Thank you to all the kind reviewers.

For those who asked - yes - please feel free to perform any bits of this you like. I'd be honoured.

If the audience likes it - please acknowledge me!

If the audience is throwing rotten fruit, you don't need to bother...

Please R&R.


Act Two

Scene One

Scenery as before – empty stage except for the flipchart and pens. The actor playing Loz should have the phone in his pocket.

Enter Marlene. With the black pen, she draws two big arches on the paper to represent the Church in the Slums.

A member of the chorus brings on the two cardboard boxes and places them stage left.

The whole chorus starts to hum Tifa's theme. (DN: if you're aiming for pathos, only let the cast members who can hold a tune join in with this bit. If you're aiming for bathos, let everyone have a go. It's not an easy tune to hum!)

Enter Tifa. She and Marlene wander around the stage for a bit, while the chorus hums. Marlene mimes sniffing imaginary flowers.

Chorus: fades out Tifa's theme.

Marlene (looking at the large cardboard box): Does Cloud live here?

Tifa (confused, looking at the big box): I doubt it, Sweetie. It's a bit too small for Cloud. I mean – I know he's a little short for a storm-trooper – er – SOLDIER – but –

Marlene (with a child's withering sarcasm): Not in the box dummy! In the church!

Tifa: Oh –I'm with you, Honey. I guess he does…

Marlene, running over to the small box: What's this?

Tifa: Hmm – I'm not sure, Sugar. Looks kind of familiar… (She peers into the box). Shiny round things. Now, I'm sure we used to do something with those when we… way back when… Mat…something. It's on the tip of my tongue. Maternity? Matrimony? No – it's gone. (Sighs). It was all so long ago… (She shakes her head, stumped).

Tifa wanders aimlessly over to the large box. Then she looks at Marlene.

Tifa: Oh crap! We forgot the bandage.

Marlene: But without that, how will we know that Cloud has Geostigma?

Marlene turns to the audience. Does any one have a tissue?

From the Chorus Reno pretends to hold something out.

Reno: There you go!

Marlene pretends to look at it. She wrinkles her nose.

Marlene: Does anyone have a clean tissue?

If anyone does, she thanks them, takes it to the flipchart and draws black spots on it with the black pen. If not, she sighs, tears a strip off the bottom of the church picture, and draws spots on that.

Marlene (under her breath) 'Look after Denzel, Marlene' – 'Do the sound effects, Marlene' –'Sort out all the props, Marlene'… I have to do everything around here!

Marlene drapes the 'bandage' over the large box.

Rather melodramatically, Marlene 'notices' the bandage.

Marlene: Just like Denzel. Is Cloud sick?

Tifa: Why didn't he say something?

Marlene: Well – when does Cloud ever say anything?

Tifa: Fair point, Cupcake.

Marlene: Did Cloud leave because he's sick?

Tifa: He just wants to fight alone.

Marlene: Fight?

Tifa stares into space. No. I don't think that he will.

Marlene: What do you mean? Who are you talking to? You're scaring me now…

Tifa (shakes herself): Sorry Cherry-pie. Let's go home.

Marlene: We can't. Cloud's not here yet.

Tifa: I know, Donut. I miss him too.

Marlene: Donut?

Tifa: I was just aiming for motherly terms of endearment. I guess… that only works for real families…

Marlene, kindly: No, that's okay. You might want to lay off the 'donuts' though.

Tifa: Why, what are you saying?

Marlene sighs: Tifa – you're so insecure!

Tifa: Yes. Comes of having a rival who's an Ancient super-being. Even when she's dead, she won't keep out of things! (Sighs.) Okay – we'll wait for Cloud. And when he comes back…

Marlene: We'll all go home together.

Tifa: Not until he… gets a lecture.

Marlene: Yeah – cause men love that. That'll get him to stay.

Tifa: You think?

Marlene (shakes her head): Uh-uh.

End of Scene One

Scene Two

Members of the chorus take everything off stage, and place one chair stage right, with the white sheet on it.

Marlene flips the chart back to the Healen Lodge page.

Rufus enters, and sits on the chair. He drapes himself in the white sheet.

Enter Reno and Rude. Reno lies on his back, stage left, and moans. Rude is on his hands and knees, stage right.

Rude: Ugh! (He falls onto the floor, face first.)

