waoooooooaahhhhh chapter two, what's gunna happen?! …..*exits room*
By the time I got up and got dressed it was already 3. I had to go to the BBC for the radio show. I haven't seen phil in a week, and to be honest I was pretty excited to see him.
He probably wanted nothing to do with me, and I probably shouldn't want anything to do with him, but the truth is I can't live without him. I wanted things to go back to how they were. Where we could tell each other anything, and not judge. Or where we could snuggle the whole day, not saying anything, but still not get bored.
I miss those days. Since the incident, we haven't talked and Phil moved out. It was my fault he moved out though. If we could of just worked this out, Phil could still be here talking about the radio show, or talking about what we were going to make for dinner.
but no, because i was a twat, I ruined it all. All of it. The chance of our future was ruined, all because of one stupid thing I said.
I made my way to the radio studio at around 4 because I had to talk to them about a few things. I didn't expect Phil to be there that early, but that didn't matter. I still had butterflies in my stomach.
I haven't felt this way in awhile. I had the silly feeling you get when you have your first kiss, or share your first "I love you"
It was stupid, why did I get my hopes up for this. Did I expect him to come running back in my arms. no. Dan, you need to stop. He's not coming back.
I walked into the office, when I was stopped by my manager.
"Dan, can I have a word with you in private?" He asks me and leads me away. He leads me into a room. It basically was like a prison. How in the world would this be good news?
We talked, and with every word he said my heart broke a bit.
Phil had quit the job, without any warning or any explanation why and i had just been fired. Fired because I hadn't been acting myself lately. The last few shows with phil hadn't been the same.
"Dan and Phil on BBC radio 1 from 7-9 on sundays" meant nothing to me anymore. It felt like a rather bad memory that I never wanted to think about.
Yes, we did have some good times on the show. But most of the time, it was bad. We had to hide our relationship from everyone, because i'm pretty sure BBC didn't want to gay lovers running a show for them. The last few shows had been pretty shity as well. We haven't been the same since well….you know why.
We had done three radio shows after Phil told the phandom we were gay. Three awful shows and after the third show on sunday, our lives forever changed. All because I couldn't keep my thoughts and anger under control. All because I said one stupid thing. All because I was scared and didn't know what to do.
I left the BBC building. I didn't even get my things, I just left. I didn't want to be in there anymore. I didn't want to be anywhere anymore. I much rather be gone.
I walked down a dirt path that I like to walk down when I needed time by myself. I wanted to be alone, but at the same time I wanted to be with people. People who could cheer me up, people who could put a smile on my face, people like Phil.
Dan. stop. he's gone. He doesn't want you anymore.
I walked for awhile, planting myself on a park bench. The cool evening breeze was hitting again't my face and running through my hair. It was good just to be by myself for awhile, just me and the breeze.
"Dan! your hair looks fine come on! I'm getting soaked!" Phil giggles at me as we made our way through the busy streets of london. It was pouring rain, and I now had hobbit hair.
He grabbed my hand and pulled me into starbucks, walking us to a table and two chair near the back.
We sat and talked about everything and nothing for what seemed like hours. It was wonderful. We always spent our fridays in starbucks just talking. Just me and him.
"Dan, you look beautiful stop playing with your hair," He leans across the table and kisses me softly. I kiss him back the same way, blushing lightly.
I covered my face trying to stop thinking about him. It was hard, when someone that important leaves your life. You would do anything to get them back, literally anything. You feel lonely and useless. You feel like you can never be happy again.
That's how I feel even though it was my fault phil left.
I needed him back. I know he won't take me back, but he needs to know I still love him. If I could say one last thing to him, it would be "I love you".
oh look who finished chapter two *whispers* me :) feeback?
