THE WHOLE SWEATING THING

In which Neku and Joshua are hot guys.


It was hot outside.

Not that Neku cared. You couldn't feel the weather in the Underground. He learned this only recently, he was sorry to say – yesterday, there had been a light drizzle – but who could blame him? Last week, he had been much more focused on fighting for his life, er, existence, or whatever, and keeping Shiki's clumsy butt from sitting on Noise sigils. He had been busy, keeping both their asses out of Noise sigils, which sometimes looked like chairs. No, Neku Sakuraba was not worried about the weather.

However, this week was different. As the things that were new to him last week became routine, Neku began to pick up on things he hadn't noticed before. For example – the wind. It could blow Realgrounders' hats away, and not a hair of his would stir. He noticed why he didn't take damage from his own flames – they gave off no heat, at least not that he could feel.

And Neku had decided that the temperature held no sway in the plane of the dead, either. Today, the denizens of the RG were stumping around in tank-tops and hotpants and STILL slick with sweat, Neku could have been judo-chopping Noise in a hundred degrees below typical Yukon temperatures and it would have felt the same to him.

Some people were not so lucky.

Neku tapped his foot impatiently. Good grief, that kid was slower than...well, you name it. He would have lost to a dead snail and a sealed jar of molasses in a foot race. Why, the erosion rate on the moon could probably run laps around Yoshiya "mommy-calls-me-Joshua-giggle-i-just-crapped-myself" Kiryu. While suffocating in its sleep.

Just now, he saw the little pale-haired boy come cresting over the hill, gasping and stumbling. He was clutching at a stitch in his ribs and leaning against the wall for support, staggering along like an asthmatic drunk that had just downed four margaritas and a triathlon. Neku almost felt a twinge of pity for the boy, but – see here now, Neku – Joshua was an insufferable prick. Neku couldn't resist grinning when Joshua's knees gave out and he collapsed.

Five minutes later, however, Joshua hadn't twitched, and Neku began to have thoughts that bordered on concerned. Not for Joshua, heavens no – but if that fatty didn't get up soon, the poor sidewalk might get a stain. Neku cared more for that particular chunk of concrete than his partner, so out of the goodness of his unbeating heart, Neku ran up to Joshua's prostrate form and made to kick him off.

"Ack! Neku!" Joshua managed to do a barrel-roll and dodged the attack. "I'm getting up, I'm getting up, don't get your knickers in a knot..."

"Nice, StarFox, but you're still a big-time failure," Neku snapped. "As of now, you are going on a diet. No more of that greasy salt ramen for you, mister! From now on, all you're getting is vitamins! Speed-boosting vitamins!"

Joshua did that funny gasp thing he did whenever he was pissed by surprise. Ach-huuuh! "Neku Sakuraba, you wouldn't!"

"Try me." Any day. Any time. I'll pummel your guts until every last particle of salty noodle crap has evacuated the premises. And then, oh, let the protein shakes fall like rain.

"Oh, Neku..." Joshua moaned and pushed himself to his feet, only slightly slower than an arthritic giant tortoise in doing so. "You, Neku, will be the death of me."

Joshua was hardly the athletic type. He was built stockier than Neku was, yes, but he was about half as muscular and twice as soft-looking. His face still had that childish, cherubic look about it due to unshed baby fat in his cheeks, framed by fluffy, cloud-colored curls. He looked like the kind of kid who sat around in his house all day, drawing bad hentai doujins for Samurai Pizza Cats since he wasn't allowed to watch "mature" anime like, say, Pokemon. The kind of kid who had no friends. The kind of kid who learned self-defense from a hiptionary. In other words – totally gay. Why, when he had first introduced himself, Neku could've sworn he heard "Hel-lo~! My name is Leeron, but Mother and Father call me Ron. I suppose you can call me Ron, too – or Beautiful Queen, if you like, seeing as how you're the one whose drill will pierce my heavens~! (suggestive giggle)"

Neku was not pleased.

"Quit staring at me, Nekkun," Joshua mumbled, shifting from foot to foot. He ran his hands through his ambiguously-colored hair, lifting it up and kind of flipping it. Shibuya was so friggin' hot today, and Joshua hated it. Hated it. The poor kid could feel the pores on his back vomiting out rivers of saltwater that trickled down the small of his back in slimy trails like slugs, and his sleeves were sticking to his armpits. His hair – his lovely, fluffy hair – was clinging damply to his scalp in places, for God's sake. It was disgusting.

He was used to being in his true form – the radiant demigod surrounded by a swirling column of dust motes. It was very clean, very low-maintenance. You didn't have to always be swiping deodorant under your arms if you were composed of only light, dust, ashes and Soul. But you can't just bebop around Shibuya like that and expect the enemy not to notice; so Joshua had gone stealth mode and tuned into the RG. The ashes and dust motes had condensed into the beautiful masterpiece of a human that stood before Neku now, complete with human bodily functions. Go figure.

Now, it wasn't just for cosmetic reasons that Joshua hated sweating. Number one; dead people tend to not sweat. Number two; with the Proxy inches away and staring holes in his face, it was only a matter of time before he noticed the dampness that accumulated on Josh's skin. And number three; it was GROSS. Sure, it cooled you off, but only in the most nauseating way possible. Why didn't the Creator stick A/C knobs in people's asses instead? Good granny...

But for the time being, all Joshua could do was air out his hair and hope that his dear, temperate, climate-controlled Proxy didn't notice the twin Niagra Falls spilling down Joshua's calves and being sucked up thirstily by his jeans. It was hellishly hot today.


A/N: This is so zetta short. I thought it was funny, though... I was planning to add more, but...I can't remember what I was going to put. Hm.

ARBITRARY TTGL REFRENCE! If you don't watch that show...ahem...well, go to Tvtropes and look up 'camp gay' and you can probably get the joke. (Even though I think Joshua would be Nia in a crossover. Because, uh...Nia? Near? Hello-o?)

What I notice with Josh/Neku fics (not that I, uh, read them...*shifty eyes*) is that they start gettin' it on in the middle of the underground. NOT SO. If you'll kindly turn to like, the second sentence of the first secret report (or something) you'll find that Joshua was in the RG the whooooole time. So they could not even touch each other, let alone sex it up. Blleerrrgh.

Man, I hate Josh/Neku. DEEP PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP FTW.