Before I begin, please forgive me for typos. Please forgive me for grammatical errors, I'm usually too impatient to update to edit properly. And I want to be an editor when I leave school… dream on Jessica.
Chapter Two
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May 6th, 2006
A diary; a journal; a notebook. Right. I've seen Ginny writing in one of these lately, so I figured, let's start one too. No. I lie. Ginny just looked at me expectantly one those doe eyes of hers and suggested that I start one because it was stress relieving and it was good to get all your feelings out, to ink down your thoughts and never forget them when you need them the most. It sounded like the words had more meaning to it, but she didn't feel like talking, so I let it drop.
Ginny also happened to be flicking through a wedding magazine so she also could be thinking that love diaries that the two of us will have written would be romantic and a great wedding gift idea.
I love Ginny's crazy wedding ideas. I can feel the fuzzy feeling right now, from my scalp to my toes. It's disgusting. It's wonderful.
As if she doesn't I already love her.
Ginevra Weasley, and I, Draco Malfoy are to wed on July the 2nd. What was that? Weasley? Malfoy? Wed in the same sentence?
Of course I'm barking. Barking mad with love. I sound like an idiot. Luckily no one will be reading this. Except for maybe Ginny.
I'm just thinking back here, to what Ginny said a couple of months ago. We were at 'The Burrow' (I still can't conceive why her family lives at a dwelling where rodents live! Oh wait, I've just answered my question. I'm so kind to my family in-law.)
Ahhh crap I've lost my place. Damn brackets. Well, we were at the Burrow, and it was Christmas time, and we were gorging ourselves on chocolate. Merlin, Ginny and I are going to get so fat, but anyway, she said that she had a dream that somebody wrote a book about our lives. Well, namely Potter's life. Since he's the fucking saviour of the whole freaking world. Damn that Ginny for making me soft inside! I may appreciate what wonder-boy has done, but I still don't like him.
Off-track. Anyway, she said that somebody wrote books about our lives and it was narrative. Apparently I was a bastard to Potter and his troopers. No wait, she said I was a bastard to everyone. This person, whoever he or she is, is very correct. Ginny continuously reminds me of this fact. I am very bastardly despite the fact my parents were married when I was born. Writing in this diary will furthermore cement my dastardliness.
I can't help it.
Gods, I remember when I was a kid, I'd walk down Diagon Alley with my mother and father, ¾ of an hour after Narcissa finished fussing with my appearance. Back at the Manor, I'd been dying to get out of the house and just go shopping but Lucius and Narcissa always insisted that I look my very best, because there were always eyes out there. Watching you, judging you, reporting about you.
Yeah whatever, I thought at the time. Then I got shown to the outside world. I was six years old. Six years old! I could already sniff down at someone who could be forty years older than me and treat him with the cold, calculated malice Lucius had. Lucius always breathed into my ear; "look at that filthy child, he's already too poor to afford decent attire and now he's jumping in that puddle. Look, his brother is joining in too. Simple pleasure's for simple minds." Moments before I was tensing, getting ready to jump into a puddle myself.
One of the first rules branded into my mind. Malfoys do not enjoy simple pleasures, since our minds are not simple in the first place.
I now realise how much of my childhood I had spent trying to be an adult, but I remember why I did it. It gave me attention and it gave me praise. Any positive attention and any praise, made my father proud, and that became an obsession.
Fuck, I craved attention.
I still do. Ginny tells me this every second day or so. She always falls for this. Our conversation generally flow like this:
Me: With you by my side, all the girls will you at you, then look at me, then nearly combust because of my outrageous good looks, oh, and with your beauty too. Men will then grind their teeth with jealousy, because I have such a hot fiancé whilst other men will forgo your beauty because I have converted them.
Ginny: You little attention craving brat! All you notice is yourself and how to use people to get other people to notice you!
Me: It comes naturally, my dearest Ginevra. Attention, usually sexual attention, always befalls me. Admit it, it affects you as well! It's always about me. You're undressing me with your eyes right now.
Of course, I am right. I can tell when Ginny's got sex on her mind because she's always running her tongue over her lips and biting them subconsciously. I am so great. This is the best part. Ginny always falls for this, and I've yet to tell her. The thought of her knowing this anyway and letting me get away with it never crossed my mind…
Ginny: You! Uh… I ah…
Then I smirk. It's like second nature. It's almost as natural as loving Ginny. Ginny, who says she cannot stand my smirk, (when really, it turns her on) always kisses the smirk off my face. Merlin, I'm grinning like a thirteen year old who's just gone on his first date and has achieved the first, sloppy kiss of his life.
