~~~~

The graduation went beautifully. The students all in dark cap and gown paraded up to shake hands and take the next step in life. Jackson he hugged more than one student, been thanked by a few parents. The principle had shown his regret that Jackson was leaving their district. Jackson had sat with the other teachers and had been able to restrain his anger against Mr. Lahey thinking one thing. We're free.

Jackson had already packed, his home was empty save for larger furniture. He could replace most of the heavier things. In fact, he'd mapped the nearest furniture stores so he and Isaac could go shopping together. Everything was working out fine.

Jackson leaned against his sporty little Maserati. Isaac should be here any second. He was going to come the minute he could get away from his father. Isaac's bag was passed along to him before the ceremony so all that was left was the curly haired boy.

He waited, checking his watch. Five minutes late. A bubble of fear rose before Jackson shook it away. Five minutes was nothing. Someone wanting to talk to Isaac after the cap throw, a shoelace coming undone, or missing the signal to cross the street all could have caused five minutes.

10 minutes late and Jackson started pacing. Maybe Isaac forgot something, had to make a run home. Maybe a teacher caught him going the wrong way and he had to double back to the school. Jackson's hands opened and closed as he listened for any sound. Not a single car passed, no footfalls came on the pavement, and no heartbeat but his own could be heard. Where was Isaac?

At 15 minutes he called. It was only for an emergency that Jackson would dare use Isaac's phone. The first ring reminded him to control his breathing. At the second he monitored his racing heart. At the third his fist hit the side of his car. The voicemail left him choked up, unable to speak a word.

It was 30 minutes past and he was driving. Maybe Isaac had turned down the wrong street, maybe he was caught up and unable to get away. Maybe his father... Jackson tried to push that worry down.

He circled the school, the students were gone and only the field showed evidence of the joyous celebration of the afternoon. Isaac was nowhere to be found. His locker was empty. Everything looked how it should... except Isaac was gone.

He called again and this time someone picked up and then hung it up again. Jackson peeled out of the school parking lot. He dialed 911. He spoke in rapid angry bursts demanding they get an ambulance out to Isaac's address. He arrived first, storming straight into the house. It was deathly quiet. There was shattered glass from a bottle across the floor, some of the shards glinted with red. Jackson's heart stopped. He was too late.

~~~

It took him a while to realize someone was in the house. His father, of course. He could hear the footsteps muffled by the freezer. Isaac let his head drop on the wall. The impromptu bandage he made from his shirt was soaking through, the sleeve wrapped around his arm did little to tame the bleeding. He was dying. He could feel it. With every moment, every second, every drop of hot blood sliding from his cut off elbow on his jeans. It wasn't nearly as painful as Isaac imagined. Or maybe it was too late for him to feel anything. He never should have let himself to feel and dream and want. That wasn't for boys like him.

~~~

There was so much blood. Jackson shook as his eyes found it everywhere. It was all over a table-saw in the basement and smeared across the ground until it painted the side of a freezer... with locks on it. Oh, no.

"Isaac!" He fumbled with the lock, finding the metal unmovable under his hands. "FUCK!"

Jackson turned, searching the walls of the basement for anything he could use. He yanked at a rusted axe on the wall and swung it. The metal shot sparks from each strike, until finally the chain broke. He threw the axe away and pulled the freezer open.

Strong hands grabbed him and hefted from the small space. More? No, he couldn't handle more. "Please, no," Isaac stuttered. "Leave me alone." He cried as all strength left his body and he slumped into the man's body. He just wanted it all to end.

"Oh, God." Jackson's voice trembled as he saw Isaac's missing limb. "Oh, God, no..."

There was noise from above, voices calling out.

"DOWN HERE. Ambulance, please! Oh God, Isaac stay with me. Baby, please." Jackson shook as he held the boy

Strangers took his lover from his arms and put on a stretcher. He was whisked away in a moment and soon Jackson was pressed into a police car. They were following the ambulance. Jackson hadn't prayed harder in his life than he did through the hours in the hospital, through his statement to the cops, through the terrible moment of washing himself of Isaac's blood where it had dried on his arms.

~~~

Isaac blinked and turned his head away from the annoying stray of light. He cleared his throat, wincing at how dry it felt, and opened his eyes. The room wasn't his. Huh. Afterlife looked boring and sterile.

Jackson was asleep in the chair beside Isaac. They had tried to stop him. He wouldn't budge and he had attempted to lay outside the door. Finally Sheriff vouched for him after taking another statement and informing him that Mr. Lahey was in prison awaiting trail with no hope of bail.

"Jackson?" Isaac whispered and coughed when his throat rebelled against the words. "What are you doing here?" He asked trying to understand what happened through the haze of medications.

"Isaac..." He scrambled to the bedside. "You're awake. Thank God."

"We shouldn't be seen together, sir," Isaac muttered.

"Shh. It's fine right now. You just rest. I'm not leaving you." Jackson's hand pet Isaac's curls from his face.

