Let's get right to it, shall we?
RE-REVAMPED
I don't own True Blood or SVM.
Chapter 2
For the second time today, I opened my eyes to a bright and happy yellow room the color of sunshine…it made me uncomfortable, all this bright cheeriness. My bedroom walls are dark eggplant purple to avoid going into shock every morning/afternoon. We're not in Kansas anymore, Dorothy. (Or Kentucky for that matter.)
I lay there on the floor, which is hard wood of some kind so it's not comfy at all and I said to myself, "Self, you have lost your ever-lovin' mind." I shook my head at my loss of afore mentioned mind.
I must be having some kind of psychotic episode. That's it! It was bound to happen eventually. The methane from the cattle and pig farms surround our small farming community have damaged my brain beyond reason. Maybe that's why there are so many Tea Bag Republicans in this town? Hmmm…ya never know. Or perhaps everyone is right and I am the village idiot. Nah, that can't be right.
I know! I'm still asleep and will wake any minute to the sound of my neighbor's bluegrass music and their kids running around screaming, all jacked up on Mountain Dew. I should pinch myself to prove that I am actually asleep. Everyone knows you can't feel pain in a dream, right? Well, no, that won't prove diddly squat because I have felt pain in many a nightmare. Well, this can't last long; I'm bound to wake up in a few minutes. Dreams don't last beyond…what, like one or two minutes, do they?
So I lay there, making sure to keep perfectly still for 10 minutes, just to be sure.
I knew it was ten minutes because there was an old fashioned alarm clock on the nightstand. It was the kind with a round face, black hands, and the bell on top. I haven't seen one of those since my mamaw died. (A mamaw is a grandmother in hillbilly speak.) It appeared to be 11:15 in the morning. That's way too early for me.
After ten minutes I decided to get up and figure what the hell was goin' on. I noticed that I was a bit further from the floor than I usually am. I'm pretty short at 5'2".
As I walked around the room I came upon a vanity and mirror. What I saw made my knees weak. "Oh dear God, I am Sookie-fuckin'-Stackhouse!"
I was quite happy to see that I am just as I had pictured her from the books instead of the skinny, tooth-gapped, brown eyed lady in the show! I must say that I was very lovely in a disconcerting just-woke-up-in-an-alternate-universe kind of way.
Instead of my usual shoulder length chestnut brown hair, I had flowing locks of flaxen gold halfway down my back. My eyes were no longer chocolate brown, but a beautiful North Sea blue, at least how the North Sea looks in my mind. They were also so wide with shock they looked almost painful. My lips were plump, blushed pink, and slightly parted. I had the cutest button nose ever. Google Anna Seyfried…very similar.
Moving south…as I had noticed earlier, my bubbies had grown about two cup sizes from a B to a D. Wow! I brought my hands up to kind of weigh them. What? I've never had big boobs before! You'd check 'em out, too! I was in this body, so I had every right to explore a bit. They felt heavy and squishy, yet firm. Hmmm…maybe I should get a boob job when I finally come to my senses. Nahhh! With my luck, they'd end up being hard as soft balls and not pretty teardrop shaped beauties like these.
Traveling downward…I saw that my waist was quite small for someone with such large breasts. Then the waistline flared out to some lovely curvaceous hips. Gives a man somethin' to hold onto. It's time to turn around and check out the junk in the trunk, which turned out to be pleasant as well. It was nice and firm. I know because I tested the firm-osity of that, too. It was nice and perky; you could bounce a quarter off these cheeks. Of course Sookie waitressed just like me, but my hiney wasn't like hers. That's so not fair. We had well-toned tan legs. I/we looked pretty damn hot!
I wore an old faded short nightgown with Tweedy Bird on it. It seems like I remember her having a Tweedy shirt in one of the books, unless it was in one of the hundreds of fanfics I've read. Regardless, I needed to put some real clothes on before I ran into anyone. That lead me to wonder what time period I was in, in this strange Sookieworld. Is Gran still alive? I dearly hope so. I just loved Gran! Now I am uber-nervous. First things first, I needed to change out of this nightgown.
I poked around in the dresser that housed the kitty figurines I mentioned earlier. I found a t-shirt with, you guessed it, a kitty on the front. Jeez Louise! Enough with the cats already! I like cats just fine I guess, but I'm allergic, so they stay outside. I found a pair of jeans in the closet and got myself presentable. I put my hair up in a pony-tail, or should I say a Sookie-tail? There was a pair of Keds by the door so I put them on and opened the bedroom door.
As I stepped into the hallway, I was greeted with the smells of a good ole fashion country meal. Gran must still be alive. I'll bet she has started on lunch for herself and Sookie.
I found the stairway and was as quiet as I could be on my way down. Which was harder than it sounds considering the stairs must have been at least a hundred years old and groaned with each step. I wanted to take a look and get my bearings before I had to actually have a conversation with Gran. I felt like I knew her already.
