Somebody asked what 'The Eternal Tide' is – the last Voyager novel by Kirsten Beyer (my JC saviour!). In this chapter there are also references to events that take place in Beyer's other works, 'Full Circle' and 'Isabo's Shirt.'
The Land I'm From - Chapter 2
"I don't think this is really the time to be sharing fantasies."
"Really? I can't think of a better one. We're all alone, not a soul in sight, nothing but the mountains to hear our deepest, darkest thoughts…"
She jerked her head round to look back at him, "Darkest?"
"Got your attention."
Hands on hips she fixed him with a glare, "You're getting giddy; I'm not sure I have the stomach to hear your many years of fantasies."
"Oh but your ego, 'many' years – are you sure of that?"
She stepped into his space, her chest touching his, "I'd stake my life on it."
Now he laughed, "You know me too well, I think they date back probably to our first month – "
She held up her hand, "Chakotay…"
He leaned in close as if to kiss her, "Don't tell me you never let yourself wonder."
"I'm not male; I can go without for a while."
"Need I remind you of a certain Irish bartender?"
"Need I remind you of a middle-aged ego trip called 'Seven'?"
He grimaced, "Good hit." He touched his chest as if wounded and she smiled, this time kissing him gently on the cheek.
"Let's get going then shall we, I'm desperate to see this paradise you speak of."
"Right behind you."
"Hmm, I figured you would be," she quipped as they continued up the mountainside, knowing very well that as she navigated the rocky terrain his eyes were firmly fixated on her body, or one particular part of it.
"I still dream about the blue dress." He called up to her after a while.
She smirked, deliberately avoiding turning back and allowing him a glimpse of her amusement; she knew well the dress he spoke of.
"And your skin, your bare shoulders… the scent of it."
This time she spoke, "How did you know how it smelled back then?"
"Believe me, I knew."
She stopped as she reached the end of the only clear path, waiting for him to catch up and point out the direction. It was his territory after all. She felt his hand touch her lower back and she leant into him.
"Was it torture?" She whispered, leaning her head back, eyes half closed, face upturned to the sun.
"Agony," he whispered hotly by her ear and kissed her cheek, then down to her neck.
She smiled again; 'attentive' didn't come close.
"I still have the dress," she finally said, his face jerked upwards again, the hand on her waist tightened.
"You haven't worn it since…"
"I know." She turned now, "It didn't seem right to. Maybe… an anniversary gift perhaps?"
"Kathryn," he breathed huskily, drawing her body tight against his, "which anniversary – our meeting, New Earth, admitting our feelings, consummating them?"
She toyed with his hair, feigning nonchalance, "which is most important to you?"
"Games," he said lowly. "You know, meeting you, whatever else has happened, having you in my life is the most important, most…" He drifted off with a sly smile and a shake of his head.
"Most what?" she asked, a childish need creeping into her voice, "Chakotay?"
"I was going to say memorable."
"And it isn't the most memorable?"
"It certainly is, how I can ever forget the fierceness in your eyes, but that night…"
Realisation dawned, "On Proxima station?"
He nodded.
She smiled softly, he was right, it may not be the most important but it was certainly the most memorable.
"I'll surprise you with the dress." She finally said, then added gently, "Which way?"
"We turn north, north-east."
He indicated with his hand and she turned again, shuffling her slipping pack from one shoulder to the other, "Goodness," she sighed seeing the slope ahead.
"Time to climb Kathryn."
"I hope it's worth it, I'm not as young as I once was."
"So…"
"Breath-taking." She said, without a hint of mischief or sarcasm, she shrugged off her pack. "How did you find it?"
"I was a moody teenager looking for solace, I found it here."
She stood at the edge of a rock looking down to the pool, it's pale, blue shimmering depths beckoning. It was early afternoon and the sun was still warm, despite the time of year.
"Hard to think of you as moody," she shouted over to where he stood, on another rock a short distance from hers. "What are you doing?"
"Swimming." He said, continuing to remove his clothes.
