December 1, 2002
It was cool and grey at Ardwick Green Park in Manchester. Sweater weather, Remus thought, as he walked inside the park. He could see Lily across the park in the section for children. She was swinging on a swing set.
Remus adjusted the collar of his sweater then walked over to her. She was wearing her favorite red sweater. She'd had it since they were sixteen. It gave him a brief nostalgic feeling back to the time when he and his friends had only just became friends. He felt silly feeling so nostalgic for events that happened not that long ago.
Remus walked over and sat on the swing next to her and began to lightly swing. He couldn't really sit in it comfortably but for the moment he didn't mind.
For a moment Lily said nothing. She had glanced at him and smiled when he arrived but since then she had seemed distant and distracted.
"Well, go on then. What's on your mind?" Remus asked, hoping he wasn't sounding too pushy, but in all fairness she was the one who had rang his mobile saying she needed someone to talk to.
"I'm pregnant," Lily said, looking over at him with a smile, her feet dragging across the pavement to slow the speed of her swing.
"Pregnant? Really? How?" Remus asked, knowing she was on the pill.
Lily laughed.
"What do you mean how? You know how. We shagged. Night of the Halloween party. James looked so bloody cute as a Vulcan. We didn't have any condoms. I'd only just switched to my new birth control. Bloody stupid of us, but you know how it is when you're in the mood," Lily said, shaking her head.
"Well, congratulations!" Remus said and planted his feet to stop himself from swinging.
"Yeah. I'm excited," Lily said and looked away.
Remus thought she didn't sound too excited even if she seemed happy.
"What about James? He must be thrilled!" Remus said.
"I haven't told him," Lily confessed, sounding regretful.
"You haven't told him? Are you serious? How long have you known?" Remus asked.
"I am serious. I've known for a week. When my period was late I didn't want to believe it. Then I got sick while I was at work. Took a break and used a test. It was positive. Took another one this morning just to be sure. Positive again. I'm up the duff for sure," Lily answered.
"May I ask why you haven't said anything to James?" Remus said.
Lily looked down at her trainers, obviously avoiding the question. Her dark red hair covered her face completely, giving Remus no hint of what she was thinking. She then stood up and started to walk away. Remus quickly stood up from the swing and walked after her.
"Lils, what is it?" Remus said with concern.
"What if we're too young?" Lily admitted as they walked casually along the path.
"I'm not sure worrying if you're too young will make a difference. What's happened has happened," Remus said.
"Has it? I could get rid of it, couldn't I?" Lily asked.
Remus nodded and said, "If that's what you want. Do you?"
"Not really. I thought about it all week though. I don't think that's what I want," Lily said.
"What is it you want then?" Remus asked.
Lily stopped walking and sat on a bench nearby. Remus joined her. Lily scrunched up her in face in consideration of Remus's question making Remus laugh.
"What?" she said turning towards him.
Remus shook his head, still laughing then put his hands in his face.
"I'm sorry," Remus said. "You've always had a knack for amusing faces."
Lily smiled and shook her head before saying, "What I want is for this to not be happening right now. I wish we were older. I don't mind too much, though I am scared. I've always wanted to be a mother. If it were a year ago I might have aborted it. James and I had only just moved in together. Even though we'd been seeing each other for a couple of years… things were new. I don't think we'd've stood a chance as parents. But I'm still scared. I can't shake that."
Remus leaned over and rubbed her back in comfort. A sudden gust of wind blew and Remus shivered, pulling his hand away. He could feel moisture in the air and knew it would rain soon.
"You and James can manage. You have my complete faith, as always," Remus said and looked up at the cloudy sky, blinking as a drop of water splashed in his eye.
"Cheers," Lily answered.
Lily leaned over and squeezed Remus from the side.
"You're a wonderful friend and a great bloke. You know that, right?" Lily said.
Remus snickered as he wiped his eyes.
"I do try," Remus answered then gestured at the path and said, "Shall we walk?"
Remus stood up and Lily followed. They continued to walk down the oval path around the park, not saying much for a time.
Finally, Lily spoke: "How are things with you and Sirius?"
"Very well, thank you," Remus said as another gust of wind came.
"Is he feeling better? You know, after his dad passed away. Feels like it was just yesterday when his brother disappeared," Lily said, and brushed her hair out of her eyes.
"Yeah. Not that Sirius has ever had any great love for his parents. I think losing Regulus hurt more," Remus admitted.
Remus and Lily came upon an older woman, and what Remus assumed was her granddaughter, feeding pigeons. Remus smiled and nodded at them then walked around them. He wasn't sure feeding the pigeons was the greatest idea but he decided to stay silent as he was sure they meant no harm.
"Remus…," Lily started but trailed off.
"Yes?" Remus asked.
"I think I feel OK about the baby," Lily said.
