Disclaimer: All familiar characters are owned by J.K Rowling and associates. No copyright infringement is intended. I write for pleasure, not money.

Summary: Draco notices that he has gotten a bigger belly than before and decides to blame it on Harry. Revenge must be taken, but will it be sweet?

A/N: I think this fic may be a crackfic... but then again I think a lot of my fics are crackfics... so read and review and favourite or follow, you know the drill :P

Draco's Revenge

Draco watched himself in the mirror. He was quite handsome if he got to say so himself. He could definitely see why Harry found him attractive. The only problem was the small belly that had started forming. It was probably Harry's fault for withdrawing sex. Yes, a month without sex would do that to people, he decided, even if he hadn't actually done it for quite a while before. Still, it had to be blamed on someone and it was obviouly not his fault; he didn't eat too much. Therefore, it was only logical to say that the fault was Harry's.

If Draco had thought a little further he might have remembered why Harry had chosen to leave him unsatisfied, he did pull quite a stunt in Diagon Alley last month and things still hadn't calmed down. But being Draco Malfoy, he didn't see how this could be related to his current situation so he swore to take revenge on Harry for his belly. How was a mystery, though, so he sat down on his bed and considered this seriously. And then he had the perfect idea.

"Do you think I've gotten fat?" Draco asked Harry when they were buying ice cream in Diagon Alley.

"Don't be silly Draco, of course I don't think you're fat." Harry answered, rolling his eyes. "You are such a girl sometimes."

"Are you sure though? Perhaps it is best that I don't have any ice cream."

"Stop it, I just told you that you aren't fat. You are actually way too skinny, so please have some." Harry said and let go of Teddy's hand to adjust his shirt. Draco grinned. He had already told Teddy exactly what to do if Harry let go of his hand and now he watched in silent joy as Teddy ran over to Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour and hid behind the queue. Draco then watched as Harry brought his hand down again to grab a hold of Teddy's only to find out that Teddy was gone. Harry looked up and around him in surprise and then turned to Draco.

"Teddy's gone!" Said Harry in a panicked voice. "He was just here, holding my hand and now he's nowhere to be seen! We have to look for him!" Harry then quickly started towards Eyelops Owl Emporium to lead his search. Draco sighed despite himself. He had known Harry would do this and it was the best way to scold him and drop the first hint that was a step of his plan, but it was still annoying to see Harry forget that he could do magic. He was probably the most powerful wizard in Britain for crying out loud. Five minutes passed before Draco ran to catch up to Harry.

"Harry! Harry!" He yelled unsuccessfully. "Potter!"

That got Harry to turn around.

"Yes?" Harry asked.

"You are an idiot, you know that. How can I ever expect you to be a good father to our child if you can't even use a simple locator spell?" He scolded, making Harry blush in embarrassment. "Point Me Teddy Potter." Said Draco and watched his wand spin and then settle for the direction he already knew Teddy would be in.

"Sorry." Harry said sheepishly as they walked towards the ice cream parlour.

"It's a good thing you have Lily in that baby carrier or I would worry about her too." Draco said, smirking.

"There you are, Teddy!" Harry burst out when they got to him. "Never ever do that to me again, do you know how worried I was?"
"Sowwy Daddy." The toddler said but still smiled at Draco when Harry wasn't looking. At that moment, Draco decided Teddy was definitely going to Slytherin. He was way too subtle about the smile compared to his age and Draco was so proud.

"Up, Father." Teddy demanded then and Draco shook his head but still picked up his cousin - son? - He wasn't sure he would ever get used to calling Teddy and Lily his children, but Harry seemed to think it was appropriate despite their, so far, brief relationship. At least he knew Harry took them seriously and would forgive him even if his revenge went a tad bit overboard.

"Are you really sure I should have ice cream?" Draco asked as they neared the parlour.

"For Merlin's sake, Draco, I thought we went over this a minute ago.

"Alright, alright. I guess I should remember to eat for two just in case." He said. Step one of his plan was now complete and soon Harry would start doubting his own knowledge.

A few days later, Draco thought it was time for step two. They were having dinner at the Burrow and Molly was fussing about in the kitchen, preparing food and entertaining her guests at the same time. Draco then dragged Ron and Hermione aside.

"Weasley." He adressed both of them and they looked at him amused. "I want you to tell Harry when he asks that male pregnancy is possible."

"Why?" Ron asked confused. "I mean, I have heard the myths but everybody knows that not even magic can make such a thing possible.

"I'm aware of that you imbecile." Draco answered irritated. "I need you to do it as it is a part of a plan I have to avenge myself for Potter refusing to fuck me since our first time with each other."

Ron's face became incredibly red at the mention of shagging whilst Hermione just started smiling.

