Chapter Two: This Side of the Disconnect

The first thing that Kurt said to me after he buzzed me into his Brooklyn apartment was, "You have to be kidding me with that haircut."

He was taller than I remembered, with an older, more defined and adult face. In high school, Kurt had been baby-faced, effeminate, and so well-dressed that it was hard to take him seriously, but he'd grown into his mannerisms and his fashion sense. He was just as plainly and unapologetically gay as he'd ever been, but for the first time in my life, I looked at my step-brother, and I saw a man.

I grinned, ruffling my hair, and said, "The front counter guy at a hostel in Bucharest cut it for me. Free if I helped him paint the laundry room. Glad you like it."

Kurt rolled his eyes but grinned widely. "Finn Hudson," he said, looking me up and down, "Fuck, it's good to see you again."

I grinned back and said, "You too, little brother. It's been way too long."

I hadn't been good about keeping in touch with my high school friends, but Kurt was my step-brother, so I'd heard a bit about his life from my mom. He'd gotten a job as a stage hand for a Broadway production company when he was eighteen, which had led to an internship with a Tony-award winning theatre designer, which had let to a respectable career as a freelance set and costume designer in New York City.

I grinned back and said, "You too, little brother. It's been way too long."

"And whose fault is that?" Kurt asked.

Shrugging, I said, "You're not chained to New York."

He raised his eyebrows and nodded. "Touché."

I knew that there was unspoken resentment in my family about my prolonged absence, but I wasn't about to apologize for living my life.

Kurt seemed surprised that I let him hug me, but I guess I was a lot more comfortable with people and emotions than I'd been five years earlier. Vlogging daily had forced me to become very unapologetic about who I was. Also, there was something about living in hostels and tour busses for five years that had put personal space into perspective.

I looked around his place, which revealed that Kurt's decorating tastes had evolved since high school but remained extravagant. "Where's Blaine?"

I knew that Kurt and his boyfriend had been living together in New York for years, but I saw no sign of Blaine in the apartment.

Kurt closed his apartment door and dragged me further inside. "Blaine had a doctor's appointment. He'll be back in a half hour to rehearse before the banquet."

"What banquet?"

Kurt smiled. "You do know it was his commencement ceremony this morning, right?"

"Commencement ceremony?"

Rolling his eyes, Kurt said, "Oh my god, Finn. I forgot how oblivious you are. Blaine graduated from Juilliard today."

Sometimes I forgot that while I'd been off exploring everything except my own future, my friends had been honing skills and getting educations and stuff.

"Wow," I said "Juilliard. Good for him."

All I really knew about Blaine Anderson's post-high school life was that he was studying to be a composer, dating Kurt, and liked to write painfully hilarious and profound musicals.

Nodding, Kurt said, "It's a pretty big deal. Plus, a score he composed last winter just got licensed in a new ABC drama, so it's a great week for him."

The last time Blaine and I had had direct interaction, he'd been seventeen years old and had just had a bullet removed from his shoulder. He'd been a quivering, vacant, broken shell of a person. It was relieving to hear how far he'd come since then.

"Wow, that's really cool. And where's Rachel?"

Kurt's expression changed subtly, and I pretended I didn't know what he was thinking. "She had an audition, but she should be home any minute."

"She's doing auditions even though we'll be touring for four months?" It sounded exactly like the Rachel I'd always know. She was nothing if not ambitious.

Kurt said, "They're casting a new musical that doesn't even have a final script yet. It'll be ages before anything happens with it, but they're picking their lead cast now so that they can write to suit the actors."

"This is a Broadway thing?"

Nodding, Kurt said, "Probably. I mean, there're no guarantees, but there's some pretty big names attached to the project already, so it's hopeful. This is about her seventeenth callback, so… yeah."

"Wow. Good for her."

Rachel and I had had an intense off-and-on relationship all through high school. We'd even been engaged for a few months. Our breakup had been emotional and complicated, but I don't think either of us regretted in the long run. Still, things between us had never really felt over. Since she'd started posting RattleBingBang shows to YouTube and I'd been able to watch her perform any time I had an Internet connection, I'd realized how little my feelings towards her had changed. We'd exchanged a few carefully worded emails prior to my arrival in New York, but beyond that, we hadn't talked in years.

Kurt caught my eye and said, "She's excited to see you, Finn."

I nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, same."

I met his eye and added, "Very excited."