Reno: Agh! (He rolls around a bit, clutching his stomach.)

Kadaj gets up from the chorus, and walks between Reno and Rude.

Kadaj: Boy do I hate liars. With Loz, it's yellow – and Yazoo can't stand it when you criticise his use of punctuation – but for me – liars.

Rufus: Sorry about that. Lying comes naturally to me, for some reason. All right – this time you get the truth… (pauses).

Kadaj: Well?

Rufus (raises one hand): Wait a minute. Sometimes the truth takes a little while to manufa – uh – fabrica – um – remember. Oh yes – I've got it now. I left the object you seek by the open window, and a condor swooped down and carried it away.

Reno (moaning in pain): Good one, Boss.

Rufus: Thanks, Reno.

Kadaj: Really? You expect me to believe that? Would you like to try again?

Rufus: Um… Dark Nation ate it?

Kadaj: I thought Cloud killed Dark Nation?

Rufus: Ah. I didn't know you knew that.

Kadaj: I grow tired of asking this, so it will be the last time. Where is the rebel base … I mean… Mother?

Rufus: Um…

Rude (groaning a bit): You could say it fell out of the helicopter…

Rufus: Brilliant! It fell out of the helicopter. Yes – that's what happened. While we were running from you. We were careless.

Kadaj: He just told you to say that! Do you think I was born yesterday?

Rufus: Pretty much, yes. Look, Kadaj – I know it must seem as though I just made up that excuse on the spot…

Kadaj: No. He made it up. (Points at Rude). You just used it.

Rufus: Yes. But – by a bizarre coincidence – it is what actually happened. I swear it.

Kadaj: Fine. Then swear on these!

Kadaj goes to the flipchart and sketches two identity cards with Tseng and Elena on them. DN: Keep these very basic. Tseng should be a head with hair, dots for eyes, a straight mouth and a dot for his … er… dot. Elena just needs eyes and hair.

Kadaj adds some black splotches.

Rufus (peers at the drawing) What're those supposed to be?

Kadaj: Tseng and Elena's identity cards.

Rufus: And what're all those black splotches?

Kadaj: Blood.

Rufus: No! Tseng! … and Elena. Why did you do this?

Kadaj: Because I can. (Laughs like a girl and waves his hands around.) You see – we need Mother. They took Mother. You've got Mother. We want Mother back. It's not rocket science, or we'd have gone for Cid instead.

We've got this whole big Reunion party planned. And we've sent out the invitations – but – you know – someone's gone and hidden the guest of honour.

Rufus: Invitations? If there's a party going on, shouldn't I be invited?

Kadaj: But you have been, Sir. The Stigma?

Rufus: That's taking a themed party a little too far, wouldn't you say?

Kadaj (with a manic laugh) Don't blame me. Yazoo's the party-planner in our happy family.

Rufus: Figures. Is it fancy dress?

Kadaj: Yeah. But it looks as though you already know that, Sir. What are you supposed to be? A mad monk? Emperor Palpatine? A dementor? The whole sheet thing's a tad generic to be honest. (Gives a crazed chortle or two). Why don't you guess who I'm going as?

Reno (still whimpering a bit): Bondage Barbie?

Kadaj: No!

That's Yazoo.

Rude: (groaning slightly): Roy out of Blade Runner?

Kadaj (shakes his head): That's Loz.

Rufus: I think you're going to have to tell us.

Kadaj: But Sir – surely you've noticed? (Kadaj kneels in front of Rufus and looks up at him. There is a pause.)

Rufus: What am I supposed to be noticing?

Kadaj: Don't I remind you of anyone? Just a bit?

Rufus: Um… I think there was a secretary in Accounts with the same haircut?

Kadaj: (Gets to his feet impatiently.) Oh come on! The eyes? The hair? The black leather? The way I can defeat two of your best Turks without catching my breath?

Reno (Struggling to a sitting position): Yeah – but – to be fair, we've not had much practice at fighting for a while.

Rude (Getting up slowly): And we're not as ripped as we used to be. Since the Shin-Ra building got destroyed…

Reno: Used to keep us fit, man. All those stairs.

Kadaj: Weren't there elevators?

Reno and Rude, one line each, together: Always out of order.

Never working.

