DISCLAIMER: Not mine.
Of Octopuses, Scandal and Dragons.
Blurb …
Ron and Hermione are getting married. But Victoire's stark naked, everyone thinks Neville loves Hermione; there's an octopus somewhere in the Burrow, and Ginny's in Australia. [Long Oneshot split into parts RHr HG NL and other's postDH
- - - P A R T T W O - - -
Harry sent his hurried letter to Ginny with a PS saying that he'll flay Ron alive if he didn't get his act together. Then he ambushed Luna as she went to the bathroom.
"Wha-Harry?"
"Luna, where's Hermione?" Harry asked.
"Trying to find Neville." She said. "I can't believe he loves her. Why would George tell Hermione that?"
"I-don't know." Harry said hurriedly. "Listen-Ron's gone."
"Gone-what?"
"Gone! He's done a runner! He got cold feet and left for Australia last night!"
Luna looked astonished. "But what are you going to do?"
"Stall-that's your's and Becca's job." Harry said. "You have to find Hermione, and stop her at all costs from getting ready. It'll crush her if she has to get into that wedding dress and not get married."
"Right-oh, Harry? Can I ask you something?"
"Sure, but make it quick." Harry said. Luna looked agitated, a little odd as Luna was normally easy-going.
"Is Neville really in love with Hermione then?" She asked.
"No."
"Oh good, because I love him."
"You-what?!"
"I love Neville." Luna repeated. "So I'm glad he doesn't love Hermione. That's all I wanted to know. Thanks, I'll tell Becca right now!"
She hurried off, leaving Harry rather confused. Everyone was still in their pyjamas, yet everyone was running around, with some odd job to do.
"This better be worth it." Harry muttered to himself, as then ran down stairs two at a time. Now he was going to find young Teddy. And get everyone's wands back.
George ran down the 3rd landing with Neville in tow. Neville sprinted off down some stairs, and yelled as George heard him trip and go flying.
"You all right, mate?" George yelled. A faint "Yeah!" came back.
"I'll handle the octopus, you owl Lavender!" George yelled. He turned the corner to where his room was, and saw the giant octopus-unfortunately, he didn't have his wand (Teddy did) and it was almost filling up the entire hallway.
"On second thought I'll stick to the rumours." He muttered and tore off back down the stairs Neville fell down.
The first person he encountered was Kingsley.
"Kingsley!" George said, panting slightly. "You'll never guess what I heard!"
"What?" He asked. His voice was rather soothing when he felt so stressed, but that didn't matter right now.
Great-what rumour was he saying again? The only thing that came to his mind was the baby one. Well …
"Hermione's pregnant!" He said, trying to sound excited, yet completely outraged at the same time. Kingsley looked shocked.
"How do you know?" He asked slowly.
"I-heard her talking to Luna." He made up.
"I just saw Luna." Kingsley said. "She was trying to find Hermione."
"Oh-erm, it must have been Becca then." George said. "I wasn't paying much attention-I was too shocked."
He had to hand it to himself-he was an excellent liar.
"Well, thanks for telling me. I'll make sure Hermione doesn't suffer too much stress. I'm here to sort out that octopus-have you seen it?"
"Up the stair's and round the corner!" George said. Kingsley hurried off and he hoped that Hermione wouldn't find out he started this rumour. He suddenly had a brain wave-he had an entire shop full of Weasley's Wizards Wheezey's merchandise at Diagon Alley-why didn't he use it to his advantage?
Percy yelled as George came lumbering into the kitchen-he was headless and blood was pouring from his neck.
Percy yelled with shock-George-headless-wha-?
"AHHHHHH!" Mrs Weasley screamed. "GEORGE! YOU'RE HEADLESS!"
She fainted onto the ground. George staggered over to the table, dripping blood all over the floor. Percy didn't know what to do. Suddenly, George raised a hand, pulled something and his head came into view. He was holding a feathered hat.
"Holy George, don't do that!" Percy yelled. "You almost gave me a heart attack! I wouldn't be surprised if mum died!"