"That's excellent," Remus said and smiled at her.
"I suppose I'll have to stop smoking weed," Lily said with a frown.
"At least while you're pregnant. After that you just might want to keep it away from the baby. Just try to be responsible," Remus said.
"Well at least, Uncle Remus and Uncle Sirius can make sure we're not fucking it up," Lily said.
Remus scoffed playfully.
"I'm not sure about Uncle Sirius. I'm not so sure he's very good with children. Though we have talked about adopting one day. Maybe when we're older. It's not like the law will even allow us now. At least there's not much risk of either of us getting pregnant," Remus said.
"Sirius will be a great dad! Just you wait and see!" Lily said then laughed forcing Remus to laugh with her.
"Perhaps so," Remus said, and they continued down the path.
The social worker carried Harry into the room. Their initial meeting with Social Services had gone well but it had still taken time to process paperwork and ensure that Harry would be safe with Remus and Sirius. Remus and Sirius stood up and it was Sirius who grabbed Harry from her and clutched him tightly. Harry was somehow heavier than Sirius remembered and it had only been a couple of weeks since he'd last held him. Harry began to cry, forcing Sirius to cry with him.
Remus placed a hand on Sirius's shoulder and said, "He's safe now."
Harry was wearing a little red tee-shirt and brown shorts. Sirius didn't remember ever seeing them before. Must be new, he thought. He went to kiss Harry's forehead but noticed something just as his lips touched his skin.
"What's this?" Sirius asked.
"Hmm," Remus said and looked at Harry's forehead then gasped a little.
"Oh, sorry. I guess we forget to mention that cut. It's not very big. Spare piece of glass cut him. We're just glad it didn't get in his eye. It might leave a scar but it should fade with time," the social worker said.
"Why didn't you mention this?" Sirius said, barely holding back anger.
"I'm very sorry," she said, sounding sincere, so Sirius let it go.
Sirius examined the cut. It was jagged, almost like a lightning bolt. It seemed to be healing well already, only just over a week since the wreck. It didn't even seem to need a bandage anymore.
"Do we just go now?" Sirius asked, Harry's cries slowly fading.
"You are free to go now whenever you like. Best of luck to you both, Mr. Black and Mr. Lupin," the social worker said, nodding at them both.
Remus grabbed their paperwork and they headed off to the carpark. Remus had already purchased a car seat for Harry and the previous day they had made a dash to get as much food and toys as they could afford.
Sirius realized he could go and grovel to his wretched mother, Walburga, but there wasn't a chance in hell of that happening. Otherwise, neither of them had much money. Remus worked at a vintage clothing shop and Sirius was contributing largely with money he had saved from working odd jobs or money his parents had given him years ago.
James Potter's parents had left him a great deal of money when he died, but his and Lily's will specified that it be kept until Harry's eighteenth birthday, at which point he would have access to it.
Sirius wondered if James would've left him and Remus a little money if they had known how suddenly he and Lily would die. Perhaps they expected if they ever died it would be later when he and Remus were in a better place financially.
Halfway on the drive back home Harry started crying, loudly. Sirius looked back at Harry in distress while Remus drove.
"What does he need?" Sirius cried out.
"Food, perhaps," Remus said.
"Why didn't we think to bring him a bottle of formula?" Sirius asked.
"I did. I asked you to get it," Remus said, glancing over at Sirius in slight dismay.
"Bollocks! I'm rubbish at being a parent, aren't I?" Sirius said as Harry continued to scream.
Sirius reached into the bag they brought and pulled out a plush lion doll they had got him and handed it to Harry. Harry took it and examined it with interest. It seemed to calm him. Sirius turned back and faced forward in his seat again and sighed.
"Try and relax, Sirius. We'll figure it all out. We're nearly home, anyway," Remus said.
September 31, 2003
"There, that's a good lad," James Potter said as he rocked his infant son to sleep in his arms. Harry cooed then his eyes slowly began to close. Sirius beamed in awe at James. He took so naturally to being a dad, despite everything Sirius had said privately to Remus when he first found out Lily was pregnant.
Of course, he felt guilty now as James sat back onto the couch smiling down at Harry. "James Potter a father? Ridiculous! Poor Lily will have to do everything herself," Sirius had said. He cringed internally. He had been wrong. He brushed a hand back through his long dark hair and sighed.
"I'm sorry, James. I'm afraid I've done you an injustice," Sirius said.
"Oh? How's that?" James said, clearly not accepting that Sirius was being earnest.
"I told Remus I thought you'd be shite as a dad," Sirius admitted after exhaling hard.
"Really?" James said, looking up at Sirius curiously.
"Yes. Really," Sirius said and sat down next to James.
Sirius stared at James, expecting rage but instead finding him studying his now soundly asleep son.
