ok here's chapter 1! this chapter deals with some heavy stuff such as cutting. having dealt with this problem myself, i felt that i needed to portray the condition accurately instead of stereotyping it. i hope i did a good job on that. any way, enjoy!
italics - the voice which takes the form of Paul aka Triple H
' ' - inner thoughts
Another rainy night. Dark, violent, empty. Ever since it happened, the sky hasn't stopped shedding tears. Mya Garcia sat alone in her apartment while flashes of lightning created eerie shadows on the walls around her. She couldn't help but wonder how her life had turned completely upside down. Everything was dark and hollow, just like her heart. She couldn't help but let a few tears drop over the one person she thought she could trust but ended up betraying her in the end. Love proved to be nothing but a joke, a cruel joke. All it did was slap her in the face.
'Shit, did he even care to begin with? Who in the hell's to blame here? God, could it have been me all along?'
Do you actually think he cared about you? Aw c'mon! He played you for a fool and you know it. Don't just sit there and lie to yourself. Besides, you only need me to take your pain away.
Confusion swept over her like a cold wave. "I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust any one again. I don't think I could take it," she said as her voice began to crack. Little did she know that her wish would come true. It would happen a lot sooner than she could ever imagine.
After another sleepless night, Mya decided to go for a walk in the park just to clear her mind. "Maybe some fresh air will do me some good," she said with little confidence. Looking at her reflection in the mirror made her sick. How she had become this frail looking woman was beyond her.
So weak and vulnerable. No wonder he left you. How can you live with yourself looking the way you do? Just look at your reminders.
She felt the familiar sting as she got dressed. Even though it was a little warm outside, she wore a sweater any way just to cover up her fragile form and her terrible secret. Just thinking about it made her feel even worse. 'How could any one love me when I do this to myself? At the pace I'm going, I'll probably end up dead. But do I really care?'
As she walked past the tall, dark trees she couldn't help but think about the man that broke her heart. 'And over what? A controlling attitude and his nosey ass dad! How could I be so stupid to fall for that shit? It's the oldest trick in the book for God's sake and me of all people fell for it. But who knew it would all be true and I'd end up being the loser in this twisted game.' "How could I be so stupid?"
She spotted a bench near by and decided that she needed to sit down. She could feel herself almost blacking out but tried to stay focused as she sat down. As she did so, she felt the tears welling up in her eyes again. The painful memories were just too much for her to hold back any longer. The poison began burning in her veins just begging for release but she fought the temptation. Her wounds, both old and new, began to ache as she let a few tears fall while putting her face in her trembling hands. She said out loud, "Why did this have to happen to me? What did I do to deserve this?"
"Hey honey, what's wrong?"
She looked up only to find that she was gazing into the brown eyes of a tall, dark and muscular man who was standing in front of her with a concerned look on his face. "Oh uh nothing," she finally said after wiping the tears from her eyes. She didn't know that anyone was looking at her the whole time and didn't really care any way. This stranger intrigued her especially by the way he was staring at her but she didn't think much of it. 'Why can't I just cry in peace for once? Just leave me alone already, damn.'
"Well you wouldn't be crying like that if it was just nothing. Did someone hurt you or something," he said while sitting next to her on the park bench.
'How does he know that? Did something give it away or am I just being paranoid?' She became very uncomfortable because she didn't know what his intentions might be and was afraid to find out. "How would you know that?" She couldn't help but feel very nervous as she awaited his answer.
"Well the only time I've seen a woman cry like that if she's been hurt by someone she held very close to her heart," said the stranger. He's even got charm. I like that but it won't last especially when he finds out our little secret. Definitely headed for heart ache ville again my friend. The stranger knew full well about what she was going through but she didn't know that nor did she care. 'She's way too beautiful to be crying like that. It was hard just to sit back and watch her suffer like this. I can tell she really needs to open up to someone or is she already too far gone?'
"Well I would love to sit here and chat with you but if you'll excuse me, I really have to go," she said while getting up and walking away from this stranger she just met.
