The Most Forgiven, chapter 2
Walking into their apartment, Uhura loosened the top of her jacket and threw her satchel into the front closet. Today had been busy but fulfilling. She really thought that she was going to like this position at Headquarters. Four weeks after all hell had broken loose over the conspiracy, things were finally starting to settle down. Hopefully, everyone at HQ would find themselves back in a normal routine soon.
"Greetings, Nyota."
Unable to suppress a little shriek, she spun to see Spock standing in the kitchen holding a steaming kettle. She pressed her hand over her heart and sagged.
"Heavens, Spock. You nearly scared me to death. What are you doing here? I thought that you were going to spend the night in Stockholm."
"We completed our business early, so I returned home."
"Oh. How did it go? Did they offer you a position?"
"Yes." He reached for two cups. "Would you care for some tea?"
"Please." She waited a few seconds, then exhaled impatiently. "So are you going to tell me about it?"
He shrugged. "They wish for me to head their physics department."
"Really?" She walked into the kitchen. "That's great! I know how much you like their program there, and—"
"I refused their offer."
"What?"
"I refused their offer."
"Why?"
"They are grossly underfunded, and I found their facilities to be less than adequate."
"But that's why they need you at the helm! You could take care of those things. It's a very prestigious institution, and I'd think that you would welcome a challenge like that."
"I would not. I prefer research to politics."
He handed her the cup of tea and left the kitchen. Open-mouthed, she watched him move to the desk and turn on the computer. This was his second interview this week, and he'd been dissatisfied with both of them. She couldn't figure it out. He'd been talking about those positions since before he retired, and now he was completely unenthusiastic.
She followed him, unwilling to let it drop.
"Spock, I'm worried about you. Nothing has been right since... for a while, now. Don't you want to talk about it? If not to me, then to Dr. McCoy. He was asking me about you just a few days ago—"
"Ah. So now you are discussing my welfare with Dr. McCoy? I assure you that I am well."
Although his words seemed to express disapproval, his tone was resigned, as if he were simply going through the motions of objecting to McCoy's involvement. Uhura had to turn away so that he wouldn't see the dismay on her face. She was trying her best, but why did she even bother? He obviously didn't care. This had been going on for nearly a month now. He had no interest in anything—not traveling, not interviews, not seeing his friends, not conversation, not sex—he just existed, from day to day.
She took her tea back to the bedroom, to sit by herself.
...
Ducking his head against the sharp March wind, Spock stepped out of the train station and headed toward home. His meeting with the Turner Conglomerate had been edifying, but not in the way he had hoped. Such was the problem with commercial ventures. They worked to satisfy the marketing experts, and the true value of their research was often lost in the quest for profit. Perhaps he would do better to turn his attention away from the private sector.
He glanced up at the sky, wondering if it would begin raining before he made it to the farmers market. The early crops were slow to arrive this year, but he had grown so disinterested in hothouse produce that he made it a point to check often. It would be agreeable to have fresh vegetables for lunch, and Nyota would be appreciative if he found something unique for dinner.
Nyota...
He pulled his collar higher as he thought about Nyota. She seemed to be enjoying her new job. That was good. At least one of them had found a satisfying position. It was also fortunate that her professional life was fulfilling, for he knew that their home life was somewhat lacking at the moment. He tightened his lips as he thought of their latest exchange, this morning before she left for work. He had been dressing for his interview in Atlanta, and she had expressed the desire that he 'try harder' to find something he 'liked' about this position.
Illogical.
Her voice had been rather disapproving as she said that, but it was a tone he had heard often recently. As a matter of fact, he was finding it increasingly difficult to ignore. He knew perfectly well that she had been horrified by what happened with Valeris. She did not need to continually remind him of her opinion on the matter. True, they had not openly discussed it since the day it had happened, but the implication was always there. Always.
It was unfortunate that she could not accept that he had only done what was necessary. However, it would do no good to explain it to her once again. He had tried to explain himself that night, but she hadn't even attempted to hear him. She had kept her distance, both physically and emotionally, and as she had looked at him...
His step slowed, but he took a deep breath and forced himself to continue.
As she had looked at him that night, the expression in her eyes had made it very clear that she found his actions detestable, and perhaps even found him detestable. His wife, his bondmate, his chosen life-partner had looked upon him with disgust and reprehension. And although she tried to disguise it, he suspected that those feelings had not faded.
