Nice and long, because, well I don't know actually. By the way, I don't own it, some big guy does.
Part 2: Smiles
--
Spencer,
It's been ages since I've spoken to you, huh?
I told myself today, "Ashley, you will tell Spencer everything she needs to hear and you will tell her now." and I did pick up my phone a few times. Like the time that I was trying to phone you when you were like fifteen minutes late in getting to my house, remember? Of course you won't, you were fifteen minutes late. Anyway, I spent the entire time thinking that you had come to your senses and decided to bail on me 'cause I'm just that annoying girl who follows you around.
So here I am, trying to write to you what I've wanted to say since we broke up. I hate writing that, I really do. I mean, I'd be lying right now if I said writing that didn't break my heart a little because from the first time I saw you (and I was nice) I wanted to believe we would be in each others life forever. You had that thing about you, that kind of look that made me come to you. You know, you're the only person I have ever apologized to when I've snapped at them on their first day. Especially when you made me drop my coffee. That should be a crime in itself!
I don't even know what I want to say. Well I do, there is so much I need to tell you and so much I want to, but I don't know where to start.
---
"It's going to be alright you know." Spencer looked up to see the worried expression of her older brother. It wasn't like the two didn't get on, they did, and they just had the typical sibling rivalry down to a perfect art. She loved Glen, though she didn't need to say it, and she knew he loved her. It was there, and he would be there for her when she needed him, which was right now. It was like a sense, his sister was hurting and he knew it.
"Yeah?" Spencer fiddled with her fork and blue eyes danced over to the brunette who was sat with her sister at a far away table. Her hands were moving erratically as she told her story, but even from here, Spencer could tell she wasn't as happy as she made out.
"I promise." Her eyes finally came to lie on her brother and he shot her a small smile. "Don't tell anyone I said this, but you're the strongest one of the Carlin family."
"Really, how did you come to that conclusion?" Glen sat on the table and stopped his sisters fidgeting hands with one of his own.
"We lost Clay, all of us together." Eyes clamped shut Spencer tried to pull her hands away but Glen refused to let go. "We all suffered and it hurts like hell, everyday, but you Spence, you lost Ashley aswell. You still come to school though; you still wake up in the mornings. I know I couldn't do that. I can't say I know what you're going through, because I lost one person. Yeah, he meant a lot to us all, me, you, mom and dad. But you lost someone who meant everything to you, aswell, just you." Glen stroked the top of his sister's hand, unsure if his words were actually working.
"It hurts Glen." Her tight eyes opened and she looked up at her brother, the one guy, apart from her dad, who she could count on.
"And that's why we are here." He searched around until he found what he was looking for. "But go and talk to her. You both need one another, and I know you don't want to lose her. We all have someone to fall back on after what has happened, let Ashley be your friend."
"Who are you and what did you do with my brother?" Their joined hands separated but identical smiles were worn.
"You're my baby sister, it's what I do. But don't tell anyone I was nice to you, I'll deny it." He got up and placed a supporting hand on her arm. "Just talk to her."
"It's hard."
"The right thing always is." He walked away and Spencer glanced back over to Ashley, whose eyes were on her. Spencer smiled a little and took a deep breath; she reached down and grabbed her bag. Ready to do the right thing.
---
I'm sorry.
So fucking sorry you have no idea. I can't believe I ran like I did when you needed me. I saw your tears and I was scared shitless because the feelings I had inside scared me, I've never loved someone like I loved you and when you were in pain...
I don't even want to finish that sentence with the words "I felt it too" because I didn't. It was your grief and your pain and I was lost. So I ran and I tried to find myself and I forced myself to try and forget about you, but every second of everyday was revolved around you.
Damn, I'm watching Oprah way too much.
I just want you to be happy Spencer. I want you to be so happy and I could never give you that. I want you to smile everyday and I want you to laugh at something that isn't even funny. I need you to smile, because that is the only thing that woke me up everyday that I was in Europe.
And I don't mean that I have your picture set to my alarm clock.
I don't know.
It hurts so much to have to write this but it's true.
---
"Can I sit down?" Blue eyes searched brown. She stood awkwardly at the table and Kyla quickly moved her bag, indicating she could sit down.
"I have to go and find a friend anyway. I'll see you after school, Ash." She was up and gone before either Spencer or Ashley could argue. The blonde quickly sat down, knowing now she wasn't intruding on anything.
The silence killed her. On many occasions in the past the two would sit in silence, basking in the opportunity to rifle through thoughts and smiling privately on how lucky they were to have one another. Now, though, the silence killed her. Cut through her like a sharp edge of a knife and lingered painfully until she couldn't stand it anymore.
"I read your e-mail last night." Ashley finally looked up at her, eyes squinting in confusion and her fingers playing with the piece of paper in front of her.
"Oh, sorry it was so long." Spencer sent her a smile which was instantly returned.
"You do like to ramble on and on though, don't you?" The brunette nodded and the two fell back into silence. Eyes scanned anywhere else but each other and Spencer quickly found some courage in her to talk to Ashley, to keep her in her life. "You're wrong you know."
"What do you mean?"
"When you said you didn't make me happy." Spencer saw her flinch and scooted closer to her on the bench. "You did. You made me feel so many things."