He asked, "Things are okay between you, aren't they?"

I gave a little shrug, and said, "Yeah. It's not like either of us would agree to this tour if we weren't ready."

There was a sound at the door, and Rachel herself came through the door. Her hair was longer and shinier than I'd ever seen it before, but she was just as tiny and bursting with physically tangible ambition and talent as I'd always remembered her.

She stared at me with wide, almost-scared eyes for a short but seemingly endless moment, taking a step forward into the apartment. "Hi Finn," she said finally, breathless.

I'd heard her voice on YouTube many times over the last year, but hearing her speak directly to me and in person did weird things to my stomach.

It felt a little bit like the time I met Sean Connery in Paris after growing up watching his movies.

Rachel looked older and better dressed than she had five years earlier, but her voice sounded exactly the same.

And then she hugged me.

I squeezed her tiny body against my towering one, and for a fraction of an instant, New York City and five years of our lives slipped through the cracks until we were standing by our high school lockers again.

And then, back in the Brooklyn apartment, Rachel said, "Oh god, the haircut looks worse in person than it did on your vlog."

Kurt laughed, and I ran my fingers through my hair, grinning sheepishly. "It's just hair," I said.

Rachel laughed. "I'll fix it for you later. Oh my god, Finn. I can't believe you're really here."

I shrugged, holding out my arms to display myself in full. "I'm really here. I've missed you, Rachel."

She put her nose up a little and said, "Of course you have."

I nodded. Kurt said, "And we've all missed you too, Finn. I feel like our entire lives have happened since you've been gone."

"Yep," I agreed.

And as I said it, I think we all silently connected on our mutual understanding of why it felt that way.

We'd all been in glee club together for three years in high school, and those years had been nothing if not significant in our lives, but it was hard to look at them as connected to our lives now. The year after we'd graduated, a horrific school shooting had ended the lives of all but two members of that year's glee club, including the director Mr. Schue and several of our closest friends. That sort of unthinkable tragedy has a way of creating rifts in time and disconnecting parts of your life from other parts.

If it felt like our entire lives had happened since I'd been absent, it was because everything on this side of the disconnect had happened since then. I'd started Peregrination the day after we buried our friends.

I said, "It feels so strange to be back. Everything and nothing has changed."

I think they both knew, just from watching my travel vlogs and hearing what I had to say to my audience about my lifestyle, that I had no regrets and no apologies to make about my prolonged absence from the United States.

Rachel nodded. "Well, I'd ask you to tell us about your adventures, but we watch your vlogs religiously, so I feel almost like I was there with you."

I felt gratified and embarrassed at the same time every time I realized that people who knew me in real life watched the vlogs I made for strangers.

I felt even weirder about the fact that my ex-girlfriend who I'd barely heard from in five years had been watching my life online the whole time.

"Speaking of which," said Kurt, "Have you uploaded a vlog yet today? When are you going to announce the tour?"

I grinned. "The vlog is up. I didn't tell them where I was going, but I hinted that it was something cool."

Rachel said, "Well, when are you going to tell them?"

I said, "I'll tweet a hint right now. Here. I'll take a picture of the three of us. Come in close."

Rachel and Kurt smiled widely and crowded in on either side of me. I took a picture of all of us and tweeted, "Reunited with some old friends in NYC. That's right; I'm back in America. HUGE news coming in tomorrow's vlog. Hint: rattlebingbang"

"Once Blaine gets here, we can film a real announcement with all of us. I'll introduce all of you and talk about RattleBingBang and Soundtrack."

Exchanging a grin with Kurt, Rachel said, "Way cool. I've got friends who won't believe I actually know you. They're gunna flip out when they see me on your vlog."

I was surprised and embarrassed. "You know people who know who I am?"

It was easy to forget, when I was constantly on the move and often in remote parts of the world, how many people actually knew my name. How many people actually sat at their computers every day, watching me explore the globe.

Rolling her eyes, Rachel said, "Are you kidding me? Half the people I know are trying to get YouTube famous. They all know your name."

I grinned. "Way cool.

Kurt said, "It has been pretty cool, what you've done with YouTube, you know."

"It is," said Rachel, "And we will have to talk about that later. What I don't get is why you haven't announced the tour yet! We need more exposure for our show if we're going to sell tickets." She had adopted the same bossy, know-it-all tone that she always got when she thought people weren't pulling their weight, and it would have pissed me off if I hadn't missed it so much.