Kadaj: But isn't it obvious? I'm Him! The Hero of Soldier! The Demon of Wutai! The One-Winged Angel!

Rufus: Wait! Do you mean…

Reno and Rude, one line each, together: Argh! Don't say it!

He Who Shall Not Be Named!

Rufus: … Sephiroth?

Kadaj: Finally! (Throws up his arms in a gesture of triumph, eyes closed).

Rufus and the Turks look at him for a moment, then exit, chatting amongst themselves, Rude carrying the chair.

Rufus (Shaking his head): No – Can't see it myself.

Reno: Nothin' like him.

Rude: He had really long hair.

Reno: And he was much taller…

Kadaj (Opens his eyes, and realises they've gone.) Wait! Come back! Rufus Shinra – you and I have a date on top of a high building!

Exit Kadaj, running after them.

End of Scene Two.

Scene Three.

Enter Cloud, carrying Zack's sword like a baby

Cloud: I said I'd live out both our lives. Easy to make that promise.

Zack (from the chorus. He speaks fast, running everything together.): So, you wanna be in SOLDIER? Hang in there. You doin' okay? What're you gonna do when we reach Midgar? We're friends, right? Cloud, Run!

Cloud (falls to his knees, suffering a geostigma attack.)

Marlene enters, glancing at him, and flips the chart back to the Church in the Slums.

Cloud looks up at Marlene.

Cloud: How is that supposed to make sense to anyone?

Marlene: Oh, don't worry. All they need to do is buy a blue-ray player, and watch 'Advent Children Complete'.

Cloud: Oh – well that's fine then.

Cloud gets up and exits, carrying Zack's sword with him.

Enter Tifa, carrying the small cardboard box. She sets it down on the ground. Marlene wanders about, humming something that sounds suspiciously like 'Daisy, Daisy'.

Loz gets up from the chorus, and walks around in a menacing circle, before approaching Tifa and Marlene from stage right. Marlene runs towards him, but Tifa catches her and throws her behind her rather hard. Marlene falls down, and gets up again.

Loz: Wanna play?

Tifa: No.

Loz: I guess that's a 'no'.

Tifa: Yes.

Loz: Hold on – was that a no, or a yes?

Tifa: Which one?

Loz: Huh? I'm confused now. (He looks towards the chorus).

Loz: Prompt?

Chorus, loudly, in unison: WHERE'S MOTHER?

Loz (happily): Oh yeah. Where's mother? (He takes a step towards Tifa, then looks down.) Gross! I hate yellow! Yellow flowers – even worse! See with Kadaj, it's liars, and with Yazoo –

Marlene: The punctuation thing, yes, we know. Get on with the fight.

Loz: Fine. (To Tifa) Play with me.

Tifa pushes Marlene out of the way. Marlene falls over. She gets up and 'hides' behind the pathetically small cardboard box. Tifa mimes putting on her gloves.

Loz: This'll be fun.

Tifa and Loz stage several fighting poses, holding each one for a few seconds while the chorus make appropriate 'Batman' style comments: Bamm! Kapow! Sock! Etc. About five will be plenty. Number four should be Tifa's iconic 'half way up the wall' pose, which can either be done simply, on the floor, or could involve members of the chorus lifting her, depending on your attitude towards health and safety. Number five will need Loz in a heap on the floor, and Tifa victorious.

Marlene: Tifa! (She runs to Tifa).

Chorus, loudly, sings the Victory Theme two and a half times while Marlene and Tifa gaze about, smiling, then reacting to Loz: Da-da-da-da daaa da, da-da daaa! (Loz gets up) Da-da-da-da daaa da, da-da daaa! (Loz gets out the phone) Da-da-da-da daaa d -

Loz: She's not here! I'm not crying. No, I've got it – I'll bring the girl. (He closes the phone, and looks at the chorus.) Who needs this next?

Chorus, looking at each other: Umm – er…

Vincent: Don't look at me. I don't even have a phone.

Marlene, astonished: You don't have a PHONE?

Vincent: I don't hold with these new-fangled gadgets. (Wistfully) When I was young, we managed perfectly well with landlines and phone boxes…

Reno: Yeah – and two paper cups joined together with string…

Tifa, tapping Loz on the shoulder: Weren't we fighting?

Loz: Oh yeah. (He stage punches her, and she falls to the ground).