He ran after her, obviously not ready to leave her alone yet. "Wait! I didn't catch your name." She turned around only to be startled by his dark brown eyes yet again. "My name is Mya. There you happy now?"
He couldn't help but laugh at that comment. "As a matter of fact I am very much so that I at least caught your name any way. Oh and before I forget, my name is Dwayne. I'm sorry I didn't introduce myself first, I hope I wasn't being rude," he said nervously.
"Well it's nice to meet you Dwayne," she replied while shaking his hand, "but I really have to go." As she turned around to leave, he put his hand on her shoulder only to have her jump and back away from him. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you. I'd like to ask you a question before you go. I know we just met and all but would you like to get a cup of coffee with me?"
Mya had to think for a second but this was the only way for him to leave her alone so she decided to go with him. 'You might as well go. Get the whole experience over and done with.'
"Ok I will and besides it's only fair," she said not really sure of what she was getting herself into. Dwayne just smiled, hooked her arm around his and they walked down the street together despite both being nervous as hell.
They went into this small coffee shop not too far from the park and sat down in this little table for two in the corner. After they placed their orders, Dwayne couldn't help but just stare at this rare beauty in front of him. 'How could a woman as beautiful as this be all alone? I had no idea that someone could look so fragile, so lost. Almost like a frightened child.' He kept looking at her while thinking about how strong she appeared yet he sensed the vulnerability and fear that lied deep within her.
Mya felt Dwayne's eyes burning into her. She tried not to meet his gaze which made her feel even more uncomfortable. Squirming like a worm. Nice first impression. She felt like a caged animal being studied and she wanted out fast. 'Why does he have to stare at me like that? I really wish he would stop and concentrate on something else for a change.'
After admiring her for a moment, he decided to speak up but she beat him to the punch. "So why did you feel compelled to stop and talk to me in the park," she said hoping that she would get an honest answer.
"Well I noticed how badly you were crying. I wanted to see what was wrong and if you were okay," he said while taking a sip of his coffee. "That's why I asked you because I was just curious and I wanted to see if I could help in any way."
This seemed to trouble Mya but she didn't give it much thought. You think too damn much. Problem #1. "I'm glad that someone actually cared," she said sarcastically.
"Well you should be glad. There's a lot more trust worthy people in this world. You just have to know where to look," he replied with a smile.
She didn't take that too lightly because she feared where this was going. "Let me guess. You're that trust worthy person I've been looking for, right?"
"You never know. I just might be," he said with that same warm smile on his face. "Well right now I don't know whom I can trust," she said knowing full well that her emotional scars had not completely healed yet. The only person you can trust is me. You don't need anyone else. Trust me on this one. Need I remind you?
Dwayne sensed that something was really bothering her so he decided to speak up and ask. "I really hate to ask you this question again and you don't have to answer if you don't want to but did someone hurt you?"
Mya froze as that question hit her hard yet again. She wanted to run away but she kept herself in check. 'What am I going to say to him? I can't lie about something as personal as this. Maybe it'll help me put some of it to rest if I do speak up and confess.' Go ahead. Confess your sins like a good little girl. "It's ok if you don't want to talk about it. I won't push you," he said while trying to read the expression on her pale face.
The more his eyes pierced into her, the more insecure she began to feel. 'How would he react if I told him my secret? He'd probably run just like everyone else has.' You're probably right about that one. Be prepared for the worst sweety. He's probably a liar just like the last one was. How soon we forget, huh? No wonder you need me so much. Who knows if you could survive on your own. She let out a sigh while hoping the tears wouldn't well up in her eyes. "No it's ok and besides it would probably do me some good if I did talk about it. Uh, this is something that I haven't spoken of in a long time."
'Of course the more I think about his haunting words, the more I wanna...' Dwayne stopped her and asked, "Are you sure you feel comfortable telling me this?" She snapped out of her trace. "No it's ok. It's no big deal really." She took a deep breath before she started.
"It happened about a year and a half ago. I met him through this friend of mine at work. After we started to get to know each other better, he seemed like a very nice guy or so I thought. Everything started going so well for us but alas all good things must come to an end, right?" Just stirring up these memories was practically ripping her apart inside but she kept herself together even though she wasn't doing a very good job. Good things don't happen to people like you. You're just a pathetic weakling who...
