Toshiya had learned from long experience that the best way for him to contemplate matters that troubled him was to think about them while he was running - and the best place for running was along the canal bank. So he ran, letting his feet take him along the path so familiar that he could run it in his sleep; and as he ran, he let his mind wander.
Why am I still here?
How long has it been since Mayumura first confronted me with the accusation that I was complacent and lukewarm, not having a will of my own? That by playing baseball to make others happy I was taking the easy way out?
I wasn't taking the easy way out, was I? Didn't I find my strength in knowing that others depended on me to succeed? Wasn't I more successful and confident when I was motivated by the desire to make others happy?
Mayumura would certainly see such motivation as lukewarm; he always knows what he wants for himself, what helps make him strong - and he goes after it aggressively, with great singleness of purpose. Goro-kun is like that, too - pitting himself against the best, making them him his rivals so that he pushes himself into becoming stronger.
Why am I so different in what motivates me? Or rather, in what has motivated me until now? It's not wrong to find one's strength in serving others - my continued success in baseball proves that such service has not been wasted or wrongly placed. My bat is still strong and my control in the battery with my pitchers has given us many a victory.
But...
"Step aside if you're going to just stand there thinking!" a voice called out. "You're blocking the way!"
Toshiya found to his surprise that he was no longer running. Instead, he was standing still in the middle of the path, and those who were out and about walking or running the same path had to swerve to get around him.
"Sorry!" he cried to the back of the runner who had reprimanded him as he passed by. "I'm sorry!"
Moving away from the path, Toshiya sat down on a bench at the edge of the canal. He watched the sakura petals slowly swirling in the water as they floated downstream and tried to get his own swirling thoughts back on track.
It's not wrong to want to make people happy, to find one's strength in serving others...
But is that still what I want? There are those who still rely on me, whose continued happiness is something to which I can contribute with my bat and my catcher's mitt. But is it enough for me now? Is it time for a change?
Even Goro-kun changed - he told me so himself! After struggling with and overcoming yips, he lost his focus. Even his great rivalries with strong batters and the goal he always had before him of facing Joe Gibson were not enough to put the fire back into his soul, even when he performed adequately in his pitching. But he found his way again when he realized how many were relying on him for their dreams - his friends, his teammates, the fans. His confidence returned with that new goal before him, and so did his zeal.
Having others rely on me for their dreams is what I have always had before me as my focus - and it has been good. But... but I wonder...? Am I truly content to continue in this way? What would it be like to give up what I have gained here to start anew in a different place?
It's rather exciting to think of such a challenge, actually!
A sudden image flashed before his eyes, a memory of a time long passed - himself crouched in his room, covering his ears as Goro shouted to him from outside: 'Don't you want to test yourself? Aren't we going to beat Kaidou together?' And his own voice muttering, 'It's fine, this is fine!' And then, his grandfather saying, 'It's okay to be selfish...'
Okay to be selfish... okay to pursue a dream for myself… okay to step out and discover what I want to do to test myself anew...
Toshiya smiled, and spoke aloud to the sakura blossoms that swirled in the water, yet moved resolutely along with the current.
"Perhaps Grandfather is right - perhaps it truly is time for me to begin dreaming a new dream!"