Loz: So – phone?

Rufus: Cloud needs it in the forest – when it falls out of his pocket.

Loz: I'm glad someone's paying attention.

Cloud: Hmm?

Loz shoves the phone at him.

Cloud: Oh – thanks. Sorry, I was miles away.

Rufus: No change there, then.

Loz: Now, where were we? Oh yeah – I lean suggestively over Tifa, spawning a thousand dodgy fanfics, (he does so) and…

Marlene (mimes throwing materia at Loz): Take that!

Loz: Ow! Hey – shiny things! (He gets up, and walks towards Marlene.)

Marlene: Cloud!

Cloud (from the chorus): Hmm? What?

Marlene: No – you're not here!

Cloud: Sorry – I was miles away.

Tifa, exasperated: Oh, for Gaia's sake – just run!

Denzel jumps up from the chorus and yells: Ah!

Tifa and Loz exit, Loz taking the box with him. Marlene flips the chart to the next blank page, and draws a very quick picture of a truck on it. Enter Moogle girl, carrying a moogle, cat, dog or any other soft toy.

Moogle girl: You've got the stigma too?

Denzel: …

Moogle girl: Come on. They're gonna fix us.

Moogle girl leads Denzel around the stage a few times, while Yazoo gets up from the chorus, tosses his hair a bit, and stands by the picture of the truck, looking at his fingernails.

Denzel stops, seeing the truck, and Yazoo.

Denzel: Hmm. Didn't Tifa say something about not getting into vehicles with uncannily Sephiroth-like leather-clad strangers? Oh well – I've got Geostigma anyway, so what the hell!

Yazoo, flips the chart to the next blank page, and watches as Moogle Girl and Denzel sit down in the chorus.

Yazoo: Hm.

Exit Yazoo.

End of Scene Three.

Scene Four

Tifa enters, flips the chart back to the church in the slums page, and lies down on the stage. Nothing happens for a while.

Marlene (from the chorus): Cloud! You're on!

Cloud: Oh – sorry. I was miles away…

Cloud gets up and walks slowly onto the stage. He notices Tifa.

Cloud: Tifa! (He kneels beside her and half lifts her up). TIFA!

Tifa: You're late!

Cloud: Who did this?

Tifa: He didn't say…

Cloud: Well – what did he look like?

Tifa: Oh – do you think it would help to know that?

Cloud: It might…

Tifa: Well – he was – um… Oh, this is tricky…

Cloud: Any distinguishing features?

Tifa: He… was quite tall…

Cloud: Anything else?

Tifa: Hmm. Not really anything distinctive…

Cloud: Hair colour?

Tifa: Silver.

Cloud: Eyes?

Tifa: Kind of … supernatural green. With pupils like a cat.

Cloud: What was he wearing?

Tifa: Black leather, and some kind of weird electric gun thing, on his left arm.

Cloud: Yeah – you're right. Could've been anyone.

Tifa: Oh, I forgot – Marlene! (Tifa faints).

Cloud: Materia… materia… Where did I put… (He glances around). Damn it!

Cloud has an attack of Geostigma and passes out.

Marlene and Denzel enter, Marlene carrying one of the soft toys (preferably a dog- or a wolf! - but it's really not important). She lays the toy beside Cloud to represent the wolf.

Marlene and Denzel flip the chart to a blank page and draw two large squares next to each other. Marlene draws Cloud on hers, and Denzel draws Tifa – just as in the background of the next scene in the film, only in black and green, obviously. Unless you want to stretch the budget, and add more pens to your props list! (DN: pause the DVD just after Reno says, "You're a real handful!" and walks out, followed by Rude. On the wall, to the right of the door, are the two pictures I mean. Isn't Cloud's expression perfect?)

Marlene and Denzel exit, Marlene picking up the toy on the way. Tifa and Cloud rearrange themselves so that they're lying straight, as though in bed, heads towards the flipchart, feet to the audience.

Enter Reno and Rude and stand either side of the flipchart, Reno stage left, Rude stage right.

Cloud stirs, and moans a bit. He gets up, and looks down at Tifa.

Reno: You know, you're pretty.

Cloud (notices Reno, turns to face him, and giggles a bit): Oh – do you think so? … Well, thanks. I –

Reno: No – no – sorry… I meant to say: you're pretty heavy.