Isaac reached to him, wanting to hide between the man's arms and believe everything will be better. Except... he couldn't. "Oh god," Isaac looked at the stump. "It really happened." Tears slid down his cheek. "I'm so sorry," Isaac cried looking up at Jackson.

"Shh, shh. I have you. It's fine. I have you." He held Isaac close, a tear falling down his cheek as Isaac noticed the missing forearm. "Shh."

Isaac shook in the embrace as his monitors got louder and louder. "I'm s-sorry," he chanted clenching Jackson's shirt with his one hand until a nurse rushed into the room and pried Jackson away.

"Sir, I need to ask you to leave," she said calmly before pressing at Isaac's shoulders to keep him down while the other woman injected sedative into the boy's vein. "You were told the patient can't be exposed to distress out of risk of breaking his stitches."

"He woke up. His arm is gone and he woke up. How the fuck am I supposed to keep him from being stressed?!" Jackson growled at the nurse. Well, he was going to get thrown out again... Great.

"You could've call a staff member as soon as he came back from coma. Please, don't make me call security on you. You know you shouldn't be here at all," she said in the same unaffected voice.

"He needs someone! No one else is here because his own father tried to kill him. A fine vote of confidence in his biological family that is." He growled but threw up his hands at her stern face. "How long will he be out?"

"At least three hours," the other nurse answered. "Mr Whittemore... I know it sounds harsh, but by being here you're not helping him recover. He needs to rest. Please, come back tomorrow."

Jackson was about to snap at her again before hearing her return invitation. "That sounds wise... Can I bring him back... anything?"

