The Purity Test
Author's Note: Thank you to those who have reviewed, favorited, and alerted this story! I'm happy to see that quite a few of you are enjoying this short little story of Alice and Hatter. I wanted to thank those who have been reviewing my older stories, even now, I'm glad that new people are discovering them. This set of questions doesn't have so many naughty ones, but I hope the humor is there just the same. Enjoy, and let me know what you think!
Chapter Two: Questions 13-22
Alice pulled the blanket further up, slapping Hatter's wandering hand away from reaching her bare breasts. She giggled. "No. You were just having your fun with them."
"I could always use some more fun," he murmured. Hatter trailed one of his fingers to the top of the blanket.
"No!" she exclaimed. "Besides, I want to finish this," she added, pulling the lap top back up.
"Fine." Hatter panted, and maneuvered himself to the other end of the couch. He plopped his hat back on, crossing his arms and legs as he looked at her.
Alice snickered. "So, you're going to put your hat on, but…no clothes?"
He ran his hand down to where his now limp, and reddened cock lay. "I prefer to make things difficult for you."
"Oh, god." She rolled her eyes, and poised her pen over the notebook. "Next question: have you ever prank called the cops?"
"Cops? You mean, police officers?"
"Yeah. I mean, I'm sure there are some stupid kids in the world who would call them pretending that there was a problem."
"Ah, well, seeing as we didn't really have that many phones in Wonderland, and no cops-"
"Wait, what about the White Rabbit? The Suits? Wouldn't they be considered cops in a way?" Alice interjected.
"Well, yeah, but they wouldn't actually help someone, you know, working for the Queen and all," Hatter replied. "And why would I call them?"
"Okay, so the answer for both of us is no. I think that may be the first for this." She made an x next to the number. "All right, have you ever stolen something?" Alice tapped her pen on her chin. "When I was eight I stole a Babysitter's Club book from a friend of mine. She had the newest ones, and I was still working my way through the single digits. Does that count?"
Hatter smiled, and shook his head. "A book? You stole a book?"
"Hey! Not just any book! It was Logan likes Mary Anne!" she pointed out.
"And you just had to find out about this Logan bloke, yeah?"
"Of course I did!" Alice smiled, and glanced at him. "Obviously your answer is yes."
"Well, you did witness me giving stolen food to Duck, and Owl."
"How old were you the first time you stole something?" she asked.
"Same as you. I was eight. I stole some bread from the store. My dad didn't…well, the Teas were slowly beginning to take over everything." Hatter shook his head. "At least I felt like I was doing some good with stealing for the Resistance."
Alice gave him a slight smile. "Have you ever done drugs?"
"Do the toast bugs count?" Hatter grinned. "Well, the Teas were a drug, yeah? So, yes. Oh, and I also took some flowers."
"Flowers?"
"Sure. Some of the flowers talked to you, you know."
"Are you sure they didn't talk to you after you took the drugs?" Alice asked.
"No." Hatter gave her a withering stare. "The trick was to find the talking flowers in the first place. I would go to the fields with this girl, and we would put our ears close to the flowers, whichever one talked; we ate it."
"So…a flower would talk to you, and then…you ate it?" she asked, startled.
"Yeah. My favorite was the Tiger Lily. Something about eating a Tiger Lily would make the colors much more…vivid," he replied. "Especially yellow and blue."
"So…the talking flowers are like, well, like LSD here."
"I don't know what LSD is."
"It doesn't matter. What would you and this girl do after you ate….talking flowers?"
"Uh…." Hatter laughed. "Um…basically shagged her brains out on the grass. Sometimes I would take a toast bug then too, so, would fuck her for three hours. Pretty colors, a pretty girl."
"Oh, my god!" she exclaimed.
"You've never had sex like that?"
"No! I mean, I've taken drugs before. I got high on pot in college a couple of times, but, that made me more mellow than anything else. I certainly didn't fuck anybody's brains out on it…I don't think."
Hatter cocked his head. "You don't think?"
"No! I mean, no!" Alice shouted vehemently. "I remember one time I was drinking with some friends, and we had some pot, and we smoked it while listening to White Rabbit, and I remember we danced really strangely." She rolled her eyes. "Everybody thought it would be really funny to see Alice dancing to a song about Wonderland."
