Previously on Chaos Law:
There's a freaking LINK up and to the right! Well, it's more right than up, but it's there! Find out for yourself what happened, although I doubt it will clear up much.
Guest reviews! I mean, review!
LoveYouEpicThoth: Sorry you lost the silent contest. Would you mind signing this form indicating that I am in no way responsible for your talking and should not be held accountable for any purpose whatsoever, absolving me of any suspicion in similar events, including this one? Also, I'm not sure anything that happens in chapter one can be considered a plot twist. Just unorthodox.
Who knew contradictorily was a word?
Why do I even need to say I don't own Phineas and Ferb?
Are you even answering my persistent queries in real time
Will you enjoy the next chapter?
Isabella
Irving and Priscilla?
How could it be them?
Everything the voice said, everything we did, it all pointed to us!
Who's Priscilla?
I look at the other people littering the hallway, and it turns out none of them were watching me and Phineas. Rather, they were all staring at Irving and some other nerd—Priscilla, I suppose—situated a little further down the corridor.
At least no one saw us, then.
I could be proven wrong, though, because Buford is running through the halls toward us.
"See?" he screams. "Do you see what I have to compete with?"
"What?" Phineas asks, confused.
"The announcement!" Buford yells, outraged. "Nothing embarrasses nerds more than public displays of affection! Whoever did that just got some major points in the Bullympics, plus some bonus for the song!"
I breathe a sigh of relief. Not proven wrong.
"Wait a minute," Buford adds. "Something's up here."
"The roof?" Phineas offers, cracking a smile. "Or if you don't like it, there's always the sky."
"No, not that," Buford mutters. "It's something else. Something about—"
The truth finally dawns on Buford like a mouse spotting its cheese. Or some other simile.
"Hold on. Did you two—"
He looks back and forth between me and Phineas. Both of us just stand there flustered, neither willing to deny it.
Buford gasps. "You did!"
Phineas desperately tries to formulate a defense. "Well, how were we supposed to know that P and I meant Priscilla and Irving? I didn't even know there was a Priscilla in the school! Besides, everything on the announcements coincided with everything happening between us! It was nothing serious! I swear!"
The more Phineas talks, the more Buford smiles. "This is great, this is great..." he keeps muttering. Then he runs off without saying good-bye.
Buford
I don't know what Isabella's complaining about back there. I did say farewell.
Either way, it's like I said: this is great. If I start making that kiss serious, I can get some major points for embarrassing Phineas. Only problem is, I don't know if Dinner Bell qualifies as a nerd. I have to confer with the official Bullympic committee.
The committee meets under extreme secrecy and takes every precaution to keep it that way. They meet in only the least suspicious of locations—the janitor's closet, which is a lot bigger than it looks—and everyone has to use a special knock to gain access.
So I arrive at the fabled closet and slam the door open.
"It's Buford," I say. "I want an audience with the Bullympic committee."
"Thank you for using the secret knock," the chairman says. I know he's the chairman because he looks the most like a chair.
"You may have your audience," the chairman continues. "Whaddaya want?"
"I want to know if Phineas Flynn qualifies as a nerd."
"Do you have his IQ test?"
I pull a piece of paper out of my pocket.
"One eighty-three," I say, showing them the paper.
None
"Wait, wait, wait," Phineas said, interrupting the story. He turned to Buford. "How did you get my IQ test?"
"It's a bully's job to keep up-to-date IQ tests on all of his compatriots and nerds." replied Buford.
"I never even took an IQ test!" Phineas protested.
"Oh, really?" Buford asked mysteriously.
Phineas just sat there, flustered.
"Now, where was I?" Buford said. "Ah, yes..."
Buford (Take 2)
"Do you have his IQ test?"
I pull a piece of paper out of my pocket.
"One eighty-three," I say, handing it to them.
The committee considers this number for a moment. For the first time, I notice how big some of these guys are. They look like they could put the fight in pillow fight.
"Hmm... One eighty-three," the chairman ponders. "Is that above or below the nerd IQ minimum of a hundred and seventy?"
"That's a tough call," one board member says. "I'm not entirely sure myself, but I think it just sneaks in."
"I don't," contradicts another member. "I think it's a bit under."
"Ha!" the first bully says. "That's because you've got maggots for brains!"
"If I'm a maggot, then you're... something that maggots eat!"
"Oh, yeah? Well you're stupid!"
"You're stupid!"
"Nu-uh!"
"Uh-uh!"
"We'll get back to you in a minute," the chairman tells me. Then he, along with the rest of the board, join the fray. I walk out of the closet.