I shook my head. "You'll have an audience even without my vlog. This show is fantastic."

Rolling her eyes, Rachel said, "Of course it's fantastic, but that doesn't mean anyone is going to go see it. We're nobodies."

"No, you're not," I said, "Or at least, Blaine's not. You guys know what a big deal that grant Blaine won is. You're getting tons of free press just from that. Plus, I've got promoters in every city pushing your show."

Kurt raised an eyebrow. I said, "But don't worry. I'll push it on my channel too. That's what I'm here for, right?"

Rachel nodded unabashedly, and Kurt nodded slightly abashedly.

The door opened again, and Blaine Anderson came through the door. His hair was styled differently than he'd styled it in high school, and he was dressed in what I assumed was the same suit that he'd worn to his commencement ceremony that morning. He looked like he could be walking down a red carpet for the Oscars or something.

I tried not to let the old jealousy creep back up.

"Hey! Finn! You're here!" He bounded forward for a big hug, which I returned easily. I'd forgotten about Blaine's unending energy because it had been so absent the last time I'd seen him, but his it warmed my heart to realize that it had probably long since returned. And it was just as infectious as it had ever been.

"Hey Blaine! Lookin' good, man! Congratulations! Big day for you, huh?"

He beamed and said, "Yeah. Big day. And a big one for you too! Back in the States at last. How does it feel?"

"Weird," I say, "Very weird. But it was bound to happen someday."

He said, "I'm just glad it was us who made it happen."

Nodding, Rachel said, "I'm pretty sure we deserve an award for luring you home."

I shrugged. "Congrats. You got me here. Now you have to use me. Let's film an announcement for my vlog."

Blaine grinned, looking down at his suit. "Should I change?"

I surveyed him and shook my head. "Nah. You look classy. It'll add some comedy."

Kurt said, "I still don't get why you had to wait until you were here to announce this to your vlog."

Shaking his head, Blaine said, "No, I get it. The element of surprise is what makes the vlogs work. It's better to show them things as they happen than to give them any time to judge and form opinions about them before they happen."

I nodded. "Exactly. My audience is very resistant to change. They'll all freak out about me having a commitment outside of vlogging unless I can prove as it's happening that it's not going to stop the vlogs."

Kurt nodded. "Fair enough. I just hope that it's not too late to get people to come to our shows."

"It's not," Blaine said, "Come on. You watch his vlogs. All he does sometimes is tweet a meet-up point, and within two hours there are dozens of people there. People will come. I'm sure of it."

I gave Blaine a grateful smile. It was nice to know that he at least understood what I did. I'd been nervous about coming back and sharing this weird new world with my old friends, so it was a relief to see how understanding they all already were.

"Exactly," I said, "I think you have nothing to worry about. People will come to your shows. Our real challenge here will be to build you a loyal fanbase of your own. You guys need to reach out to the audience and get them to care about you, so that your company can thrive. So that being said… everyone sit on the couch."

Rachel ran the bathroom to check her hair and makeup, and then the three of them sat on the couch. I turned on my camera, pointed it to my face, and said, "Okay guys. It's time for some big news. By now I think you all know that I'm in New York City... what you don't know is that I'm here for a reason that is very special to me. With Peregrination over, it's time for me to start a new chapter of my life. So… I'm here with some of my oldest friends." I turned the camera to the three of them on the couch.

"These three are all brilliant on levels I could never hope to achieve. They have their own theatre troupe called RattleBingBang; I'll annotate a link to their channel on the screen. They've been writing, producing, and staging original plays here in New York City for a few years now, and they are all insanely gifted."

My friends all grinned with varying levels of humility.

I said, "Their latest show is called Soundtrack, and it's going on tour across 42 cities. They've asked me to be their tour manager, and I have agreed."

I paused, turning the camera back onto my own face.

"This is an exciting new adventure that I'll talk to you more about later, but don't worry; the vlogs will keep coming. So… without further ado, I'm going to let them tell you about themselves and about their show."

I turned the camera toward my friends. They all exchanged glances, and Blaine took the lead. "Okay, so, the three of us started RattleBingBang three years ago. We've done mostly one-act plays and cabaret type of things in New York up until now; mostly in student theatre festivals and stuff like that. We have video of some of our other shows up on our YouTube channel."

