I don't know if I trusted Wigglytuff or not.
There was no indication for if I was supposed to find him weird as fuck or not. Chatot, the stupid feathery prick, seemed awfully resigned about the whole experience, and Skitty seemed so awed about the entire thing that I was now convinced that she couldn't actually open her eyes.
Judging from her expression, if she could, they would be filled with stars. Though maybe I should go back a little and explain just how I'd gotten here, huh?
Getting out of Beach Cave hadn't really presented much of a problem, and it hadn't taken any more than five minutes. We probably could have managed it in three, but Skitty had been a bit concerned about the two thugs that had tried to steal her shit, and in the end had managed to convince me to carry them out.
Thankfully, nothing tried to start anything as we made our way through, properly cowed by our initial rampage. Well, thankfully for the two… Pokémon (that would take some getting used to) that had become my luggage, because I really had no compunctions against using them both as clubs if things got a little dicey. It was with a little too much enthusiasm that I dumped both of their bodies off to the side of the beach as soon as we emerged from the cave, taking a moment to make sure there wasn't anything else to loot from either of them before going over to join up with Skitty.
She hadn't said anything about my more… unethical habits, which was fairly perceptive of her. She'd probably figured that I'd just grown up in a shitty neighbourhood, filled with all those gangs of aggressive Pokémon I'd heard so much about. I saw no reason to tell her that I was actually a human, mainly because I hadn't even seen another human yet and I wasn't sure they even existed here. Besides, if that was what she had been thinking, then she was close enough anyway.
I sure as fuck hadn't seen it coming when she asked me to join up with her, and become an explorer. With the way she went on about it, I figured that exploring was probably kind of important here, and there was no point in saying that I was intrigued. What really sold me on the idea, though, was just the way she spoke about her Relic Fragment.
She wanted to figure out where it fit in the world. She wanted to find its place. I got the feeling that she was projecting onto the stone a little, but that didn't really matter to me. She had a dream, and even though it was so damn simple, just the way she spoke about it…
It impressed the fuck out of me, and I wasn't very easily impressed. So if I could help her, and it gave me something to do whilst I tried to figure out just what the fuck had happened to me, I didn't really see much point in declining. Besides, exploring sounded like it could be fun, and I might as well learn everything I could about this place while I was here. I was either stuck here forever and would need the knowledge eventually, or just wasting time before I went back, so I may as well start being productive.
Getting into the Guild (and holy shit this Wigglytuff guy had a big head) had been… annoying, really. Skitty got through the ID process just fine, but…footprints? Seriously? Why did nothing in this fucking world make any sense? Anyway, after Skitty it had been my turn to stand on the grate, and that was when things started going a little downhill.
"Just so you guys know," I'd shouted down the grate, ignoring the squeak of fear from Skitty. She really needed to chill out, damn. "I'm apparently a Riolu."
"We'll decide for ourselves, thank you!" Came the voice that asked for confirmation, rather than the voice that had initially identified Skitty. And fuck, even though it was a fair distance away, that guy was loud.
"You trust my feet more than you trust me?" I shouted back, ignoring the urge to step off the grate. I wasn't really too thrilled at the idea of some other guy stroking himself to my feet, you know? Especially a guy who could be that loud, I didn't need that sort of shit in my life. "Yeah, whatever, you fucking weirdo!"
OK, so I never mentioned that I'd started it, but that's not important. All that was important was that it degenerated from there, and the resulting shouting match could probably be heard from that town that I could see down the hill. It only got worse after Lung's partner couldn't tell right off the bat what sort of Pokémon I was, which was somehow my fault.
Yeah, sorry that my species is so rare. You know, the species that could have easily just all died from disease or poaching and you would never know about it, because you already admitted that there weren't too many of them around. Maybe they were just in some other country so they could avoid your fucking species.
Not too many of me around, huh? Lemme just go get my harem and fucking rectify that, shall I? Dumbass.
The gate opened eventually, and I do fucking mean eventually, letting me and Skitty in. I've got to hand it to her, she didn't let it show too badly that she was absolutely mortified, just slightly embarrassed by my insistence of causing drama before we even got into the building. A few Pokémon gave us a look when we entered the room, glancing away quickly as I sent a sneer in their general direction.
I wasn't too interested in any of them, seeing as any one of them could have been the dipshit I was just dealing with. Understandably, I wasn't too keen on making friends just yet.
