In Retrospect
By bleached.dragon
Chapter Summary: "Do it for the fans! If not for your own personal happiness!" Conclusion: Never, ever, let Lavi talk to you. Heck, make sure that there's a giant lava pit separating you from him.
A/N: Hi… it's me again… I've been crying tears of unadulterated joy for a while now… Thanks for all the reviews… (Dabs cheek with tissues)… There's a bit of language in this one, since our favorite personality shows up. Yep, now there's a third character and things get more interesting…
Disclaimer: I decided to write one for the heck of it… but don't expect to see one in the future—If I owned D.Gray-man, it would probably not be worth owning…(Ah, the sad, sad story of my life…)
Chapter 2: for the fans
Deep within the bowels of the Black Order, or in the most isolated tower, since the said location of this place varies from horror movie to horror movie, is the room of an exorcist so terrible, that finders die from looking at his face. Yes, it within the tiny patch of hell on earth, conveniently slotted into a 250 square foot room, that the foul-mouthed Japanese exorcist Kanda Yu resides.
Although, according to Lenalee, it's actually on the fifth floor landing, is slightly Spartan in style and has a cracked windowpane. The only object out of place in the cold environment is a pale pink lotus in an hourglass.
As for the reason this strange, floral, girlish object resided in the room, Lavi had asked, and nearly got strangled. So, the Order members had given up on trying to decipher its secrets and decided to leave it to Hoshino or Komui to reveal, whichever cracked under torture first.
At this point of the conversation, as they begin to drift from the topic of Kanda's evil aura and land into the topic of candlesticks, Allen would pop in and, attempting to further stain the bane of his existence's record, add that there is such an ominous aura in the room that the flower had to be sealed up; otherwise it would wither in Kanda's presence, like everything else does. Then Lenalee would point to Lavi. And a debate ensues. And Allen slinks off with his game face on.
At that moment, Kanda Yu was once again holed up in his room, as he sat on his bed staring blankly at the wall, recharging and brooding.
"Damn that usagi!" he muttered aloud, as he sulked over the last prank that Lavi had apparently pulled on him. After all, Lavi was the only one who would decide to pour strange serums into the baths. It wouldn't be the first time.
Kanda briefly wondered if he would ever go out of his room…
No.
Not after last nights events. He was going to stay here until this whole debacle blew over. Because there was no fucking way that he was going—
Growl…
The samurai flinched as he began feeling hunger pangs, since the last time he had eaten something had been two days ago. Kanda snarled, he was not getting hungry… he was not… he was…
Growl…
So… hungry…
Kanda grimaced, dark eyes narrowing with anger as his long fingers tried to strangle thin air. Was it a possible side effect of that serum? Damn that Lavi!
The dark haired man glowered at the wall and mentally listed all the possible torture devices that he could employ on the redhead. It made him feel better. Slightly.
Kanda mentally smacked himself after he began to list things that could use demolition, getting angry was just going to make his hunger pangs worse, and if he was going to survive this fast, he needed to compose himself. The dark haired man closed his eyes and took a deep breath, searching out for a meditative state.
Don't think about anything, close your mind…
Growl…
A pale fist smashed itself against the wall. Damn!
He could see it in all its glory, a steaming bowl of Jerry's soba. Unconsciously Kanda reached out for it. He extended his fingers, but the bowl slid across an imaginary table and he jerked forward more violently and…
"BAM!"
The dark haired boy toppled off his bed, arms still outstretched, and slammed against the cold flagstones that comprised of his room's floor.
"Fuck this!" Kanda decided that right now, he was hungry enough to not give a damn what others thought. The cold-eyed youth grabbed his exorcist jacket and Mugen.
Kanda Yu stormed, forth vision clouded in a haze of fury, and he was quite the sight to see, a bright aura surrounding him and gathering the attention of those he charged by.
He could hear them laughing silently as he passed and wondered how the word of last night's debacle had gotten around so fast.
It hadn't, but how was the four time Mr. Personality of the Black Order to know that?