The rain began to patter softly all about him, so he changed direction and increased his pace toward home.
...
Kirk kicked his boots off at the door and inhaled the heady scent of the stew he'd had bubbling all day. Working on the ranch sure gave him an appetite. It was a pity he didn't have anyone to share it with.
Then again, the veterinarian who'd been by to look at old Thunder the past three days seemed to be lingering more each time, and he knew that the smile she bestowed upon him meant more than just business as usual. She wasn't his typical type of woman—reserved, unexcitable, almost aloof—but he found that he was drawn to her nevertheless. Of course, it could be that he was drawn to her because she was different from all the others.
Maybe he'd invite her to stay for dinner when she stopped by next Wednesday for Thunder's follow-up appointment.
Stirring the stew, he decided that it needed just a few more minutes to cook. A flashing light on his computer caught his attention, so he walked into his office and sat down.
"Computer. List messages."
"You have one message, from Dr. Leonard McCoy."
Kirk grinned. No doubt Bones wanted to brag about his grandkids' latest accomplishments.
"Computer. Play message."
The screen brightened to show McCoy's craggy face.
"Hi, Jim. Guess you're out on the farm somewhere. When are you going to come back to civilization for a visit? People are starting to ask about you. I tell them that you ran off with an Orion slave girl, and pretty soon they're going to start believing me."
He chuckled, then grew serious again. "Actually, I called to talk to you about Spock. I dropped by to see if he and Uhura wanted to grab a bite last weekend, but he would hardly even talk to me. That's how it was the last time I was at their place, too. Even though Uhura tried to be polite and cover for him, I could tell that she's about at the end of her rope. She and I went for a walk in the park instead, but she wouldn't say a word about what's going on. She was really worn down, not like herself at all. Do you know what's eating him? I'm starting to get a little concerned.
"I guess that's it. Catch you later. McCoy out."
Kirk leaned back in his seat and scratched his chin. It was probably a good thing he'd been out when McCoy called, because he hadn't talked to Spock since they left the Enterprise. He'd been so busy on the ranch, always a million things to do. McCoy wouldn't let him live it down if he confessed that he hadn't even called his old friend.
Better take care of that now.
"Computer. Place a call to Captain Spock in San Francisco."
A moment later, Uhura's face appeared on the screen. Although she'd been smiling when she answered, her smile grew fixed when she saw who it was. "Hello, Captain. How are you?"
"I'm fine. Working hard. I just realized that I hadn't talked to you two in a while, and I thought I'd check in to see how you're doing."
"We're fine, thank you."
A hint of frostiness could be heard in her tone, and Kirk couldn't help but respond in kind. He and she hadn't had a normal conversation since their confrontation over Valeris, and the angry words of that day hung heavily in the air between them.
"I'm glad to hear it. Is Spock around?"
"Yes. Hold on a moment, and I'll get him."
"I am right here, Nyota."
Spock responded before she could rise. She looked up and nodded, and Kirk frowned at the sight. Maybe it was just his imagination, but there almost seemed to be a strained wariness between the two of them. Before he could think further about it, Spock took her place.
Kirk smiled. "Hello, Spock. I realized earlier that I hadn't talked to you in a while, so I thought I'd call. How have you been?"
"Quite well, Jim. And you?"
"Oh, doing great. I'm really getting into the swing of things here at the ranch. It's a terrific place. You should come visit me sometime."
"I understand from Dr. McCoy that you have already built a new barn."
"It's a beauty, and I almost have a full stable now, too. I've been clearing the back forty, and as soon as the ground thaws a little more I have a crew lined up to dig out my new pond, and... Well, I've been too busy to even stop and take a breath, but that's all right. I'm really enjoying myself. I should have done this years ago."
"I am gratified to hear that."
"So tell me about what you've been doing. Have you found a job that you like?"
"Not yet, but I have a number of prospects. I visited a facility in Sydney today, and I hope next week to..."
Kirk listened as Spock expounded on his career opportunities. What was McCoy worried about? Spock might seem a little tired, maybe, but that could be due to any number of causes. Hell, he'd just returned from Australia, and they'd surely kept him going all day. That would be enough to wear anyone out. McCoy had probably just caught Spock on a bad day before.