Rude (to Reno): You just can't help yourself, can you?

Reno shrugs and winks at Rude.

Rude: Stop that! (He looks at Cloud): Weren't there some kids living with you?

Reno: 'Cause they ain't here.

Cloud looks down at Tifa again, as if she's in any state to help!

Rude: You don't care?

Cloud: I just…

Reno: Ahh! You're a real handful!

Cloud (modestly, a little embarrassed): Yes – well, people have said that before… But, thanks for noticing…

Rude: Reno!

Reno: What? Oh no, no, no – that was completely innocent man! I just meant, 'cause he's not helping, and time's kinda of the essence, 'n shit.

Rude: Let's go.

Reno (looking back at Cloud over his shoulder, as they walk back to the chorus): That was so not supposed to be a compliment!

Cloud: Hm.

Cloud kneels down beside Tifa, and watches her sleeping, with an angst-ridden expression.

End of Scene Four

Scene Five.

Cloud and Tifa remain on stage. Enter Tseng and Elena, holding the black sheet, to represent night. They stand behind Cloud and Tifa, obscuring the flipchart from view with the sheet. Marlene goes behind the sheet and draws two trees and a moon on the flipchart (or you could draw this in advance, and she could just flip to the right page). This is your most elaborate scenery of the whole play – so make it good. If your budget can run to a silver pen, you could even use that! While this artistic endeavour is going on, Scene Five happens in front of the sheet.

Tseng (to Elena): As the Director of the Turks, I'm feeling more than a little sidelined so far. Why are we holding a sheet - again? Why do Reno and Rude get more lines than us?

Elena: I know what you mean, Sir. You're so right, Sir. (Sotto voce) So right for me! And so…aloof, and diabolically attractive

Tseng: I'm sorry?

Elena: Uh – I said – it's NIGHT, Sir. This sheet represents night. And Reno and Rude are FOOLS, Sir – a DOUBLE ACT.

Tseng: I see. So this is all we do? Hold a sheet between the two of us?

Elena: Yes, Sir. (To herself, in a dreamy tone): The two of us…between the sheets… (Elena gazes hopefully at Tseng throughout the scene. He remains oblivious).

Tifa: (Moans a little, as she comes round. She sits up, and looks around for the children.)

Cloud: Reno and Rude are out looking.

Tifa: Reno and Rude? As in the famously child-friendly Shin-Ra Turks, Reno and Rude? The Reno and Rude whose main purpose in life is to help ex-Avalanche members find lost children?

Cloud: They've changed a lot. You wouldn't recognise Reno. I didn't.

Tifa: I… think I'd recognise Reno.

Cloud (suspiciously): Why's that?

Tifa: Oh – no reason. Tell me about this Geostigma you've got.

Cloud: There's no cure.

Tifa: But that's not stopping Denzel, is it?

Cloud: Denzel's a kid! He has no idea of mortality! The ultimate futility of life eludes him. It's hopeless, don't you see? Whatever we do – whatever we strive for – in the end we're just… bubbles, drifting on the lifestream – here for a moment and then gone…

Reno and Rude enter, and stand in front of the sheet. Tifa looks at Reno. She keeps looking at Reno. He winks at her.

Cloud: Life is a brief mako candle, flickering in the darkness… I'm not fit to help anyone – not my friends, not my family…Tifa? Are you listening to me?

Tifa (dragging her attention back to Cloud): What? Oh, yes… sorry. Carry on… (her gaze goes back to Reno).

Chorus: Dilly-dally, shilly-shally.

Cloud: Aerith?

Tseng: Aerith?

Chorus: Dilly-dally, shilly-shally.

Reno: I think she wants you to move on, man.

Cloud (annoyed): Oh you do, do you! And when did you become a relationship councillor, Mr. 'Suddenly-I'm-a-Turk-with-feelings'?

Tifa: No – actually, he's right. I do want you to move on.

Reno: Told ya!

Tifa (to Reno): Anyway – did you find the kids?

Reno: No – only a witness. Kadaj's gang…...took the kids.

Tifa: Why the long pause?

Reno: It's the dub.

Tifa: Oh, I see. Like when I had to say, "Not until he…...gets a lecture."

Reno: Good example.