"Maybe basic personal belongings, he won't need much else for a while." The nurse smiled at him and walked out of the room after her colleague.

~~~~

Isaac laid in his bed, idly observing the tree out side the window, branches and leaves moving with the wind. It was calming. He heard the door open and close, followed by soft footsteps that lead to his bedside. He didn't turn his head to see who it was. He didn't have too. "I'm sorry for yesterday," he said quietly.

"I'm just glad you weren't alone." Jackson hovered, restraining himself. "I smuggled in some real food."

Isaac closed his eyes and didn't say anything for a long while. Finally, he turned to Jackson. "I think it'd be the best if you leave."

"What? Isaac?" Jackson stared. "Why?"

"Please, don't make this harder for both of us," Isaac said calmly. "I understand, there's no point in pretending you're still into me or anything."

"Isaac, I'm happy you're alive enough to try to shove me away. I thought I had lost you. Stop this nonsense and come here."

"No!" Isaac snapped. "Don't you get it?! I'm defective. I'll never be like the guy you knew. Maybe now you're driven by guilt or pity or whatever, but trust me, it's going to wear off and you're going to be left with regrets. I can't deal with that," Isaac's voice broke. "I just... please, leave me now, it's going to be easier for both of us."

"Tough. I'm not leaving so shut it with that bullshit."

Isaac frowned. "Fine. Then I'm going to ignore you until you go away." He turned his head back to the window hoping the man won't see how close he was to crying.

"Fine. I'm still going to sit here. Watching you."

"Don't you have something better to do? Like moving in to you new house?" Isaac's voice cracked by the end of sentence. He cleared his throat to mask it. "Or are you staying after all?"

"No point moving in if you're not there to help me. How am I going to be able to make it look like a home instead of a magazine clipping?" Jackson desperately wanted to hold Isaac.

Isaac brushed the tears with top of his hand. "I'd be of no use there anyway."

"I'm not leaving you here. I want you with me and as soon as you're well we are going. We'll find you a rehab center near the new place. We'll be fine." Jackson moved closer. "Please, look at me."

Isaac turned his face to the man. "I'm giving you the last chance. You don't love me. Turn around and walk away. If you stay and then leave me when this," he raised the stump for a moment, "becomes too much for you to handle, I'm going to hate you for it."

Jackson sucked in a breath as he was presented with the loss. If Isaac had been anyone, some one night stand, Jackson would have turned away. He could have never imagined himself wanting to deal with anyone with a disability. Hell, he knows the vitriol that would have poured from him at even the suggestion he become someone's nursemaid. That was before Isaac.

"I'm not leaving you. You're alive, that's enough for me."

Isaac's lips quivered before he took a deep breath and let it out slowly, forcing his body to relax. "What are you waiting for, come here," he said with a faint smile.

Jackson tried not to rush the pale boy. His arms wrapped around Isaac's lower back and he pressed his face to Isaac's neck. "Baby, I'm not leaving."

Isaac rested his hand on the man's head and caressed him slowly, still not believing his intentions but needing the contact. "He found the envelope with real estate listing," he said after a moment.

"Fuck. I should have never given it to you. I should have taken it back once I showed you." The guilt pounded in his chest.

"Stop it. It's not your fault. I was... reckless, already living in the dream, not paying attention. He could sense something was up from my behaviour alone." Isaac brushed a kiss on Jackson's cheek.

"He can't hurt you anymore. He's locked up. You're safe, alright?" Jackson felt like he was the one being comforted.

"I know, Sheriff Stilinski came by yesterday," Isaac's hand petted his head. "I guess I caused quite the scandal in this shit town. Now all neighbours can give interviews to the press or maybe even TV and cry about how we were such a calm, friendly family and how nothing ever suggested the poor boy was being thrown against walls or had scolding water poured on him. They of course will forget to add about those times I screamed and my father yelled and no one turned a head."

"We'll get you out of here. No one is going to know about it and you won't have to deal with their questions or comments. Fuck their opinion and fuck their silence." Jackson growled at the idea of people hearing Isaac's pain and doing nothing.

Isaac gave out a breathy bitter laugh. "I'm pretty sure I'll never escape questions and comments about my state." His hand slid on Jackson's back, simply hugging the man to him. "But I... want to escape this place. I can't even think of coming back to my house. I just can't."

"No. You don't have to go back there. The sheriff probably roped it off for the investigation." Jackson's hands spread along Isaac's back. "You can stay with me once they release you from the hospital."

"Thank you," Isaac murmured. "It won't be too long, you know. They don't have much to do now. I just have to heal."

"Sure. You just focus on that. I'll be here. School's out so I can come every day."

Isaac's mood darkened again. They have little in common. Nothing to talk about. How was this going to work out? Jackson didn't make it a secret he liked him for his body. They had a silent understanding that Isaac will pay his rent in bed. He didn't think he could do it now. He wasn't able to even picture having sex in this condition, just as he wasn't able to imagine going to a party or movies without being bothered and stared at. His disability and the things he went through were always going to stand between him and other people.

He wondered at first why his father did this, why he chose to punish him this way, but now it all made sense. It was the best way he could still control Isaac's life, even from jail, even from behind his grave.

"I'm... tired, Jackson," Isaac whispered.

"Then you should sleep." He guided Isaac back toward the bed and tucked the sheets around his lover. "I'll be here when you wake up."

Isaac smiled sadly. "I know you will." Even if you don't want to. "Bring me some real food meanwhile," he let his lip twitch in a resemblance of a real smile.

"Burgers and curly fries it is." He leaned over Isaac and kissed his lips ever so softly.

He didn't have much choice. Isaac knew he couldn't deal with coming back home and searching his mother's family would be a pain in the ass. He wasn't sure if they let him stay with them anyway. He closed his eyes realizing he needed to keep Jackson interested no matter the cost. "Now let me rest, Mister. The sooner I get out of here, the faster we get to move in to our new house," he said swallowing his pride and winked.