"Didn't mean to go that far." He said. "How are things on the normal front?"
"Well Harry isn't back yet, and I heard from Kingsly that Hermione was pregnant." Percy answered. "You started the pregnancy rumour after all?"
"It was all I could think of!" He said. Percy rolled his eyes.
"Never mind, Lavender just arrived, looking for Neville." Percy said. "What should I tell her?"
"The truth." George said. "She's over the Ron/Hermione thing. I think."
They exchanged looks.
"Tell her Hermione's pregnant and Ron's still in love with her!" George said, running out of the room. Just then, Lavender came from outside, tossing aside her hair angrily.
"Percy Weasley, why on earth did you chuck me outside like that?" She asked.
"Hermione's pregnant and Ron's still in love with you!" Percy yelled, before running off.
Neville thundered down the first landing-where Hermione was in Ginny's room. He tore past without stopping, and burst into the kitchen to find Mrs Weasley on the floor and a harassed Percy bending over her. Blood was on the floor and Lavender was there, yelling and rounded on Neville as soon as he entered.
"Neville! Since when was Hermione pregnant?" She said. Neville started and almost toppled over.
"What?!"
"Hermione's pregnant!" She cried.
"George …" Neville muttered. "Listen, Lavender, Hermione's not pregnant."
"But-"
"I've got a plan, follow me …"
Rebecca was completely bewildered. Luna was an odd sort of person.
"So we've got to keep Hermione from getting ready." Luna finished with a flourish.
"Ron's gone, you say?"
"Yes."
"And we have to stall?"
"Yes."
Rebecca shook her head. Wizards were strange.
"Hermione seems like the last person to ever have a wedding go wrong." Rebecca said, shaking her head slightly.
"Ah, but she's marrying Ronald, you see." Luna said. And with that, they hurried off to Ginny's room, where Hermione no doubt was.
"There you two are!" Hermione said. "Come on, we're already 15 minutes behind."
Rebecca and Luna exchanged glances. "Look, you won't believe what's happened!" Rebecca said. She hoped something would come up in the next 30 seconds.
"Really? I don't really need something else happening. One of my good friends has just announced his love for me." Hermione reminded them. Luna mouthed "What happened?" Rebecca shrugged.
"Yes-well … er-"
Just then, there was a huge bang from upstairs. They all ran up at the steps and at the top, ran into total darkness.
"What on earth-?"
"Peruvian instant darkness powder, George you idiot!" Hermione yelled. "I have no idea where the stairs are!"
"That's the idea." Luna muttered.
"Shall we-erm …"
"Hermione?"
"What now?"
"My foot's stuck …"
Harry burst outside and tripped over a bush, almost falling onto the grass. Teddy and Victoire were sitting on the grass a few feet away, surrounded by a bunch of wands. He recognised his own in there-if only he could get his or maybe even Hermione's …
"Teddy-Bear! Vicka!" Harry called. The two children looked up and grinned. Teddy turned his hair bright green.
"Yes Uncle Harry?" they both said at the same time. Boy it was weird how they could do that.
"You've got an assortment of wands there." Harry said, sitting down next to them. He checked his watch-it was almost 8 O'clock. "What d'you need them for?"
"Magic, silly Harry!" Victoire said. She picked up one of them, which Harry thought might have been Mrs Weasley's and waved it. The marquee turned pink.
"Uh-" Harry suddenly grabbed a wand and yelled "Accio wands!"
He didn't know whose wand it was, and about a dozen wands came zooming towards him. Once he removed them from his eyes, he ran off, ignoring the shouts of Teddy and Victoire. Thank goodness there weren't any more children. Though with Fleur, she might pop one out any second.
He skidded into the kitchen to see Mrs Weasley drinking a hot drink and Percy soothing her.
"What happened?" Harry asked, dumping the wands on the table. "I got the wands back, though Teddy and Vicka aren't that happy with me."
"George happened. And thank you." Mrs Weasley said. "He pretended to be beheaded."
Harry snorted. He knew George was going to do something crazy like that.
"And now we've just found out that Hermione's pregnant!"