"Naked?" She asked, caught between being scandalised and amused at the idea.
"No better way."
"What if some…"
"My secret place Kathryn, remember… come on," he slipped off his briefs and jumped in, surfacing a few moments later. "Well, are you going to give it a try?"
For a few seconds she stood with her hands on her hips contemplating the suggestion, then without further hesitation she began to remove the vest and shorts she wore.
"You know this is unfair," she shouted down to him.
"Why?" He smirked, floating back in the water whilst watching her.
"Because you've done it before, and you can watch now, I wasn't prepared enough to take advantage."
"Feel free to take advantage anytime you feel the need."
She didn't quite go as far as to remove her underwear – which amused him no end. But there was something thrilling in the way she bravely stepped to the edge, one quick glance down to figure the distance and depth and then an elegant dive forward and down.
He was clapping when she surfaced, "Beautifully done Kathryn, but of course I expect nothing less."
"Oh, the water's divine!" She took her time, soaking her hair, swimming the pool from one side to the other, cooling her body, enjoying the fresh clarity the water brought.
When she finally came to rest at the edge where he waited he was holding a bottle of water and she took it gratefully.
"So, want to dive?"
"Mm, yes, though it's years since I have."
"We won't go far."
They explored the depths of the pool where strange fish hid behind rocks and plants grew that Kathryn had never seen before. She'd always loved the fact he was willing to indulge the scientist in her, and his interests in so many aspects of life married so perfectly with hers. They complemented each other; she'd thought it many times over the years.
The water cooled near the side of the rocky outcrop, shaded from the sunlight, and they stood in the shallows beneath the drizzle of fresh water easing down the mountainside and into the pool.
She watched as Chakotay drank it, how the sun caught the droplets of water easing down his bronzed body. She couldn't help the swell of pride in her belly at the thought that finally she could look without guilt, without the hundreds of conflicting emotions she'd tried so hard to suppress over the years.
"Kathryn," there was a teasing element to his voice as he said her name. "Look but don't touch."
She shook her head, "I'll remind you of that later." She glanced down to her feet slowly sinking into the soft earth, the mud squelching between her toes. She bent forward, covering her hand in it and then, before he could react, she slid her hand down his torso, laughing at his expression.
"I couldn't help myself."
"You wanna play dirty," he smiled, stepping towards her, bending down to fill his hand with the grey substance.
"No," she held her hands up, "Chakotay, no…" but the slap against her right shoulder told her he'd already thrown it.
Within minutes they were throwing back and forth like children. Splashing in the water, stirring up the earth beneath it. Their bodies sliding against the other. Their laughter filling the sun-drenched day.
"A mud fight, Kathryn really, and you a Vice Admiral." He chuckled as she floated back in the water, trying to rid her hair of the mud.
"I rather think, Captain Chakotay, that the fault is entirely yours."
"Oh…" he caught hold of her ankles, rubbing the soles of her feet and up to her calves to wipe the last remnants of the mud away as they moved along the water's edge back into the sunshine. "And how do you figure that?"
"Because, as you should know," she lifted her head up to look at him, "I'm always right."
His smile was dazzling. "Can't argue with that." He tugged on her legs, bringing her back to him.
She yelped at the sensation, "That's not fair, you're stronger."
"Only physically," his hands were on her back now beneath the water, supporting her as she floated. She seemed to him completely at ease. "Happy?" He asked gently as he watched her, eyes closed, face turned up to receive the warmth of the sun.
"Oh yes," she smiled, then opened her eyes to look at him, "very."
He leant forward, placing kisses along her stomach, up to her chest, his hands quickly removing the bra she wore and his mouth moving to her breasts.
"Outside," she panted, her weak attempts to rationalise this already failing against her body's strong desires. "Chakotay…"
"Yes, outside." He drew her body to his, lifting her up so she was facing him instead of lying in the water. "Here, I've wanted to bring you to this place for years. In my mind, you've already been here a hundred times."
She curled her hands around his shoulders, her body moving closer, her legs parting around him. "I do love you," she said gently.