This was so AWESOME!
I walked past the living room, through the dining room, and stopped in the doorway to the kitchen. Gran wasn't there, but there was chicken frying and a couple of covered pots on the stove as well. I decided to be nosy. Is it nosy if I'm Sookie and I live here?
In the pots was what appeared to be collard greens and fried okra. And on the counter was a fresh baked pecan pie! I remember Sookie ate one of Gran's pecan pies while she cried after her funeral.
Wait a minute…I was having an epiphany.
If I'm here long enough, Gran doesn't have to die! I can change that. I can change A LOT of bad things. Whoa.
Just stay with me on this. What if I'm not totally off my rocker and I'm actually IN some alternate universe? I guess that would be the Sookieverse, wouldn't it? All of the horrible, painful, heartbreaking situations that poor Sook has found herself in don't have to come to fruition! Oh my God! She doesn't have to get duped by Bill, attacked by the Rats, or nearly killed by Long Shadow.
What happened after the Long Shadow incident? The maenad, Maryann, is what happened! She had an argument with Vampire Bill (tee hee) and took off walking in the middle of nowhere. The maenad clawed her all the way from her shoulders to the top of her ass crack.
If she isn't involved with Bill, she won't go to Jackson, Mississippi, to save his pasty ass like she did in Season 2. He nearly drained her in the back of Alcide's truck. Well, if she never dates Bill then so many bad things don't have to happen. Staying away from him could have saved her so much misery!
There was still the issue of the Queen, Sophie Ann, wanting to procure a pet telepath. I couldn't really change that, because it happened before Season 1 even began; it was the whole reason why Bill was sent to Bon Temps. I was sure I could come up with something.
This would be a good time to bring the Viking into the picture, but I would have to tread carefully with him; he's a crafty old bugger. Without getting to know Sookie first, he could just see her as a human to toy with, to make his 'pet'.
I always hated that term…pet! It's so degrading; it shows the low opinion most vampires have of us. If vampires were real, that is. Sookie isn't really human, though, is she?
As I stood there bemoaning the fate of Sookie Stackhouse, the back door opens and in walks the one and only Gran.
Oh, she's such a lovely lady, even more so in person. She starts speaking to me, but it's like she is having two conversations at once. I heard, "About time you got out of bed sleepy head", while at the same time I heard, "Why is she just standin' there lookin' like she's just been gob-smacked?"
What? Oh yeah, I'm telepathic. Woo hoo! I've got to get those shields up, though. No wonder she wears that "Crazy Sookie Smile" all the time. This shit's aggravatin'!
How does one go about building 'shields'? I had no clue. So what I did was close my eyes, took a deep breath, and pictured my mind. Instead of picturing a brain, I imagined what I thought a 'mind' might look like. I saw a gently (Because I was calm at this point) swirling misty mass of color. There were different shades of blue from baby to indigo to sapphire. I saw reds and greens and even and earthy orange. It was beautiful, more beautiful than my imagination would provide.
After examining this stunning mind, I worked on building solid walls around it. I thought about constructing them from cinderblocks and mortar. Block by block, I steadily created an impenetrable barrier between my mind and Gran's.
She seemed to know the deal because she waited quietly until I finally opened my eyes.
"Better?"
"Yes, ma'am." Not knowing what else to say to cover my awkward moment, I said, "How are you this mornin'?" (At least I'm country enough to pull off an accent close to Sook's. Better than 'AP' at any rate.)
"I'm fine dear. I was just hangin' out the wash. Are ya hungry? Lunch is just about ready. What time do you work this evenin', sweetheart?" Oh boy. What do I say?
"Uh, I'm not really sure. I guess I need to call Sam and ask."
"Sookie, what have I told you about sayin' 'uh'? It makes ya sound like ignorant white trash instead of the southern lady that you are." Okay, that's not weird at all, someone telling a grown ass woman how to speak. Of course this was Gran. My own mamaw wouldn't have said anything about saying "uh". She did get onto me for plenty, though. She once told me if I didn't stop whatever it was that I was doing that she'd, "Pinch off yur head n' throw it atchur dead ass". I am not shittin' you. Mamaw was a character!
My sister once dated a boy whose family my mamaw didn't approve of. Mamaw told her that she oughta not be goin' with that clabber-dick thing. I don't know exactly what that means, but it does not sound pleasant…or hygienic. She was a sweetie. She didn't crochet or bake us cookies, but by god if you came into her home you weren't leavin' till she fed you enough to roll home.
Mamaw ruled the roost! I'd say she was just as caring as Gran; she just showed it differently.
So I meekly said, "Sorry, Gran."
