Days turned into weeks. Weeks turned into routine. They kept sharing a bed, played house, without ever addressing the nature of their relationship. A couple of days after their first night together, the night in which John attempted to kill himself and Ben stopped him, they moved into a nicer hotel.

"Mr. Dean Moriarty and Mr. Jeremy Bentham." Ben said at the reception when they checked in. It made John feel like they were criminals on the run; for Ben it seemed natural.

Ben would usually make some excuse to leave during the day, John stayed behind. He was still struggling, still sad, still desperate. Being with Ben made it better and worse all the same. At least he wasn't alone and even though they hardly talked about anything but how to get back to the island, John knew that Ben was desperate and broken as well, even more than John himself maybe.

They would go to bed early at night, kiss for a while, then fall asleep holding hands. They never got more intimate than that. John tried a few times but noticed it made Ben uncomfortable. So he stopped trying and sometimes they would just go to bed without even saying goodnight.

During their third week together Ben started coming home so late that John was already asleep, or he would be gone the whole night. In that case he would walk into the hotel room in the early hours of the morning, pretending it was the most normal thing. He never looked tired but he always was. The first time this happened, John asked him where he had been all night – but Ben would just answer with another question. There was no way Benjamin Linus would reveal something he didn't want to. Avoiding questions was his way of not having to lie to John. They both knew it was better that way.

Yet another night that was filled with silence and mystery, Ben rested his head on John's chest, trying to calm his thoughts to the sound of the other man's heartbeat. John moved his head towards Ben's forehead, gave him a butterfly kiss, then buried his face in Ben's hair. He didn't smell like he used to. The scent of old sweat, wet soil, sea water and death – all had been washed away by countless cold showers and replaced by metal and concrete and something John knew all too well: self-loathing.

Once again John took a deep breath and gathered all his courage to slip his hand underneath Ben's shirt. He gently touched the skin on Ben's back with his fingertips, trailing downwards until he reached the scar on his lower back.

"John." Ben whispered.

John immediately regretted it, pulled his hand out of Ben's shirt, closed his eyes and held his breath. "I'm sorry."

"No, don't be. I…. I'm flattered that you are interested in me… in that way." Ben stuttered while failing at the attempt to sound self-confident. "It's just, I…" Ben didn't know how to say it. He felt ridiculous and ashamed though at the same time knew there was nothing to be ashamed of – which only made it worse. He swallowed the lump that kept creeping up in his throat and looked anywhere but in John's eyes. "It's just that I was never with someone. I mean, I…"

"You never had sex. So what?" John interrupted. "I mean, don't get me wrong, if you don't feel like doing it – yet or ever – that's fine. It's your decision and I don't want to persuade you to do anything you don't want. But if all you worry about is the fact that you don't know what to do, simply because you've never done it…" John lowered his voice and turned around to whisper in Ben's ear. "…well, I've never done it with a man either, so if you must know: I am fairly nervous, too."

John tried to look at him again, but Ben seemed to be staring into an imaginary distance not allowing John to see what was on his mind. "Did I say something wrong?" John asked quietly.

"No, John. You said all the right things." Ben said, taking his eyes off the wall. "But could we stick to just kissing for a while?"

"Sure." John said with a grin and tousled through Ben's hair. "I promise I won't try anything naughty again, unless you ask me to, okay?"

Ben answered with a smile and a kiss on John's cheek. He fell asleep with his head back on John's chest a few minutes later.