"And you know I love you," he lifted her up until her legs wrapped tight around his waist, "…and adore you…"
She was giggling as he moved them around in the water; at that moment it was easy to forget she was Admiral Janeway, that she always did the sensible thing and had a reputation to uphold – it was easy just to be Kathryn, to be free and enjoy this moment with the man she loved.
"Talk to me," she whispered, her eyes closed, floating free in the silky caress of the water, his hands slowly working their way down to remove the remainder of her underwear.
"Licence my roving hands, and let them go
Before, behind, between, above, below."
She smiled; he knew his poetry, more importantly he knew how to use it. "John Donne."
"My mine of precious stones, my empery;
How am I blest in thus discovering thee!"
"Empery is an under-used word," she teased, her arms trailing behind her in the water, stretching her body lithe.
He threw her panties behind him onto the rocks, "Full nakedness! All joys are due to thee."
She was laughing when he finished, pulling her back up to face him, "I think," she said, her voice husky, "that you have brought the joy. Time and time again."
This time he laughed, "Praise indeed."
"Believe me; I've never been like this before."
"Like what?"
"In the middle of the day, in the wide open air."
"Sex?" He nuzzled her chin. "You can say the word."
"Making love."
"Even better." He kissed her forehead. "Some things don't change, Donne knew that."
"And some things do." She said lowly, cupping his face with her hands.
That voice. He knew it better than his own. He'd heard it in battle, in diplomacy, in anger, resentment, friendship; now love, passion, lust, need.
Her voice would be with him forever.
He watched as she bit into the ripe peach, the juice spilling down over her chin, her hand automatically coming up to wipe it.
"Take that grin off your face," she tugged on the blanket wrapped around her shoulders.
"Messy," he leant forward, wiping a spot of juice from her neck. "Coping without coffee?"
"You know what's odd," she chewed another bite of the peach. "I've hardly thought about it. Other things to occupy my mind."
He smirked, moving to sit beside her and pulling another blanket over their legs. From their base high up on the mountain they had a clear view down to the pool they'd swam in that afternoon, and then up across the land, the lush vegetation, the dry earth in the south.
"Sun set," she said finishing the peach, "it seems almost as if you planned it."
"Oh to have such power." He reached into one of the bags he'd lugged on the journey and took out a bottle of Champagne and two beakers.
She was thinking of power. And Q. And choices.
"Here, hold these." He followed her gaze out to the shadowy skyline, "Kathryn, are you alright?"
She turned her face to him, "Yes, sorry." She took the beakers.
"Kathryn."
"I was just thinking…"
He popped the cork on the champagne, "Don't over think. Not now."
She met his eyes, holding his warm, kind gaze, and thoughts of power and destinies disappeared. "I'm so incredibly thankful for you. You once told me I brought you peace, I don't think I fully understood the sentiment until now."
For a second they remained silent, then she hastily blinked away tears threatening to fall and jerked her chin towards the bottle. "So, are you going to pour?"
He did. "To what shall we toast?"
"Mmm, how about Trebus?" She tapped his cup with hers and they both took a sip.
"How about Kathryn Janeway?" He smiled, that wonderful, joyful smile.
"Well, in that respect, how about Captain Chakotay?"
"A fine toast." They took another drink.
She was grinning when he leant in to kiss her; her lips tasted of peach and champagne combined, sweet and sinful. "How about life." He said steadily, his breath on her face.
"And love."
She settled back against him, his chest the perfect warm pillow, their legs stretched out, sipping champagne as the sun cast long, transcendent shadows over the land.
"I should light a fire," Chakotay said some time later, Kathryn felt heavy against his chest and he knew she'd dozed off more than once and then woken again. He'd taken the cup from her hand a while ago.
"Mmm, don't move," she mumbled, twisting against him, seeking his warmth.
He kissed her bare shoulder, then the top of her head. "It's getting cold, very cold. We were lucky with the weather today."
"You organised it."
He eased her up to sit, leaning her back against the pile of pillows he'd previously leant on.