We sat down to eat and oh was it good! The chicken was crispy with the skin battered and fried to a beautiful golden brown. The greens had bacon grease in them I noticed. And well, okra is just okra. She even brought out fluffy warm buttermilk biscuits, with real butter of course. Who knows what it was all doing to my arteries, but it was mmm, mmm good.
After lunch, I was going to go back to the bedroom to regroup. Then Gran said, "And where do you think you're goin'?" Oh, right.
"Here, Gran, let me clean up these dishes for ya." I proceeded to wash up. Once the kitchen was spotless (I don't want the wrath of Gran on my head.), I went back to Sookie's room. I thought it would be a good idea to make a list of things I need to do in order to set things right for Sook.
Let's see…
~When Vampire Bill comes into Merlottes, wait on him but DO NOT pay him any special attention.
~When Vampire Bill leaves with Rattrays, DO NOT follow them to save the day.
That should take care of the Rattray attack. Plus Sookie won't have to drink Bill's blood to heal from their retribution the following night. Let's see, what else?
~Ignore any and all advances made by Vampire Bill.
He thinks Sookie is just a redneck barmaid who will drop her panties for any man willing to show her a little attention with a southern drawl.
~Take charge of Sookie's future by going to Fangtasia to negotiate a contract for telepathic services.
This way she is a legal employee of one Eric Northman and no other vampires can take her, including Queen Sophie Ann. Hopefully. Not to mention, she'll be financially secure and be able to help Gran out.
~Quit working at Merlottes.
It's okay to go visit once in a while, but she really shouldn't subject herself to the mind rape of the inbred clientele.
That's as far as I got with my "Change Sookie's Life for the Better" list. Gran yelled up the stairs to tell me that I had a phone call. I ran down the stairs to get to the only phone in the house, which was mounted on the kitchen wall. Who would it be? Not a vamp, because the sun was up. Maybe it was Lafayette, ya gotta love him.
"Now Sookie, what have I told you about runnin' in the house? You sound like a herd of elephants comin' down those stairs."
"Sorry, Gran." Again with the meekness, no wonder Sookie's so polite and lady like.
I picked up the receiver (For you youngin's out there, phones used to have separate pieces, one for dialing, and another for talking and listening. There also used to be these things called record players.)
The phone was old fashioned like everything else in the house. I'm adding a cell phone to that list. "Hello, this is Sookie." Weird.
"Sook, it's Sam. I know you're supposed to be off today, but can you come in for Dawn? She SAYS that she's sick and can't come in tonight." That's right, I forgot about poor Dawn and Maudette being murdered. I wondered how long till that would happen. Add Rene the serial killer to the list.
"Sure Sam. What time do ya need me?"
"Is four to close okay with you?" That was nothing out of the ordinary for me; it was basically my 'real' shift. You know…in the real world.
"Yep, see ya at four." I hung up and looked at the clock on the wall above the refrigerator. It was 2:00. Guess I better get ready for work.
I found a clean Merlotte's top and a pair of black short shorts in one of the dresser drawers I had rummaged through earlier. I'll need a thong with these shorts. They're kinda tight fitting; I didn't want a panty line.
I grabbed up all the clothes and underthings I'd need, which included a huge bra (well huge to me), and headed to the bathroom. I showered and blow dried my hair. I looked for a straightener, which I usually have to use to make my hair shiny and silky, but didn't find one. I checked myself/Sookie in the mirror and really, I didn't need to do anything to my/her hair. It already looked healthy and glossy. It must be the fairy genetics. That's so not fair.
I put my hair into the oh-so-famous pony tail. She doesn't really need make up. Her complexion is flawless. Again, I say that's not even fair. I simply applied a little mascara and lip gloss after I brushed my/our(?) teeth, and I was ready to go. I felt like it was Halloween and I had the most awesome Sookie Stackhouse costume EVER.
I still had some time to kill, so I went downstairs to have some of Gran's pecan pie. I'd been way too full to have some after lunch; my food needed to 'settle' before stuffing myself further. Sookie's waistline may not survive the combination of Gran's cooking and my appetite for said cooking.
Her pecan pie was sugary sweet and buttery as hell. The pecans were toasted just right and the crust was flakey and just de-li-cious! It was like an orgasm in my mouth. Tee hee. Pie this good should be a sin. Maybe it is…gluttony anyone?
I chased the pie with a tall glass of whole milk (no skim here) and I was ready to go. I searched for Sookie's purse and found it by the back door. I told Gran goodbye, kissed her on the cheek and set off to find Sookie's car.
Let me tell you, Sookie's car looks like a piece of shit on TV, but you have no idea! The undercarriage appears to be so rusted that I thought I could probably get to work Flintstones style. I could put my feet through the floor board easy-peasy-lemon-squeezey.
It took a few tries to get it to come to life (if you can even call it that). That's another thing to put on the list. Get Sookie a new freaking car!
