Shopping with Alice and Jasper

BEEP = Vampire

Viewers P.O.V.

It was 4.59! I was about to miss my favourite TV show. I quickly ran into my house and switched the old TV on. The screen was fuzzy,but I had adjusted to it now, and could see fine. I was glad to realise I had just made it. I sang along to the theme tune I knew off by heart.

OOH! Series 2 Episode 14, 'Glitz and Glam' I've never seen this one before, I fell silent as Alice started to talk.

"Hello and welcome to shopping with Alice and Jasper!"

I quickly grabbed my favourite souvenir A&J notebook and pen to take notes. I had the pages numbered by year, series and episode. I quickly turned to he page reserved for series 2 episode 14 and doodled a small glittery dress in the corner, to match the episode title.

"First, it's time for ... Help! I don't know what to wear." Jasper cleared his throat. "First up is Stacey from Manhattan, Stacey is going to a party in a few days, it's a huge evnt and she wants to look her best, what should she wear?"

Alice held up a sparkly silver dress covered in sequins. It was knee length with a basic black belt and a small thigh split on the right side, a took a quick sketch and out of habit wrote a rating out of 10 and the word 'price' followed by a colon.

Alice said, "Here you go Stacey, this fabulous dress is being delivered to you, if anybody else wants it, it's available from for only $1,350 from ! What a bargain! For a 10% discount go to the website shown at the bottom of the screen and type in 4-8-2-1-1-8-0 if you missed that, the code is available on our website as well as all information, advice and product images from this show." I noted down the price, not surprised by how expensive this was, as that was actually quite a low price for Alice. I decided that people probably just write in to get free expensive stuf, although I think they have to return it, I'm not sure, I'll have to research it later.

"Next is Carlisle, from Forks, who's going to 'the doctor awards' tonight and he has been nominated for 8 awards!" They both clapped. "Congratulations Carlisle." Alice held up a grey suit, nothing fancy. "Get this fancy vintage-style suit from H&M for $10, it's in your wardrobe dad!" she smiled. It was plain except for a golden seam on the jacket I did a quick sketch, rated it a 2 but did not bother writing down the price as the suit was nothing special.

"Finally, Jessica, also from Forks, has been invited to a 'pool party' by her friend and would like the perfect swimsuit "Alice held up a emerald green swimsuit with silver sequined detail accross the front, it was a very detailed pattern and looked as if the sequins were hand-sewn on, although obviously it had been made by a series of machines. I did a sketch and rating. "This one-sleeved number will cost a mere $992 from MarcJacobs swimwear range.

Jasper forced a smile '...and that's all for that segment, if you would like fashion advice from Alice simply call or email with your fashion problems.'

Jasper and Alice did their little dance, Alice smiling showing her pearly white teeth, and Jasper cringing, scrunching his face up. His nose was quite cute when it was wrinckled up.

"Next is, Alice gives a makeover" A screaming girl was pulled into view "You'll never take me alive!" she screamed, "NEVER!" she was kicking and flailing her arms around. Her movements having no effect on the muscular man, I recognised as Emmett- Alice's bodyguard- who was dragging her along.

"Oh really, Bella?" Alice challenged. "Jasper, you're not helping!" She hissed.

The girl suddenly had a mood swing, she sat down on the chair and Alice gave us a step-by-step description of her transformation. Her hideous messy brown was done up into a marvelous bun with chopsticks, not a single hair out of place, and she had make-up smeared all over her face. The only jewellry she wore was a rather pricey looking necklace described by Alice as 'gold woven into a thick rope of a chain' it had 'One jewel...a white diamond the size of a golf ball.' *

Spectacular, might I say. I drew a sketch of the necklace, and her hairstyle, I didn't need to but I wanted a reminder of this breathtakingly beautiful girl after he transformation,

"Now it's time for Agony Alice and letter of the week!"

Jasper picked up a small piece of paper. "Here's today's Agony Alice, Bob from Phoenix would like to know what colour would be best with his black and white suit, so Alice what do you think?"

"Well Jasper, there are a variety of ways you could approach it, go with a more traditional black tie, or instead of wearing a tie just undo the top 1 or 2 buttons. It really depends on the event. I would recommend being different and individual, wear an orange tie, or any other bright tie, to add some colour."

"Very wise, now it's time for letter of the week. Today's letter of the week is from Julie...

'You have no fashion sense and should stop broadcasting this poop, I don't know who you think you are but if you were that fashionable you would have your own fashion range, or work for a fashion magazine or something. I'd be surprised if more than 1 person watches your show each week!'

Alice raised her eyebrows (like I do. We have so much in common).

"You know what Julie? You're a little piece of wasted space and I'm a [BEEP] and another thing, [BEEP]'s are so much cooler than little nasty bullies like you! Firstly, I probably have more fashion sense than you, trust me I've had many more years of expierience!"

I pondered over this point as Alice only looked about... 17/18?

"Secondly, do you want me to send you some "poop" she said doing some air quotes, I could mail you some excrement right now so you can see what "poop" is! on second thoughts just look in the mirror!" I saw Jasper hold back a laugh "Thirdly I am currently designing my own fashion range to realease next year, but you just ruined the surprise! and I have a column in 'STYLE ICON' magazine every week" My eyes lit up at the thought of a fahion range designed by Alice!

"Finally," she paused for a moment and suddenly started smiling. Then she suddenly snapped again"JASPER STOP IT!" her look made Jasper stop whatever it was he was doing and he left the screen. "Finally," Alice said much calmer "they don't just put any show on channel one you know! you have to have at least and average of 1.5million viewers so there, and obviously to write in you would of had to watch the show because that's the only place you can find the address. SO SHOWS WHAT YOU KNOW YOU STUPID-" there was a lot of beeping, obviously covering up Alice's bad language. I'd never seen her his angry before. Whilst she ranted I drew a quick sketch of me & Alice killing a stickman (or women really) labelled Julie.

Alice finished her shouting and took a deep breath "I'll be back after the break."

STUPID BREAKS! I washed the commercials not really taking in the words and images on the screen. I was half excited and happy by the release of Alice's clothing range. I hope she does menswear. If she doesn't I could just wear women's clothes. If it's designed by Alice Cullen (my idol) I would happily wear it. However te excitment was reduced greatly by how annoyed i was with Julie's letter. The nerve.

Alice came back onto the screen. "Now it's time for topless male of the week! This weeks winner is ... JASPER!" she said lifting his plain white v-neck shirt. I sighed, as always Jasper was topless male of the week, not that I didn't love his magnificent God-like topless-ness. Jasper quickly hid his beautiful torso "The quote of the day is, 'You'll never take me alive' as said by Bella."

"Thank-you for watching. This programme was brought to you by J. Jenks. If you want to be in next week's show call the number at the bottom of the screen or send a letter to our address, also on the screen now, or you can e-mail or text us, extra contact details on the website.

What a great episode. Just then Alice and Jasper exchanged saliva. NOOOOOOO! That should be me with Jasper! or Alice, I didn't really mind. My life sucks. I grabbed the phone and called the show to complain. YES! After many failed attempts, I have got through to my favourite TV show. "Hel-"

"Dinner!" I heard my dad call from the kitchen. DARN! I flicked the telly off and hung up. Jasper should be mine; then again he would never date me. Alice should be mine! "JACOB BLACK! hurry up" I sighed "coming."was my feeble attempt at a reply.

I should be topless male of the week; my eight pack is so much better than Jasper's ... POT BELLY! You don't really think that... I left the room, outraged, this isn't fair why is my life so horrible!

OOH! Pizza night!


*Breaking Dawn, page 532.