-

The house was beautiful. It had a white picket fence and a huge kitchen. The summer was spent picking out furniture and drapes. Jackson didn't like manual labor and had professionals install just about everything. Of course Jackson was also keeping Isaac from trying to exert himself. He was laying out with ice tea doing a hard day's labor watching people paint his house.

Isaac sat beside him, holding a glass with the same beverage. It took him a while to get used to using left hand, since he was born right-handed. Now he managed to perform just about any basic action without spilling, dropping and breaking things.

"I see you're busy," he teased. He asked Jackson many times if there was anything he could do around the house and was met with refusal each time. It just proved how useless he appeared.

"Management is a key role. Come, join me. Direct them. Just like the living room where you figured out the position of the T.V. so the setting sun wouldn't make the screen all hazy."

"Yeah, that's the most complicated task I can be given," Isaac murmured, bitter. He caught himself quickly. There was no point in making Jackson uncomfortable. It was actually threatening his position. "Although," he forced himself to smirk. "I could think of other things I could take care of."

Jackson heard the bitter little comment. He didn't have an answer that would help. Instead he turned toward the positive topic. "Oh? And what would that be?"

"I think you have an idea," Isaac leaned in licking his lips.

Jackson's eyebrows went right up into his hairline. "Naughty, and in front of the help."

"You're right, we should go upstairs." Isaac stood up and put his glass down on the table. He threw Jackson a look over his shoulder, sure the man will follow.

Jackson grinned wide and immediately followed. If there was one thing the incident hadn't changed it was Isaac's sex drive. In fact it might have increased it. They hadn't even a fulled set up bed before he was being jumped and pawed at.

Isaac took Jackson's hand in his, leading them to the main bedroom. Funny how things turn up sometimes. He used to daydream about sharing a bed -and life- with this man but now the thought of it sent nothing more but a shudder of disgust through his body. He could barely look at himself in the mirror, and Jackson made him feel exposed like no reflecting glass could. He tugged at the shirt, pulling it off his deformed body and pressed to Jackson, catching his lips in a kiss. First time after the accident was the worst. But he learned to close his mind and ban all thoughts since then. His hand sneaked down to the man's zipper, tracing it with deft fingers. "Do you think the workers will mind if we get loud?" He asked with a sly smile, hoping Jackson will agree to keep things quiet. He couldn't imagine looking those men in the eyes without blushing furiously if they were to overhear them.

"I'll add a little money into their pockets and they can listen to anything we want." Jackson arched under Isaac's tender ministration. "You're beautiful."

Isaac tensed. He had to go slow then. His eyes closed at the empty praise and he sealed his lips over Jackson's neck. He kissed a path up the man's throat and bit the earlobe gently. "Money won't buy you everything, babe," he said, aiming at playful teasing tone, but the familiar tang of regret slid in as well.

"No..." He pet a hand over Isaac's hair and down his neck on the side with the missing arm. All the money in the world couldn't have helped stop what happened to Isaac. A note of sadness played across his face as his hand moved from his neck over his shoulder cap. "There are some things you can't buy..."

Isaac suppressed the urge to flinch. He hated when people touched his arm, emphasizing the loss. "I spoilt the mood, didn't I?" He asked, threading finger's through Jackson's hair. One would think he'd be a good actor after all these years spent with his father, the best trainer you could get. But apparently not. Isaac figured he didn't have much artistic talent. "Stop sulking and get off these clothes," he slapped Jackson's butt, waiting for him to get on his four on the bed. It was one of few positions Isaac felt remotely comfortable having sex in. He told Jackson it was easier to balance himself when he could just grab his shoulder. But not being forced to face the man was definitely a major plus.

"Not at all." Jackson pushed up to catch Isaac's mouth to try to recapture the playful moment. He smiled a little and turned over. He wanted to help Isaac be comfortable in any way possible, so the change in position was the least he could do. He pulled off his shirt and started to unbuckle his belt. "Enjoying the view back there?"

Isaac brushed his hand over the muscled back. "You know I do. And you don't need to hear it, your ego is already close to exploding," he pinched the newly revealed ass cheek.

"You like me just like that. Ego and all." He shook his ass at Isaac. "You going to get in me, baby?"

"Can't wait," Isaac said softly, stretching the man with his fingers. "Just a moment." He rubbed at his face. This was not the time to have problems with performing. He was 18, dammit. "Just making sure you're ready for me," Isaac brushed a kiss over Jackson's back, jerking himself off fast.

Jackson noticed the motion in the corner of his eye. "Let me help with that." He hadn't been allowed to touch Isaac since they moved here. He was allowed to kiss, but anytime his hands strayed below the neck Isaac changed the topic or focus back to Jackson. He started to turn around.

"No!" Isaac pushed at him so hard the man dropped face first on the bed. "I'm sorry," he stared in shock. "I'm so sorry. I'll be ready in just a minute," his nervous smile played on his lips. "Just relax, I'm s-sorry."

"Isaac, why? Just let me make love to you." Jackson begged as he shifted up from his fallen position. "Come here, baby."

Isaac shivered and flinched away. Oh god, he was messing everything up. "It's all fine, Jackson, why are you making a problem out of this?" He snapped.

"Because my lover shouldn't flinch when I try to touch him." Jackson growled right back.

"I'm not flinching, I'm fine!" Isaac raised his voice. "Just get on your hands and knees."

"Are you even enjoying this? You used to love me touching you and marking your body as mine." Jackson wasn't trying to raise his voice any further but up it went.

Isaac grit his teeth. Why everything had to be so hard. He took a deep breath. "I wouldn't be here if I didn't enjoy it, now would I?" He asked calmly, smiling sweetly. "Come on. I want to fuck you, you're wasting time."

Jackson didn't like the tone. It was like he was being placated. Like Isaac thought he was going to get worse. "Not today."

Isaac's face fell. "What do you mean?" He reached to pet Jackson's hips. "I know you want to." His smile was back and Isaac hoped it looked real.