I bounced so hard down the long driveway that I thought Gran's pecan pie was going to make a second appearance. Yet one more item for the list! Fix the damn drive!
When I got to Hummingbird Road, I stopped and realized I have absolutely no fucking idea how to get to Merlotte's. It can't be that hard, right? Bon Temps is a hole in the wall podunk town, not unlike mine.
I took a wild guess and turned right onto Hummingbird Road. I wish my house was on a cool named road like Hummingbird. Old Mill Road just doesn't have the same ring to it. I drove about three and a half miles and after passing an old yellow/brown trailer (probably used to be white) and a service station, and then I saw the neon sign for Merlotte's.
I couldn't believe it. I was about to enter Merlotte's! As Sookie-freakin'-Stackhouse! Wouldn't you be stoked?
I pulled around back to the employee parking lot. I knew it was the employee lot because I could see Sam's trailer beside it. That's the same trailer where he and Tara would eventually do the horizontal mambo. It was just on the other side of the parking lot from the back entrance of the bar. I parked the car and in I went. I stood just inside the doorway while I got my "shields" up. After that, all I could hear were my own thoughts and the chatter and noise of the bar. That's not too bad.
I entered into a small hallway. On one side were a stock room and then the kitchen. On the other side was an office (Sam's I assume) and then the bathrooms. The door to the office was open so I stowed Sookie's purse in the bottom drawer like she does in the books. I couln't remember where she puts it on the show. Now, where the hell do I get an apron? Oh, there they are. The little half aprons were in a card board box with the top cut off sitting on the floor next to the door. Redneck much? I put on an apron, found an order pad and pen on the desk and headed towards the front of the bar.
As I was walking past the kitchen I heard "It's Rainin' Men" by whoever the hell sings it. That could only mean one thing….Lafayette! I got so excited I almost peed my pants.
I stepped in and watched THE Lafayette Reynolds chopping veggies and shakin' that ass. My eyes were probably about to pop outta my head. I'm sure I had the Crazy Sookie Smile going, too, but it was genuine glee! I don't know how long I stood there staring a poor Lala, but he finally looked up at me. "Hookah, whatchu lookin' at?" He pretty much thought the same words that came out of his mouth.
"You are so fucking awesome!" Okay, that most likely wierded him the fuck out. Janie, get a hold of yourself, girl! Be cool. Be cool.
"Well you know that, and I know that. Those stupid mother fuckers out there is just too damn inbred to recognize greatness when they sees it." See, he is awesome!
"You got that right, Lala." Ha, I called him Lala! I'd crossed over into 'fangirl' territory a long time ago.
I quickly exited the kitchen before I made an even bigger fool of myself and made it to the actual bar itself. I ran smack dab into Arlene Fowler in all her bad dye job glory. "Where the hell have you been? You're five minutes late." Really? She's gonna bitch at me about five freaking minutes? How many times has Sookie covered for her skinny ass because Coby or Lisa was sick? This isn't even Sookie's shift. She's just doing Sam a favor. Sookie would probably just grin real big and apologize, but she's not here now is she?
"Fuck you, Arlene. Next time you need someone to cover for your ass or babysit your kids, don't call me. 'Kay?" She just looked at me like I'd grown an extra head. Trashy ass bitch.
I walked on past Arlene with my nose in the air and a wiggle in my walk. I turned and who do you think I saw? Tara freakin' Thorton. Wow, she really is an angry woman. "Hey, bitch. How you doin'?" Okay, must tread carefully around Tara. She scares me.
"Ummm, I'm good. You?"
"I'm better since I quit that shit job I had. By the way, 'bout time you told that trashy ass bitch 'bout herself." That's right, she quit a job at a department store and got a job at Merlotte's tending bar.
"Well, why don't you ask Sam for a job here?"
"Did I hear my name?" It was Sam! He's really not bad lookin' at all. I mean he's not Godric or Eric, but he's still hot. He's got that messy hair look goin' on. Although he does usually look a bit confused or perturbed.
"Tara needs a job and we always need help here. Why don't you two talk it over while I get to work?" Tara was looking at me with her mouth open, like I'd butted into her business, which I had. Like a coward, I rushed off to avoid any confrontation with her; she is very confrontational.
I figured out which was my section and got right to work. I busted my ass, too. The after-work crowd came in and had a few. Then the dinner crowd came in to eat and have a few as well. I got to see Hoyt, Jason (who didn't really say much to me, what a shitty brother), Rene (sick mother fucker), Bud, Andy, Kevin, and Kenya. It looked like the whole Bon Temp cast was present and accounted for, except HIM. You know who I mean. Grrr.
The bar thinned temporarily around nine. I had a bit of time to catch up on some side work. I was filling salt and pepper shakers when the few stragglers went completely silent. Uh oh, I knew what that meant.
Vampire Bill had entered the building.