"What?!" Harry yelped. George said he wasn't going to start that rumour …
"Yes, Kingsley told us." Percy said. "Can I speak to you in the hall Harry?"
Harry followed Percy out of the kitchen and into the hallway.
"George said Hermione's pregnant?! She's going to flay him alive if she finds out!" He said in outrage.
"That's the least of our problems, Harry." Percy said. "We've heard no word from Ginny and Ron."
"Guys!" Neville came skidding into view with Lavender in tow.
"What now?" Harry asked.
"Listen, we've decided that we're going to disrupt the wedding." Lavender said. "I do love a scandal, and trust me-it won't be that big."
"What have you got in mind?" Percy asked apprehensively.
"We're going to announce at lunch 'accidentally' that Ron's cheating on Hermione with Lavender."
"What?!" Percy and Harry said at the same time.
"So much for not so big! Hermione'll kill you! Not to mention Ron!"
"Yes, well where is Ron?" Lavender asked. Percy, Neville and Harry exchanged looks.
"G-getting ready." Neville stammered. Lavender looked as if she didn't believe him but let it go anyway.
"Look, I don't think we should go for anything more extreme than … I dunno, look, just don't do that!" Harry said.
"Fine, fine. It would've been fun though." Lavender said.
"This isn't about fun! This is about Hermione not finding out!"
"Finding out what?"
Hermione was right behind them.
"Neville, I need to talk to you." Hermione said in a soft voice. Neville squeaked and dragged Lavender from the room. "Was that Lavender?" Hermione asked in amazement.
"Uh-yes! She's here on behalf of Parvarti-she can't make it …" Percy said at once.
"Can't make it?! This is turning into a nightmare!" Hermione was dressed, but nearly everyone else was still in their pyjamas. Harry placed a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"It'll be ok." Harry said.
"Ginny sent an owl!" Percy yelled form the kitchen.
"Got to go!" Harry said, thumping Hermione on the back and running off. They grabbed the letter and they all read it over Harry's shoulder:
Harry and whatnot-
Yes Ron's here, the idiot. He says he still loves Hermione, he's just afraid that he isn't good enough for Hermione, or some crap like that. I'm sorry, but he won't listen to a word I say! Plus we're still playing-the games been going for 31 hours.
I'm exhausted, but Ron says he'll come with me. I say that he's being stupid, but I'm serious, he won't listen. I'll get him there as fast as I can.
Sorry about my writing-I'm flying and writing at the same time.
-Ginny xox.
"Bloody Ron, I am going to so punch him when he gets here." Harry muttered. George came flying into the room, with a cloud of black smoke at his heels.
"Word of advice-don't go upstairs." He said. "What's up?"
Harry gave him the letter. George read it before swearing.
"Bloody Ron!"
"That's what I said."
"What do we do now?"
"Someone needs to tell Neville."
"We need to stall for another couple of hours." Percy said, rubbing his head. "This is a complete nightmare."
"You can say that again!"
Rebecca and Luna came running into view, covered in the black smoke.
"Hermione escaped on us!" Rebecca explained. "We've been distracting her from getting ready. Already Luna's pretended to be worried about never getting married herself, and I'm in love with two different men and don't know which one to choose!"
"Look, I'll distract Hermione." Percy offered. They all agreed, and he left the kitchen.
"The band's here!" Harry pointed out; he and George trooped outside, and saw a band of men in fancy outfits and carrying instrument cases.
"Over there." Harry said, pointing. They all went over to the still pink marquee and started setting up.
Harry turned to George. "What now?"
"I suppose try and act if nothing's wrong."
A difficult feat.
"I mean, the nights are the hardest." Luna was saying. Hermione was completely exasperated. "Sometimes I stay up all night. Thinking about it-will I ever find my forever? I want my forever. I can't be single my whole life. I'm Loony you know-no one would want me."
"Yes Luna, you will get married some day." Hermione said impatiently. "Can we get back to my wedding?"
"But then I see you and Ron and think-how did she get that? You two are so perfect-I want to be perfect. With someone of course. You know I'm in love with Neville, right?"
