.
Pausing his onslaught, Steve says, "Had enough?"
Heaving the barstool above her head, Darcy cracks it down on Loki's skull. Twice. Just for good measure.
"I think -" says Steve.
"That's for Phil!" shouts Darcy, lifting the barstool up in the air.
"Um, Darcy. That -"
She brings the barstool down again. "And that is for Stuttgart." Loki falls backwards on the ground.
Another man's voice nearby says, "Is that Loki? Is he turning blue?"
Darcy kicks Loki in the head, and then raises the barstool again. "For everyone in Stuttgart!" she shouts striking the stool against Loki's skull.
"Easy She-ra," comes that other voice, and frankly, it's a leeettle condescending.
"Arrrrggggghhhhh!" Screams Darcy swinging the barstool at Loki again. It hits his head with a satisfying twang.
Someone grabs her from behind. "Let me go! Let me go!" Darcy shouts still flailing the barstool in Loki's direction. The metal beneath her fingers goes suddenly icy cold and Darcy flings it away, the torque twisting her out of her captor's grasp. She lunges onto her knees towards Loki, grabbing fistfulls of his hair. So help her, she'll rip that greasy, metal-head long hair right out of his scalp.
"Darcy!" shouts Steve, moving forward in a blur. "Let go -"
"No!" The word comes from Loki.
Before Darcy knows what has happened, two viselike hands have wrapped around her wrists. Her eyes widen. The hands are completely blue, with intricate lines upon their backs. Darcy tries to pull free, but then she hears the words. "You've freed me."
The tone is so...awestruck, Darcy just...stops. Her eyes move up to Loki's face. He is staring at her, the top of his head is just a few inches from her knees. His eyes are red and glowing, his face is completely blue. Darcy's hands unclasp from Loki's black tresses, and she stares in pure wonder.
She hears Steve say, "Wow," his voice hushed and awed. And Darcy feels what he means. Blue Loki looks—well, nearly godlike.
"I'm free," Loki says again, his red eyes searching hers. "You don't know what you've done." His grip on her hands tightens. "I am sorry for the death of your master, Son of Coul, but you must believe me, when I say I was only the unwitting weapon."
"Ummm...so Reindeer Games, should I be calling you Grumpy Smurf?" says the strange voice.
The red eyes snap from her, to a point over her shoulder. "This is no time for your gibberish, Stark. Thanos will know I'm free. He'll control the others directly, they'll open the portal, the Chitauri will invade."
"Thanos...as in the Greek, for death?" says Stark.
"Yes," Loki snaps.
"Chitauri?" says Steve.
"His strike force. They scour the realms and leave behind them only destruction," says Loki.
"Oh," says Darcy.
"We are all in grave danger," says Lok, his voice trembling, his eyes coming back to Darcy's. Squeezing her hands he says, "But never fear. Where there is freedom there is mischief, and where there are those, there is hope." He pulls her hand down to his lips and kisses her knuckles.
"Did I miss something? Are you on our side now, Blue Guy?" says Stark.
"Blue?" says Loki, eyes widening. He drops Darcy's hands and stares at his own.
"No..." Loki murmurs. "No...this is...ahh...an illusion." His body shimmers, and then he's pale again, his eyes back to being an eerily bright pale blue, and a sneer suddenly upon his face. Sitting up quickly he spits at Steve, and says, "You dare look down at me mortal! I will crush you like the ant you are and leave your world in ruins!"
"Whoa!" says Stark.
"Huh?" says Steve.
"Hit him over the head!" shrieks Darcy.
Steve slams his shield over top Loki's head. Loki wavers and shimmers blue for a moment. "Again!" shouts Darcy. Steve does as he's told, and then Loki's full on blue. "Stop!" he cries, putting a blue hand to his head and wincing. Steve pulls back.
Loki says softly, "So I'm cursed to be a blue monster..." He swallows, "But at least I'm free..."
"You don't look like a monster," says Darcy in a hushed voice, staring at his sky blue skin.
"No," says Steve.
"You look magical," Darcy say.
"Yeah," says Steve.
"Well..." says Stark. "I dunno. You are still freakishly tall."
Loki's glowing red eyes narrow and flick to Darcy, and then to Steve. And then they widen, as though he doesn't quite believe what he is seeing.
Swallowing again, he says, "We must move quickly if we are to save our skins."
Steve jumps forward, holding out a hand for both Darcy and Loki, giving Darcy a sort of weird angry glare, as he does. Darcy glares right back at him. She doesn't care if he is the tall, good looking, icon of Americana, if he's going to be a weirdo, so will she.