"You sure you can manage it Commander?" She quipped as she pulled a jumper from her bag.
"How very droll Captain. Though I've kinda missed hearing you say 'commander' in that wicked way you have." He teased in return, remembering their brief period abandoned on a planet by the Kazon where his fire making skills were something of a joke. "I put it down to being under pressure."
"Oh, I don't know, it seems to me you perform admirably under pressure. And what do you mean, 'wicked'?"
He waved a lighter at her, "You know very well what I mean," before easily lighting the small fire.
"See how technology helps."
"I never doubt it."
"Do you have any socks?"
"Socks?" He asked amused, standing to stretch in the cool air.
"Yes, my feet are cold, I forgot to pack some."
"Well, you did seem to find packing something of a challenge. Here," he handed her across a spare pair. "They may be slightly large."
"I'll cope."
"You should dry your hair by the fire too." He said as he pulled on a sweater over his shirt. "And I'll just sit here and watch."
"Is this another fantasy?" She remarked, pulling on a pair of sweat pants.
"I told you I have many."
She was shaking her head, positioning herself so her back was to the fire and she could face him. "I'm not sure you really did much work on that ship."
"I worked damned hard I'll have you know, I had to in order to keep up with you. It was my down time where I had chance to just…" He waved his hand in the air. "You know."
"Fantasise." She was still shaking her head but laughing at the same time. "Do we have anything else to eat?"
"Yes, my mother packed us a few things." He handed her across a container. "I've never seen you with such an appetite."
"I'm happy; my mother says I always eat well when I'm happy. And this stuff is just delicious."
"I'm still holding out for Gretchen's caramel brownies."
"I'll be sure to ask her to make them ready for our visit. In fact as soon as we return to the shuttle and set off back I'll contact her about going over for a couple of days, if that's okay with you."
"I'd love it." He glanced around at the darkening night sky, "I should get the tent set up."
"I want to sleep out here, see the stars," she looked up, "wrapped together."
"We may freeze." He was stood now, looking down at her, so content by the fire, so very beautiful. "I'll make you a deal –,"
"Go on."
"I'll get the tent up, and we'll sleep out here unless it gets too cold, then we go in."
"Alright, seems fair. And I can enjoy one of my fantasies…"
"Oh?" He quirked an eyebrow at this, so far she'd hadn't even admitted to having any.
"Watching you complete manual labour whilst I sit here sipping champagne."
He shook his head, hauling the heavy Starfleet issue tent from its packaging, "Like Cleopatra."
She allowed him to brush her hair, it seemed such a small thing to her but it felt like she'd promised him the world when she said it.
"It's the intimacy," he explained as she sat in front of him, between his legs. "That's all."
"I understand."
"You want some more champagne, there's a little left?"
"No, in fact, I have something." She got up, moving to retrieve her bag from the tent. "In fact two things." This time she knelt in front of him, on top of the makeshift bed he'd put together. "First," she held up a container, "I actually brought hot chocolate."
"You brought hot chocolate?" He laughed taking it from her.
"Yes, I figured camping, hot chocolate, campfire, marshmallows – they all go together."
"They do. Perfect Kathryn." He sat forward twisting the lid on the container.
"No wait; I have something else for you."
"Hot chocolate and marshmallows aren't the two things?"
"They count as one. No, I have this for you." She hesitantly held out the small box towards him, balancing it on the palm of her hand, she may as well have presented him with an engagement ring. "I wanted to give it for its true meaning now. That I bind myself to you, I promise myself, my life, will always be entwined with yours." She felt a blush colouring her cheeks as she said the words, she never did find sharing her affections easy yet somehow Chakotay made it so, and it was real, and honest.
"Kathryn," he swallowed, mindful of the lump in his throat, the quickening of his pulse, the unbidden tears. "Thank you. I don't know what…"
"I wasn't sure when to give it to you, I've had it a while now, I wanted it to be the right moment."
"Do you realise how happy you've made me?"
She moved into his embrace, holding him close, "And you make me happy. A thousand times over."