Relaxing, Kirk dismissed McCoy's concerns. Everything was fine.
...
Perched on a barstool, McCoy looked over at his drinking companion. "So tell me. How's life been treating you?"
Uhura gestured with her wine glass. "Pretty good. You know that I'm working at HQ now, don't you? Let me tell you, that place has been like a bag full of jumping beans. Since news of the conspiracy broke, everyone has been looking over their shoulders and suspecting their closest co-workers. Things are beginning to settle down, though, and I think I'm really going to like it."
"Sounds good. Who are you working for?"
"Admiral Watanebe. She has a reputation for being a real hard-liner, but we get along all right."
McCoy nodded, then picked up his drink and watched the ice cubes swirl around in the glass. He really hadn't come here for small talk, but he wasn't sure how to bring up his intended topic gracefully. Damn Jim, anyway. How could he not see something that was as clear as the nose on his face? McCoy had really been steamed after they talked this morning. But even though he had still been pissed when he showed up at Spock's and Uhura's door an hour ago, he'd been careful not to show it. After all, it wouldn't do to storm in. As his granddaddy had always said, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
And you get to the inner workings of a Vulcan better with casual offhandedness than direct barbs.
It had taken him many years to learn that, but it was true. Of course, he wasn't discounting the fact that the occasional direct barb still had its uses, if for no other reason than pure self-satisfaction, but he hadn't wanted to start out that way this evening. As it had turned out, Spock had refused to come with him and Uhura, so all of his careful tactics had been wasted. He might as well have gotten in his digs and enjoyed himself.
He sighed. No, he couldn't have done that. It was obvious that things weren't right with Spock.
Uhura continued their conversation. "What about you? How are your grandchildren?"
McCoy couldn't help but puff out his chest. "They're doing great. Lenny—he's the one named after me—made the all-star hockey team. They're playing in a tournament in Fairbanks next weekend, and we're all going up to watch. Rachel was in the school's spelling bee a few days ago and just missed winning it all. Timothy, uh, his biggest accomplishment recently was freeing the gerbils at his kindergarten. He thought they needed a haircut, but they were a mite quicker than he expected." He chuckled fondly. "That Timmy. You have to keep your eye on him every second."
"They sound like a wonderful bunch."
"They are. I can't get enough of them." He shook his head. "Timmy reminds me a lot of Saavik when she was young, liable to say or do anything. Speaking of Saavik, have you talked to her recently?"
"She called last week. She tried to play it cool, but I could tell that she's really excited about being on the Curie."
"I'm sure she'll do great there." McCoy decided to go for broke. "So tell me. How's Spock doing?"
She grew very still and then looked down at her hands. "He's fine. He's still searching for a position. Nothing has really appealed to him yet, but I'm sure he'll find what he's looking for soon."
Choosing his words carefully, he said, "I haven't seen much of him recently. It seems like he might be avoiding me."
She looked up hastily. "Oh no, it's not you. It's, well—" Clamping her lips together, she looked down again.
"Uhura, is everything all right? Between you two? I can't help but notice that you haven't been your usual cheery self recently, and Spock... I can't figure him out. He's always had his moods, but this seems like something more."
She shook her head, her eyes still downcast. "We're fine."
Reaching over to cover her hand with his own, he said, "Nyota, the two of you are my friends. I care about you. And I've known you too long to believe that everything is fine."
She slowly met his gaze but didn't say anything.
"Maybe I can help," he added.
Despair crept into her eyes, and she licked her lips and looked up at the ceiling. "You're too astute, Doctor."
"So do you want to talk about it?"
She hesitated for a long moment, then seemed to melt. "Ever since... ever since our last mission, he's grown harder and harder to live with. It's like he's slowly withdrawing into his own world. He's obsessed with finding the perfect job, yet nothing is good enough. He wanders the apartment at odd hours of the night, and he never has anything to say." She pushed her fingers through her hair. "We sleep in the same bed and we eat at the same table, but we don't share our lives anymore. I don't know what to do."
He nodded sympathetically. "What does he say about it?"
"He maintains that everything is fine. He won't admit that he has a problem, much less try to figure out what it is." She sighed. "But I know that everything is not all right. I can see it every day. And every day it gets worse."
"To be honest, I've seen it, too. Things just aren't right with him. Do you know what's causing this behavior? Is it retirement? Sometimes it can be hard to adjust to such a big change in life."