"Will it be like the plan you had last month?" She asked, barely keeping the laughter out of her voice. "Because in that case, I'm in."

"Me too." Ron chimed in. "I thought it was hilarious. And it isn't often that Harry embarrasses himself anymore."

"So you'll do it?" Asked Draco and they both nodded. "Great." He said and went to find his boyfriend, amazed that the two Gryffindors were actually working with him.

"Wine?" Offered Harry when Draco came up to him and Draco felt his heart skip a beat in elation. His plan was almost going too well.

"No thanks, I'd better not drink in this state." He said and didn't miss the way Harry finally understood that something was going on. After all, Draco never turned down a fine glass of wine. Not much would be needed now.

During the next two days, Draco watched as Harry became withdrawn trying to figure out what Draco had meant by his hints. He didn't doubt that Harry would soon put together the clues (after the way he had almost lost Draco before they got together, Harry tried to pay more attention to subtleties) but he still thought it would be better to make absolutely sure that he got it. He entered Teddy's bedroom where Harry was sitting on the floor trying to play with Teddy and feed Lily at the same time. A hard task, but nothing was impossible when you were Harry Potter.

"Does it look like my stomach has gotten bigger?" Draco asked Harry.

"Huh? No, of course not." Harry protested without taking his eyes off Lily whom he held in his arms.

"You're not even looking." Said Draco, making Harry finally spare him a glance.

"Fine. The truth? Yes, I think your tummy may have gotten a little bigger but it looks good. You look much more healthy this way so please let it stay Draco." Harry answered softly with intense eyes. Draco almost called off his plan right there - if Harry thought he was even more handsome like this, perhaps it wasn't so bad? Still, Harry had to pay for making him think he looked fat in the first place.

"I guess I'll have to... I don't even think I have been eating more than usual. Though I have had a craving for sweets. In fact, I'm gonna go to Diagon Alley to buy some sweets right now."

Harry gave him a weird look but otherwise didn't make any indication he understood yet.

"Okay, have fun." He said and kissed him before he left.

In Diagon Alley, Draco went straight for Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes. He was immediately greeted by George Weasley.

"Ah, Draco Malfoy. What can I do you for?" He said and Draco almost smiled. Almost.

"I'd like to buy some of your Puking Pastilles, if you can show me where they are."

"Of course." George said and smiled in a way that told Draco that Ron hadn't been able to keep his mouth shut. Well, at least this prankster would be sympathetic as long as it was just a prank. And it basically was.

The next day, Draco emerged from the bedroom to find Harry cooking. He saw the perfect opportunity to get the last part of his plan brought into reality. First, he went up to Harry to hug him and kiss him.

"Good morning, love." Draco said. "It smells fantastic."

"'Morning." Harry yawned. "Hopefully it'll taste the same way."
Draco now made a subtle movement to bring the puking pastille to his mouth and swallowed whilst Harry wasn't looking. A moment later, he felt himself gag.

"I think I'm gonna be sick." He managed and then bent over the sink.

"What's wrong?" Harry asked and Draco watched from his peripheral vision as Harry's eyes widened. "I need to see Hermione!" He said and left Draco to swallow the other half of his puking pastille so he could stop the dry heaving. 'Finally' thought Draco 'Now he's going to ask Gran- Hermione if it's possible for men to get pregnant'. He was already rejoicing his successful revenge.

When Harry returned a few hours later, he looked slightly out of breath.

"Draco..." He started. "I'm not sure how to ask this... but do you think it's possible that you're pregnant? I mean you've gained a little weight around you stomach and you have had cravings for sweets and you had morning sickness and... wait a second, you even mentioned me being the father of our child and not children. Holy shit, you're pregnant!" Harry looked horrified and after a minute in silence when Harry still stood there, mouth agape, Draco took pity on him.

"Actually, Potter, I'm not."

"You're not?" Harry asked looking a mix between relieved and angry. "You just pretended to be?"

"Of course. Male pregnancy isn't even possible. I simply asked Hermione and Weasley to tell you it was." Draco smirked.

"But - why?" Asked Harry.

"Because it's your fault I've gotten this belly in the first place. You haven't slept with me since that first night so I gained some weight when I didn't exercise in that way. This was my revenge and you fell for it perfectly."
"So you just decided that because you now have a boyfriend you could blame everything on him? If you thought back you would remember that you were the one who fucked up in a way that forced me to withdraw that privilege. I think you'll need another sex-free month since you just fucked up again."

"What? No! That was not the outcome I was going for!" Draco shouted horrified.

"Perhaps you should have thought of that before, eh? Remember: he who laughs last, laughs best." Harry said and left the room.

"Bloody hell." Draco sighed miserably.

"Hell." Teddy echoed happily from his chair. "Hell, hell, hell."