She kissed him, the taste of salty tears on his lips. "Let's toast our marshmallows."
"I always melt them," he smiled, still gripping the box.
"Then I'll show you how to time it perfectly."
He moved to sit beside her by the fire, watching as she toasted marshmallows, the firelight on her face. She looked tranquil, it had been so long since he'd seen the expression, perhaps he never had, he couldn't quite recall, something similar perhaps – on New Earth when she'd accepted their fate, on Proxima station where she'd dozed in his arms, on the bridge when Admiral Paris' face had filled the view screen and she'd turned to look at him to share her joy.
"Pour the hot chocolate, these are almost done."
He did as she asked.
"You're impressed I can cook at least something without the need for a replicator."
"I'm sorry," he said suddenly, his voice clouded with emotion. "For Seven."
She jerked to face him, surprised by the statement, by the sudden turn of conversation.
"It was a mistake. You already know that. I was foolish and I… I regret that I wasn't by your side when we returned home."
"Chakotay," she reached for his hand, "it doesn't matter now. None of it does."
"Maybe not, but I wanted to say it, I needed to."
She nodded, they hadn't really spoken of his brief dalliance with the ex-Borg, somehow Kathryn had never felt comfortable asking and he certainly hadn't been comfortable telling. A mistake on his part, to think their opposite outlooks on life could come together; his spirituality, her cold certainty. Besides he'd realised many years ago that any woman would only ever receive half his love, half his affection, there'd always be Kathryn, her face hovering around in his mind at any given time or place. She'd occupied the place in his heart for so long she was like some root he couldn't remove, the best he could do was push it to one side and allow a small space for someone else to inhabit. It didn't work.
"I had no right to be… to feel… jealous. I hate using the word." She passed him across a marshmallow and reached for her cup, taking a drink of the sweet liquid to dispel the sudden harsh reality of their conversation.
He swallowed, voice low, "I didn't mean to hurt you Kathryn."
She touched his face, "You never could. I never asked you to wait, I don't have that right, it was just…"
"…Seven, I know, she's like a daughter."
"Is she?!"
"To you, you know that, she looks to you like a mother."
"I'm not that old." She said, trying to relieve the tension.
"You know what I mean."
She nodded, "It hurt because I always thought… hoped somehow that we'd wait for each other, even though we'd never promised to. It was different with holoprograms or passing…" she bit her lip, "…acquaintances. But this seemed more real, more permanent, and after Admiral Janeway spoke of marriage – the thought of you being married to somebody else. As much as I'd be happy for you."
"I know. It was the same fear I felt when we returned home and you met with Mark. What if your feelings for him were still there, what if his were for you, married or not."
"He's not that kind of man."
"I know that now."
"Besides," she stretched her legs out in front of her, they were beginning to cramp up from being knelt in the same position for so long, "my feelings for him had changed a long time ago, I could go through a thousand 'ifs' and wonder what might have happened but if I'm going to be honest with you – and myself – I have to admit that my affections shifted many years ago."
He allowed himself a smile and began to relax, moving to sit closer by her, his arm brushing hers as he drank.
"It scares me Chakotay, still. I told you before, his love was safe, your love isn't. It scared me on New Earth, it scared me in the weeks and months following, it scared me when I saw you with another woman, just how much I –,"
"I know, it scares me too. I'd never felt anything like it, meeting you, falling in love with you, so quickly, so intensely, at times it felt like I was being continually pummelled in the ring."
She cringed at that. That she knew was her fault.
"Then I'm sorry for all the times I pushed you away, made it difficult."
"No, you don't need to apologise for that now, none of it matters. We both made our choices, I told you on Proxima I tried many times over the years to change my feelings for you, and there may have been others, but it was always you, always, this deep, burning love under riding everything I did."
"I know I wouldn't have made it through in any kind of fit emotional state if it hadn't been for you, your friendship became the mainstay of my life, I clung onto it. Maybe that's why we work."
"Friends first."