And then Chatot… oh my fucking God, Chatot. Where do I begin? Where can I begin? His high and mighty attitude, his complete disregard of Skitty's feelings, or his insistence on trying to suck the Guild Master's dick with that curved beak of his?
OK, sure, he hadn't actually made an effort (yet, and he better not have while I was in the room), but you could see the desire in his eyes.
Oh, and his utter inability to identify sarcasm. Sure, technically, I did steal my new bag, but the proper response would have been to roll his eyes at my blatant tone when I admitted that, not call a full Guild lockdown and attempt to tackle me to the ground.
Between the lectures on respecting your betters and the thorough searching of my general person (I'd threatened the first 'Mon that started towards Skitty with a Force Palm to the dick if he touched her, and surprisingly they'd all listened), that hadn't been a fun hour. But finally, fucking finally, we'd gotten down to the bottom floor of the Guild, and the first thing Chatot decided to do was scold Skitty for a perfectly reasonable and logical observation like the utter prick he was proving himself to be.
…Fine. I'd only known her for a few hours at best, but I admit that I was a little overprotective of Skitty. How could I not be, we'd kicked so much ass together in that cave that I just felt some sort of connection, one that I don't remember ever feeling in all twenty three years of my life. Every time a sound would come out of Chatot's throat, and Skitty would wilt under his unnecessary harshness, I felt the overwhelming urge to just tear off his stupid beak and stab him in the eye with it.
Well, if that was happening already after a few hours, then I was fucked if I ever had to leave. Like a mother forced to leave behind her baby, or an asshole from the gritty gutters of the city forced to give up the only shining beacon that had ever been aimed in his direction, albeit accidentally.
Huh, I wonder who the fucker who was about to get his brain bashed in was? Personally, my money was on Chatot.
But then, just as my impression of this place could sink even further below the deep blue, something miraculous happened.
The guy in charge turned out to not be an asshole. I know, I was shocked too. Like, whaaaaa…? That's how shocked I was.
My first thought on Wigglytuff was that the guy must have been higher than a cloud. He was just so damn happy, and I don't know about him, but that wouldn't have been my default setting if I was forced to deal with Chatot on a day to day basis. But as he danced around the room, even pausing at one point to lead Skitty around in a simple little two-step, it slowly dawned on me that I couldn't smell anything out of the ordinary in the room, and my new nose was pretty damn sensitive.
So either Wigglytuff had managed to find a vein underneath all that… fur? Fat? Whatever the Hell it was, and shove a needle into it with those oven mitts he called arms, or that's just how he was. I couldn't honestly figure out which one it was, but ultimately, I decided that he must have had something hold the needle for him as he ran into it.
It was the only possible explanation.
And so, that led me to now, blatantly ignoring the sour looks Chatot would send me every now and then as I waited for Wigglytuff to stop fucking around and actually make this visit worthwhile. Sure, Skitty looked like she was enjoying herself almost as much as he was, but there must have been something around here that was more interesting than this. Also, Wigglytuff's dancing sucked, but I wasn't about to tell him that. Let him have his dreams, because who knows, maybe with Chatot being around all the time they were all he had.
Yeah, I didn't like Chatot very much. Can you really blame me? The guy was horrible at first impressions.
"So what will your team name be?" Wigglytuff asked out of the blue, finishing his whatever-the-fuck-it-was lap around the room and coming to a stop in front of us. Skitty probably would have blinked at the question if she had eyes, turning to face me as I just chose to sprout possibly the stupidest thing I've ever said in my whole life.
"We have to name ourselves? For fuck sakes, fine." Scrubbing a hand over my face, I went through any possible name I could think of, which wasn't anything at all until something hit me from fucking nowhere.
"Poképals."
Even just thinking back on saying that name, I have to swallow down bile. What was I thinking, you may ask? Ah ha, trick question! Obviously, I fucking WASN'T!
Skitty liked it, though. Wigglytuff possible did too, but his dancing could really mean anything at this point. If it's any consolation, I did see Chatot roll his eyes with what I presume to be disgust from the corner of my vision.
It's no consolation whatsoever, but fuck me, right? Before I could backpedal away from the decision with the tail between my legs, Wigglytuff started to do his little jig again, shouting, "registering!" repeatedly over my bleak attempts of finding something to change it to.