Tifa: Thanks.

Rude: They're at their base now – the Forgotten City.

Cloud: Where's that again?

Rude: I've forgotten.

Reno: Yeah – I can't remember either. I think it used to be on the Northern Continent…

Rude: But it can't be there now. Because Yazoo took the kids there in a truck…

Reno: I bet you could reach it by bike.

Rude: Maybe that's why it's called the Forgotten City. Because even the folks at SquareEnix can't remember where it is!

Cloud: Okay – you go and look for the kids, and I'll – um – go and – see Rufus! Yes, I completely need to see Rufus. I've got a very important question to ask him that can't wait.

Tifa: What question?

Cloud: Er…

Tifa: You're so scared!

Cloud: Am not.

Tifa: And you never answer your phone, but I don't see you throwing it away either!

Cloud: What? What's that got to do with anything?

Tifa: It's the phone theme. Haven't you noticed the phone theme?

Cloud: That's just product placement. It's got nothing to do with whether I'm scared or not.

Tifa: But you are though.

Cloud: I am not!

Tifa: Go then!

Reno: Yeah – you go. The base is all yours.

Exit Reno and Rude, back to the chorus.

Tifa (sighs): Which is it – a memory, or us?

Exit Tifa, followed by a miserable-looking Cloud.

Tseng and Elena fold up the sheet, and Tseng carries it off stage.

Elena: Which is it, Tseng? A memory, or me?

Elena sighs. Exit Elena, leaving Marlene finishing off (or pretending to finish off) the work of art that is your Forgotten City scenery. When she's happy with it, she exits, leaving the stage empty.

End of Scene Five

Scene Six. The Forgotten City scenery on the flipchart should be causing gasps of admiration from your audience.

Enter Yazoo and Loz, with both sheets. They lay the white sheet out flat, folding the corners in a bit to make it roughly circular. This is the materia pool. They lay the black sheet behind it, so it looks like the shoreline. This will be used for Spectacular Special Effect #1 later in the scene.

Enter Kadaj and Marlene, with the popgun. Marlene stands beside Loz, stage left, Yazoo stands stage right, and Kadaj stands behind the materia pool, centre stage, facing the audience. Denzel and Moogle Girl enter and sit just in front of the chorus.

Kadaj (to Denzel and Marlene): Mother has given me a very special gift! The gift to fight! This gift was given to all her children when we inherited her mimetic legacy through the lifestream! Yes – you and I are brethren!

Yazoo: Um…Kadaj?

Kadaj (annoyed): What is it? I'm giving a speech!

Yazoo: They're kids. I don't think they know what words like 'mimetic legacy' and 'brethren' mean.

Kadaj: Of course they do! (Points at Moogle Girl) You – girl with the stuffed…thing. Define 'mimetic legacy'.

Moogle Girl: Uh – I… don't know.

Kadaj: Boy – with the hair, and the haunted expression!

Denzel: Uh…um…

Kadaj: Oh for Mother's sake – what are they teaching in Midgar schools these days? Tell them Loz.

Loz: Uh…

Kadaj has a mini fit.

Kadaj: Argh! All right! Forget it! Ruin my big scene! Come on then – everyone in the water. I will heal you – do as I do - whatever.

Kadaj stomps into the pool. As he walks onto the white sheet, Yazoo and Loz unroll the black sheet behind him. He steps over it as they go, stopping in the middle of the 'pool', and they roll it out all the way, turning the water black! (DN: That was Spectacular Special Effect #1. Hope you were impressed.)

Kadaj mimes drinking the water. Denzel and Moogle Girl walk into the water and copy him.

Marlene: Denzel!

Everyone freezes. Cloud appears, stage right, and slowly crosses the front of the stage on imaginary Fenrir.

Cloud: Brrm, brrm.

As he does this, Yazoo and Loz take away both sheets and leave them under the flipchart. They stand either side of the flipchart, Kadaj between them. Marlene stands by Loz. Denzel and Moogle Girl stand to either side, leaving the rest of the stage clear for Cloud. Cloud circles round until he reaches centre stage, where he mimes being thrown forward. He looks around him in wonder. The Chorus hums Aerith's theme, softly.

Enter Aerith. She stands back-to-back with Cloud, centre stage.