"'Not today." Jackson repeated and rolled off the bed. He felt violated, watching Isaac's face ring false. "I want you, but I want all of you."

Fuck, this is what you get for being a drama queen. Of course now Jackson was completely turned off an idea of being with him. "You- you have all of me," Isaac tried meekly. "I don't know what else I can do." To deserve to stay.

"Isaac... You don't let me touch you. Any tiny conflict we have you turn into sex. I feel like you're walking on eggshells to please me and I don't get it." Jackson grabbed his pants off the floor.

"You can touch me!" He clung to the tiny hope that this day wasn't a utter disaster. "Come here, you can touch me as much as you want," he chuckled trying to play it off as Jackson's misunderstanding. The man was reading him like an open book. But if so... Did it mean he understood everything Isaac was going through and simply allowed it...? Isaac squished the anger. There were more important things to deal with. Just when he thought he was set up for a nice peaceful living, so shortly before the house was supposed to finished being renovated... he was going to be pushed aside. "Please..."

Jackson pressed his own lips together as he watched. He reached a hand forward. He traced Isaac's lips with his fingertips before tracing down over Isaac's Adam's apple. "You are so lovely, Baby."

Isaac smiled, relaxing visibly. He kissed the inside of Jackson's wrist. "Then come down here and show me how lovely you think I am," he whispered not wanting to think of what was going to come next.

"Lay down on your back." He let Isaac lower himself down, not wanting to force him off balance. Once Isaac was positioned he leaned down to press a kiss to the center of his chest.

Isaac tried to calm down his rapidly beating heart but it was impossible without looking suspicious. He pressed a hand on Jackson's shoulder to force him down. If they could just get down to it maybe he would get his mind in the game.

Jackson tried not to sigh at the push. He kissed his way down, but his mouth covered Isaac's length far faster than he would have liked. He still licked.

Isaac closed his eyes trying to enjoy the sensation. His dick didn't share the urge to, apparently. He cursed and focused on imagining anything that could help him get up.

Jackson did his best, teasing licks and gentle suckling on his manhood and on the sensitive skin of Isaac's thighs brought little result. He sighed, his breath ghosting out along the skin. He moved upward, kissing over Isaac's hips bone, taking his time to enjoy the skin he found there.

Isaac covered his eyes with his hand. The touch he once so craved now seemed unbearable. He was useless. "I'm sorry..." He whispered before turning on his side and bringing knees to his chest. He laid like that, face still hidden waiting for Jackson to take his frustration out on him and leave.

Jackson didn't know what to do. It had been so easy between them before. He'd craved Isaac's touch and passion. The sight of the curled boy was enough to break his heart. "It's okay. I shouldn't have pushed."

"You didn't. It's me. I can't keep up my end of the bargain," Isaac said numbly. Seeing Jackson's expression, he added, "Don't act surprised. I know why I'm here." He sighed. "Every time I asked if there's anything I can do to repay for your kindness, you'd say that I "can do it in the bedroom", or something of this nature. At first I thought you were being playful, but after the... accident, I realized, you really don't have any other reason to keep me. You won't let me do anything around the house, fuck, I can't do anything around the house, I can't even cook or be your housekeeper like we originally planned. And now you know I can't do this either. I'm sorry."

"You think you're paying to live with me by having sex with me?" The older man couldn't quite understand unless he spoke the words out-loud. Once they were out they felt like bleach burning his skin. "I was joking. Of course I was joking. You're not my live-in whore. I don't expect you to... Isaac, I wanted to get you safe. If you don't want sex then we can rearrange the office and make it a bedroom for just you."

Isaac turned on his back staring up at the man with teary eyes. "You were...?" He sniffed and wiped the wetness off his cheeks. "But why would you care for me? Why do you want me? Just wh-why would you..." Isaac cleared his throat to get rid of the tightness. He turned his head to the window. "See? I'm screwed up. I-I've always been, but what happen in May... it really screwed me up. Half of me awaits until you get bored with me and the other half expect you to finally snap and beat the shit out of me for turning your life upside down." Isaac risked looking at the man. "I want to feel different but I can't. Like I want you to touch me but the thought of it makes me so disgusted with myself I just... can't."

"You don't owe me anything. I don't want you forcing yourself to let me touch you. Isaac, I care about you. I restructured my life to make sure you were safe and happy. Because... well, because I want to. Because something in your eyes and your face makes me want to see it every day." He pressed his lips together as his jaw worked. "We should find you some help."

Isaac was quiet for a moment, thinking the words through. "Can you just hold me for now?" He whispered.

Jackson nodded. He laid himself down on the bed, settling in before opening his arms. He settled the boy's body against his and soaked in the simple fact that Isaac was alive. "Anything you want."

"I want my arm back," Isaac murmured snuggling into the other man and inhaling his scent.

Jackson clutched his boy closer to his body. He wanted to fix it all, make everything perfect as possible. But he couldn't regrow Isaac's arm and he couldn't wash away the weight of Isaac's father over their new life. "I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for," Isaac smiled into his skin. "I should apologize for being dishonest." After a moment of thought he added quietly. "You can... see other people if you want."

Jackson pet Isaac's curls, trying to think over the offer. He didn't want to take other lovers, but was this going to work? Jackson didn't have any illusions about his own control. The fact he'd slept with a student was evidence enough. Could he function without any sex? Isaac was offering to give him permission. Not that they had discussed what their status was before they moved.

"I'm not going to date. I.. I might hook up for a one-night stand. Are you sure that's okay?"

Isaac swallowed down the urge to say no. As if he had any right to decide what Jackson does with his free time. "Of course it is. Just be safe."

"I will be." Jackson shifted under the weight of their conversation. This was better. This was reasonable. They could both get their needs met. Why did he feel like he just made a huge mistake?