I love kissing my fiancé.
And damn.
Can she kiss back or what?!
Sometimes, when Ginny's feeling well enough, the kissing leads to groping, and the groping turns into clothes tearing, and after all of that… well… we're just lying on the floor, breathing hard and saying to each other, "shit, our clothes!"
Merlin, just thinking about her, even her bare ankles can make me hard. Ginny also supposes I'm too horny. It pisses her off to no end when I can see right through her and she knows that I'm the best and the only stud in her life. I wish Ginny were here right now, but she's gone to see this new movie in a series that Colin got her and best friend Luna addicted to.
I can't deal with a boner right now, so I'll think of Snape and McGonagal confessing their love to each other.
Damn, it's not working, I'm thinking of Ginny and I confessing our love instead. Oh, I've got it. Hagrid in racy black lingerie. Oh Merlin, my quill is shaking. My body is cooling down now. Hagrid, no better way to turn off a horny man.
Back to kissing Ginny. One of my favourite pastimes. Sometimes her cancer has this way of flaring up on particular days, making days where she should be comfortable and happy be one of the most depressing. These days are the worst. With these days, you can see the apparently healthy and happy Ginny morph into terminally ill Ginny, who hasn't seen the light of day, who has trouble sleeping and has trouble eating.
It's days like these where her whole body is wracked with pain, and no amount of morphine potion will take it away. Days like these where they last forever. It's days like these when Ginny feels like she's actually dying. We have serious talks on these days.
We talk about our future. Our painfully short future. I look into her eyes and I know her pity isn't for herself. It's for me. Ginny's pity is the only one I accept. If Ginny is transparent to me, I am even more transparent to her. She sees right through all my bullshit and I don't have to explain. It's the strongest reason why I love her.
I'm afraid for her, but she always says that she's not scared. We both know that's not true. She definitely knows she doesn't have to lie to me. Denial isn't always as bad as it's made out to be. I know I'm scared. I know I'm scared shitless to be without her. She's the constant in my life, the bar I reach out for when I'm falling, to keep me steady and sane.
But she is dying. The healers said she wasn't going to live past twenty two. Well fuck them. She's twenty three and I'm not letting go… but it's like I'm trying to grab the rope that's connected to her. I know the rope is there, I know if I hold it in my hands she will never be torn away from me… but the rope is invisible. It's crushing, knowing that one simple cure could be invented to save her, but there is no cure. I can't hold that rope. I'm right here, it's in my vicinity but I'm too human to save her.
Ginny understands though. I'm twenty four and we've been together since I was seventeen. Even if I try to explain how useless I feel or not, she'll just know with her warm brown eyes and sweet smile. She has always known. It makes my dying heart liven up a bit, whilst ever since her diagnosis back in 2003, a dagger has been rammed into my stomach. Every day, it slithers up my stomach, millimeter by millimeter, it's slicing up to my heart, killing it when the cancer finally consumes her completely, causing pain in every second of its ascension.
Every time I think about Ginny leaving me, I feel like I can't move. I'm a cocky bastard. I boast my strength but really I'm just a blade of grass. On the bad days, I just can't cope. Ginny relies on me to get her through this, but when I'm the mess, she's the strong one.
Ginny is always the strong one. I need her, I admit, I need her to be strong for me. To keep myself from hurting, to let myself wallow in denial, because all I am is a selfish bastard and Ginny is the one with everything and she always gives.
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This is just a memory…
Ugh, Christmas, I think as I stride through the familiar hallways and corridors of Hogwarts. It's Christmas Eve and I think I'm going to puke. Everybody is so freaking happy. There is a war raging on outside of these school walls, but no one is afraid anymore. Any one of these days, Voldemort is going to be defeated.
Good, I'm glad. Stupid hypocritical wanker.
My final year at Hogwarts… I'm the Head Boy. That means I have to traipse around the school for three hours on the lookout for idiots who are dumb enough to sneak firewhisky into their common room then rove around the castle so shit faced they're going to trip over and probably crush to death "Mrs Norris."
Ah, Filch, another wanker I never liked.
Oh great, now I'm thinking I'm going to miss this place. But why am I kidding myself? It will be bittersweet leaving Hogwarts. Sweet, because I'll be a fully fledged wizard and I won't need Lucius's protection. Bitter, because this castle is a sanctuary. Merlin, thinking back now, how many times have I hid in this castle's protection?