"I'm sorry if I hurt you." The confident streak that Spencer loved so much was gone and she knew it. Her voice, the one that could melt her in seconds, was broken and scratchy. "I'm sorry for everything."
"It's okay. I forgive you." And that was the truth. From the bottom of her beating heart, she meant every one of those words.
"Really?" Shock overcame sadness and eyes met. "But what I did was unforgivable."
"No, it was awful and it hurt. But you did what you thought was best, you gave me space and I learnt to live without you. You were my everything, my air, my life, then you left and I thought I lost it. But I survived, you helped me become stronger." She reached across and took Ashley's hand under her grasp, folding fingers around hers and forcing contact between them.
"I don't deserve to even know someone like you."
"You do. It's why I'm not going anywhere. Even if I can't be in your life like I was," She stumbled, stopping her sentence when she saw the pain flash over Ashley's pretty face. She took a breath and continued. "Even if I can't be in it like that, I want to be in it. I want you to be in mine."
"Okay." The two smiled at one another, touched yet pained at the same time. Knowing it could never be like it was, but this was something different, something deeper. "Start over new?"
"Yeah."
---
I have been looking for my 'one' for such a long time and you came along and you were her, you were my reason and my everything. But I wasn't yours; I couldn't be if I'm so cowardly to run from you. I don't doubt you loved me, I know you did, I could feel it. I'm just not the one you deserve to be with, you need someone who can give you so much more.
I want you to find someone Spence, who will treat you like the most perfect thing in the world; you need to find someone who will love you everyday more and more. Someone who, when you kiss them, it feels like the first kiss everytime and it's electric everytime you touch.
I want you to feel like you made me feel every damn day.
Theres someone out there for you and I'm going to walk away and let you find that person because it's what you deserve. You're worth so much more than a dead rock stars daughters angst. You're worth so much that I don't think you even realise it.
You gave me your everything and I took it and gave nothing back.
You came out to your parents for me. You were there when my dad died. You gave up the chance to be a cheerleader. You got yourself into trouble for me. You made me laugh on days I didnt even want to smile. You'd frustrate me to the ends of the earth but send me a look and I'd melt. You gave up Ohio for me.
---
Ashley walked through the halls of the school, looking out for her sister but her mind focused on the conversation she had with Spencer only a few hours ago. It was hard hearing that the blonde she loved with everything she had couldn't be in her life the way that she used to be, but she knew that's the way it was meant to be. She had tried not to cry, but she had been trying for far too long and the tears that seemed to forever line her eyes made a break for it.
"Watch it, Davies." The quick snarl of Madison Duarte had Ashley turning around, almost glad that she shoulder-barged her into oblivion. The tears were wiped away but not ignored. "Are you okay?"
"Perfect." Madison was always easy to lie to, she was so full of herself she wouldn't even realise it. Lies and truth came and went to her, she went with what she was told and made her own ending out of your story.
"You're not." Oh, she had learnt. "Is this about Spencer?"
"Why do you care?" The brunette turned away from the new and not so improved Madison, ready to walk away and get ready for life away from King High.
"You two had it hard. I get that, and I can't say I know how you feel. I've never had that type of love." Ashley turned slowly, eyeing the girl and taking it in that maybe, just maybe, things had changed for the better.
"Thanks, I think."
"Glen says Spencer is broken up about this whole thing. She won't come out of her room often and she's wandering around like she's lost a limb." The Latina walked forward, knowing their rivalry wouldn't be as harsh as it once was but also not being so naive as to think the two would ever be friends. "So, I'm sorry, it'll get better."
"I hope so, Madison." There was a cordial nod between the girls and the changed girl walked away, leaving a slightly shocked Ashley in her wake. "I really hope so."
"Hey, Ash! Can I have a lift home, sometime soon?" A smile crossed the girls face at the sound of her sister's voice and she turned quickly, raising an eyebrow.
"Fine, move your ass."
---
I gave you nothing but a few kisses.
I'm not going to say 'I'll never give up' because I've accepted were over. For the first time ever I'm going to swallow my pride and let you do what you want.
I don't blame you though. You didn't break my heart; I broke my own and yours with the same selfish fist.
So, this is a long winded e-mail.
I'll always love you Spencer and I'll always be there but I need to leave for a while, I need to back off and let you have the space to breathe because I need to see you smile again.
---
Spencer sat in the front seat next to Glen in the car, looking out of the window, watching her ex-girlfriend climb into the car, laughing about something that Kyla was saying. She missed that laugh, that smile, the shake of the head when she was thinking how idiotic the whole situation was.
"Dads cooking tonight, you gonna eat something?" Spencer looked at her older brother and nodded.
"Yeah."
"So, did you talk to Ashley?" Eyes didn't come off of the road and Spencer glanced in the rearview mirror to see if she could see the brunette, but the car was already gone.
"Yeah, we're friends." The word sounded hollow to her own ears but she had to accept it, this was the way life was meant to be.
"Good. Now put your feet down, you brat." Spencer did as she was told and smiled to herself.
---
I never deserved someone like you but I'm so glad that I got you.That I had the chance to hold you, to kiss you, to call you mine and make fun out of you and know you'll love me all the same.
(Plus, you're an amazing kisser. Just thought I should add that in there, this e-mail was getting a little depressing.)
I'll see you around, okay?
Love, Ashley.
