If Only – Chapter 2
Disclaimers: I did not get posession of the show Supernatural for Christmas so I still don't own them so don't sue me.
Warnings: As explained in Chapter one there is mention of rape, non consensual sex and violent imagry. If you have issue with any of this please be aware before reading. We are going to be exploring Sam's memories of the events and they are going to get intense. I just want everyone warned in advance.
Thanks to all of you for the reviews and to WhimseyRhodes especially for reminding me to double check my spacing! Thanks to everyone who has been supportive, I promise that chapter 5 of Medieval Times is on it's way as well but this story needed to get out of my head first.
Sam's stirred restlessly in his drug induced slumber. He felt someone touch him and his mind reacted to try and protect himself again. A small part of his mind remembered hearing his brothers voice and knew that he was no longer a prisoner but the other voice the one that told him that he desereved what he had happened made sure it was too hard to remember. Sam wasn't sure if it was really him any more or that voice that just wouldn't go away, and thanks to that voice all Sam seemed to remember was the fight and the final words his brother said to him.
He could remember it all so clearly, with regret as Sam heard Dean's angry response he had his own if only's.
"No, Sammy, you don't get to be the victim in this one. You tried to kill me and I get to be the victim for once. See how it feels to be the one that all the blame is heaped on for once. See how you like it"
Sam watched as Dean walked away, leaving Sam alone.
Sam knew what was coming whether he wanted to see it or not. However this time Sam had time for the guilt and regret to build.
If only he hadn't pushed Dean to leave.
If only he had paid attention to what was going on.
If only he had been stronger in the asylum
If only he had died instead of Jessica, then Dean wouldn't hate him,Sam never would have betrayed him.
If only. That was when the voice brought him back to the horrible movie that was his life. Reliving Jessica, seeing his mom again, shooting Dean...always shooting Dean. Sam slowly started to believe the voice telling him that he earned this punishment that Dean wanted it this way, just to prove that Sam couldn't save himself. Tears slowly ran down Sam's face as he unsuccessfully tried to wake himself from this living nightmare.
Locked out of Sam's mind Dean watched his brother stir in his sleep as his tears fell unabated, Dean squeezed his brothers hand hoping that the contact would remind Sammy someone was waiting for him, that he was no longer alone.
Wishing he could wake up didn't seem to matter as Sam was going to relive this journey it seemed to completion. Sighing he watched as he exited the bar a few minutes after the fight with his brother and headed over to where the Impala was parked. The bar had become overly crowded with a group of bikers and the relative safety Sam had in the back was diminishing quickly. Sam decided that he was better off waiting for Dean in the car to back his brother up whether he thought he was capable of it or not.
Sam pulled out the spare door key that he had made earlier that month and was just stashing the laptop under the front seat when he heard someone behind him. Sam started to turn when he was hit by something on the side of his head. Trying to keep his feet to no avail he pitched into the window and slid down the doorframe to the waiting blackness.
Sam realized that everything hurt. He tried opening his eyes only to find that the world was a tilt a whirl and made his stomach want to revolt. Closing his eyes quickly he slowly controlled his breathing fighting back the nausea. Sam cracked his eyes open again and tried to take in his surroundings. He first tried to assess how hurt he was. As he tried to pull himself up he felt the rope pulling at his wrists and ankles. Unable to lift himself up he also realized that he was naked. Panic set in immediately. What the hell was happening that all of his clothes were gone. That was when his sense of smell returned.
Sam could smell smoke and inscense and the sour smell of stale sweat and underlying that fear. Moving his head slowly from side to side he tried to see where he was and if he could make his escape. Horror grew as he saw the markings on the walls and floor and that he was not tied down to a bed or a table but an altar. 'I guess I found the cultists' He thought miserably. 'I hope Dean finds me soon.' Sam's hope plummeted with the thought as not only did Dean not know where he was but that he quite possibly no longer cared. The reality that Sam quite possibly would never see his brother again set in and stole his ability to think.
Fear pooled in Sam's stomach as he heard voices heading in his direction. Sam started to stuggle feverishly with his bonds but found that as he pulled one the others only tightened more. Twisting his head as far as he could see he realized he was out of time.
A group of robed figures filed into the room encirlcing the altar Sam was tied to. Sam gave up any pretense of bravery as one of the robed figures came towards him with a large knife. Sam continued to struggle and try to get away feeling his wrists start to bleed where the rope tore through skin.
"Be still!" a voice boomed, Sam decided he was not heeding the request if he was going to go down he was going to make it as difficult as possible.