"No, wait, how about something else like-"
"Registering!"
"Damn it, what about Shredders or Psychos 4 Hire or-"
"REGISTERING!"
Eventually, and I do mean eventually, I figured that we weren't getting out of there any time soon, and Wigglytuff held far more patience than I did. Armed with the knowledge that I now belonged to something with the word 'pals' in it, as well as a fancy box that Skitty seemed enamoured with, we were set free into the wild of Wigglytuff's Guild, with nothing but our own devices to entertain ourselves.
Come to think of it, I hadn't seen anything that looked like it ran on electricity. My heart only broke a little bit when I realised that meant none of the more fun things in life, but that was easy enough to get over. I'd never had easy access to electronics in the last decade or so anyway, so it wasn't like I would be unable to adjust.
"So what should we do now?" Skitty had followed me out of the room, using her tail to adjust the bow that she'd clipped just below her ear. It suited her, which was good, because there was no chance in Hell that I would ever wear it. I was far happier with my ascot looking thing, it made me look fancy.
That's what I was telling myself, at least. I'd not come across a mirror yet.
I blew a breath through my nose as I surveyed the lower level of the Guild, which was mostly empty. For somewhere that's apparently world famous, you'd expect for there to be more people interested in being part of the proceedings here. Eh, whatever, it'd take more than that to force me to care.
"Let's go meet everyone." I suggested, loosening the… what had Wigglytuff called it? Oh, yeah, it was a Power Band. Sure didn't look like a band, but then again, I sure didn't look very human right now. Again, that's what I was telling myself, I'd not come across a mirror yet.
Skitty agreed to my idea, and the sun was just starting to disappear under the horizon as we set off. The Guild itself wasn't too large, and there were signs to point out what was important to us. The first person thing we ran into was a guy who called himself Loudred, who I recognised as the guy I'd threatened to Force Palm in the dick earlier.
Yeah, he didn't like me too much. Which is cool, because I may have called him a mouth-breathing foghorn before parting ways. Dude screamed right in my face for no reason, I tell you, you think I'd take that sort of shit lying down?
Hell, at least Croagunk could read the situation. He'd told me his name after I'd told him mine, and after a moment of awkward silence, he'd very slowly turned around to stare at the cauldron at the back of his little store place thingy.
My kind of greeting. Quick, easy, relatively painless.
Sunflora… the less said, the better. That sort of abrupt dismissal was kind of unfair, I know, but it's not like I was very concerned for her feelings. I was here for Skitty only, and her chipper attitude was both overwhelming and irritating. Eek! Like, oh my gosh, shut the fuck up.
She was friendly, probably too friendly, in all honesty. But she'd been happy to show Skitty around and introduce her to everyone else. I didn't really care for the look she threw over her shoulder at me as they walked away, I already knew I hadn't exactly made the best first impression. Probably thought I would be corrupting Skitty's young mind with my mere presence or something.
Hah! Skitty hadn't ever even seen someone passed out on the beach. As far as I was concerned, she needed me and my worldly knowledge.
Corphish was pretty plain, which was actually refreshing. I would take plain over something stupid looking screaming in my face day in and day out. Chimecho had been perfectly polite, as if I hadn't made a massive scene as soon as I arrived. In fact, she seemed intent on trying to give me advice, and had even adjusted my ascot for me, straightening it up a little.
She reminded me of those stereotypical mothers that you would see on T.V sometimes. You know, the annoying ones that writers seem to mistake for funny constantly. I fully expected a laugh track to start playing after she told me to "turn my frown upside down."
Yeah, she actually said that. What the fuck is wrong with this place, you may ask? Well, first and foremost, everyone seemed to be an animal of some sort, and only a handful had shown themselves to actually be semi-intelligent. In case you're wondering, I'm not including Loudred in that group. I'm still trying to get his saliva out of my fur.
Bidoof was actually my favourite of the bunch. The kid seemed completely terrified of me, and I couldn't tell if it was because he was a Normal Type and I was supposedly a Fighting Type, which is apparently a good matchup for me, or because he'd been very close to the firing line earlier on in the day. I think what I liked about him the most is that he would always flinch whenever I blinked, and I could have sworn I heard him running away when I turned my back, which brought me a few good chuckles.
Was I being mean? Fuck yeah I was, I'm not too blind to realise that. But in my defense, he'd actually started out our conversation with, "howdy," and I hate everyone who uses that word unironically. That's, like, a rule of life.