Aerith: You came! Even though you were about to break. That's a good sign. So – why did you come?

Cloud: I think, I want to be forgiven. Hm. More than anything.

Aerith: By whom?

Cloud (turns round. As he does so, Aerith walks quickly back to the chorus and sits down.) By whom? Are you serious? Do you know how long I've been… Aerith? Aerith?

Cloud throws his hands up in despair, gets back on imaginary Fenrir, and circles the stage a couple of times.

Cloud: Brrm, brrm.

Cloud ends up stage right. Meanwhile, Yazoo and Loz take Denzel and Moogle Girl and position them in front of themselves. Then they shoot at Cloud, over their heads. (If your Denzel and Moogle Girl are actually adults, they'll have to kneel down). Cloud rushes towards them, sword drawn, then falls over, landing in a heap at Kadaj's feet, dropping his sword.

Cloud: I've just come for the kids.

Kadaj: See this man? He's our big brother. But, alas, in our happy flock, he's what you'd call a black sheep!

Yazoo: You see, again, I'm not sure they'll know that reference.

Kadaj: What?

Yazoo: Happy flock – black sheep – could be a bit too metaphorical…

Kadaj (turning on Yazoo): Will you just shut up!

Cloud uses this distraction to grab his sword, and fights Kadaj. Loz stands stage right, Yazoo stage left and Kadaj centre by the flipchart. The fighting takes place in these three locations. Marlene hands Yazoo the popgun. He puts away Velvet Nightmare – if he has one – and uses the popgun instead. For the entire fight, Yazoo stands still and pops the popgun – a lot. Cloud rushes between the three remnants, fighting each one in turn, Loz striking dramatic poses, Kadaj wielding Souba (or a stick!) and Yazoo…popping his popgun. After enough of this silliness has transpired, enter Vincent, swirling his cape swirlilly. The three remnants wave Souba and Dual Hound and the popgun at swirling Vincent. Cloud, centre stage, takes the phone out of his pocket and, in slow motion, makes it rotate in the air a few times, before setting it down just in front of the chorus. Vincent drapes his cape around Cloud, and ushers him off. The remnants stare upwards, baffled.

Exeunt everyone.

Marlene (from the chorus): Later, in another part of the forest…

Enter Cloud and Vincent. Cloud sits moodily on one side of the stage, Vincent stands mysteriously on the other.

Cloud: See! I knew I'd be no help.

Vincent: That's it – have a good wallow.

Cloud: Look who's talking! I'm not the one who shut myself away in a coffin for thirty years!

Vincent: That was just…adolescent angst.

Cloud: Really. Well, I have enough angst of my own right now. (Cloud gets to his feet). Vincent - do you have any idea what's going on?

Vincent: I come here often.

Chorus: Random Vincent!

Cloud: Oh come on – when is Vincent not random?

Chorus: Dirge of Cerberus?

Cloud: Okay – fair point.

Vincent: Do you want to know what's going on, or not?

Cloud: Yes!

Vincent: Okay. Loz, Yazoo and Kadaj are Sephiroth remnants. Geostigma is caused by the body overcompensating while trying to eject Jenova cells – think of it as an over-active immune response, or call it what you want. The remnants are looking for Jenova's head – which was taken by Tseng and Elena – who were brutally tortured –

Tseng: (from the chorus) What?

Elena: (from the chorus) Were we?

Tseng: And we still don't get any more lines?

Elena: So unfair! Tseng deserves more lines!

Tseng: Thank you, Elena.

Elena: Any time, Sir. Any time at all…

Vincent: They were brought here half dead. I did what I could for them (glares at Tsung and Elena) – although I'm beginning to wonder why I bothered… Anyway – if they wanted to, the remnants could recreate Sephiroth.

Cloud: But no-one would want to do that, would they?

Vincent: Hmm. I'd rather not know.

Cloud: With that attitude, how did you get so well-informed?

Vincent: Oh – I pick things up here and there. Randomly.

Marlene (from the chorus) rustle, rustle, rustle.

Cloud, drawing his sword: What's that rustling?

Marlene runs up to Cloud.

Cloud: Marlene! You escaped from those almost omnipotent Sephiroth remnants all by yourself?

Marlene: Well why not? I've done everything else in this production so far. And let's face it – your attempt wasn't about to win 'rescue of the year' any time soon. By the way – how's Tifa? Did you at least manage to rescue her?