"It's..." She took a shaky breath. "...the forced mindmeld with Valeris. He's always had such strong principles, yet he did this awful thing and now he can't cope with it. He tries to fool himself that it was nothing, but I know it's tearing him up." She hung her head. "He refuses even to consider that what he did might have been wrong, and he refuses to consider that Captain Kirk shouldn't have asked it of him."
"Have you discussed this, specifically? Does he know you feel this way?"
"Oh, yes. I let him have it just afterwards," she said bitterly. "I didn't mince words. I really cut him to shreds. He didn't even try to defend himself and still doesn't. He simply maintains that what he did, he had to do."
"Have you considered the fact that he might be right?"
She looked up in disbelief. "How could that be right?"
"We needed the information. We had no choice—"
"But don't you understand? He raped her! It was nothing less than rape. And all because Captain Kirk asked him to." Her expression hardened. "The captain is just as bad. He took for granted that Spock would do this terrible thing for him, and he thinks that because it was in the line of duty, it was perfectly justified. Sure, Spock is good at fooling people, but the captain should be able to see that Spock is having trouble. Obviously he just doesn't want to look too closely. That would force him to admit that he was party to something as repugnant as rape, and he doesn't want to do that. The two of them go on like nothing ever happened, and I can hardly stand it."
McCoy inhaled deeply, considering his next words.
"Nyota, please take this in the spirit in which it's intended. I know that what Spock did goes against everything he's ever believed in, but we were desperate. All of us. There was no good solution. Yes, Jim probably shouldn't have asked it of him, but Spock made his decision and what's done is done. Do you think, maybe, that you're only compounding his problems with your disapproval?"
"Are you saying that this is my fault?"
"No, no. Not at all." He studied her for a moment, remembering the look of shocked disbelief on her features that fateful day on the bridge. "It's just that, well, Nyota, you have a big heart. I've seen you forgive other people for their errors a thousand times. Heaven knows I've given you plenty of opportunities to find fault with me, and you never have. But it seems to me that you hold Spock to incredibly high standards, and when he does something that demonstrates imperfection, you can't accept it."
"I can't believe you're saying this, Doctor. I, of all people, know he's not perfect. I don't hold him to any higher standards than he holds himself."
"Exactly. He hasn't met your standards, and he hasn't met his own. Poor guy. No wonder he's a mess."
She shook her head. "Are you saying that I should just pat him on the shoulder and say 'There, there, sorry you messed up but it's okay'?"
"No, but I guess what I'm saying is that maybe you should just try to understand."
"I've tried, Doctor. Believe me, I've tried."
"Then as a friend, I'm telling you to try harder." He could see an objection forming in her eyes, so he spoke hastily before she could voice it. "And another thing. You might also want to consider that you're only going to cause resentment if you try to force him to accept that Jim did something wrong. Believe me, I've been there. They have to work these things out in their own way and in their own time. When it comes to Jim, Spock sees only what he wants to see."
"I won't argue with that." She was silent for a long moment. "Doctor, I want Spock to get past this more than anyone. I can't lie to him, though, and tell him that it's all just fine with me. I was horrified by what he did—I still am—but I'd be willing to work through it with him if he'd only meet me halfway. I've even asked him to explain it to me. Heavens, I've begged him to explain it to me. I want to understand. But he won't try.
"I know how close-mouthed that damned Vulcan can be when he sets his mind to it." He turned his glass in his hands. "I know I've probably said too much as it is, but are you willing to hear one more little piece of advice?"
She softened. "Of course, Doctor."
"Just never forget how much he cares about you."
Drawing her eyebrows together, she sighed heavily and stared at her wine. "I won't, but sometimes that's not enough."
"True. But sometimes that's a starting point."
She nodded but didn't look up, and McCoy felt his spirits plummet. He hadn't gotten through to her. Yes, he knew how easy it was to get so buried in your worries that everything became muddled, so swamped by trouble that no matter how hard you tried nothing was clear anymore. He'd really hoped, though, that she would hear what he had to say. Maybe it would sink in later, after she'd had time to think about it.
Because if not, God help them. Spock and Uhura were on a path that could only lead to unhappiness, and once you got too far down that path, it was next to impossible to find your way back.
End chapter 2
