Thank you so much for all the reviews! I had not planned to update so soon, but you were all so kind, so I stayed up late to write the next chapter! Thank you again!

Chapter 2

John didn't know how long he had been sitting in Mr. Carson's office. He remembered the butler and the housekeeper leaving, telling him to stay there as long as he wanted to. How long would he need? Could he stay here forever and just pretend he hadn't just had his life destroyed? How could she be gone? He would never see her smile at him again; never see her laugh when he sang off-key as he was shaving. He would never kiss her lips or stroke her hair again. She wouldn't be there when he got home late from work with a cup of tea and a warm embrace. They would never again talk about the children they wanted to have. A little girl that looked just like her and a little boy with his dark hair and green eyes. He felt empty.

He looked over at Mr. Carson's desk. He saw the place where he kept the liquor. He knew where the key was, it would just be a simple few steps to grab a bottle and numb the pain. He could just forget everything but the warm taste of the alcohol. He shook his head at the thought. It would do no good to go down that path again. Anna deserved better. Her memory deserved better.

He was vaguely aware of the office door opening. He looked up, expecting to see Mr. Carson, but was surprised to see Mrs. Hughes. He shouldn't be surprised; she had always been the nurturer in times of trouble. He watched as she walked into the room and came to stand in front of him. He looked up at her, as she spoke.

"Mr. Bates, is there anything I can do?"

He let out a laugh that finished on a choked sob. What could she possibly do? Could she bring Anna back? Could she set back the clock to this morning, when his beautiful wife was still alive; could she make this feeling of complete emptiness go away? He looked up at her. He tried to speak, to tell her that there was nothing anyone could ever do again, but the words would not come. Instead he just looked down and let the darkness envelop him.

Mrs. Hughes immediately sat down and grabbed his hand. "I have no idea what you are going through Mr. Bates, but I want you to know that we all loved Anna very much and we will all be here for you for as long as you need us to be."

He looked at their joined hands and then at her face. He could see the sympathy in her eyes, the pity. He didn't want it. He didn't deserve it. He should have known better than to let his guard down these past months. He should have known not to count on the happiness. He wasn't meant for it. He'd always known it, but with Anna he could forget it. Well the fates had seen fit to remind him.

He cleared his throat. "Anna always had faith. She had faith I could do my job when I first came here. She had faith in me, even when she knew I had been to prison. She had faith I would obtain a divorce when Vera came back. She had faith it would be okay when I faced death. She had faith that we would have a long, happy life together. She always had faith. Without her, I have none. It's all gone. There is nothing. Without Anna, I am nothing." He felt himself breaking down again. "Oh god, I don't know how to live without her." She couldn't be gone. His life couldn't be gone. The sobs overtook his body, he was barely aware of Mrs. Hughes wrapping her arms around him. They stayed that way for hours. Until there were no more tears to cry. Until he was so exhausted that his body shut down. He sat back and closed his eyes. It was only moments before the darkness took over and he fell into an exhausted slumber. He never even heard the door close as Mrs. Hughes took her leave.


His eyes opened and for a moment he forgot where he was. He reached for Anna, but only got air. Then it all came crashing back. His Anna was gone.

He sat up, wincing as his body protested the position he had slept in. He looked around the office. He had no idea how long he had been asleep or what time it was. He knew he had to leave. As much as he wanted to never leave this room, he knew there were things to be done. He wasn't quite sure what those things were though. What does one do when one's life is over? There had to be some protocol. He supposed he would have to ask his Lordship. He had done it twice in the past year. He shook his head. There had been so much death these past few years. Too much. They had all been so young; William, Miss Swire, Lady Sybil, Sir Matthew, and now his Anna.

He slowly stood up, his bad leg protesting. He spied his cane lying on the floor and bent to retrieve it. He was surprised at the sudden urge to escape. He just wanted to get out of here; he wanted to go to the cottage, where he could surround himself with Anna's memory. Would their house know she was gone? He shook his head at having such a crazy thought.

He opened the door and looked out. It seemed to be night. The rooms were dark, and thankfully silent. He could leave without being noticed. He slowly left the office and headed for the back entrance. There was no one there to stop him, and he was able to slip out.

He began the journey home…well it wasn't really home anymore. Not without Anna. He had walked this path a thousand times with her. They had tried to leave their cottage together as much as possible. They would clasp hands and just enjoy being together. They would make small talk about what their day entailed, or the weather or the book they happened to be reading. It was all perfect because they were together and they were happy. He remembered them walking the path back to the main house this afternoon, after they had said their private goodbye. They had made plans to go to Ripon on their next half day off together and take care of some errands that needed to be done. It had all seemed so simple a few hours ago. How could it have all been ripped away in just a few short hours?

He reached the cottage and was surprised to see a light on. Who was in their cottage? His heart sped up. It was Anna! It had all been a mistake. She was waiting for him. She would greet him with a smile and a warm embrace and they would laugh at the mistake he had made. They would laugh and how silly he had been to believe she could ever leave him. He walked as fast as his leg would take him and threw open the door.

"Anna!" "Anna, my love, where are you?" He went into their sitting room and stopped short. It wasn't Anna after all. He knew it had been ridiculous to think it had been her. Obviously someone had come by to stoke up the fire and turn on the lights so he wouldn't come back to a dark cold house. He would have preferred if he had. It would have matched his heart.