Loki and Stark both clear their throats. Darcy half turns to them, and both of their eyes snap to her chest. Darcy looks down to see that the top three buttons of her blouse are now open, and her bra is showing. Thankfully, not a ratty one, a pretty pink one with a flower pattern that gives her great lift. Steve's gaze goes to Loki and Stark, then follows their eyes back to Darcy—or her boobs actually. His eyes lift to her face and he looks so angry—like she meant for her buttons to pop, and she is some hoochi mamma or something, and really what is wrong with him? Stupid, prude, 1930s throwback.
Dropping Darcy's hand, Steve turns, and steps in front of Darcy towards Stark and Loki—steps in front of her! Bastard. Like she's not there.
"How do we find out where this portal will open? Can we use any of the instruments on the Hellacarrier?" he says, sounding quite Captain-America-y.
"Hell, we can use the instruments two floors down," says Stark. On que, the elevator dings, and opens, and the three men walk towards it.
"Wait!" says Darcy. "I have to get my folder!"
"Meet us downstairs," says Tony. "JARVIS will give you directions."
"Okay," says Darcy weakly, towards the guys in the elevator. Tony waggles his eyebrows and gives her a wink. Steve just looks pissed. Loki is raising an eyebrow in Steve's direction.
The doors close. Darcy's alone, suddenly feeling oddly cold. And she's shaking. She walks over to the bar and looks down at her overturned barstool-bludgeoning-tool-thing. Bending over, she she tries half-heartedly to pick it up, but suddenly feels too tired, or it feels too heavy. How did she ever lift that thing? Must have been an adrenaline rush, like that mom had, the one who lifted the car off her son.
Kneeling down, Darcy reaches out to grab her folder. She feels something in her spine pop, a sudden pain that makes gasp and put her hands behind her back, and then she promptly loses balance, falls forward and hits her head on the flagstone floor. Just before the world goes black she remembers what happened to the mom who lifted the car off her son. She threw out her back.
x x x x
Darcy wakes up to moans, screams and sobs. She opens her eyes to a high school gym that has been converted into a makeshift trauma center.
It's the day after the Chitauri came through a portal opened by Eric Selvig and the Avengers, aided by Loki, fought them off.
Turning her head to the side, she sees Katie, one of the nurses, remove a bedpan from underneath the bed next to her. The guy there has his face wrapped up in bandages. He nods minutely as Katie goes about her business.
"I wish I could help," Darcy says to Katie. And she means it. Even if it meant just emptying bedpans for the nurses. In the past day she's watched them coming and going, never stopping. And she's laying here useless with a pulled back and a concussion. She's cleared to leave now, she just needs bed rest. But there's no one in the city to come get her.
Katie smiles at Darcy, and opens her mouth to speak. And then a smooth, vaguely British, man's voice interrupts. "But you already did help."
Katie turns. Darcy lifts her head with a whimper. A hush falls around the little part of the gym they're in. Loki's standing there, dressed in a SHIELD uniform, one that looks a lot like the one Clint wears—but with sleeves. His blue skin seems to glow, and his orange eyes definitely do. Around Darcy come whispers. "The mutant who fought with the Avengers!"
Loki smiles. "Miss Lewis, armed only with a barstool, took on an alien and won. That's how she injured her back."
Darcy blinks at him.
The guy with his face wrapped in bandages rolls his head in Darcy's direction and utters the first words Darcy's heard him speak. "You took on an alien and won?" He laughs. "Awesome."
"Wow," says Katie with a grin. "You're a hero."
"Yeah," says the man next to Darcy.
Nodding, Katie, turns and walks away, bedpan in hand. Darcy's brow furrows as she watches Katie walk through the lines of beds of the wounded. Darcy doesn't feel like her heroics were all that greater than Katie's normal, everyday, job.
"Feeling better?" says Loki.
Darcy's eyes snap back to him. "Uh, yeah."
Loki smiles. "I'm here to collect you, Miss Lewis. Your apartment is still intact, and the doctors say you're well enough to be transferred back home—but apparently you have no family in the area."
Darcy blinks. Figures her apartment would be in a part of town the Chitauri wouldn't bother to destroy. "Ummm..."
Tilting his head, Loki says, "And I couldn't let my savior go back to an empty house."
Walking over he picks up the pain pills that are set on a little rolly tray beside Darcy's bed with one hand, and takes one of Darcy's hands with the other. "Shall we go?" he says, lifting an eyebrow.
"Ummm..." says Darcy, but there's a swirl of green, and a crackle of electricity, before she can really form a coherent thought. Her stomach sinks, her ears pop, and all she can see is gray. Suddenly, she finds herself lying on her own bed—or mattress rather—on the floor of her tiny studio apartment.