This will be the seventh year I've stayed at the castle for Christmas. Honestly, fuck going back to the Manor. If I have to hear father talk anymore about my initiation or my duty, I'm going to bust every vein in my body. Now that I think about it… I don't think dear old dad will be at home.
I hope he gets thrown into Azkaban for life. Pedantic bastard. Oh god, mum. I love you but you are a fool. I can't do anything for you, you followed father and you'll follow him to death or jail.
I wonder what Blaise is up to. He's probably having an orgy with as many chicks as possible in the Slytherin dorm. Bloody hell, I have to admit, to myself only, Blaise and I are pretty damn lucky. What is it with chicks that fall for either very pale or very dark skinned and haired boys? Though Zabini and I are best mates till the very end, we're always at our throats at who's fucked the most girls. Currently, his notch is about fifteen more than me, but I've got more shit going on, with Lucius and the controversy around me.
Oh god, there's always controversy and shit going on around me. It comes with being a Malfoy. Damn Blaise, he always sees through my lies. He figured out there's a girl that I actually like. He says, "Draco. You haven't fucked a girl, any girl, for four months. The longest you can normally hold out for is a fortnight."
Damn him.
Good thing he doesn't know who the girl is. If he knew it was Ginny Weasley I'd never hear the end of it.
I can't concentrate on finding shit faced students killing Mrs Norris with their weight. I've got to get this silly redheaded girl off my mind! Damn her hot body, damn her sexy hair and damn her pretty face! Life was going perfectly before she had to go punch Thomas last year. Women recreating violence, it's a dick-hardening thought. I'm trying to figure out why I can't stop thinking about her. I think it's because she can actually stand up for herself whilst looking like a lost kitten. Innocent and naïve with sharp retractable claws.
Every time I get into bed with a girl, it's her face I see. It's her name I nearly always moan in the dark and when I can actually see the chick I'm screwing, I can't help but think whatever. After a year or so of boring sex, I've just given up. The girls will just have to flock to Zabini.
As if seeing her in my dreams are not enough. The past year I have noticed her every, fucking, day. I'm nearly ready to stab myself because I am quietly going mad. Maybe I should just stab Potter instead. Now that would be satisfying. Thank god the two split. As if seeing Ginny or Potter separately wasn't bad enough. Seeing them together was, just, ugh, blind rage. On one hand, Ginny with her face flushed and her eyes starry was enough to make me need to wank underneath the table. On the other hand, seeing Potter was enough to make my dick never want to see the day of light again. Once Potter touched Ginny, I couldn't see anything but my food on the table else Potter would be in a morgue.
I loathe to say this, but I'm getting desperate. Despite Lucius's love-affair with Voldemort, he was right about Malfoys. Malfoys are never desperate. Bloody fucking Merlin, does this mean I'm not a Malfoy?
Malfoy, the sexual conquistador, bedded more girls than usual for a seventeen year old male, can't get the girl he's crushing after and must resort to cruel remarks to win her affection. The only bloody way to get her attention! We've been trading insults ever since she threw that fantastic punch! Nearly every time I speak to her, her face softens up at first. I'm pretty sure it was because I massaged her hand.
Impulse. Mafoys never act on impulse. I think I am the first exception in my whole family.
Then I insult her and her face hardens like granite. If looks could kill…
Fuck. I'm a Malfoy! She should be putty in my hands but she's damn unreachable.
I've reached Ravenclaw tower and I haven't seen any pissed people. Must all be celebrating inside. Now that I look around, I fully comprehend just how much tinsel Hogwarts uses. Red tinsel. Red hair, Ginny… in my bed.
I don't know how much longer I can keep my sanity.
Time to circle back to the Great Hall where I finish my duty. Is that knocking on the front doors?
I listen carefully. It's getting close to midnight so I could just be hearing things. The side effects of madness I suppose. I can definitely hear knocking and a voice. Who the hell is out there so late at night? Hogwarts has taken to sealing all entrances at seven thirty as a safety precaution. I suppose that even if the Death Eaters are being defeated, they're still a threat.
My wand is out at the ready and I have a reliable sneakoscope in my palm. It isn't whirring. I reach the heavy doors, tap it with my wand and mutter an incantation under my breath that lets me see through any object. Dumbledore taught Granger, the Head Girl, and I the spell in case a situation like this arose.
I wasn't expecting to see a figure huddled quite close to the door. But my common sense caught up with me and of course, it's snowing outside.
"Who is it?" I ask through the wood.
"Ginny Weasley! Open up! I forgot it would be locked so tight. Please, it's so cold!"
