Chapter Two
My relationship with Cato continued. I was too much of a coward to break it off.
But at the same time my friendship with Peeta grew exponentially. We soon entered into best friend territory. He was always there for me. Whenever Cato and I were having problems and I would end up crying I could always talk to him about it. Cato didn't like it and tried to tell me that I couldn't be friends with Peeta anymore. Of course being as stubborn as I am I refused to allow him that control over my life.
Looking back I can see that some of my actions may have not been acceptable within the fact that I was in a relationship with Cato. Peeta would often drive me home after hangouts with our friends. I lived about twenty minutes out of town and no one wanted to drive me home. Except Peeta he was always happy to drive me home. And sometimes after we'd get to my house we would sit and talk for hours. My parents warned me that it might seem inappropriate to others, especially Cato. "But we were just friends!" My sixteen year old mind rationed. "Nothing is going to happen. We're just friends." And maybe nothing really happened but my feelings changed during these times. From having a friend like Peeta who cared so genuinely and cared for me in a way that Cato never did.
I'm ashamed to say that when I broke up with Cato I was an even bigger coward than I've ever been. The first time I tried he told me no. He said we weren't breaking up and that we would just keep trying. So the next time, when I knew for sure that I wanted out I talked to his older brother. I asked him to try and talk to Cato. He said he would. The next time I talked to him he agreed that we wanted different things out of this relationship. I never regretted that decision.
Peeta asked me to be his date to graduation. "I want my best friend there with me." He'd asked with that gentle smile that I loved so much. Of course I went. I bought myself a pretty red dress that complimented my skin tone so well. I even stepped out of my comfort zone wearing strappy black heels.
The months passed and my friendship with Peeta grew stronger…and more flirtatious. When we'd watch movies I'd find myself cuddled next to him, molding with the curve of his body and his arms wrapped around me. His text messages also started to carry with them hints of a different interest than friendship.
In the middle of August, the weeks of summer looming over our heads, Peeta was the first to comment on the change in our friendship.
"Sometimes I feel like I'm getting mixed signals from you." He commented innocently enough one day while a large group of us were watching a movie at Glimmer's house. "How do you feel about me?"
I forced a strained laugh and replied, "You're my best friend! Of course I don't see you romantically at all!" Part of me panicked when he asked and of course instead of telling him of my budding feelings for him I insisted that I felt nothing for him other than friendship. I felt guilty immediately.
When I told Glimmer and Clove they both agreed that I was a complete idiot. Not that I needed them to tell me that. I already knew.
I had feelings for him. I knew it. They knew it. I'm pretty sure everyone had a feeling about it.
But I just didn't want Peeta to know about it. All summer I'd heard him gripe and complain that he hated when his female friends developed crushes on him. He hated hurting their feelings and causing them pain but he never returned their feelings. The one thing Peeta hated above all else was causing others pain.
I knew that I'd fallen into that same boat, just like all his other friends. I couldn't bear the thought of losing his friendship if I told him how I felt. I rationalized my decision by saying that he was flirtatious with all his friends; his actions and comments towards me were nothing special. And to some degree that was true. He was a naturally flirtatious person. It had nothing to do with me; I was just his best friend. He'd never see me as anything more. And part of me was okay with that. I didn't really want to date right then, I'd only recently broke up with Cato. And Peeta wasn't looking for a relationship either; he had already sworn that he wasn't going to date for the next few months anyways. I knew that nothing could come of my feelings for him.
But I still felt guilty. I hated lying to Peeta like that. We'd never lied to each other. Our friendship was built entirely on being completely open and honest with each other. I felt like I'd installed an enormous barrier between us and our friendship began to feel stilted and awkward.
Finally, at the end of August, I decided I had to tell him. But I knew I could never do it face to face. I wrote him a note, a long note. I told him how I felt. Why I'd lied to him. I planned to give it to him at the Sunday barbecue the local church was holding. I figured it was the best time. I could easily give it to him and then disappear. And seeing how my family was going camping for the entire next week and I wouldn't have to see him if he rejected me.
So that's what I did. I gave him the letter and in my traditional awkward manner said in a rushed voice "I needed to tell you something. So I wrote it down. You might not see me for a while. Bye." Then I turned and ran away. Glimmer and Clove found me hiding and agreed that it was the right thing to do. Looking back though I can see what a pathetic coward I was, Peeta would never hurt me but I was too afraid of rejection. I can only shake my head at my sixteen-year-old self.
When Peeta approached me later that day my gut was twisted with nerves. I seriously considered turning around and walking the other way but something held me in place.
"Katniss." His voice was gentle and soothing, as usual. "Can we talk? Please?"
I nodded and followed him outside and around the building.
When he finally stopped he was quiet. I shifted nervously from foot to foot.
"Katniss." I could already feel my heart breaking. "I want to. I really do. I care about you so much, more than you know. And I do want to be with you but I can't right now. I promised myself I wouldn't date for a while. I just need time. Can I ask that of you?"
I forced a smile and even though it hurt, I agreed.
A/N: Sorry it took me so long to update. Life has been crazy! I hope you guys like the chapter. Read and review. Let me know what you think! I love to hear from you.
