Chapter II
Giving in
"That's just it. We're not coming back."
As she spoke those words that struck Caspian's heart (he hadn't expected to feel such violent sadness at those words and was well aware how transparent his emotions were, but didn't care in the least), he found himself unable to tear his gaze away from Susan, even as she looked at Lucy. In spite of the sorrow that welled up within him, Caspian was able to notice how composed Susan remained. With the same unfailing bravery he saw them both display in the face of death on the battlefield, the High King Peter and the Gentle Queen both stepped forward to meet their fate with grim resolution. Neither would let this destroy them. Neither would give into bitter sadness and anger at unchangeable circumstance.
Susan hadn't quailed from standing up to a dozen armed horsemen. She had commanded a regiment of archers, and charged into brutal, bloody battle against men twice her size. And now here she was, facing the end of her life in Narnia, yet Susan's face remained free of sadness. In that moment Caspian realized that this was the strength of a true Queen of Narnia, and that she would face the end of her time in this world with courage and utter resignation, as befitting her personage and royalty. 'She's refusing to give into the sadness', Caspian thought as Susan approached him. She was even smiling a bit. Seeing her composure made Caspian realize he couldn't give into the tumultuous emotions of grief, but he couldn't stop himself from saying something to show her, in some small way, what he felt. 'I have to say something!'
But he found himself unable to speak, as the full knowledge of the situation hit him. Another realization hit him: he had subconsciously been planning a life with her, she as a Queen ruling at his side. In his mind, they four Kings and Queens would were going to remain in Narnia for an unspecified amount of time, as they had before-time enough for him to explore the feelings that he had begun to feel for her, his Queen. But now those plans would vanish just as she was about to.
The hourglass had been turned, the sand falling through the funnel. So little sand, but it was all they had.
"I wish we had more time together" Caspian couldn't help the harshness of his voice, the intensity with which he gazed down at her. 'In a few seconds she'll be gone forever'.
Then he saw her smile. "We would have never worked out anyways." she said, still smiling.
For a moment, he was perturbed. The surprise at her words countered the almost overwhelming sadness he felt. "Why not?" He asked. "I am 1300 years older than you."
He managed to chuckle softly at her words...and then the moment came. For a few seconds, she stood there. The expression on her face was wistful, wondering-and then she walked away. 'Her time in my life has ended'.
The disappointment came crashing back down on Caspian, and he turned to watch her retreating figure as it stepped away from him.
Then she paused for the briefest of seconds. Before Caspian could register the movement, she'd turned, and then time stopped. He was reaching for her before he realized it, her hand at his neck, his at her waist. Distantly, Caspian heard the collective gasp of many people, but that faded away, and there was nothing but the soft press of her lips against his, and a final acknowledgement of what their hearts felt for each other. In that single frame of eternity, Caspian realized that he had never admired someone, feared so desperately for their life, or felt as passionately as he did for Susan. His mind forever froze the moment in his memory, imprinting the smallest of details: the silkiness of her hair in his hand, how her mouth tasted faintly of some sweet fruit, the delicate smell of some flower trees…..the soft murmurings of her siblings reached his ears, but he heard no words as in his minds eye, every memory of their time together flashed before him.
She was his first taste of love, but now bitter, immovable circumstance would end it before it had even begun.
The kiss ended too soon, and he pulled her into his arms. He wanted to whisper something in her ear, to say how he felt. But all that came to mind was I'll never let go, and those were words that couldn't be. Even as he could feel the pounding of her heart against his, the last grains of sand were speeding through the hourglass. He had closed his eyes tightly, holding her to him as she wrapped her arms around his waist.
Time moved again. She stepped back, looking up into to meet his smoldering gaze.'The time to start smiling is now' Caspian thought, as Susan smiled yet again, though now sadness touched her gaze.
But this time, Caspian smiled back.
She turned away, and the finality of the moment hit him like a tidal wave.
Keep smiling, he though. Keep smiling.
And he managed to still smile when she met his eyes for one last time-but now her eyes no longer held any sadness in them, only determination. Then she was gone, and was left with nothing but the memory of her retreating form framed by the trees, and the barest hint of unshed tears in his eyes.