"And I have the deepest respect for you Captain." She allowed herself a teasing smile.
He replied in kind, "And I you, Admiral."
She shivered and leant closer to him, "Time for bed I think," she whispered.
It was black around them now, apart from the orange glow of the fire, the scent of it filling the air around them.
Chakotay lay back on the make-shift bed, the heavy blankets covering him; Kathryn was still sat beside him squirming about beneath the sheets.
"What are you doing?"
"Removing my sweatpants," she said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
"Why? It's cold."
"I know," she huffed before pulling the article of clothing out from beneath the sheets and throwing them over to the tent. "But they aren't very… helpful."
"Helpful?" He smiled. "In what regard?"
She turned over to face him, resting on her belly, "You know what regard. And you ought to remove yours too."
"Oh?" He feigned innocence, "my legs will be cold."
She moved above him, kissing him deeply, "No they won't."
He felt her hand reach down to the drawstring on his pants. His arms were folded beneath his head and he closed his eyes enjoying the sensation of her cold hands skimming over his warm skin, how quickly and nimbly she removed the clothes. How her hands burrowed beneath the tops he wore, stroking his skin, shifting them aside so she could kiss his chest and belly, her hand all the time between his legs doing things he'd only dreamt of.
"Pinch me."
"Hmm…" she hummed against his skin.
"Kathryn Janeway's mouth is doing things to me, pinch me, check I'm awake."
She pinched his thigh.
"Ow! Kath –."
"You did say," she smirked, moving her face up to his. "I was just checking."
"Thanks." He rested his hands on her shoulders.
"Anytime."
She leant down touching her lips to his, gently at first, sweetly, until the familiar tightening in her stomach started to spread, and the divine tingling his touch brought swept across every inch of her skin.
His hands slid down her back, to her waist, her hips, and then he quickly lifted her body up and on top of his.
She laughed against his mouth, sometimes she forgot how strong he was, "Cheat," she whispered before resuming their kissing.
It wasn't long before he'd stripped her of her underwear again – she wondered why she'd bothered wearing it at all – and one hand was beneath her top and cupping her breast, his thumb stroking her nipple.
She was moaning into his mouth, nibbling on his lower lip, their lower bodies already moving together in that easy, natural rhythm they had.
"I love you," she mumbled between kisses, "so very, very much."
She moved slightly, the angle shifting so he could slide inside her, slowly, deliciously, and she delighted in the sound of her name coming from his lips as she moved above him, her hips eager to set the pace.
His hands were on her waist as she sat up, and when she tilted her head back she could see the stars, spread out in a beautiful blanket of darkness; guiding lights.
Snuggled together beneath the blankets, arms and legs tangled, mouths meeting in slow, reverent kisses, the hours passed by.
"I won't want to leave," she whispered by his mouth, despite there being no need to do so, who could hear them, "we've never been this completely alone."
"It's rather nice isn't it." He said in return, his tone matching hers. "Maybe we could just disappear, take to living in caves and relying on what food we can find."
"It's not going to work."
"I know, you'd miss coffee. I wonder what's at the top of your 'love' list – me or coffee."
"It's a tough call."
This time he pinched her.
"Hey, you did ask."
He was chuckling as he kissed her hair, bringing her head to rest on his chest.
"Warm enough?"
"Perfectly so."
"Fire's still going strong."
"In more ways than one. That's one of my fantasies done now, a real one."
"Oh?" suddenly his interest piqued.
"Making love to you beneath the stars."
"You thought about that before?" He asked gently, his hand stroking her back.
"Yes, once."
"Can I ask when?"
"A few years ago."
"That's all I'm getting?" He tilted his head forward to try and read her expression.
"That's all you're getting."
Content he let it drop and turned his attention up to the crystal clear night sky, his heart full, his head heavy.
"I'm glad the rain held off tonight," she said, "I wouldn't want to miss this. Chakotay…"
She drew back a little from his embrace to watch his face as he slept, "Goodnight," she whispered before lying down again, curled against his body. It wasn't long before she slept also.
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