And it should be mentioned that they weren't laughing at him, or even with him, they were actually greeting him with smiles and waves. Which was strange. You did not smile and wave at the four time Mr. Personality of the Black Order. You cowered in fear and prayed that he did not decapitate you.
But the problem being, that they didn't know it was the four time Mr. Personality of the Black Order.
But then, even the four time Mr. Personality of the Black Order didn't know of his title, so maybe it wasn't the strange. But the love confessions were. Good thing the confessioners never really did catch up with him.
It was beyond paranormal.
It was…
Growl…
Splash!
In the Science Department the sleep-deprived members of the branch had formed a scraggly, but militant, bucket brigade and were pouring bucket loads of water on a traumatized Allen. Most of them missed, since it's hard to aim correctly when you haven't slept for the last week, but enough water had landed on Allen to knock him out of his fit and fill his shoes with water.
"Okay," the white haired exorcist dodged another spray of water and sneezed, his pale features scrunching in consternation, "I'm fine now!"
He flinched as he felt something move in his boot and fished out a goldfish. Apparently, a delirious Science Department member had deposited Tap's goldfish bowl onto the British boy. Allen wondered if the department workers didn't need this particular exercise more than he did, "You can stop trying to drown me now!"
Still, it rained in the Department room, its members uncaring that their documents were already inundated beyond repair.
"I'M FINE NOW!" Allen tried to make a break for it. All credit to him, he nearly reached the threshold, sprinting with the last reserves of his strength, but was forcibly restrained by people who were past caring about anything.
"T-this is for your own good, Allen!" Tap and a group of others mercilessly pinned the white haired boy down.
Allen flailed helplessly; he was seriously going to become hypothermic if this went on. The exorcist resigned himself to his fate as another assault came his way… and was blocked by an umbrella. A pink, frilly umbrella that was so out of place, it was almost comical. If Allen didn't know better, he would have ran through a list of the items he had consumed that morning, just to check that he hadn't unwittingly munched on some hallucinogens.
"Top of the morning to you, miss," Lavi tipped an imaginary hat in a mockingly gallant fashion and held the umbrella over Allen's head, "May I help you over this puddle?"
Allen wasn't usually prone to random acts of violence, but at that moment, he could have decapitated Lavi, in a very Kanda like manner.
Kanda!
Allen's entire body tensed up and he fell back into his stupor.
"Brigade Six! Deploy your ammunition!"
"Jeez…" Lavi collected his parasol and, opening it to its frilly pink expanse, tilted it over his own head of flaming red curls, "We hadn't even gotten to the doujinshi yet."
"Raincoat."
"Check."
"Boots."
"Check."
"Umbrella."
"Check."
Allen surveyed the supplies laid out before him, "This should be enough."
He quickly donned the bright yellow rain apparel, while casting a furtive eye around for any Science Department member who might consider wearing a yellow, rubber duck emblazoned hat that was too sizes too small, as a sign of psychosis. Although, privately, Allen would have long dunked himself into a tank of water, if he hadn't been safeguarding himself from this very occurrence.
"Hm… Angelina Jolie is having twins?" Lavi had returned to browsing the Internet, "Wow, can't these people get things straight?"
"Throw that thing into the abyss," Allen was surrounded by an ominous aura as would've looked quite scary if he wasn't dressed in yellow raingear that was suited for a seven year old. Instead, he took a step forward and his shoe quacked.
Lavi grinned, "Oh… you don't want your dirty little secret to get out… and instead it's bounced all over the web?"
Allen had another animalistic urge, "Off. Now."
"Sheesh," Lavi was all for the part of the recalcitrant teenager, "You don't have to yell Mom. You're starting to sound like Dad."
"Mom…? Dad…?" Allen puzzled over the strange utterance, "I thought your parents were…"
"You really should get your brain scanned, Mom," Lavi hit the print button on the machine.
Allen connected the dots.
"BUCKET BRIGADE EIGHTEEN! TURN ON THE HOSE! MAXIMUM POWER!"
