Whoo! Second chapter! BEHOLD!
The Story So Far According to Jonathan Crane: No, I swear. Aprons are unisex! I don't know what the Joker is making a big deal of……...Story? Oh right! So I have this ingenious plan to poison Gotham with my fear toxin through Christmas cookies. It's a flawless plan! Having the Joker and Harvey help me can't be that bad, right? ………………………RIGHT?!
The Joker, Jonathan, and Harvey were all cramped inside the small kitchen. Each of them was bumping into each other and Crane was about to rip someone's head off in frustration.
Crane: No, no! Harvey, you're making the icing too uneven! The icing should be spread evenly on all of them! Can't you do anything right?!
Harvey's eyes begin watering as he is about to cry. Crane was being a major hard-ass.
Crane: The eggs should be cracked low to the bowl. Otherwise it'll be messy. Common sense! Don't you know anything?
Joker: If you don't let me crack this egg the way I want to, I will be cracking it into your face.
Crane: No, no let me do it! How about you stir the mix?
Joker: Yes, Master Craaaaane.
Crane: Stir it well. Harvey!!
Harvey: (throwing the icing down) What now?! Don't like my cookie icing penmanship?
Crane: No, you're using the red icing on the Christmas tree cookie.
Harvey: ……..Well maybe I want a red Christmas tree cookie alright?!
Crane: It's wrong!
Joker: Oh Harvey Harvey, Christmas trees aren't red. And Johnny Johnny…stop being a perfectionist. Are you this way with all your plans? You must be one tough character to live with.
Crane: I don't want any screw-ups. Besides, I was the one who told you two to leave so if you don't like the way I do things, please leave. AND STOP EATING THE COOKIE DOUGH!!!
Joker: Oh. Right.
Crane: I can't believe you talked me into allowing you to help.
Harvey: I can't believe I wanted to help to begin with. Baking blows.
Crane: Now I'm spending my Christmas Eve baking with two freaks.
Harvey: Hey, I'm the most normal one here.
Joker: And I'm not a freak. I just do what I want.
Crane: Liking eating my cookie dough?
Joker: Precisely!
Cue Jonathan's breaking point………….now. Crane immediately slammed down the large stirring spoon and turned to the Joker. He grabbed the Joker's Santa hat off his head and flung it out the window. Bad move Crane.
Joker: Hey!!! I stole that hate from a mall Santa! I want it back!
Crane: Too bad. Go outside and get it if you want. And maybe you can stay out while you are at it.
Before Crane could do anything, the Joker grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and had his knife out. Crane had his canister of fear toxin laying in the other room and no other weapon nearby so he was a little perturbed. This is what you would call friendship drama.
Joker: Are you trying to kick me out Dr. Crane?
Crane: That's the idea…
Joker: How would you like to hear a nice little Christmas story about how I got my scars instead, huh Doc?
Uh oh, the Joker didn't like losing his hat. Not at all. And Jonathan had nothing to fight back with. So Crane did the only thing he could do at the moment. With one free hand, he blindly reached out behind him and grabbed the first thing he could.
Crane: Let go of me Joker! I'm warning you I have a…..(pulls out object from behind)….spatula…?
Joker: ……
Crane: I have a spatula Joker and I'm not afraid to use it!!!
The Joker pushed Jonathan away and laughed hysterically. Oh Crane, you are hopeless.
Joker: Are you planning to spread icing on me to death?
Harvey: I think we should stop taking this so seriously.
Joker: Hehehehehe…Oh Crane I would never hurt you! You are too much fun when you get angry. And Harvey it right, for once. It's Christmas Eve! Enjoy yourself!
Crane: I'll enjoy myself when the job is done. Right now we need to finish this.
Knock knock! The three of them quickly turn to the door (which has MAGICALLY repaired itself because anything is possible in fanfiction!).
Crane: Oh great, did you invite others to crash my hideout?
Joker: Actually whoever is there has nothing to do with me.
Crane opens the door slowly and suspiciously lest the Batman be on the other side ready to beat him bloody. It wasn't the Batman, but nonetheless it was something bad. Crane scowled……CHRISTMAS CAROLERS.
Caroler 1: Hi there neighbor! We're here to spread the Christmas joy!
Crane: Actually I'd rather not—
Carolers: WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS! WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Crane: AUGH! (slams the door shut)
Carolers: (still audible from outside) WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS! AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Crane: GO AWAY!
Joker: HAHAHAHAHA!!! Let's kill them!!
