2. E.E.P
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While Lister sat huddled in the corner, gulping down his toast and slowly drinking his lager to relish it, Holly's voice echoed throughout the ship: "Everyone, there's been an interesting planet sighted, please hurry to Starbug to fly down and investigate." Lister slowly got to his feet, finished off his meal, and threw the plate and can to the ground. "All right, Hol, I'm coming."
He entered starbug's control room and glared at Rimmer.
"Look I didn't tough your smegging vindaloo, Lister, O.K?" Rimmer snarled, "I don't care. I don't enjoy other people's pain like you do. I don't know who did it, and frankly, I don't much care."
"You what? You love other people's pain, Rimmer. You love to have a go at me clothes, me food, me position on the ship, just to build up your own ego!"
"What's wrong, Mr Lister Sir?" Kryten asked, as he saw the purple faced Lister.
"Rimmer chucked me vindaloo into space just to see me squirm!"
"I don't think he would do that, sir. I mean, he maybe a pompous smeeeee heeeeee, but for starter's he couldn't, being a hologram and all. He would need either my help or the scutters, and since you are in a higher position than him I wouldn't be able to obey his orders because I know how much pain it would cause you, sir. And the scutters are pretty useless, lets face it. They could barely lift a vindaloo without dropping to the floor with a big splat!" Kryten chuckled at what must have been the imaginary vindaloo hitting the floor with a splat.
"All right, that's enough Kryten," said Rimmer, "Just tell us about this planet we're heading too."
"Well, Mr Rimmer Sir, it's an -"
"Hey guys, what the smeg is goin' on?" The cat had just entered the control room of starbug where they were sitting. He looked as snappily-dressed and well-groomed as ever, but there was a look of distress on his face. What could such a feline possibly be distressed about? "The robot machiney thing says that there's no food! No fish, no chicken, no nothing! I'm starving!"
"That is certainly very peculiar, sirs. I don't think Rimmer bothers with the cat; Lister, you have to agree. So something is getting rid of all the food on board."
Starbug lifted off.
"Except for toast," Lister moaned furiously, "Smegging toast."
Kryten chuckled: "I don't think a toaster would be any trouble sirs. His only job is to serve toast. He certainly wouldn't behave evil: it would go against his programming."
"Shut the smeg up about toast Kryten," demanded Rimmer, "I want to hear about this planet!"
"Well it's an EEP."
"An eep?" exclaimed Cat.
"Shut up!" yelled the others in unison.
Kryten continued: "No an E.E.P.: An Electronically Engineered Planet, designed to fulfil your life goals and dreams. When you enter, you will become completely made of electrical signals, like a character in a computer game."
"Hold on," said Lister, "Are you tellin' me that that planet is like the game 'Better than Life'?"
"I suppose so, sirs. But everything you eat and touch will be completely real, until you leave the planet. You see, it was originally designed as a holiday destination, not something to spend your life in."
"Will this be anything like the disaster that happened in the game?" Rimmer said apprehensively.
"What do you mean, Mr Rimmer," Kryten asked.
"Last time we went in Rimmer smegged it up 'cause his brain couldn't handle nice things happening to him," Lister replied grimly.
"Oh no sirs," Kryten affirmed, "This programme is much more advanced than a simple computer game: it delves into your subconscious and seeks out, intelligently, your biggest desires."
"Desires?" the Cat squeaked, "Can it make... people appear? You know... like girls?"
"Well, Mr Cat, this was always a tricky area for the creators and eventually they decided against it. They were too scared of being sued because people would fall in love with the electronic people and at the same time having their hearts broken and minds twisted at the horrible thought of them not being real."
"Sounds like Rimmer and inflatable Ingred" Lister smirked. Rimmer glared at him and his nostrils flared.
Starbug finally touched down in the electronic planet while the crew discussed, in the politest manner, what they would do when there. Meanwhile an observant toaster, held by one of the scutters while the other held a small connecting wire, waited patiently for them to leave.