"We should do it here," he ventured forth.
"No!" Alice squeaked. "Besides, I don't even know where to get pot from anymore." She cleared her throat. "Next question: have you ever dyed your hair?"
"And mess with perfection?" Hatter replied. He took off his hat for a moment to run his fingers through his dark hair. "And as for my hair down below? Why would I fuck that up?"
"Ahhh!" Alice blushed. "You just have to take it there, don't you?"
"Hey, you didn't specify where the hairs were!"
"Yes, but…" She pursed her lips. "Fine. I attempted to dye my hair blonde when I was nineteen."
"Blonde?" Hatter raised his eyebrows. "You would look pretty damn sexy."
"Ha ha. No, more like…it turned orange. My hair is so dark that, I stupidly didn't realize that attempting to dye my hair platinum blonde in one fell swoop would not work." Alice smiled. "So, I had to spend two hundred dollars getting it fixed at a salon."
He started laughing. "Too bad. I would've liked to see you with blonde hair."
"Now you with blonde hair," Alice shook her head, "that would be scary."
Hatter waggled his eyebrows. "How about we both dye our hair blonde? We could look like twins."
"I don't want to be your twin!" she exclaimed. " 'Cause that would mean that you're my bro…okay, next question. Have you had sex with someone a lot older than yourself?" Alice shook her head. "Nope. I think the oldest was only two years older than myself. Well," she glanced at Hatter, "until you, of course."
"Six years is nothing," Hatter waved it off. "When I was twenty I had sex with a fifty year old woman in the Resistance. She was bloody hot, and well…" he chuckled. "Well, she definitely knew what she was doing."
"She was old enough to be your mother!"
"Except she wasn't my mother. We shared the same ideals, and hey, if she wanted me, I wasn't going to stop her." Hatter grinned.
"Oh, I'm sure you didn't," she said wryly. "And I'm sure she enjoyed having your young body inside of hers."
"Well, considering the fact that we shagged for two months after that…I'm sure she did."
"Why only two months?"
"Oh. Her husband came back from a trip for the Resistance," he explained.
Alice's eyes widened. "Husband? Hatter!"
"What? She was the mother of my friend-"
"Oh, my god! Next question, ahem, if you were younger than eighteen, did you date someone older than eighteen?"
Hatter furrowed his brow. "What difference does the age make?"
"It's illegal in this country to, um, have relations with someone younger than eighteen if you're eighteen or older." Alice shrugged. "It's silly in some cases, but, I never did it. I mean, there was one guy when I was seventeen and he was eighteen…"
Hatter shook his head. "You were living on the edge, Alice."
"Shut up. I suppose your answer is yes?"
"Well," Hatter bit his lower lip, and raised his eyebrows. "When I was seventeen, there was a twenty five year old Casino girl, and-"
"Oh, my god! What? Did she lure you with her lack of dress?"
"Well…yeah."
Alice made a face. "How did you ever stop yourself when we were in the Casino?"
"There was that one girl in the beginning when Charlie and I went to rescue you, but…um…" He glanced at her. "Simple. I had my eye on a girl in a blue dress."
"Good answer," she murmured. She scrolled down to the next question. "Have you ever eaten an entire pack of Oreos?"
"What?" Hatter looked at her disgusted. "You mean those cream filled cookies?"
"Yeah. Ever have them?"
"Yeah, and I mean one or two is fine. How the bloody hell can you eat an entire bag?"
"I did with my roommate in college once. It was late, and we stayed up till three in the morning talking, and we just ate the entire thing." Alice groaned. "Thank god for a good metabolism then. I also ate an entire bag of Doritos when I was working on my senior thesis one night."
Hatter shook his head, and roved his eyes over her body. "Where did it go?"
"Ha, ha. Stress." She wrote her initial down. "So, that's a yes for me, and a no for you."
"In my defense, I never had that much to eat."
"No. I know." Alice smiled. "You've definitely made up for it, especially with the pizza."
"Oi! You were the one who told me what pizza was!"
"I didn't mean that we could eat it every night for a week!" Alice chuckled lightly. "Okay. Next question: have you ever cried yourself to sleep?"
Hatter leaned his head back. "What's up with the boring questions?"
"Just answer it."
