2: Truth and Logic
The Commander walked into the officer's dining room and saw Nyota chatting with Jim. As Spock stood in wait, deciding whether or not to join them, he noticed a biochemical reaction in her that he had never seen her display in the captain's presence. She was wearing a big toothy smile, her pupils were dilated, and she was laughing. This brief observation proved to be the cause of his own biochemical response. Heat rushed to his face as his internal temperature increased, his ears turned bright green and his heart rate increased.
With his stomach unsettled by this distinctly new sensation and the need for nourishment dissipated, his thought process became tangled. Spock decided to ask Nyota about her encounter with the captain. He quickly regained his composure and considered the exact words he would use in his query while Nyota relieved herself of Jim's company and walked to the dining room's exit where Spock was standing. To the casual observer Spock appeared as apathetic as usual, but he could not persuade himself that he was operating with logic. It was a galling notion, but he had to acknowledge the fact that he was being motivated by the most base of emotions; jealousy. Even in his twenty-sixth year, he continued to be challenged by the control of his emotions.
"Lieutenant, a word" he called to her once she was close to him.
"Commander," she acknowledged.
"Might I enquire about the nature of your conversation with the captain? According to my observations of human behavior, it seemed as though you were flirting with him." He saw her, his beautiful ideal, desecrated by the terrible association with the common. Spock found Nyota to be the personification of the abstract concept of beauty. Though some men thought her beauty to be as enigmatic as the smile on da Vinci's Mona Lisa, for Spock she was the true realization of an imaginary standard of absolute perfection. She was coarse where most humans were delicate and delicate where most women were coarse. It was a new sort of delicacy that Nyota portrayed; a coarse refinement. She was the contradiction of terms that would have been the source of interest of the great poets of antiquity.
Nyota was borne to him with the logic of a Vulcan and the splendor of a goddess, qualities unseen in either humans or women since the time of Aristotle. Nature fashioned her into a beauty and gave her the corresponding elements of a lovely of soul; a soul that ultimately made this profound impression on Spock, where not only his body, but his genius became captivated by her. Nothing was more modest and unassuming than this pedestal that Nyota placed her upon, and nothing was more freeing than his response and expression towards her. Through his beautiful ideal, his soul was gratified, the divergence between logic and emotion unseen.
On the other hand, Spock found James Kirk to be like a conquering hero, swaying recalcitrant crowds and acquiescent women with reckless abandon. Kirk was an intelligent man with simple motives who seemed to forever be in an arrested state of adolescence. Though Spock respected Kirk as his commanding officer and for his excellence in battle tactics, in his view, the captain was most definitely common and Nyota's association with the captain in a manner that could be contrived as romantic was a displeasing thought.
"I see," she replied, a little surprised at what he was suggesting. Public displays of affection were not encouraged according to Starfleet standards or Vulcan standards, but Nyota wanted to subtly comfort Spock and put his mind at ease. She placed her hand on his arm as she spoke, "There is no need for concern as there was no intention for impropriety or disloyalty. In truth, the majority of our conversation was dedicated to providing the captain with the assurance that you and I would maintain decorum while serving on the Enterprise."
Spock caught his breath from the momentary sensation of Nyota's hand on him, standing taller and more erect. Her gesture, though understood and welcome, did not deter him from further inquiry. The little contentment that he felt from her touch was shrouded by his indignation regarding her deportment with the captain. "Indeed," Spock said as though their sense of proper conduct was obvious. The mere fact that he could count on one hand the number of people who were aware of his relationship with Nyota was proof of this. "However, your face was flushed when you left the table." Though Spock did not want to own this base emotion, he was undeniably jealous. He envied the cheery looks that Kirk always inspired in the female crew, and now in Nyota. The smile on her mouth and color in her cheeks were supposed to be reserved for his favors. He was jealous even though he had no rival for her affections. These emotions, closely guarded and suppressed from reaching the surface were not logical, but they were true nonetheless.
"Yeah," she blushed again at the thought of what Kirk told her but managed to remain stoic in her appearance. "The Captain was telling me that you wanted him to give me a message in the event that you didn't survive the destruction of Nero's ship."
Spock recollected on his thoughts in that important moment and said, "I understand now," realizing that his questions were unfound. "Thank you for answers Lieutenant. Perhaps we can discuss these revelations further at a later time."