"That went well," I muse. "Usually it only takes them half that time to start a fight."
Baljeet
I was so happy when we finally returned to the joys of school. Happy enough to sing a love song.
I am a nerd, a nerd back in school
With brand new classes, glasses and rules
I am a nerd, a nerd in the fall
For obvious reasons, best season of all
I concede that it may not be the traditional love song between a man and his woman, but that does not diminish the boundless love I was experiencing at the time.
I prefer to take good brains over good looks
It is the most important utensil
In another year striving for the best grades
Finally it is time to return
Yes, I admit it. I love school. More than I love... not school.
To the crispy clean pages of the textbooks
The feel of a freshly sharpened pencil
There should really be more back-to-school parades
After all, I am so eager to learn
I have been working on that song all summer, and finally—finally—I have had a chance to sing it. Oh, this is euphoria!
The empty lockers, the white blackboards
A mind to cram with info
Now we are here back in school
Is it not cool?
Just think of all the things we soon will know
I did not sing that last verse. It has neither the same rhythm nor the same melody. Yet in an instant, I recognize that it is a fantastical supplement to my first three verses, and would function superbly as the other half of a duet, should this song become one. So I continue.
We can learn about bonding in chemistry
Or perhaps tackle advanced calculus
English is the best road to proper grammar
Music class is but one easy A
With the random girl joining my song, I have to invent a new verse. Now, what rhymes with 'calculus'?
We could learn about modern world hist'ry
Make sure fictional facts will never fool us
Work in chop class with nails and a hammer
And it all is beginning today
'Fool us'... Eh, I've had better. While I sing these verses, my counterpart adds another in her style.
Another campus, another year
The hallways crowded once more
Sitting in a new desk
Sweet as the rest
Knowledge is an endless door
I conclude the song by repeating the first verse, and the other singer clearly has the same idea, as her voice does the same.
I am a nerd, a nerd back in school
With brand new classes, glasses and rules
I am a nerd, a nerd in the fall
For obvious reasons, best season of all
I stop singing now, but my counterpart has one final solo prepared.
The nine months that await
Will surely be the great-
-est of my life so far
The start of junior high
A time none can deny
Is meant to raise the bar
My only hope is that I can star
At the end of that stanza, I finally come face to face with the mystery singer.
"My name is Bill Gates," she says, extending a hand.
I hesitate. "But you are a girl," I protest. "In middle school. And Bill Gates is a boy. In adulthood."
"Did I say Bill Gates?" the girl asks, an apologetic tone to her voice. "I am so sorry. I meant to say Gill Bates. You seem I am a spooner, I cannot help it."
"Not the cuddle, I mean," she adds quickly, even though I know what she means. "I mean spooner as in I keep accidentally whipping flirts around. Like I said, I cannot help it."
Gill Bates catches her mistake quickly. "Flipping words," she corrects herself. "It is a speech impediment named for—"
"—Spooner," I interrupt. "I know this stuff. Archibald Spooner was a priest who kept mixing up the pronunciations of different words. Now people call his style of mistakes spoonerisms. Spoonerisms are pairs of words whose initial sounds can be switched around to make a different pairs of words. For example—"
"Sighing flosser becomes sighing flosser," Gill Bates finishes, a smile on her face.
"Flying saucer," I politely correct her.
"I meant to say that."
"I know you did."
"So you are who?" Gill Bates asks, and I jump at the horrendously incorrect grammar.
"Who are you?" she amends her previous statement, and I breathe a sigh of relief.
"My name is Baljeet," I tell her. "But you can just call me... Dr. Ninja."
"Oh, as in Dr. Ninja Baljeet," Gill replies.
"How do you know that?" I ask, flustered. I could have sworn Candace was the only one who ever watched Ferb TV. Then again, I could be wrong. This could be some alternate dimension or something.
"Ferb TV is, mike, lie favorite channel."
"You know, your grammatical mistakes do not make as much sense on paper," I point out.
She sighs. "I know. It does not make them any less existent."
Since the conversation has nowhere to go from here, I explain that I do not want to be late for class.
"But we are in lunch night row," she protests. "Class does not start for another fifteen minutes."
"The early bird gets the worm," I say, a smile on my face as I hop off to English.
"But the second mouse gets the cheese," she replies, watching as I skip merrily down the hall.
I never could shake the feeling that I had just met someone who would be by my side for years to come.
So, what do you think of Gill? And for the record, this Spooner guy really did exist. Perhaps his most famous slip-up was when he got an audience with the queen and told her of his 'half-warmed fish' instead of his 'half-formed wish'.
~Review! If you please.