"Of course I have." His eyes bore into hers. "The first time that I remember was the night after my mother died. I was nine."
"I'm sorry. This was a bad question," Alice said softly. "I mean, I understand. I was ten, and my dad was gone." They looked at each other. "Anyways, that's a yes for both of us. Okay, so…have you ever told someone you loved them when you didn't mean it?"
Hatter closed his eyes. "You're going to hate me."
"Oh, my god!" she moaned.
"I was sixteen!" he exclaimed. "She was crazy about me! She was hot, and I wanted to have sex with her, but she didn't…she never had sex before, so-"
"Oh, my god." Alice lifted her eyes up from the computer screen. "You told her that you loved her so you could fuck her?"
"I was sixteen. I was pretty bloody stupid."
"You're still pretty bloody stupid," she added, mimicking his accent. "What was her name?"
"I don't remember. Some kind of flower name, I think. She had red hair, which I loved because I had never been with a red head before, and I-"
"And you did it, didn't you? You lied to her about loving her, and you took her virginity?"
"Um…" Hatter faltered.
"Well, aren't we just learning all sorts of new things today? Was it good at least?" Alice asked, unable to keep the sarcasm out of her voice.
"Virgins are always exciting, pushing through the barrier…" He paled when he saw Alice's cheeks flame red. "Maybe we should not answer any more questions." Hatter reached over to grab the lap top out of Alice's hands only to be slapped away.
"No. I don't think so, mister." Alice pursed her lips. "How about one more question, and then we stop to make some tea?"
"You hate tea."
"Fine. So, tea for you, and coffee for me." She tapped her finger on the keyboard. "The question is a big one."
"Wait, you never answered. Have you ever told someone you loved them when you didn't?"
"No." Alice glanced at him. "If anything, I would push anybody away who did tell me that."
"Like, Jack?"
"Right," she said tensely. "Like, Jack."
Hatter leaned forward, and placed a kiss on her forehead. "I should consider myself lucky then."
"So, I suppose the answer to the next question is a yes, then?"
"Depends on what the question is."
"Have you ever been in love?" Alice asked.
"Of course. With you. Have been ever since you entered the tea shop," Hatter said, smirking.
"I thought it was lust."
"It was love disguised as lust," he interjected.
"Ah, okay. But, c'mon, there had to have been at least one other person who you were in love with. You always tell me nobody, but, c'mon, tell the truth."
Hatter bounded off the couch. "That's because there isn't anybody."
"Not even Carlotta St. Delaware?"
"She was just a fuck. A good fuck, but, just a fuck."
Alice watched his bare butt flex as he walked into the kitchen. "What are you even doing?"
"Getting the coffee and tea ready!" he called out.
"What about the girl who caused you to eat a lot of chocolate and cream cake?"
"I told you. I was wrong…I thought it was love, but, it wasn't." Hatter peeked his head around the doorway. "What kind of coffee do you want?"
"It's cold outside. How about a gingerbread?"
Hatter stuck his tongue out. "You have the weirdest kind of taste in coffee. I don't understand this flavored crap."
"I think you're avoiding the question."
He shook his head. "No."
Alice removed the blanket, and followed him into the kitchen. "So, I'm the only woman you've ever loved?"
Hatter turned around, grinning as he looked towards her naked body. "Well, there was my mother, but…I didn't have any desire to see her naked."
Alice groaned. "Oh, god. I hope not."
"Here." Hatter handed her the coffee mug. "What about you, Alice? Ever been in love?"
"I'm in love with a pretty hot, naked man who is standing in front of me making his tea."
"With the best bits you've ever seen, yeah?" he asked, reaching down to stroke at himself.
"Ahhhh!" Alice blushed, and scampered back into the living room.
"You know, when you run like that it makes your bum and breasts bounce!" Hatter shouted.
She put her coffee down on the table, and collapsed on the couch. "You enjoyed it!"
"Not denying it." Hatter walked in, carrying his cup of tea. "Besides me, ever been in love?"
Alice shook her head. "No. Too terrified to, even if I felt like I should."
"Then why me?"
"Isn't it obvious?" she giggled, and waved her hand over him. "You have the best bits I've ever seen. Seeing them cinched the deal for me."
Hatter nodded. "You little liar. Okay, next question."