He turned and headed upstairs, he didn't really know what to do. He went to their bedroom and saw the bed made and noticed that a pair of his pajamas had been set out on his side of the bed. Anna had always thought of him. Even when she had so much to do for her trip, she still found the time to make things easier for him. He went to her side of the bed. He looked at the table. He saw her brush and her book, with the bookmark in it. She would never finish it. She would never know how the story ended. He got into bed and placed his head on her pillow. It smelled like her. He felt the tears come again. He had thought they would be all gone. He held onto the pillow and let the pain flow. He was thankful when the darkness came again. He let it wash over him.


It was a few hours later when he finally opened his eyes. It took him a minute to realize what had woken him up. There was someone knocking at the door. He ignored it. He didn't want to see anyone. He just wanted to be left with what was left of his wife. He closed his eyes, but quickly opened them again as he recognized the sound of the front door opening. Who would enter his home without permission? He rose from the bed and reached for his cane. He had just reached the door when he heard the voice.

"Bates? Bates, where are you?"

John closed his eyes; it was no surprise that he Lordship would look for him. Their relationship had always been an unconventional one. They were more friends, then servant and master. He started down the stairs. "I am right here my Lord." He watched as his lordship looked up and could barely stand to see the pity in his eyes.

"Bates, I looked for you at Downton, but you must have slipped away."

"Yes, my Lord. I just wanted to come home."

Robert nodded, taking in his valet's appearance. He looked ten years older. His eyes bloodshot, his hair a mess, his suit wrinkled. He looked like a broken man. He supposed he was. He didn't really know what to say. What was there to say? He hadn't known what to say to Tom or to Mary, either. What could you say? How did it feel to lose half of yourself? He hoped to God he would never know. He took a deep breath. He knew what must be said, as much as he didn't want to have to say it.

"Bates, I am so sorry. We all loved Anna…" He stopped as John cut him off.

"My Lord, would you like to sit down?" Even in his grief, John was still formal, still following the rules. Robert shook his head. "Bates, I can't even imagine what you are going through, and I wish I didn't have to add to your burden, but we just received a phone call."

"A phone call?"

Robert took a deep breath. He felt like he would be breaking the man's heart all over again. "Yes, from London. They think-"He stopped. How could he say this? How could he tell Bates this news?

John looked at his lordship struggling. It hit him like a forceful wind. He knew what his lordship was here to say. What else could the police have called for? "They found her? They found my Anna?"

He watched as Robert nodded. "They think so, Bates. Anna was the only person still missing. They found her this morning. They will need someone to come identify her." John felt himself fall on to the couch, thankful it was there to break his fall. They had found his wife. The only thought was that he had to be the one to go, he had to see her one last time. He had to say goodbye. He looked up at his lordship. "My Lord, I must go to London. I have to bring her home."

He saw the shock that passed Robert's face. "Bates, that isn't necessary. We will send someone. You shouldn't see her like that. That shouldn't be your last memory."

John stood up, finally feeling like he a purpose in all of this. "No. I will not let anyone else bring my wife back. I will not let Anna come home with anyone but her husband. I owe her that much. She is my wife, and I shall bring her home."

Robert nodded, he knew Bates, knew he wouldn't change his mind. "Okay. At least let me come with you Bates. You shouldn't have to do this alone."

John nodded. "Very well my Lord."

John saw Robert out, and then headed back upstairs. He went into the bedroom and settled on the bed, reaching for Anna's pillow. He grasped her pillow, holding it tight in his embrace. He would have to settle for the pillow. He would never hold his wife again. He felt the grief overwhelm him again. How could there be any left?


They left for London the following morning, arriving by mid-afternoon. It was only a short drive to the hospital. John put his hand out as his Lordship prepared to get out of the car. "My Lord, please, I need to do this by myself. Anna wouldn't want anyone else to see her like this."

He saw Robert nod. "I understand Bates. You take as long as you need." John nodded and headed towards the hospital entrance. He took a few deep breaths. He could do this. He had to be strong for Anna. He walked in and went to the front desk.

"I am here for my wife."


John followed the nurse down the hallway. He hated that Anna had spent one moment in this pit in the basement. They stopped in front of a set of double doors. He watched as the nurse spoke to a gentleman sitting at the desk. The man looked up, and John saw the sympathy on his face. The man cleared his throat. "Mr. Bates, you don't have to do this. Perhaps there is someone else who can identify the body? Maybe-"

John cut him off. "She is not a body, her name is Anna. Please I want to see her."

The man nodded and raised his arm, signaling for John to follow him. John took a deep breath and entered the room. He fought the urge to turn and run out. He couldn't do that to Anna. He saw the orderly stop in front of a table. He could see a form under the sheet. He felt his knees weaken. This was it. This was the moment. Anna was under that sheet. As soon as that sheet was lowered, it would all be real. It would all be over. He felt himself step up to the table. He looked down at the sheet. The form underneath it seemed so small. He choked back a sob, of course Anna was petite. It had always been a bit of a joke between them, how Anna barely reached his chest. He felt the sob escape, but pushed the others back down. He would not cry, not here. He nodded to the orderly to lower the sheet.

He saw the hair first, and felt the air escape him. Slowly the face was revealed, and he felt the room spin. He saw the orderly reach out to catch him. He laughed. He saw the shock on the orderly's face. Didn't the orderly realize? John shook his head as he stood back up. Of course not, how could he? He had never seen Anna before. He remembered what his Lordship had said. How Anna was the only one who hadn't been identified. He smiled as he looked at the orderly's face.

"It isn't her. It isn't my Anna."

His wife was alive.