~~~

Jackson lasted another three months. They slept in the same bed, they ate together, and generally lived well enough. Isaac was learning to cook with one hand. The physical therapist had fit Isaac with a prosthetic hand with a clever little magnet in the palm. Jackson had bought a set of magnetic cups and spatulas for 'Christmas'. So what if it was October.

The tension crawled over Jackson's spine, pressed at his concentration and drove him to distraction. Everything Isaac did seemed designed to frustrate him. Every time he bent over to look in the stove, the way he danced when his radio played, the giggle that split the air when they watched Whose Line Is It Anyway reruns. Everything sent Jackson's cock to painful hardness. He'd kept his hands to himself... barely.

"Hey, Curls." He hummed affectionately as he kissed Isaac's cheek. Isaac was cleaning up the table from lunch. Jackson was improving at not coddling his lover. "You remember what we talked about a few months ago?"

"Why yes," Isaac grinned. "I remember but every words that passes between us." He rolled his eyes dumping dirty dishes into the sink. "It'd help if you'd say which particular conversation am I supposed to recall," he came up to the man and wrapped his arm around his waist.

Jackson snorted. That was another thing he adored. Isaac had started to tease him again. It only made his desires worse. He wanted to kiss that smirk and press his hips into Isaac's as response. Fuck, Jackson focus! "About sex. Me finding a one-night stand."

"Oh..." Isaac's smile slid from his face for a moment. "Have you found someone you'd like?" He pressed a brief kiss to his lips.

"No. I just am... tense." He emphasized by shifting his cock, trying to calm the ache. "I just need a quick one-off. I'm not looking for a lover. You know that, right? You're the one I live with, my Constant."

Isaac smiled and he almost meant it. "Of course I know that. Have fun with hunting down the lucky guy," he said before moving to wash the dishes.

"Would it make you feel better if it was a girl? I go for either." He tried to ease the pressure settling on his stomach. Isaac was fine with it. He suggested it. Jackson shouldn't feel guilty.

"Whatever you want, Jackson," Isaac said without turning. "I told you I don't mind it." His hand stopped cleaning and he added. "Well, to be honest I am scared about something happening to you. I never understood the appeal of going into some stranger's apartment in the middle of the night," he looked at the older man. "But you know what you're doing so... I'll just try not to freak out if you won't pick up one of my every-five-minutes calls," he grinned.

Jackson chuckled and pressed a kiss to Isaac's lips. "I'll stay safe. I have you to come home to after all."

~~~

The club was all low lighting and flashing lights. The music thumped with a base only meant for sex. It was perfect for what Jackson craved. He watched bodies of all kinds of pleasing shapes rub and arch against each other on the dance floor before him. More bodies were grinding in the booths curling around the edges. Jackson could find himself a little release in no time. He just needed a partner.

She dropped on the stool beside him and ordered a beer. Her eyes swept over his body and left it to scan the dance floor. Bottle in hand, she sighed and spoke up. "The music is getting shittier and shittier around here."

"I wouldn't know. It's my first time." Jackson eyed the blond beside him and graced her with one of his 'everyone's type' grins. "I like the views however."

"Aren't you a little too old for first times?" Her smirk fled when she took a sip of the alcohol. Blood colored lipstick stood intact even after her tongue slid over her upper lip.

"New city." He figured it was technically true. "How about I get you on the dance floor? Or back to my porsche if you like cutting to the chase."

The woman laughed throwing her head back. "You are very confident. And succinct." She looked at him amused.

"I aim to please. So, Beautiful, are you here with a flock of girls or can I abscond with you?" He licked his lips at her.

Her eyes followed the movement. "I like the latter option very much. Just let me find my boyfriend, I'll tell him we're leaving."

"Your... boyfriend?" Jackson smiled wider. "Does he want to join us? I could go for two."

She raised her eyebrow. This wasn't the most common reaction she got to the standard line. "I can ask him, but I doubt it. Boyd hunted down some pretty little thing a while ago."

"Swingers. Hot." Jackson smirked and finished off his drink. "I'll be right here, Beautiful."

"You better be," she winked and disappeared between dancing couples.

~~~

The hotel was nice enough, nothing too up-scale, but it didn't need to be. The linens were clean, the bathroom was stocked with towels, and it was quiet. Jackson opened the door for her and dropped his jacket onto the chair. "So Erika, you and the boyfriend switch partners often?"

She pulled her leather vest off and the thing joined Jackson's piece of clothing. "Depends. Each can go out and find some one-night-stand whenever, but we like doing it together. She laid down on the bed, resting on her elbows. Which, I know, sounds a little contradicting since the whole thing started because we realized we crowd each other too much." She toed off her shoes. "So the answer would be 'when we both have a clear schedule and will'," she grinned. "Why, are you thinking of proposing this to your... partner?" She asked innocently.

"We already have an arrangement." He shucked off his shirt. "How do you two keep from jealousy?"

Erica dropped back on the bed, unzipped her jeans and tugged them down. "We trust each other," she shrugged as if it was obvious. "This is just about sex, variety, adventure. We're not... cheating on each other. There's no place for jealousy."

"Yeah..." Jackson unzipped his pants to try to ignore the churning in his gut. He moved over toward the bed to sit beside her. He pressed a kiss to her neck, trying to take his mind away from Isaac.

Erica raised an eyebrow noticing his pensive expression. Men usually didn't lose focus after she took her pants off. She pulled her top off swiftly and pushed the man back on the bed. She straddled him and lowered herself carefully, rolling her hips down on the man's groin. "So, your girl is out there getting some? She's going to be fine, don't worry," she smiled down on him combing hand through her hair to keep them from falling on her face.

"Boyfriend." He corrected with a little grin. He pet her side. "He's at home. He doesn't... he can't do this."