"Please go on," he said softly.
She cleared her throat and went on. "To skip all the drama, right before we were supposed to get married I found out from a friend that he was seeing his ex behind my back. Of course the news left me devastated and hurt beyond belief. I demanded answers so I confronted him about it. Of course he denied it right away, telling me that I was paranoid and said some pretty hurtful things to me so I slapped him in the face. He didn't take that too well unfortunately." This time the tears couldn't be stopped as one slid down her pale cheek. Dwayne picked up one of her trembling hands and placed it in his while gently massaging it just letting her know that she wasn't alone. "I know this must be hard for you. If you don't want to continue, I'll understand." She wiped the tear from her cheek and continued even though she was falling to pieces inside. Weakling! Look at you, confessing only a part of your burden in front of this stranger. You don't even deserve the happiness that you speak of. It wouldn't do you any good. "No I'll continue. Uh after I slapped him, he called me a bitch and punched me in the face. I hit the wall so hard I...I didn't have time to react." The pain became too much for her as she started to sob uncontrollably while shaking like a leaf.
Dwayne couldn't stand it any more so he got up, sat next to her and put his arms around her. He knew that this might not have been the right thing to do but he wanted to show her that he cared. She didn't know how to react since he did this so suddenly but at the moment, she didn't care. All she could do was cry on his shoulder. 'What the hell is wrong with me? There is no reason for me to be breaking down like this in front of a complete stranger. I hope he doesn't think I'm crazy.' You wanna bet? She could feel his arms gently squeeze her, letting her know that he was there and wasn't going any where. After what seemed like forever, she raised her tear stained face from his shoulder. He wiped her face with his two fingers at least drying some of her tears. She wanted to pull away but didn't have the strength to. "Are you okay," he said while she trembled slightly. She nodded her head yes. Liar. Just admit it to yourself already. Why waste your time pretending?
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, well you know," she said while collecting her thoughts.
"It's ok. I really don't mind. You just looked like you needed to let some of it go."
'If you only knew.' "Yeah I guess. It just hurts so you much, you know." If you really think he's gonna fall for this, you are so wrong. "I can only imagine sweety," he replied. "Listen if this is too much for you, then we can stop for now." Honestly you can tell him your whole life story if you want to. I guess he really does take you for a fool.
"No uh, I'll continue. It's ok really," she said really unsure if telling her story would trigger the darkness inside her. "Uh after I hit the wall, I fell to the ground and he started to hit me over and over again. I almost thought he was going to kill me. I didn't have time to scream since I was in so much pain. He even kicked me in the stomach a few times and started yelling at me to never touch him again. He also delivered a crushing blow when he said that I meant nothing to him. I was nothing more than his little play toy. Needless to say, he broke me. After what seemed like forever, he stopped. I struggled to get up but blacked out before I could get to my feet. I really don't remember who found me but the next day I woke up in the hospital with the horrible memory of what happened. Over time as the bruises healed and I was finally released, I shut everyone and everything out. I'm just a total wreck of a human being. I mean I trusted this man and he did that to me. That's why I don't talk to anyone because trusting them is the hard part since I'm so afraid of being hurt again."
Her blank stare is what seemed to trouble Dwayne. 'Maybe there's more to this story than meets the eye.' "So needless to say, you never heard from this jerk again, right?" She nodded her head, "No but I didn't really care any way. Why mourn the loss?" 'Why does she seem eerily calm about this? What did he do to her?'
"You know it's ok to feel sad about this. You really don't have to hide it from any one," he said while trying to read her emotionless face. Well well well. Look's like he does have a heart after all. "I didn't say I was hiding it. It just hurts beyond what words can express. I just really hate the flashbacks," she replied trying not to look him in the face. She knew her eyes would give her secret away.
"What flashbacks?" 'Oh shit I did say that out loud. Great how am I gonna explain that one?' Smooth move sweety. Real smooth.