"You're not angry at me?" Sirius said.
"No! Whatever for?" James asked, his voice nearly a whisper.
"For saying you'd be a shite father," Sirius said.
James laughed.
"Blimey mate. I must've told Lily the same about a hundred times. She said I'd be fine or at the least that we'd fuck it up together, equally," James said.
Sirius smiled in spite of himself.
"Where is Lils?" Sirius said looking around.
"Napping," James said. "Our schedules are pretty messed up if I'm being honest, mate."
"Oh?" Sirius asked.
"Yeah. We barely see each other right now. I work in the mornings while she's with Harry then get home and she goes to bed until it's time for me to go to bed," James said.
"Remus and I could take him for day or two, you know," Sirius said.
"That'd be wonderful. I'll talk to Lily and see how she feels. I don't see why it would be a problem though. Just need to make sure she pumps enough milk for however long you have him," James said.
Sirius was happy to offer help but secretly he felt anxious. What if something went wrong? What if he just cried the whole time? What if… what if he dropped him? Sirius took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. He was still trying to learn to control his anxiety.
"James?" Sirius said.
"Yes?" James replied.
"I… I just wanted to say I'm really proud of you. You and Lily both. I don't think Remus and I could manage as well as you have," Sirius said.
"Thank you, Sirius. Don't sell yourself short though, mate. You'll never know until you've been tested," James said.
Remus entered the bedroom, feeling exhausted. By the time they got Harry home he had finally started crying for his mummy. The boy didn't speak often but seeing him cry for Lily was almost more than Remus could bear.
"Is Harry asleep?" Sirius asked.
Remus nodded and fell onto the bed. Sirius was giving him the eyes. Remus smiled at Sirius and shook his head. The randy bugger was going to be the death of him.
"Really? After today, you're actually in the mood?" Remus asked.
Sirius reached over and placed a hand on Remus's face.
"Maybe I just… want to make sure we're both alive," Sirius said.
"Fair enough," Remus said.
Remus pressed his lips against Sirius's, gracefully moving against them. He slid on top of Sirius. He could feel himself stiffen as he rubbed against Sirius's groin. Remus kissed Sirius's neck while he slid a hand between their bodies and rubbed Sirius through his trousers.
Sirius threw a head back and made a frustrated huff Remus knew all too well. Remus then moved to the side of Sirius's head and nibbled on his ear lobe gently then whispered, "I would really like to suck you off, right now."
"Mmm. Don't let me stop you," Sirius said.
Sirius smiled and Remus slid off of him. Remus got on his hands and knees and climbed between Sirius's legs, his face landing near his groin. Remus dragged a finger down the bulge, feeling Sirius's cock twitch beneath the fabric. Remus unbuttoned and unzipped Sirius's trousers with glee, reaching into Sirius's pants, pulling them down to reveal his hard cock.
Remus gently stroked it, enjoying the soft glide of his foreskin. Remus wet his lips, then slowly lowered his mouth to the head while Sirius watched with burning anticipation.
Just then Harry began to cry. Remus released Sirius's shaft and looked in the way of the sitting room where they had Harry's crib. Sirius groaned and Remus slid off the bed.
"I can get it," Sirius said.
"No, it's fine. I've got it," Remus said and walked out of the bedroom and through the hall to the dark of the sitting room where he clicked on a lamp.
He went over to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of formula from the refrigerator. He then went over to the crib, picked Harry up and handed him the bottle which he quickly took and began to drink from, silencing his tears.
Remus began to sing to Harry quietly. He didn't know any lullabies so instead he sang 'Common People' by Pulp. Lily loved this song. She had often listened to it and loudly sang along with it, often encouraging him to join in. He had always been embarrassed but sometimes she did persuade him.
Remus wasn't sure if she would approve of him singing it to Harry but it seemed to be doing the trick. His eyes felt warm and wet and he hoped that maybe by singing it he was somehow reminding the boy of his mother's presence.
By the time Remus had finished the song Harry had finished the bottle and was obviously falling back asleep. Remus softly lowered him back into the crib.
As he turned to go back to the bedroom where he assumed Sirius was no doubt already passed out he suddenly jumped at the sight of the figure standing at the end of the hall watching him.
"Sirius! How long have you been standing there?" Remus said.
"The entire time," Sirius said through a sniffle.
Remus blushed in embarrassment.
"It was beautiful. You're going to be an amazing dad, Remus," Sirius said.
"We both will. Now, let's get back to bed, shall we?" Remus said.
"Yes. Let's do," Sirius said with a smile and headed back down the hall.
Remus clicked the lamp back off and made his way to the hall. Before going down it he stopped and looked over at Harry sleeping in the crib.
"Good night, Harry," Remus said in a whisper and went to join Sirius in the bedroom.