"What?!"
"Ooops." Luna muttered. Rebecca whacked her forehead with her hand. Hermione didn't have a clue what was going on.
"Luna, Neville loves me." Hermione reminded her. Luna glanced at Rebecca and burst into tears.
"I know!" She sobbed into her hands. "See what I mean? I'll never be with Neville! I'll never be with him! And because you're so perfect! I want to be you, Hermione!"
"A-All right, clam down!" Hermione said, half hugging her friend, and glancing at Rebecca. She was looking ecstatic and mouthing "Good job!" to Luna. She stopped when she realized Hermione was watching. Rebecca immediately sat down next to Luna.
"Yeah, it's all right Luna." She said. "You'll find someone someday."
"B-b-but I d-don't want t-to find some-some one! I w-want Neville!" Luna wailed. Hermione sighed. What on earth had gotten into these two? She was never going to get down that aisle at this rate.
"Hey mum, what d'you want me to do, eh? I'm here to help!" George said, throwing out his arms in a welcoming gesture. His mother just looked at him with a shrewd expression.
"After you pretended to be dead? What's the real reason?" Mrs Weasley asked.
"Look, I feel bad for doing that." George said. Wow. He had never said that in his life. Any prank he and Fred had pulled, they had never regretted. Except for that time they put a doxy in that person's bed-oh no wait, that was an awesome prank.
"Well … ok, you can start by getting Ron ready." Mrs Weasley said. "Where is he? I haven't seen him at all today."
"He-he's in his room." George lied. "Just a bit nervous. And thinking. About how married life will bring. What is it like to be married?"
"Er … wonderful, I guess." Mrs Weasley said.
"Really?" George said, pretending to sound fascinated. "Do tell …"
At 4 O'clock, the guests had started arriving-and no sign of Ron or Ginny.
"This is great, this is just great." Harry said sarcastically to Neville. He, and Lavender were planning on announcing Lavender's love for Ron.
"We'll have to great the guests." Neville said. They got Bill and Charlie to do it, and they directed the slow stream into the marquee. Once that was established, they went inside to see a Hermione in hysterics in the kitchen.
"Harry!" Hermione cried. "These crazy people have been throwing crazy stories and crazy problems at me all day! I'm not ready, and my wedding is to start in almost 45 minutes! What is going on?!"
"Er …" Harry glanced at Neville and Lavender.
"Hermione, I love you and I don't care if you're getting married!" Neville yelled. He went up to a bewildered Hermione-and kissed her full on the mouth.
"I-you-what?!" Hermione yelped after she shoved him away. "Neville, I'm in love with Ron!"
"Neville, since when did you love Hermione?" Luna asked. She and Rebecca came skidding into the polished floor of the kitchen and almost crashed into the table.
"Luna, he doesn't really." Rebecca said. Hermione stared, and George, Harry and Neville glared. "Oh. Ooops."
"Neville, what is going on?" Hermione said. "Do you love me or not?!"
"No, all right?" Neville yelled. "I don't love you! You want to know who I love? I love Luna!"
There was a stunned silence in which Harry marvelled at the fact that Neville just … nah, it was another ploy to distract everyone.
"You do?" Luna asked.
"Yes, all right?" Neville said. He went over to her and took her hands. "Yes I love you, and no I don't love Hermione." Luna smiled.
"In that case, I love you too." Luna said happily. This time Neville kissed Luna. Harry had to admit, it was rather sweet.
Nearly everyone gaped for a moment.
"Is it just me, or has all the laws of nature flown out the window?" George asked.
"George, the laws of nature flew out the window when we got up this morning." Harry said.
"Well this was unexpected." Hermione said. "And not trying to steal anyone's thunder here, but my wedding is happening today, and I'm going to go get ready." She hugged both Neville and Luna, then hurried up the stairs. There was a shriek and a cry from Hermione, "Would someone please get rid of that bloody octopus?!"
"I guess we ought to help." Rebecca said. "And hope for the best. Come on Luna."