Dwayne saw her become tense and nervous again so he decided to change the subject. "Mya I know this may not be the right question to ask right now but just give me an honest answer, ok?"
Startled by his sudden change of subject she replied, "Alright." You can feel it, can you? That familiar desire to, shall we say end this inner torment? To make this all go away. Might as well accept the fact that he won't want you after he finds out your terrible little secret. You know the one you are just so ashamed of. He'll just kick you to the curb just like the other one did. Please tell me if I'm getting warmer 'cause you appear to be getting lost in it, am I right? C'mon sweety. Just excuse yourself so you can get it over with. Do you hear me? DO IT! 'Back off, ok? I am not going to do it again. Do you hear me! I'm through with this shit. You have no power over me no matter what you think! LEAVE ME ALONE!'
"Mya!" That seemed to shake her from her thoughts.
"What?"
"Did you hear what I asked you?" 'Why did it have to happen now? DAMN IT! I can't take this any more.'
"No, I didn't. I'm sorry," she replied while only listening to half of what he was saying. She began to feel dizzy and very distant as Dwayne asked his question again. Look at you. You pathetic, piece of wasted space! No matter what you may think, you need me so don't even raise your voice to me. You made me so now you have to suffer the consequences.
"Mya, is everything alright?" This broke her concentration yet again.
"Uh, yeah. Everything is fine. Why do you ask?"
He sensed that she was getting very nervous and twitching slightly. 'She seems to be fighting with herself or am I just imagining things? Maybe I should ask her if she wants to stay with me even though it wouldn't be the best idea. She definitely looks like she needs someone to look after her.' "No particular reason. Just by watching you, I know you didn't hear what I asked you so I'll say it again. This may not be the best time to ask this since you are in a weakened state but, do you mind staying at my place tonight?"
This totally took her off guard since she was too busy arguing with that damn voice. "You don't have to answer me right away if you don't want to. Take as much time as you need and besides, I don't think I want to let you out of my sight." My my my. What a dilemma we have here. Let's see how you'll pass this one.
'Oh great. Now how am I gonna get out of this one? I thought I wasn't being that obvious. I really need to get out of here so I can have some room to breathe.' That's right Mya. Give into your urge to, well you know. Besides it'll make you feel a lot better.
"Well uh, just let me think about it first. I have to go to the bathroom any way. If you'll excuse me, I'll be right back," she said as she walked nervously to find the bathroom. 'Ok Mya. Get a grip on yourself. Just get this over with and you won't be so nervous. God I hate myself already.' She didn't have to walk far since it was close to where they were sitting. Pushing the door open with ease, she checked to see if any one else was in there before she put an end to the urge. Finding the nearest stall wasn't too hard but she made sure that she kept her ears open so she wouldn't get caught. She gently closed the door and locked it securely. She sat down on the toilet and looked through her purse for her weapon of destruction. Once she felt the cold handle, she silenced the darkness within her tortured soul. She rolled up the right sleeve of her sweater and began to release the poison from within. Everything began to flow like healing water as she floated into ecstasy. A sick smile crossed her face as the world around her melted away with the pain. Now doesn't that feel much better?
Meanwhile outside her destructive world, Dwayne waited patiently at the small table. 'I wonder what's taking her so long. She seemed preoccupied as she walked off. Hopefully there's nothing wrong. I hope she's ok in there.' He kept looking at his watch and it had been a while since she first entered. 'Alright that's it. I'm going in there to check on her. Something is definitely not right.' He made his way to the door and just when he was about to open it, Mya appeared.
"Whoa. Sorry I was about to come in there and check on you. Are you ok?"
"Uh yeah. I'm fine. All better now. No need to worry about little ol' me," she said in an eerily calm voice.
"Ok just thought I'd check that's all. I was a little worried," he said really unsure of what had happened in there.
With each agonizing step, Mya felt even worse knowing that she gave into temptation but also felt relieved that all the madness had stopped. 'I can't believe I did that especially in front of him. He probably already thinks I'm nuts even though he won't come out and admit it. I guess I am pathetic.' Aww boo freakin' hoo my sweet pet. The truth is usually harder to handle than how you live your life. Admit it already so we can both be happy. The familiar sting took her mind off of her grief but that would only be temporary as it always is. Her arm would be killing her in the morning but she didn't care. Just scars upon scars that's all. Only a minor set back from the endless chaos that was going on inside her tortured soul.