"Oh..." She debated with herself whether she should prompt for details. Her experience was pretty clear on that, talking personal shit in bed could result in everything but getting laid. The curiosity won. "Your arrangement is rather imbalanced, porsche-guy. You sure he's okay with it?"

"He suggested it. That means he has to be okay with it, right?" His head hit the bed as he mulled the comment over. "I'm not doing anything wrong."

"Of course you don't," she smiled slyly. "You seem to be doing pretty well despite the ongoing discussion." He hand cupped his half hard cock through the material of his briefs. She bent to kiss and mouth at his chest, her lush hair spilling around her head. "Or maybe he sensed that's what you want," she said.

He arched up toward her mouth. God, he missed that kind of touch. "I... I want him. If I could have him I would just have him. But that's not happening so... Here I am."

She leaned back with interest written on her face. "So... he's asexual? It's hard to make a relationship work if you two have polar opposite expectations of it."

"No. We were together before he... He got hurt." He ran a hand through his hair and let out a huff. "He lost one of his arms. He can't stand to be touched anymore."

She looked at the man and part of her regretted starting the topic. This was a level of intimacy quick fuck with a random did not cover. Erica left a last parting kiss on his chest and slid up the man's body, setting by his side. Her hand stroked his shoulder. "So he tries to make it up to you by letting you do this? That doesn't sound like a healthy deal."

Jackson curled toward her, letting their bare bodies touch. It was calming. "I don't know what to do. I didn't just run off and fuck as soon as I could. I waited. I just... I'm frustrated. Everything he freaking does makes me hard. I nearly came because he smiled at me over being able to flip pancakes."

"That's why people invented masturbation," she chuckled cuddling him closer and held him, thinking through her advice. "Do you know why he can't stand to be touched? There must be something about it. And I'm sure the current status is as painful for him as it is for you."

"We don't talk about it. He... Look, his father was a real piece of work. He was the one that... caused it. Probably caused most of the hurtful shit that runs around in Isaac's head." He sighed as he rubbed his eyes. "I didn't mean to talk about him."

Erica smiled. "It's okay. Doesn't seem like anything else could be on your mind anyway."

"I love him. Of course he's on my..." Jackson went deathly still. "I love him."

She snorted. "I've heard you."

"Shut up." He glared, but it didn't last. It melted into a smile. "I didn't realize I was. I used to be a bit of a player, your typical single dude."

"Amazing what we can find out about ourselves during a one night stand," she teased but soon her expression went serious. "You need to talk with your boy. You two can't just assume the other can read minds."

"Swinger, one-night-stand, therapist. You take cash or credit?"

"Free of charge. Sorry, those days are behind me," she grinned and pushed him to lay back. "I'll tell you what you gonna do now. We'll have a quick therapeutic session and then you'll go home to tell your boyfriend what I just heard. Okay?"