So I was also projecting a little. I'm a Riolu now, I get to live a little.
I didn't end up finding anyone else who was apprenticing at the Guild during my little search. There were plenty of other Pokémon around, but seeing as I wasn't going to be sharing my living quarters with them, I couldn't care less. I did get a few of their names, usually whenever I got suckered into a conversation with one of them, but that didn't really happen too often.
Mainly because I wasn't above walking away when someone was talking to me, and everyone here seemed to be so sickeningly polite that they couldn't do shit about it. It was legitimately bizarre, like they'd never come across bad manners before.
At least, that's what I thought, until the dinner bell rang. I'd been climbing down to the lower levels of the Guild when Chimecho set the thing off, and I was literally thrown to the bottom by the stampede of every apprentice enrolled in the Guild. I managed to land on my feet, thankfully, and by the time I'd gathered a few good choice words to throw around, the last tail had already disappeared into the one room of the Guild I hadn't thought to explore.
So I did just that. And let me tell you, I saw some shit.
Now, where I came from, dinner translated to the largest meal of the day. You'd stack up a plate, maybe sit in front of the telly, or at a table with the rest of your family if you were weird, and you'd enjoy your food with a smattering of conversation throughout. You know, civilised and all that crap.
I thought I'd seen everything after I ended up on my own. Sometimes I would still recall that time when I came across two rats fighting over a few crumbs, until one of the rats broke the other's neck, smacked its head against the wall beside them a few times, and started snacking on its brain. I'd never stepped on another tail ever again after that display.
So I'd seen eating, and I'd seen chaos. But what I'd just walked in on? This was fucking anarchy.
Food was flying everywhere. I got hit in the fucking eye with some sort of berry as soon as I poked my head in. Wigglytuff was off in his own world, as per usual, bouncing an apple off the top of his head whilst mid dance. Every time it hit his head, a new bite mark appeared somewhere on its skin, and would you believe that that was the most normal thing that met my eyes?
Loudred was off at the far side of the table, a massive wooden pole sticking his mouth open. His arms weren't long enough to pull it out, so he was currently smacking his chin against the edge of his seat, desperate to shatter the thing. Beside him was someone that I'd never seen before, a brown jelly bean looking thing that was buried in the ground, smacking its head against the plate before it with reckless abandon. With every slam of its skull against the wood, the bowls of food would get closer, and with every centimetre covered, the head-butting grew all the more frenzied.
Beside that were three slightly bigger clones, who were copying its actions in perfect unison. Corphish sat beside them, a crazed gleam in his eye and an apple in his claw. He was waving the thing around like a madman, and even as I watched, the ever calm and polite Chimecho grabbed onto the apple with her mouth, tearing it and the claw from his body with a feral growl and swallowing them with a greedy slurp.
A brand new claw emerged from Corphish's stump, sending some sort of juice flying across the table and onto the back of Sunflora's head. I won't even pretend for a second that I have any fucking clue what she was doing, all I could tell was that she was face down in a plate of berry paste, and she wasn't moving at all. Bidoof was next to her, chewing on one of the leaves that was sprouting from her side with an insane gleam in his eyes, and Chatot was flying above the whole mess, shrieking and swiping food from the table every now and then and deftly avoided all attempts to knock him back to the ground.
Oh, and Skitty was somewhere in that whole mess too, yowling and hissing and flinging more food than what ended up in her mouth.
My eyes moved down to the edge of the table, landing on the only person there who was eating with some semblance of normalcy. Croagunk stared right back into my eyes, chewing whatever was in his mouth slowly even as something crashed into the table beside him. Food went flying everywhere, and with a simple flourish, my fellow Fighting Type slapped an airborne apple in my direction, the fruit making it through the din by the skin of its… skin.
I swiped it out of the air as it tried to jet past my ear, giving it a cursory glance over. It looked pretty clean, which was really all I could ask for. Not as big as some of the others on the table, but my appetite was pretty tiny regardless. Raising the red globe in a toast, my lips twisted into a sardonic smirk as Croagunk repeated my action with a berry of his own, before I turned away from the anarchy and made my way to the room that Chatot had shown me and Skitty to earlier.
On the way, I took a bite from the apple, almost gagging as the taste hit my tongue.
Fuck that was sweet!