Sam saw the beefy arm coming towards him but there was no way to avoid it. As it made connection to the side of his head already injured stars exploded behind Sam's eyes and everything went black.
Sam wasn't sure how long he was out but he immediately wished he had never awoken. The pain in his head had only intensified and he realized his one eye would no longer open for him. Trying desperately to focus he realized that he was now gagged as well and hands were touching him.
Fear blossomed as Sam tried to move away from the probing hands. They ran down his arms and chest, he felt one hand roughly grip him and start stroking him. Tears welled his eyes as he tried to sceam "no" only to have the gag start to choke him as he began to hyperventilate.
Sam could hear the chanting around him but he couldn't make any of the words out. He tried desperately to get away from the hands stroking him as other hands roved the rest of his body. His body was responding to the touch regardless of his mind screaming in denial. A pair of hands grabbed his head and forced him still as he watched a robed figure climb atop the altar and straddle him.
The woman forced Sam into her body andstarted to move. Sam's tried to twist his hips to throw her off but he all that garnered was a slap across the face as more hands came to hold him still. the woman cooed evilly, "Poor little boy, you feel so good in me...let me swallow up that light in your eyes for my master. Your body knows who it serves even if your mind doesn't" The woman worked herself on Sam until he could feel her orgasam come over her. She continued to ride Sam until his body could take no more and orgasam claimed him too,tears ran down his face he came inside the womans body, as his body writhed out of his control, ashamed of his own body's willing participation in his rape, he allowed darkness to take him again.
As Sam's eyes glazed over and rolled up in his head, he never saw the knife come down and make the first incision in his chest.
Sam came back to awareness when he felt himself being flipped over onto his stomach. The chanting Sam had heard earlier continued, this time he understood all to well what was to come. The booming voice above his head spoke again. "Our sacrafice first taken as a man now, taken as woman, will pay in power and blood to our lord as we extinguish his light."
Sam started to struggle again but had no leverage, arms were everywhere again and he screamed though the gag as the first thrust tore through his body. Sam lost the ability to tell how long the agony continued he finally started to pray for the darkness and death they were offering as anything was better than this. Sam's last conscious thought was of his brother and how he would never know what happened to Sam. Dean would believe that Sam has simply walked away abandoning his brother never to be seen from again.
When Sam awoke again, he wondered if he was already dead and this was the hell he had been consigned to. As time passed he wasn't sure if he had been there hours, days or even months. Time seemed to pass with no recognition. When the beatings started Sam didn't even try to fight anymore, the grunts and moans of the men and woman using his body just pushed Sam further into his own mind. There nothing could touch him, there he would wait for death and hope that he might see Jessica again.
Sam floated in and out of consciousness now. The time with no food or water and the constant abuse left Sam's system with nothing to run on. Sam wasn't sure how he knew the house was empty but it was something he could feel. He was still tied to the table and he wondered if it would hurt when he starved to death. Then he heard footsteps. Sam wanted to call out but the gag had never been removed and he wasn't sure that he would even be able to speak at this point. Straining his ears he heard different voices, the days of abuse were taking his strength and he managed a small cry as a man came down the stairs.
Sam recognized the police uniform and tears broke out fresh in his eyes, as Sam lost his battle for awareness yet again he thought he heard the man to hold on, that help was coming, and then peace swallowed Sam up again.
As the memory ended this time Sam could hear someone calling his name. Sam didn't want to follow the noise he knew that here he was safe that nothing would ever touch him, but the voice sounded so desperate Sam wanted to hear it. Finally he could hear the voice and he realized he knew it. Dean was calling to him, Sam decided to follow the voice knowing awareness would come with it.
Dean stood next to Sam's bed one hand gently stroking Sam's hair the other on his shoulder trying to reassure his brother he was there. Dean could see Sam's eyes fluttering behind his lids and continued to try and coax Sam back from the dark.
"Sammy, please Sammy open your eyes, I need you to talk to me please, Sammy come on, you can do it." Dean said his voice breaking near tears himself.
Dean watched as Sam's eyes fluttered open and focused on his face, he could see terror and fear whip through Sam's eyes and he felt Sam's whole body tense before falling limp as recognition hit Sam,
Crying openly Sam tried to grasp Dean's shirt to pull himself up to him. Dean realizing what Sam was trying to do lowered the rail on the side of the bed and sat down pulling his brother tightly to his chest as he heard his brother continue to whisper. "I'm sorry" as he cried himself out in Dean's arms.