Loki's still sitting next to her—but wait, whoa! Darcy rubs her eyes and does a double check of Loki's sillhouette. Mammary glands—yep. Narrow feminine waist—definitely. Daintier feminine facial features, slightly fuller lips...Yes, Loki is definitely now a she. An impossibly, unfairly beautiful she. Her skin is still blue, but the scars on her face seem a little less pronounced. Her red eyes glow just as intensely though. She's still in the SHIELD uniform, but it's more Widowy than Clinty, and Darcy's pretty sure the belt buckle with the wolf on it isn't regulation—and neither are the dangly snake earrings, or the pendant around her neck that looks like half the face of a little girl with a single red ruby as an eye.
Darcy's jaw drops as Loki (Lady Loki?) tilts her elegant head, looks around the room, and sniffs a little in distaste.
And. Well. Darcy's brow furrows in irritation. Her little studio doesn't have much furniture besides the mattress, a wooden crate turned on it's side with her laptop on it, and a pillow beside the crate as a chair, but she's pretty proud of how clean she keeps it—the comic books by her bed are stacked neatly, and the books along the wall aren't even dusty. And it's hers.
Oblivious to Darcy's ire, Lady Loki turns to her and says in new feminine tones, "I thought teleportation would be more comfortable than a cab ride."
"Yeah..." says Darcy. "Thanks...umm...why?" She gestures vaguely with her hand in Loki's direction.
Swallowing, Loki looks down at her hands. "Well, I still can't turn back to...ahhh...myself...without my brain reverting to as it was under Thanos' control."
Darcy blinks. Even she's gathered that blue is probably Loki's natural form, what is with the self loathing, lying, weirdness? She decides not to focus on that, instead she says, "I meant, why are you a woman?" She holds up her hands, and only winces slightly with pain. "Not that I'm judging."
Lady Loki smiles. "Well, since I was escorting you home I thought that it would be better for me to be female, so your lover does not think that there is anything untoward between us."
Darcy's mouth does a sort of fish gulping air move. Finding her voice, she says, "My lover?"
Loki blinks at her. "Steve Rogers! My second favorite human. He's working with Fury right now, trying to get me amnesty."
"Steve Rogers is not my lover!" Darcy snaps.
Tilting her head, Loki smirks. "Well, if he isn't, he soon will be!"
"Hell, no!" says Darcy. "Did you see him glaring at me after I..." Darcy stops, suddenly a little uncomfortable with saying, 'After I repeatedly beat you over the head.'
"After you rescued me," Loki supplies helpfully.
"Ummm...yeah," says Darcy. "It's not like all of us have super suits that stay together during that sort of thing. I still don't really understand it—was he mad because my buttons broke? Because I stole his thunder? Because I didn't listen to him? Because I gave him orders? The way he stood in front of me like I wasn't even there—"
"Ah, you are a virgin," Loki says.
"What?" says Darcy, thrown by the non-sequitur.
Sitting back, Loki taps her chin with a long elegant finger. "Yes, that must be it, someone without experience with men might think—"
"I have experience with men!" Darcy says, sitting up and instantly regretting it as a wave of pain sweeps over her back. Flopping down onto the mattress, Darcy whines.
"Obviously, not a lot," says Lady Loki. "Steve was not mad at you."
Darcy raises an angry eyebrow at her.
Laying back on the mattress beside Darcy, Lady Loki threads her long elegant fingers on her stomach and sighs. "What you were witnessing was Steve's internal battle between his simultaneous desires to protect you and Earth from alien invaders and Stark's lascivious gaze, and his desire to ravage you—or fall down on his knees and worship you." Lady Loki smiles happily.
"Uh, no," says Darcy.
Lady Loki blinks. "Oh, yes." She looks away. "It was the same look was on my face when my so-called-brother-Baldur tried to feel up Sigyn at a reception. Sigyn turned around, spilled wine down the front of his trousers, and then excused profusely as though it had been an accident!" Chuckling, Lady Loki's voice cracks a little. "Of course, I can see through lies..." Her voice bobbles down an octave and she seems to shimmer. "I knew then I had to have her."
Lady Loki shakes herself, and then laughs in high feminine notes. "When Steve does fall down on his knees to worship you hopefully it will be with his tongue!"
"What?" says Darcy.
"Oh, that's right," Loki says rolling onto her stomach. "You're still a virgin."
"I'm not -"
Putting a finger to Darcy's lips, Loki says, "Virginal." Lady Loki smiles. "I'm referring to cunnilinguis that's when—"
"I know what that is!" says Darcy. "And I highly doubt Steve would be into that!"
"Really?" says Loki, her brows furrowing. "You know that for sure?"