Gasping, Caspian all but flew out of bed. The momentum caused him to crash into a nightstand, sending a brass basin clattering to the floor. Caspian barely heard the noise; in his mind, he still saw calm blue eyes as they vanished into oblivion. But the loud noise had not gone unnoticed, and the sound of small feet running pierced Caspian's consciousnes
"Your Majesty?" The voice was small, minuet even, as it urgently called through the door. Caspian stared at the fallen basin, dumbfounded; he couldn't comprehend why there was darkness and chilly air around him, instead of blue sky and outdoor sunshine.
"Your Majesty!" The voice was more urgent this time, and was joined in by a deeper, more powerful voice. The change snapped Caspian out of his stupor, and he managed to choke out a few words.
"D-don't worry, Reepicheep. Everything is well!" His voice sounded shaky, Caspian knew, but couldn't help it. Fumbling a bit, he made his way to the door and opened it. Three pairs of concerned eyes stared back at him, illuminated only by a distant wall-lamp on the other side of his outer chamber; Caspian was able to make out the diminutive features of the Knight Mouse, the stolid centaur Windfoot, and the thin face of man known as Del Toro. They were the three of his personal bodyguards, who this night kept around-the-clock vigil. Seeing them made Caspian instantly sober up, for they were grim reminders of the reasons why such around-the-clock protection was needed.
Rubbing his eyes and taking deep breaths to steady himself, Caspian answered as quickly as he could managed, in a hurry to put the tense nerves of his guards at ease.
"It was nothing, Reepicheep…just a..." …a what? Even in his sleepy state of mind, Caspian knew he couldn't say he was reliving the one worse moments of his life to his bodyguards. It wouldn't do to just blurt out emotional memories, when his duty was to be a stolid, impervious king-and damn it all, he would do everything to maintain that image.
If only he had the actual strength of mind to maintain it, that is…..
"….Just a bad dream?" Del Toro supplied blandly. Caspian stared at him for a moment. "Yes" he said softly. "That's what it was." "It seems Your Majesty has been plagued by those more recently." Windfoot said softly, concern showing on his face. Caspian almost snapped back without realizing it- as if assassination attempts in the dead of night weren't reason enough for such nightmares to occur!-but he held his tongue, and yawned instead.
"Yes…it would seem so, Windfoot. Now, I am sorry to have alarmed you so needlessly, but it's only a case of bad dreams and insomnia."
His guards nodded in understanding, and he bid them goodnight as a form of dismissal. They left his doorway, but Windfoot gave him a look of stern understanding, and Caspian had the unpleasant feeling that the centaur could see through his bland words. Shaking his head, Caspian shut the door, and stormed out onto the balcony. He was careful to open the doors quietly, but still found himself running to grip the balcony's edge, the harsh roughness of the stone and chill of the night minuet distractions against the rage of emotions that tried to overwhelm him
'Damn it.'
'I'm allowing myself to be ruled by my emotions!'
Caspian took a few deep breaths, to help calm himself. Yet the young king reflected on thoughts that did anything but calm him down, and the past two days with all their tumultuous events came rushing back to his head: a market place riot in which erupted between a group of fauns and shopkeepers. The fauns, thinking that perhaps all humans of Beaversdam were as accepting of Narnians as they had been the day of the victory parade, had simply walked into a general shop in need of housing supplies. What they fauns hadn't realized was that the shopkeepers, and elderly couple, had lost two of their three sons in the Telmarine battles against the Narnians. The bereaved parents had barely manage to keep from striking at the clueless fauns at first sight, but at realizing those same fauns had every intention of moving into the city, well, they lost it completely. In that couple's mind, they would be neighbors with the very same savage creatures that brutally murdered their boys, and the father, in a flurry of rageful grief, had whipped out a club and bashed one faun over the head. Unfortunately for them all, a couple of dwarves and a Bear had been walking the street as this happened, and within seconds of hearing the fauns' cries, they had rushed to their fellow Narnian's defense. In less time than it takes to say 'By the Lion's Mane', the elderly mother had fled the street, screeching something about animals bludgeoning her helpless husband to death, and in moments a group of Telemarines and Narnians alike had descended upon the little shop, and a few punches between the elderly shopkeeper and the dwarf erupted into a full out brawl that destroyed half the street and left dozen's injured, both Narnian and Telmarine. Pent-up tensions between the two peoples were released again that day with even more violent fury than usual, in the form of smashed faces, clawed-up bodies, and debris-strewn streets that were left in the wake of the brawl. When Caspian and his troops had reached the street, he was horrified at the brutality displayed, on both sides.