"Can do." He smiled, the tension mostly drained from his body. "Come and get me."

~~~

When Isaac woke up the next morning it was to find Jackson already by his side, soundly asleep. The young man chafed at his eyes and sat up leaning on the headboard. He took a moment to watch his boyfriend, savior, love. Nothing seemed out of ordinary about his relaxed expression and disheveled hair. But the faint unfamiliar aroma of a soap the man must have used when cleaning himself in some stranger's apartment was still in the air and suddenly Isaac felt like he was suffocating. He threw the cover off himself and walked downstairs to flee the emotions he agreed to suppress.

Jackson woke when the bed moved. He opened his eyes just long enough to catch the back of his love escaping his presence. Jackson sighed, a weight settling over him. He knew why Isaac ran. Hell, Jackson felt like running from himself. The sex had been fine, good even, but the emptiness he'd been attempting to fill only yawned wider.

Jackson moved out of the bed and grabbed his silken dressing robe from the door. The tile of the staircase was cold and he made himself take slow steps. It was a subtle thing he'd learned to do living with Isaac. Rushed steps coming toward the younger man would cause him to go into full panic mode. Jackson reached the kitchen finally, knowing it was Isaac's safest place in the house.

"Good Morning, Beautiful."

"Morning." Isaac turned to him with a bright smile. He faltered realizing normally he'd ask how Jackson slept. He turned to mix the ingredients for pancake dough together, breaking their easy routine.

"You're upset. So am I. Can we talk?" Jackson didn't reach out to touch Isaac. Somehow he felt like he didn't have that privilege after last night.

Isaac stopped the preparation but didn't turn to face the man. "I'm not a kid, Jackson. I knew what I was agreeing to. It's fine."

"I didn't. I had no idea how this was going to make me feel. Or realize how..." Jackson ran a frustrated hand over his neck. That was not the way to do this. He didn't want to sound like he was blaming his partner. "Please, just come into the living room and talk with me?"

Isaac sighed, wiped his hand on the rag and followed the man without a word. He sat on the designer black leather couch that would take up half of his former room and waited.

Jackson sat beside Isaac and angled to face him. He took a deep breath to gather his thoughts. Isaac was sensitive, easily jumped to conclusions Jackson could never imagine. He had to do this right. "Last night I did what we agreed. I got a one-night stand. We had sex. But... It didn't change the frustration. It was the same as before, I still long for you. And... I feel like I betrayed you last night."

Isaac swallowed down the urge to concur with it and admit he cried himself to sleep when Jackson was getting off. Mature, he was being mature, he reminded himself. "You didn't. We decided it's for the best, right?" He risk a glance at the man and his heart clench seeing the distress he was causing the man. Again.

"Yeah, but I think we were wrong. Just because we agreed it's not cheating... It felt like cheating. And I'm so sorry." Jackson swallowed hard. "I realized some things last night. And… I haven't opened up about my past much. You never had a chance to voluntarily open up about yours. So. I think I owe you this. If... if you want to hear it. If the cheating isn't something... I don't want it to break us. But I want you to have whatever emotion you had about it. I know you don't usually get mad but that's pretty par for the course being cheated on."

"Okay...?" Isaac answered not really understanding where the other man was heading.

"I don't want to cheat, ever. I don't want to push you. I want to be sexual, but only as much as you can handle."

Isaac sighed. "I'm... warming up to the idea. But I don't know how long it'll take me to get there," he said quietly.

"That's fine. If it's not off the table completely then we can go at your pace. And I can take care of myself. Won't be hard." Jackson chuckled and leaned in to kiss Isaac's lips. "I nearly come in my pants every time you have flour on your ass from baking."

Isaac blushed and grinned. "Funny. I was going to make cookies tonight."

"Tease." Jackson rumbled, his body easing from that worry. The next confession weighted on his mind. It would be too easy to sweep it under the rug and hide his emotional revelation. Jackson shifted, looking at his partner. This was the man he... he loved. What a terrifying thing, this love.

"My real last name isn't Whittemore. I'm adopted. When I was a baby I was taken in. My adopted parents had money; I never wanted for anything. I found out I wasn't theirs at 7. It... my adopted parents aren't exactly warm people. They were never mean or bad they just... They expected the best from me and when I was 7, I suddenly understood why. I wasn't theirs. I was some... replacement, a substitute child. I was the best they could get and all the tutoring and sports leagues were their way of getting back their investment. I didn't know who I was. And I've spent most of my life trying to figure out who I really am. I tried making my adoptive parents glad they took me in. I was Salutatorian, Captain of the Rugby team in high school and college. I went into teaching just like my mother. It still never felt like enough. If I had grandchildren... they would go through the same thing. Trying to be good enough to be substitute grandchildren. I had to prove myself and... I still can't quite believe that I was anything but a trophy. I still don't really believe I was ever loved. I... I haven't told anyone I loved them since I was 7. Because my parents, the ones that are supposed to love you unconditionally, weren't real."

The emotions flowed out of Jackson as the words poured from him. He'd never had a partner like Isaac. His love life was a series of less or more memorable one-night stands so he would never have to delve into this side of himself. He waited, unsure what he expected or wanted to hear from Isaac.

The boy stared, at loss of words. "Jackson, that's...," he forced out finally. He use to wonder why Jackson was brushing off ever mention about his parents, and even found it quite aloof, albeit he never voiced his judgement. He didn't realize the picture perfect family of a three with bottomless sack of money and privilege could be rotten through by similar ailment as his. His hand rested on Jackson's and squeezed gently. "I'm sorry." He chewed on his lip trying to find the right words. When nothing came up he leaned in and snuggled against the man.

Jackson wrapped both of his arms around Isaac. He pressed a kiss to the curly hair that he loved. He needed to say it...

"Isaac... Now that you know. You'll understand why this part is … it's just hard." Jackson nudged Isaac back and cupped his cheek. "I love you."

Isaac sucked in a breath and pulled out of the hug. He sat on the edge of the couch, ready to escape if the man moved closer. He shook his head staring at the ground. covered by thick red carpet that probably cost more than his wardrobe. Isaac took a deep breath and looked at Jackson. "Do you..." He groaned rubbing at his face. "You know I don't need you to say it just because you feel guilty about last night."

"Shit." Jackson groaned at his own stupidity. "Apparently my timing is shit. No, this isn't about guilt. It's not because of last night at all. I just was finally able to admit it to myself when I spent half my time last night talking about you to some random woman. I love you. I have for some time. Because... Because it's you and I don't know how to explain how you got in my extremely well hidden heart. But there you are."

Isaac allowed himself a small smile. Then a larger one and soon his face was split in a grin, all cheeks-dimpling, eyes-crinkling laughter sounded in the room as the younger boy lurched on his lover and nuzzled a cheek with his nose. "Say it again."

"I love you." Jackson breathed into Isaac's ear.

Isaac kissed the words off the corner of Jackson's mouth. "Took you long enough," he mocked sneaking hand around the man's neck.

Jackson laughed, it was loud and carefree. Isaac did that to him, gave him worries to weigh down Atlas and made him feel like he could fly. "I'm worth the wait."