He had an easy, natural way of talking to the camera, which shouldn't have surprised me since Blaine had an easy, natural way of talking to everyone. Most people were awkward and tentative about talking to a camera, but Blaine dived right in with no hesitation. I was quickly being forced to let go of the broken, traumatized image I'd had of Blaine since I'd seen him last in Ohio. Before the shooting, his charming and self-assured manner had driven me crazy with jealousy and mistrust, but now I just respected the fact that he'd been able to hold onto it after everything that happened.

Blaine continued, "Like Finn said, we're about to take a show on tour. The show is a full, two-act musical called Soundtrack. It's set in a world where everyone's life is a musical. The story is about the musicians who have been cursed to a lifetime of providing the soundtracks to other people's lives. I can't say too much more about the story without spoiling it, but we're all very proud of this show."

I turned the camera back to myself and added, "As they should be. It's perfect, you guys. It's everything a musical should be."

I panned back to Blaine, who beamed at me and added, "It would mean the world to us if you guys would come see our show. And yes, we are exploiting Finn and his channel to get more exposure. If we admit that right off the bat, can we avoid hateful comments?"

I laughed and said earnestly, "I want them to exploit me, guys. Nobody is more deserving. If we're coming to your city and you have any interest in theatre, please see the show. I haven't even seen it yet, but I've read the script and heard the music, and it absolutely changed my life."

Blaine said, "And plus, Finn doesn't know this yet, but he's part of the cast. So at the very least, you can come to stare at him."

"Wait, what?" I asked, "What?"

Kurt, Rachel, and Blaine all burst out laughing. "Don't worry," said Rachel, "We'll rehearse right after this. You'll be great."

I showed the camera my terrified expression. "Yikes. So you can come to see me make a fool of myself. And of course, we'll all be selling merch after the show, so you can meet us then. You don't even have to buy anything."

I panned back to Blaine and said, "Now tell them about yourself, Blaine Anderson."

Blaine straightened his spine a little, and smoothed his tie, grinning at the camera with purposefully over-the-top charisma. "I'm Blaine Anderson." He said, "I wrote and composed the show, and I play the role of Isaac."

"You have to give them more than that, Blaine," I said, "Go on."

He shrugged. "I'm twenty-two years old, and I met Finn in… high school. I moved to New York four years ago to study at the Juilliard School… and today, I officially graduated with my Bachelor of Music in composition."

Kurt, Rachel, and I all clapped and cheered. He grinned appreciatively, unapologetic about his pride. "So yeah. That's pretty exciting. I don't really know what else to say, except that I'm incredibly humbled and grateful that Soundtrack has been chosen for the Avonroy series, and that Finn has been kind enough to help us with the huge undertaking that a tour like this is for a theatre troupe as tiny and low-budget as ours."

Kurt and Rachel nodded. Blaine nudged Kurt to introduce himself. Kurt said. "Uh. Okay. So I'm Kurt, and I play Simon in the show. I also made the sets and costumes. Uh… I've known Finn since elementary school, and his mom married my dad about six years ago, so we're actually step-brothers. I uh… let's see. I work in theatre design, and I… I'm twenty-three years old." He was much less comfortable than the camera than Blaine had been. I didn't blame him. It does feel kind of stupid to talk to a camera as if it cared.

He turned to Rachel, and she immediately got that look I always remembered her getting whenever attention was turned to her. Rachel, of course, would never see that camera as anything less than a future audience, and she would never be anything less than thrilled to talk about herself to it.

She said, "Hi everyone. I'm Rachel Berry. I will be playing the part of Rita in Soundtrack. I graduated from the New York Academy of Performing Arts last spring with a Bachelor of Fine Arts in vocal performance. I… am twenty-three years old… a vegan… a Sagittarius… an attention whore… and I also met Finn during high school."

She beamed at the camera, and I tried not to grin like too much of an idiot. She was much less grating than she once was, but she was still unapologetically eager to impress, and I still loved her for it.

I turned back to the camera. "So there you have it!" I said, "The four of us will be travelling together for the next sixteen weeks, so you'll get to know them all a lot better. I've made arrangements in every city to have my traditional gatherings, so if you can't get tickets to the show, or you're not interested in the show, I'd still love to meet you all at those. I'll be tweeting more info about the gatherings as we go along. Check the description below for more details about when we'll be in a city near you!"

I turned off the camera. "Okay," I said, "So that's done. Now uh… what is this about me being in the show?"