Damn my traitorous heart, for beating so fast. I take last look at my stationary sneakoscope and I know this Ginny wasn't an imposter. I wrench open the doors to a flurry of snow and there she is; the bane of my existence. She's got this little "o" of surprise on her lips and her hair is flying everywhere with the wind and snow. I feel like I'm having one of those ridiculous "moments" just staring at her.
Right. Before I know it, I've pulled her by the waist out of the cold and into the warmth and the door slams shut, magically resealing itself. Before I can shake off the surprise she says, "why do you always have such a cold, expressionless face?"
Thank you so much Ginny! I thought my lower jaw was about to disengage from my face because having you about five inches in my face is like having your beauty magnified to a painfully high amount and I have to keep telling myself that you're unreachable though there is no real plausible reason why.
I must reply in style. Her face! I can't stop thinking about her face! "Why do you always have such a freckled flaming face?"
Her face crumples and I wish I had that knife to stab myself.
The next best thing is to talk her out of the sadness. Maybe I can amend myself by saying this. "What the fuck are you thinking? Weasley, it's minus ten out there and you could've been in so much danger! It's almost midnight."
"Oh my god! You care?" she replies in a fake high voice.
"Of course I don't care. Don't flatter yourself."
"Always knew you'd make a shit Head Boy. How much money did you pay up this time?" Her voice is icy. Icy enough to rival mine. Damn. She's got me there. I didn't actually pay any amount of money. Dumbledore paired me up with Granger so he probably thought some good would come into me because of the responsibility.
"Don't speak of what you don't know about." This earned me a heated glare, which looked particularly sexy with her rosy cheeks. "Come on, I'll take you back to your common room." What I really meant to say was, "I'll take you now! On the ground!"
Another glare received.
Turns out, The Fat Lady was too busy partying with some monks and some other equally obese women so Ginny was stuck.
I felt like flying to the moon whilst also feeling like dropping down to the ground and sleeping. It's worrying to think about how happy I am with her simply by my side. So I say the stupidest thing.
"Come back to my room Ginny."
There was a moment's pause whilst her startled eyes did that piercing thing with mine and I felt like bashing my head against the wall like Dobby. Never once have I made this much of a fool of myself.
"Okay." She barely whispered it.
I take her cold little hand my big warm one and lead her down into the dungeons, all the while feeling like I'm walking up into heaven instead. Thank Merlin for my cold "Malfoy" control. Else I'd be dancing and that's… just, no. I'm continuously conscious of her hand in mine, her steady footsteps and her soft breath close to my ear.
Arriving at the common room statue, I spin her around quickly and tap her head. A startled gasp later, Ginny is invisible.
"Evergreen," I say to the gargoyle statue and immediately it jumps aside revealing a doorway. I tilt my head, Ginny gets the picture and we're none the wiser.
I have a private room. This private room is the strongest factor in me becoming Head Boy. Privacy is something to be appreciated greatly. I descend even more steps, nodding at Blaise who's got a girl straddling his lap and I'm ignoring everyone else's suspicious stares. Reaching my room, I unlock it with my wand and swiftly I'm inside. I can feel Ginny push against me and I know she's in as well. The door shuts with a snap.
I reverse the spell and I have to stop myself from gasping at the invisibility wearing away. The warmth has made her cheeks rosier and her eyes brighter. She's got a cheeky little smile on her face, the smile she reserves for her brother and her two closest friends.
God, you sound like a stalker Malfoy. Damn brain and your traitorous thoughts! I prefer "study intensely."
She reaches into her jeans pocket and withdraws her wand, waving it in the air.
"Look," she says softly. I look up. "Mistletoe." I stare back down at her in amazement and she just leans up and kisses me. Slow and sweet. I can feel my heart exploding. As simple as that. "Merry Christmas."
"Thank you." And for once I meant it. I'm at a loss at what to do. Normally with any other girl, the clothes would be off by now and we'd be in bed. Ginny was actually in my bed, leaving me standing by the doorjamb but was fully clothed.
So I manage to dredge up out of my memory, "why were you outside at this time of night?" I'm surprised at how… tender, my voice sounds. This is very unnatural.
"Talk tomorrow, sleep now," she replies with a little heart breaking smile. So for the first time, I slip into my bed with a girl, and let her get away with only sleeping in it.
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I have to get Ginny's medication ready for her. She'll be pretending she's strong throughout the movie, enjoying herself so Colin and Luna will treat her like normal, but she's going to be exhausted when she gets home.
Frankly, I am too. Only because I know her heart beats in rhythm with mine.