Immediately a powerful beam of sanity restorer hit Allen, and no amount of yellow plastic was going to block that kind of attack
"This is getting really old," Lavi shuffled the newly printed papers in his hand, "I'll be back when Allen regains consciousness," he informed no one in particular and sauntered out of the room.
"So… Allen… are you going to confess to Kanda?" Lavi smiled innocently, all sunbeams and happy little cupids. Passing Order inhabitants backed slowly away from the bookman in training, because there is something positively wrong when a healthy teenage boy is surrounded by rainbows.
The subject of his query slowly backed away, bumping into a bookshelf, "You know I hate your guts, don't you?"
"I love you too, Allen," was the cheerful, rainbow filled reply, "but in a totally inappropriate way, of course."
Allen gave him an extremely ugly look, and wondered if Lavi was channeling a particular purple dinosaur, "You have a sick, sick mind."
"Well, if not for your own personal happiness, do it for the fans out there!" Lavi wound up his pitch.
"No," Allen was adamant.
"It would be a service to humanity!"
"How would me… and… Kanda…" Allen struggled for an appropriate descriptor and settled for none, "…service humanity?"
"Ratings…?" Lavi suggested.
"Did someone drop you on the head while you were a baby?" Allen snapped back, his patience severely drained by the ordeal of the last few hours.
Lavi's eyes glinted and he dropped his bait, "Well, if you and Kanda were to service humanity, I would pay off all the debts you have left from General Cross."
Allen contemplated the tantalizing offer, "…n-n-no… I must not let him get to me…" Allen groaned, "…Too… tempting… must… resist…" the Destroyer of Time squeezed his eyes shut, "I-I-I wont… I'LL DO IT!" the last part burst out of his lips before he knew what he was saying.
Lavi's green eye widened, what a sick and twisted apprenticeship Allen must have, to take a joke proposal seriously.
Allen was mentally preparing himself, "…If I don't like Kanda, I will die. If I don't like Kanda, I will die. If I don't like Kanda, I will die."
"Wow… that's called taking things to extremes…" Lavi took a sip of coffee.
Allen had moved on from mantras to self-hypnotism, "You are getting sleepy…" he waved Timcampy in front of his face. In the end, Allen miscalculated and he was left in a trance like state with Lavi sitting next to him, the golden golem dangly limply from his disfigured hand.
The redhead smiled mischievously, a beam of sunshine dancing over his face, "Allen…" he whispered in his best spooky voice, "…Can you hear me?"
"Y-yes…" the sleeping exorcist mumbled back.
"When you wake up, you will become instantly become a Yu Kanda fangirl," Lavi confided in the unfortunate Mister Walker, "Understand?"
"Understood…" Allen mumbled back.
Lavi couldn't resist, "… and you will cosplay Kanda and mercilessly stalk him."
"BUCKET BRIGADE!" Johnny popped in and ruined the remainder of Lavi's fun.
"Sheesh," Reever stalked by with a bucket, "Allen should really get a restraining order on you, Lavi."
No one heard Lavi mumble, "You will now awaken."
The bookman in training sighed as he waded away through the floor of soggy paper in the Science Department, "And I hadn't even gotten to the part on erotic fantasies."
A/N: Dun! And the chapter's over, did it go in a different direction than you may have suspected?
The next chapter is called, "Pranking Mr. Personality." Sorry about dropping you guys off at a cliffhanger, concerning Kanda, but now I'm going to write about the multiple plots that surround the Black Order's portable evil aura maker… the conspiracy extends deeper than Kanda's brain can wrap around… Plus, we'll also find out about he papers that Lavi had…
Oh and if you review, I might tell you what the last word was at the end of the Kanda section that I decided to drop. Yep, I'm going to tell you what "It" was (And "It" was not "Growl"). Speaking of reviews…
Thanks so much for reviews! They are the joy of my life, the apple of my eye… the… yep, the things that unleash the cliché remarks of my heart.