"Luna what?" Luna asked vaguely.
"Luna!" Rebecca grabbed her by the arm, and dragged her away from Neville, who was smiling insanely.
"You all right mate?" George asked.
"Yeah …" Neville said breathlessly. Lavender, who hadn't said a word throughout this entire conversation, tutted.
"Neville come on, we have work to do.:" She took Neville's arm, and they disappeared through the front door and out of sight.
"Now we just have to hope Ron and Ginny get here within the next hour." Harry said, just as Percy hurried in.
"Nearly everyone thinks Hermione's pregnant!" He cried. "What on earth should I say?!"
"Is it distracting them?" George asked.
"Yes …"
"Then not the truth, that's for sure." He said. He cracked his knuckles and grinned. "Well, as I have an entire joke shop at my command, I think it'll go turn this into a wedding no one will forget." He disaprated with a crack.
"Should we get ready ourselves?" Harry asked Percy.
"I suppose."
"Harrrrrry! Don't I look pretty?" Victoire came in, wearing a pink flowergirl dress. While Ron was to be wearing dress robes, Hermione was going to wear a muggle dress. The wedding party had split what they were wearing between wizard and muggle, because of Hermione coming from a muggle background though the wedding was to be highly magical (something that worried Hermione's parents about her grandmother).
"Yes, you look very pretty." Harry commented, picking her up and twirling her. Victoire giggled as Fleur came after her, carrying Teddy and in a dress of purple, her pregnant belly somewhat concealed behind the folds of fabric.
"Zat girl ees running me off my feet!" Fleur commented. Harry handed her Victoire and Teddy handed Victoire a flower to wear. "I swear, when zis ees over, I will be sleeping on zat couch and not moving until tomorrow."
"We'll be sure not to wake you." Harry assured her. He and Percy went back to Ron's empty room and started to change into their dress robes.
"What are we going to do?" Percy asked.
"George seems to have something planned, and last time I saw him, he was scheming with Neville and Lavender." Harry said. "I think all we have to do is act normal."
Hermione looked beautiful. Unfortunately, if Ron and Ginny didn't get here soon, it'd all be for nothing.
"Hermione, you don't think my … hair is too thick, do you?" Luna asked.
"Luna … you're worried about how you look?" Hermione asked. Luna was wearing a dress the same as Rebecca and Ginny when she got there-bright blue and very pretty in Rebecca's opinion.
"Er-yes." Luna said. Rebecca nodded at her from behind Hermione. "Because-I'm in love with Neville, as you know, and I've got to look … erm, nice?"
"You're killing me, Luna." Hermione said, whacking her forehead with her palm.
"Luna, can I speak to you for a minute?" Rebecca asked suddenly. Without waiting for an answer, she grabbed her arm and dragged her outside into the corridor.
"We can't go on like this." She said.
"I know-I think my hair's perfectly fine actually." Luna agreed.
"We need George." Rebecca wondered out loud, wondering where the trouble maker had gone.
"George is right here!"
They both turned to see him running down the corridor, a bunch of firecrackers in one hand, and a huge box of them in the other. His wand was behind his ear, like Luna has done so many times.
"Need a distraction-I've got a whole bunch of them." He said. He showed the firework to Rebecca, who looked at it. It looked normal, but if it was made by wizards, it was likely to be insane.
"Are those what you used when you used on Professor Umbridge?" Luna asked interestingly.
"The very same." George nodded. "This batch is going to be used in the marquee-hopefully it'll stall everyone by about half an hour or so. Back at Hogwarts, they lasted all day."
"We don't need them to last that long." Rebecca said knowingly. "Just for an hour or so."
"Cool." George said. He hoisted the fireworks more securely in his arms. "Time to create a wedding people'll be talking about for years."
He ran off.
"My friends are never going to believe this." Rebecca said to Luna.
A/N: I think this was even longer than the first one. I had so much fun writing this, especially the NL. Because Neville/Luna will always be canon in my eyes (And nothing will ever change that). I hope everyone liked.
Reviews appricated, until next time-
-Moon. : D