"Well—"
Shaking her head, Loki says, "Because if he isn't throw him back in the pond. He's not worth keeping. You need a man that gets into it." She licks her lips, and Darcy draws back in the covers. She stares at Loki for a second.
And then clearing her throat, Darcy says, "Guys get into that?"
Lady Loki's eyebrows lift.
"Not that it matters," Darcy says. "He's not going to ask me out. Not when he sees you." The words tumble out before she can stop them.
Blinking, Loki sits up and draws back.
"You're beautiful," Darcy mumbles. And Darcy's flat on her back, and not getting up to grab a hairbrush anytime soon.
"But I'm blue!" says Loki. "I look like a...a...a...frost giant!"
Darcy stares at her uncomprehendingly. "So?"
Lady Loki stares back at her, and then looks away. "You mortals have become unaccountably strange in the last few hundred years."
Her form shimmers, and when it stops the SHIELD outfit is gone, Loki is wearing a pretty green dress that's a little more billowy, and her hair is gray. She turns around and there are delicate crows feet around her eyes, and laugh lines around her mouth. Darcy notices the belt buckle, pendant and dangly snake earrings are still there. Lady Loki's still beautiful, but she now looks like she's in her late 60's or early 70's.
"You didn't have to do that!" says Darcy.
Lady Loki leans forward and kisses Darcy's forehead. "But I did. For my favorite human." She winks. "Just don't ask me to cry for anyone."
Darcy stares at her and Lady Loki (Grandma Loki?) says, "Not a big follower of your mythology are you?"
Darcy just blinks. She suddenly feels tired. And even though she'd splurged when she bought this mattress, her back really hurts.
Grandma Loki looks up in the air. "Steve is coming down your block now."
Not bothering to ask how she knows that, Darcy says, "I think I need more pain medication."
"I'll get you a glass of water," says Lady Loki. One materializes in her hand instantly.
Wincing, Darcy takes it from her, her hand shaking a little at the strain. Grandma Loki raises a concerned eyebrow, and Darcy says, "It will take about a week for my back to get better." She shrugs and then grimaces.
Grandma Loki hands her a pill, and takes the glass after Darcy finishes. "Now I'll brush your hair," she says.
"Mmmmm...thanks," says Darcy, wondering if the pain meds are already taking effect. "You know though, Steve isn't really going to ask me out, right?"
"Want to make a wager on that?" says Grandma Loki, a brush materializing in her hand.
"And who says I'd say yes, anyway?" says Darcy, a sudden strange dread filling the pit of her stomach. Steve is just so...out of her league...and they're practically from different cultures, and he probably won't be keen on the fact that Darcy isn't a virgin—no matter what Loki's thoughts on the matter Darcy isn't a virgin or even virginal, and really, the whole idea is just too daunting and—
"If he asks and you say yes I will buy you some new furniture," says Grandma Loki, smoothing Darcy's hair with a brush.
Darcy thinks she'd say no to that sort of generosity, even if she knew it wasn't going to happen. But she is in pain, her brain is a bit fuzzy, and all she can think of is all the splinters she's gotten from her crate desk. "Done," she says.
Grandma Loki hums happily. Just then, there is a knock at Darcy's door. "I'll get it!" Grandma Loki calls, whisking the brush away to...well...somewhere...and running to the door.
It suddenly occurs to Darcy that Steve might not be keen on genderswitching aliens. He's from the 1930s! She almost calls out to Loki, but it's too late. The door opens. Steve blinks in surprise for a moment at the blue woman with gray hair in front of him. And then his eyes widen. "Oh, hey, Loki! You do this in the myths too." He smiles. "Neat!"
Loki smiles right back. "You know, I just remember somewhere I have to be..." There is a shimmer and a pop, and then she's gone.
Steve looks at Darcy, his usual earnest, vaguely perfect frat boy, Ralph Lauren poster child, self. Pointing at the place where Loki was, he says, "It's sure is something when he—" His brow furrows and he looks up as though deep in contemplation. "She, does that."
It's so not what Darcy expects.
A few minutes later, sitting down on the floor by Darcy's mattress, Steve asks Darcy out on their first date—after politely inquiring about her present health and asking if there is anything he can get her, of course. Darcy's blames her answer on the painkillers making her feel like the whole thing's a goofy hallucination...and maybe on the promise of free furniture.
She says yes.
A/N:
Why yes, I chose to write awkward, immature Darcy. And it will only get better! Or something. I think I will show the first date as flashbacks, that way I can skip around a bit.
Lots more crack in My Stories. Check out "5 People Who Thought Loki was Gay", "I'm Dying Here", "The Snow Wife", and "What Happens in Alfheim".
If you're still enjoying this, Review. Or show your love by checking out my original stories on Amazon (links in my profile!)
