Cut my tongue out
I've been caught out
Like a giant juggernaut
Happy hours
Golden showers
On a cruise to freak you out
When I grow up
I'll be stable
When I grow up
I'll turn the tables
Garbage "When I grow up"
All my life I dreamt to be mature. To wake up once in the morning and to know that I had somehow become grown-up. I dreamed about the day when Ben (or Goodwin or Ethan or Juliet or anybody) will open the door to my room and tell me that now that I'm twelve (or thirteen or fourteen) years old, I'm mature enough to devote myself to the secrets of our community.
Almost every morning I peer into a mirror, studying my own face. And I think that today I look older than yesterday. Today I'm smarter. I'm grown up.
Am I grown up?
Every time when I asked adults, about it they answered "Not yet". Sometimes the words are different, but it's always the same meaning. No.
Bea scowled and said even if I wear her make-up and her high-heeled shoes I wouldn't be grown-up. I'm just a silly little girl. Juliet said that to be mature isn't as great that it seems. "Adults have problems, much more than you Alex … Sometimes I wish I would turn back time and become a baby girl again …"
Goodwin smiled at me and said that I'm mature enough to study many interesting things but not enough to know all the secrets. I should grow up a little more and then it would be enough.
And Ben … actually I never really dared to ask this question to Ben.
My other dream was to fall in love. To fall in love just like it happens in books, when your heart fades into the background and then your heartbeat becomes so quick and your knees are weak and the only one who matters is my beloved.
Juliet tries to teach me French and Latin. It's difficult for me to learn foreign languages, cause I don't understand the necessity of these lessons. All the people around me speak English. Tom says that someone does it better then the others, but for me everyone speaks almost equally. Juliet explains that my life may turn in unexpected ways, and maybe someday my knowledge would be useful. A stumpy book about rare herbs is written in Latin, the one that Juliet and Ben force me to study. Ethan told me a little secret once; he told me that I should be our new doctor.
But the botany is as boring to me as learning the other languages. I prefer to do something more interesting than learning by heart Latin names of herbs and flowers. I know the majority of them already off the top of my head. Like a dwarfish birch, for example.
Today Juliet – maybe trying to interest me – reads me a Latin statement: "Cras amet qui numquam amavit quique amavit eras cmet".
"Try to translate it" she says.
I finger the edge of my shirt, the one that Ethan has recently forbidden me to wear outside the house.
"You don't like it?" I asked surprised a bit by his intention and tone.
"I like it," he muttered. "So don't wear it"
I'm staying silent and Juliet scowls. She's always remains quiet, doesn't like to shout like Bea, but I know that it's rather dangerous to annoy Juliet. She can tell Ben about me and my disobedience and no one in our camp knows how Ben will take it.
"We've passed these words, Alex," says Juliet "And I gave you two hundred words to learn by heart. Did you do that?"
"No," I answer honestly. Goodwin told me about lies; if you lie frequently you're not a good person. And I want to be a good person, like everybody in our camp.
Juliet shrugs her shoulders and rises. I know that she is going to leave and I start to feel shameful of my actions.
"I'm sorry, Juliet, I couldn't do it in time …" I begin to explain but she won't hear my excuses.
"I thought I could be proud of you," she throws and hasty leaves the room. I think she's upset, but it could hardly be because of my unlearned lesson. You need to do something more significant if you want to upset Juliet.
"Watch your back and trust no one," says Goodwin, reluctantly releasing me into the jungle. I have asked for it for a long time, assuring him that it's necessary for me to collect fresh herbs and make a calming extract for Juliet. I feel guilty and it's a very unpleasant feeling. I knew I was wrong and I need to apologize. That's the term that I must remember.
I want Goodwin to come with me. I like to wander with him on jungle. He knows so much about our world, he can tell me the most fascinating stories, and in his company I always feel good. Goodwin never gets mad at me, never reproves me, and it feels like he cares about me more than anybody else.
But today Goodwin is all about his mysterious work, and I feel thrown and unwanted.
I watch my back. The jungle is the same as usual, and there are no aliens in it. I was told that on our island there lives a mad woman and a not-less mad men, but I am assured that I won't meet them. I've never met them before, so why should I meet them now?
In my searches I go further and further from our camp. I lay my way among green bushes and fruit trees. The birds are singing and the sun is shining; I feel good, like there was no unpleasant quarrel with Juliet this morning.
And suddenly I hear a scream.
It is not similar to human; it's a scream of any strange creature Stephen King writes about. Desperate, heart-breaking scream, as if it's going to die and nobody can help it.
I shudder and stop. I'm scared and perhaps it's the first time in my life where I'm so scared.
And there is the curiosity. Goodwin told me to watch my back and, yep, I want to look. I want to see it and maybe, maybe I can help it.
He lies on the ground, motionlessly, lifelessly. I can't see his face but he's definitely a human. I think he's dead already.
I can't believe that it was he; that he screamed so, but the sound was from here. Maybe there was a mythical monster and he has won it. And now he's dying. I kneel beside him and don't dare to help him, because I'm scared. Because I'm afraid.
My hands shake. And my knees shiver. And I want to run, run, run away, away from here. But I can't. I'm a good person.
Cautiously, slowly, step by step I come closer to him. Almost silently, as they taught me.
Inches of distance between us melt like an ice cubes on hot summer sun. Just one more step. Just one more...
I stop.
Never before, never in a whole life I was so frightened and so intrigued.
Never before.
And suddenly he sharply lifts a head and looks directly at me.