Dwayne sensed that Mya's attitude had changed dramatically since she left so abruptly. She seemed more relaxed and focused. 'I wonder how she changed so quickly. Maybe with her staying with me is a good idea after all. Even though she hasn't mentioned it yet, she looks like she may need some help.' "So have you thought about what I asked?"
Her eyes seem to shift back and forth even though she didn't meet his gaze. "Yes I have. You're right. It would be a good idea if I stayed with you for the night. I don't trust myself especially in this condition," she said knowing that she didn't want her secret to be revealed. Worry worry worry. All you do is worry about it but no one has found out yet but oh the consequences of it all just puts a smile on my face. Do you actually think that you can overcome this? Oh sweety you are sadly mistaken. I almost feel sorry for you.
"Ok then. Are you ready to leave," he said while still thinking about what was wrong with her.
It took almost all her strength to lift her head and look into his eyes. "Yeah I'm ready and besides I'm a little tired especially from the day I've had."
Dwayne couldn't help but smile at her. "Yeah I know the feeling. Let's go then sweety," he replied while letting her wrap one of her arms around his. Aw look at you two. Almost makes me feel sorry for the poor fool especially when he finds out who you really are and of course what you do to yourself. I bet he'll be so confused and angry. Lord have mercy. And you'll end up right where you were. Totally alone...
As they walked outside to catch a cab, Mya couldn't help but look at Dwayne while he held her sore arm in his gentle grasp. 'If he only knew about what I do to myself. He probably wouldn't accept it and leave. Why did I even bother to agree to stay with him? Since I made my bed, I guess I'll have to lie in it unfortunately. God I feel stupid already.' Already sabotaging it, aren't we? I guess some things never change.
"So do you live alone or are you involved with someone," she asked as a cab pulled up to where they were standing.
He had to crack a smile at her question but gladly answered it as he opened the door for her. "Actually I live alone. I prefer it that way since I don't get out much. How bout yourself?"
Mya became uneasy again as he sat next to her in the back seat. "Well I live alone too. It's much easier when you just have yourself to take care of. That's what I think any way," she replied as her mind wandered.
'I could sympathize with her. I know how hard it can be.' "Nothing wrong with that. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I respect that the most even though sometimes I don't have to like it."
"I definitely know what you mean. I usually keep to myself because I'm always judged by what I say or think. I'm a very hard person to understand. Call it a gift or a curse."
"Why would you say that," Dwayne replied while he studied her pale face.
"I've known for a long time that I'm...different. I say things differently and when it comes to a certain topics, I always have to speak my mind or I used to any way." Yeah yeah yeah. Cry me a river, will ya?
His eyes softened a bit. "You seem like you have your head in the right spot. I've never met anyone who's quite as unique as you. You're a very rare find sweety," he said with a smile.
'Lord he needs to quit smiling at me like that. If he keeps on doing it, I'll probably confess the world by the end of the night.' Oh really? Well you might as well get it over with. "Wow I've never had anyone tell me that before."
He slowly reached for her hand and gently held it. "Why deny the truth when it's right in front of you?"
She couldn't help but smile at his cute remark. 'Good question Dwayne, good question.' "You look cute when you smile," Dwayne said while still holding Mya's small hand.
"I was about to tell you the same thing but cute is not the word I was looking for," she replied while she could feel the warmth from Dwayne's hand.
"What word where you looking for then if I may ask?" He lifted an eyebrow in curiousity.
"Well uh..." She could feel her cheeks grow hot.
"I'm only kidding sweety. I just wanted to see how you'd react." He laughed to himself.
"Thanks. Any way, the word I was looking for was nice." She tried to look serious but smiled instead.
"I'm flattered. Thanks." He winked at her.
"You're very welcome sir," she said while trying not to smirk. 'Maybe things are looking up for after all.'