Nyota smiled, "Of course, Commander," and left the dining room.
Spock retrieved his meal and went to sit with Kirk so that they could discuss the specifics of the next mission. When he finally sat down, however, it was clear that the Captain had other ideas. "How's it going, Mr. Spock?"
Though he was familiar with human expression, it was one of many that he didn't care for because of its lack of clarity. "The ship is in proper working order and the crew is adjusting to their new lives aboard the Enterprise. If you are referring to my health, however, then the answer is that I am well."
It was clear from his response that Kirk was not listening to a word Spock said. "Great," Kirk replied, suddenly becoming serious. "Actually, I've been meaning to speak with you since we've returned from the Nero mission."
After carefully considering Kirk's statement Spock replied, "We have spoken many times since then, Captain."
"Yes, we have," Kirk conceded, "but I want to apologize for the awful things that I said to you on the bridge that day." His face was somber with regret. Though he had done what was required to defeat Nero, he had not forgiven himself for what had transpired between him and his first officer. Telling Spock that he never loved his mother hours after watching her succumb to the black hole that was once Vulcan was low, even by his standards. It was not a moment that he would be able to look back on with pride, despite being among the crew that was instrumental to the success of the mission. If he was ever to be able to call Spock his friend, it was necessary that he clear the air.
"I assure you, Captain, your apology is illogical and unnecessary."
"That may be so, Mr. Spock, but it is the right thing to do." Kirk came forward and declared himself as a captain with a sense of shame and remorse. He knew that his often ill-placed confidence was generally mistaken for arrogance and that he was considered to be a lustful man incapable of sincerity. But that was a guise he used for his character, the Captain, a role the he would play for many years to come. He knew that if he was to instill confidence in his crew, he had to provide the appearance in confidence. Kirk was not the man that many viewed him as, driven only by machismo and bravado. He hoped that Spock would one day learn who Jim Kirk really was, not just who he appeared to be. This apology, therefore, would be Spock's introduction to the true Jim Kirk.
Spock concluded that Kirk's rationalization of "the right thing" was logical. This was an unexpected side of Kirk that Spock was now in the presence of; one of modesty and sincerity. It was a side of Kirk that he was pleased to know existed. With Kirk's confession, what ire remained from the vision of watching Nyota with Kirk had completely subsided. Spock thought for a moment before adding, "I wish to convey my gratitude for your gesture."
Moments after being provoked to anger on the day that Vulcan was destroyed, Spock had accepted the actions that Kirk took as the correct course in order to take command of the Enterprise. The personal decisions that Spock made that day, however, were not ones that he would consider among those made using the best logic. They were by no means correct choices. The worst of those decisions were marooning Kirk on a dangerous and virtually unknown planet near Delta Vega because of a disagreement, attempting to reunite the Enterprise with the rest of the Federation vessels in the Laurentian system instead of destroying the enemy vessel, and effectively sentencing Nyota to death by commissioning her to the Farragut for fear of favoritism.
Upon further observation, Spock found that logic had failed him on that day, where his decisions led by emotions had not. His emotion based decisions allowed him to save most of the Vulcan High Counsel, helped him steer the elder Spock's shuttlecraft into the enemy ship, and helped him trust Kirk enough to accompany him on a mission that they were bound to fail. Emotions, he learned, could be logical and logic should not be used as a substitute for emotions. However, logic should also be controlled in the same manner as emotions; else they become an all consuming force. This was the truth and logic that Spock came to accept.
The apology that Kirk gave wasn't given for Spock's benefit, but to release the guilt he had been carrying and to give him serenity. "Thank you, Mr. Spock," Kirk said with the feeling of absolution. "I know that you will meet what I'm about to say with some difficultly, but please feel free to call me Jim." It was a small consolation.
Spock nodded, "very well… Jim," and began eating his dinner in silence.
"Okay, then," Kirk said upon the realization that Spock wanted to eat alone, "I'll leave you to it." He rose from his seat and left the table.
A/N: Thanks again to my betas janekrahe and mirandariver. Your thoughtful reviews inspire me to write more and to write better. I'd also like to thank you, the reader, who encourages me to post more. Please R&R