Crane: I don't want a living room covered in blood. I'm doing my best to keep this place in livable conditions.
Joker: Would you rather sing with them instead?
Carolers: Siiiiiiiiilent niiiiight hoooooly niiiight.
Crane: I SAID GO AWAY!!
Harvey: Why not just offer them some of your fear cookies?
Crane: No, no…Wait! I have an idea! I'll give them some of my fear cookies! Hah! They'll run screaming!
Harvey: But that's…
Crane: Quiet Harvey, don't interrupt my intellectual musings.
Crane opens the door where the carolers are still singing.
Crane: Erm, very…nice. You all sound…great. How about some Christmas cookies? (holds out plate of cookies)
Carolers: Yay! Thanks! (they each take a cookie)
Joker: (popping up from behind Crane) How about you come inside for some warm milk and a nice, happy story by the fire too?
The carolers freeze in fear as they realize it is the Clown Price of Crime himself who is standing in front of them. They drop the cookies and flee in terror. Aww, they didn't even get to try Crane's delectable treats.
Joker: No story? I promise I'm not that bad of a storyteller! They're the stories everyone's been screaming about! No, come baaaaaaaaaaaaaack!!
Crane: JOKER!!
Joker: What? What did I do?
Crane: Couldn't you at least wait until they tried my fear cookies?
Joker: Aww, is the scary little Scarecrow sad that I stole his thunder? You should take a lesson from my methods. See, I don't even need a fear poison to make people fear me.
Crane: Your methods? You're a savage, Joker. Now, I have to get back to my work.
Joker: (sticks tongue out at Crane and notices a book at his feet) Hey look! They dropped their book of Christmas carols.
Crane: (groans) You better not.
Joker: Hehe-haha better not what?
Crane: Sing.
Joker: Sing? Well what a spectacular idea! WE WISH YOU A SCARY CHRISTMAS! WE WISH YOU A SCARY CHRISTMAS!
Harvey: Fuck, now you got him going.
Crane: I didn't mean to. Joker quit it.
Joker: WE WISH YOU A SCARY CHRISTMAS AND A BLOODY NEW YEAR!!! AHAHAHA-HAHA-HEHEHE!! Now everybody! HAHAHA!!!
Crane was just about to throw the bowl of batter at the Joker when he saw something even better to chuck at the psycho clown. Pie.
Crane: (picking up the pie) TAKE THIS YOU PSYCHO CAROLING CLOWN!
The pie flies DRAMATICALLY through the air, right across Harvey, right across the cookies, right across the little remains of Crane's patience with the Joker, and directly into the Joker's face.
SPLAT.
Silence. Crane looks at the Joker. The Joker looks at Crane. Harvey looks down at the cookies. Harvey just wanted a cookie. Just one. Then Crane realizes what he just did, realizes that he just hit the most dangerous psychotic killer ever in the face with a PIE. A pumpkin pie to be exact. It was oozing down the Joker's stunned face. Uh oh.
Crane: …Oops.
Joker: …….
Crane: …Stay away from me Joker. Don't take one step towards me.
The Joker takes a step towards Crane. Crane flinches. Harvey continues gazing at the delicious cookie. OH THE TENSION!!
Crane: Okay…that's far enough Joker! You had it coming!
And another step! And another! And another! Pie chunks fall to the ground and charcoal eyes fill with bloodlust! Defenseless Crane! Hungry Harvey! Will this ever end?!
Joker: (coming right up to Crane) You Doctor Crane are…A COMEDIC GENIUS!!!
The Joker laughs harder and creepier than ever as he wraps his arms around Crane in an awkward embrace.
Joker: AHAHAHA-HEHEHE…Why didn't I remember it? Pie in the face! It's the greatest side-splitter.
Crane: Er, thanks? Can you let go of me now?
Here's Harvey's chance! They're distracted! Harvey sneakily reaches for a cookie.
Crane: HARVEY THOSE COOKIES AREN'T FOR YOU! They're for the doomed people of Gotham.
Harvey: Just one?
Crane: No Harvey.
Harvey: Just one as kudos for finishing the cookies?
Crane: No, you get nothing. Wait, we finished? The cookies are all finished?
Harvey: Yes! Now can have one? And maybe go relax? This is exhausting…
Crane: That means we can finally start on the cupcakes
Joker/Harvey: Cupcakes?
Crane: Yesssss. Fear cupcakes.
To Be Continued...NOW!