And that had been on incident. One fight. Many preceded it, and he was beginning to doubt his ability to prevent any from occurring in the future.
On the day of his coronation, he had thought the simple liberating from tyranny and compensation of lands would be enough to appease both sides, but then, as he walked among the wounded fighters and burning wreckage of a street, reality was shattering his idealistic dreams of a peaceful, unified nation.
It didn't help in the least that he was also distracted. By memories, of all things. The part of his mind that was logical and put his kingdom first above all else decried such abhorrent weakness, that a king should be burdened with the words 'what if'. Caspian hated it, both the words and his own inability to move on. Nearly two months later, and still, his mind was haunted by fragments of memories that refused to fade, even in light of his kingdom's chaotic situation.
It wasn't just her that he missed, but also the help her family could have provided: three Kings and two Queens could have stood up more strongly against a council of corrupt, confused nobles than one. A council that was extremely maladjusted to the idea of sharing a nation (and their own lands) with the people that for generations they believed to be fairy tales.
Caspian felt trapped by it all, but more than ever by his own solitude. He'd grown up without the proper love of a family; seeing the four Pevenisies together made him hope, almost, that he could share that with them. But he was alone, again, and more aware of the loss than ever.
He sighed, shivering in the pre-dawn chill; a gust of wind blew, the cold seeming to seep into his very bones. Eyeing the graying horizon, as the stars began to disappear above the misty line of trees and mountains across the valley, Caspian thought of the idea of leaving this castle, with its suffocating amount of demanding Lords and forever feuding Commoners-Telmarine and Narnian alike-and began to find it very appealing.
Caspian closed his eyes: something inside seemed to scream, and wordless cry against life's unfairness wanted to tear itself out of him. But he couldn't be weak like that. He was king, for the Lion's sake. Aslan had crowned him; the High King had entrusted the kingdom to him.
She believed in him.
But none of them were here anymore. And he was left to mend a shattered kingdom alone. A kingdom as shattered as his heart was.
'Besides, can a king so distracted properly rule his kingdom?' Caspian reasoned with himself, even as a voice inside his head screeched at him that running would solve nothing. Not that he would run away, of course….at least, not for good.
'Only for a little while. Just to clear my head……'
Shaking his head at his folly, Caspian resolved to put such thoughts out of his head as he turned and walked back into his chambers. He knew better. No matter what the problems, whether it be loneliness, pressures of the people, or a broken heart-one couldn't run from the responsibility and obligations bestowed on them. Just as one couldn't run from their hearts.
"The time to start smiling is now"-that line is originally from 'The Amber Spyglass' of His Dark Materials Trilogy. The scene where that line is said is somewhat similar to the ending of 'Prince Caspian'; both have two people who love each other that are separated by different worlds.
I realized where the line came from after I wrote it, but decided to leave it in because its appropriate for the story; although I doubt the possibility of a person being a devoted Narnia fan and a reader of His Dark Materials, I felt I had to acknowledge the original use of those words, just in case someone wanted to shout 'plagiarism.'
The chapter title comes from the song 'Something Inside' from the August Rush soundtrack, sung by Jonathan Rhys-Meyers. The song is very much reflects the way Caspian feels in this chapter; I advise listening to it.
And sorry if so much of this chapter is a lot more thinking and reflecting on Caspian's part, and not much more; I felt that Caspian has way more to think of, as newly crowned King of a nation that won't just magically become peaceful overnight. These first two chapters were meant to show how Caspian and Susan are mentally dealing with the situation, hence the lack of interaction with other characters; the next chapters will have a lot more action/dialogue in them.
Thanks for reading!