Cloud: Er – no. I was a bit late. But Tifa is all right.

Marlene: Good – let me speak to her.

Cloud: I lost my phone.

Marlene: (glowering at Vincent): And we've already established that you don't have one… (Vincent flicks aside his cape dramatically, to confirm this.) Bloody useless, the pair of you!

Cloud: Vincent – will you bring Marlene to Tifa? I've got to – um – see Rufus. I've got a very important question to ask him that can't wait.

Vincent: Well – technically I could – but I've just randomly decided that I'm not going to.

Marlene: Forget it Cloud. Why don't you ever pay any attention to us? (She runs to hug Vincent).

Cloud: Marlene, please give me some time. There's a battle to be fought – but it's not as simple as just fighting it. Understand?

Marlene: Er – no. Because it doesn't make sense. What else are you going to do with a battle?

Vincent: Cloud – are you sure this is about fighting?

Marlene: Not you too! It's a battle – it's about fighting!

Cloud: Hmmm. (He stares out into the audience, looking thoughtful.)

Marlene: Cloud?

Cloud: Sorry. Just remembering that scene when Tifa told me to get off my arse and get on with it. Do you think she wants me to move on?

Marlene: Yes.

Vincent: Oh yeah.

Cloud: But – I let Aerith die.

Marlene: To be fair – I think that was more Sephiroth's fault than yours. And I don't think Tifa holds it against you…

Vincent: And a woman like Tifa isn't going to wait around forever. Women do change their minds about these things you know. I once knew a woman…

Marlene (cutting him off): And Tifa fancies Reno.

Cloud: Does she?

Vincent: Totally.

Chorus: Dilly-dally, shilly-shally!

Aerith (from chorus): Isn't it time you did the forgiving?

Cloud (looks at Vincent): Are sins ever forgiven?

Vincent (shrugging uncharacteristically). Don't know. Never tried.

Cloud: You mean…Never tried?

Vincent: Yes. That's why I said, 'Never Tried'.

Cloud: Marlene – let's go!

Marlene: Finally! (She runs to Cloud and holds his hand). Cloud leads Marlene back to the chorus.

Cloud: Well – I'm gonna try. I'll phone in the verdict. When I've got a phone.

Exit Cloud and Marlene.

Vincent: But – I don't have a phone. I suppose I'll just have to bite the bullet and join the modern world. (Sighs). I wonder where I can buy a phone?

Exit Vincent, pondering the difficulties of modern life.

Five actors from the chorus position themselves centre stage, one standing at the back, two kneeling up, and two kneeling down in front of them. If possible these should include Barret, Yuffie and Tifa. Aerith should be the fifth, kneeling down, stage right.

The back actor starts with the phone, holding it aloft. Very slowly he (or she – but preferably he because it's Reeve on the phone) brings the phone down in a curve:

Actor one: It's me, Reeve. How's work going? I saw your flier. How in the world do you stay in business? Ha! You never change, Cloud. (Reeve transfers the phone to his other hand, and brings it round in a spiral.) If it's all right, I was thinking about helping you out, but, I guess I'll call back another time. Goodbye for now. (He passes the phone to the next actor – Yuffie – who spirals it down to Tifa, who hands it on to Barret. The idea is to recreate the scene of the phone sinking slowly to the bottom of the pool. All three actors speak at once:

Yuffie: Surprise! It's me, Yuffie. So – all the children in Wutai have disappeared. Have you heard anything about it? Fill me in, okay?

Tifa: Cloud – how've you been? Reno called again, and he sounded kind of strange. He says to hurry. Be careful – okay?

Barret: Surveying's done, so I should be able to get out there and see Marlene soon. You let her know, all right, Spiky?

Aerith takes the phone last. She lays it carefully on the floor in the centre of the group of actors.

Aerith: I never blamed you. Not once. You came for me. That's all that matters.

Exeunt everyone – leaving the phone centre stage.

Enter Vincent. He sees the phone.

Vincent: Ah ha! That's handy!

Vincent picks up the phone, and puts it into his pocket with a flourish of his cape.

Exit Vincent.

End of Act Two.


What will happen next?

What will Spectacular Special Effect #2 be?

Thanks for reading.