A/N: Thank you so much for your feedback on the first chapter. You are all so kind, as usual.
I just want to say that while any kind of therapy is serious business. and I am not downplaying that by any means, those of you who know me realize that my stories are of the happily ever after theme….ALWAYS. I will be making these therapy sessions more enlightening than anything else.
Therapy
Chapter 2-Yearning and Anger
Traci had had just about enough of the front desk for today. She was so anxious about her meeting with the shrink that she couldn't stop checking the clock and willing it to turn to six. She had 7 minutes left before she could hit the locker room and change. Andy had escorted a brother and sister to the detective's office so they could file a missing person's report on their elderly mother. Traci had taken their initial information but knew that Andy volunteered to take them upstairs, just so she wouldn't have to. Even though Jerry's stuff had been packed away neatly in a box and no one was currently using his desk, it was still upsetting for her to go in that room, thus the reason she asked to be back in uniform. Her appointment was at 6:45 and she wanted to get in a quick shower before the doc got there. She was finishing up paperwork to turn in to the permit division when a well-dressed woman in her early 30's approached her.
"Can I help you?" Traci asked.
"Actually, I'm hoping I can help you. You are Traci Nash right?"
"Yes I am."
"I know I'm a little early. I'm Dr. Donohue, the department psych. We spoke this morning?"
As much as Traci had been thinking about her appointment all day, it took a minute to register what the woman was saying.
"Oh….yes, of course. Dr. Donohue, nice to meet you." She extended her hand. "Can I get you anything? Coffee? Tea? A bottle of water?"
"No thanks, nothing right now but please, do call me Jane."
"Ok Jane. My shift is just ending, I was hoping to grab a quick shower and…."
"Traci, take your time. I'm gonna pop in to visit Sgt. Best. I'm just dying to see those baby pictures, plus I have some notes to dictate. I will meet you in one of the ante rooms. Come find me whenever you're done."
"Sounds good." Traci turned and headed for the women's locker room.
Andy was sitting on the bench in front of her locker lacing up her boot when Traci walked in.
"Hey Andy, Thanks for taking that last couple for me."
"No problem. Don't think I didn't notice all the times you ran interference for me when I was trying to avoid Luke."
Traci smiled then paused, "She's here."
"Who's here?" Andy looked at her curiously.
"The shrink."
"Oh. Let me guess, old with glasses, a big wart and very condescending tone?" she asked with a scrunched up face.
Traci shook her head. "No,… actually she's young, pretty and seems really nice."
"Well that's great. You're gonna do great and tomorrow we can compare all of our juicy details."
"Okay. Can't wait to hear about your meeting. See you tomorrow."
"Night." Andy grabbed her bag and headed to the parking lot but not before passing Sam and Oliver right outside the sally port.
"Hey McNally." Oliver called to her. "You need a ride home?"
Sam looked over to hear her reply. Her eyes met his for the briefest of moments before she looked back to Oliver.
"Thanks Oliver. Have somewhere to go and it's not far away so I think I'll just walk."
"Okay. Have a good night."
"You too."
Sam didn't want to think where she might be going or more importantly who she might be going with. God he was an idiot.
A half hour later Andy stood in front of St. Michael's church. She remembered the first time she had been here dropping off her dad for his first AA meeting. It was the first step to him getting well. It was a new beginning for him and she couldn't help but think that a new beginning sounded pretty good about now. She took a deep breath and headed through the doors. She took a quick glance down at her watch and realized that she had taken a bit longer to get there than she realized. She raced down the stairs two at a time to the church basement. There were three meeting rooms. The first two were empty and she quietly snuck in the door to the third and grabbed the first seat she saw. Folding chairs were set up in a large circle, she was a few chairs away from the only person with a name tag on. John
"Hi there." Said John. He looked to be somewhere in his 30's, fit but not very muscular, average height with short blonde hair and a smile that made Andy think,this might not be too bad.
"Hi." She said quietly trying to mask the blush that was filling in her face as she felt multiple sets of eyes on her.
"I see we have a few newcomers tonight so I will introduce myself. My name is John Manning. I am a licensed mental health counselor. I specialize in family and bereavement counseling. Generally, we go around the room at each meeting, you can tell us your name, ….or not, and you can talk as much or as little as you want. We aren't here to pass judgment or tell you what to do. We're here to listen and help you get past whatever road block is in your way. However, if you ever feel the need to talk privately feel free to ask me. Ok? So why don't we get started?"
Andy followed each face and heard each voice but was only getting pieces of stories. The person would talk for a few minutes. Sad people, frustrated people, angry people. She kept thinking of her own situation and how on paper her story while different still had her feeling all the same emotions. She snapped herself out of the daze and started to formulate, in her own mind, what she was going to say to this group of complete strangers. She felt her heart beating faster as she heard the guy to her right briefly mention that his name was Joe and after his dad passed away he turned to drugs to cope and is now required to be in attendance, by the city of Toronto. It was Andy's turn.
She gave a quick clear of the throat before she stuttered out her name.
"Hey, …Hi..I'm Andy. I'm a TPS officer, my job is requiring me to be here …but really,… I kinda know I need to be here. A colleague of mine was killed in the line of duty a few weeks ago. ….Well, he was actually more than just a colleague, he was a friend….and my best friend's fiancée and my boyfriend's.….well ex-boyfriend's best friend….." She rambled.
She fought hard to hold back the emotions that were threatening to come out of her. She glanced back to the counselor and gave a timid smile, ….." I feel like if maybe I had done something differently, he might still be here. My friend wouldn't be so sad and I wouldn't spend every day wishing that I could go back in time so things would be ….normal. I miss….my normal life." Andy felt her face betray her as a tear rolled down her cheek. She didn't want to say anymore. She wiped her eyes on her sweatshirt sleeve and slouched back in her chair. John gave her a warm smile.
"That was a great start Andy, thank you for sharing with us."
She didn't want to turn into a weepy mess on her first day of therapy so she pulled herself together and tried to focus on the people around her and their stories. Had she not been so wrapped up in her own mess she might have noticed the familiar face that had consumed her dreams for the greater part of two years. The face that belonged to the man she loved. Sam looked over to her and met her eyes ever so briefly before she looked away. He had seen the look of surprise and realized in her haste she hadn't even noticed him in the room. He listened to the man next to him talk about his son who had committed suicide and how he wished that he would have noticed something so that he would have reached out before it was too late. Unfortunately hindsight is twenty twenty. Sam knew that all too well.
He was snapped out of his daze by a voice.
"Did you want to tell us a little something about yourself today?" asked John.
Sam leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees and his hands clasped together. He expelled a breath.
"Yeah, …..Right, um…my name's …JD." From the corner of his eye he saw Andy's head snap up. "I lost my….. brother recently. I miss him and I have not been dealing with it well at all. I actually find myself angry that he's not here. I spend too much time drinking, just not to feel anything. I've pushed my friends away and I'm pretty sure I've destroyed my relationship with the only woman I've ever loved."
Andy couldn't hide the sharp intake of breath that escaped but tried to mask it with a cough. She glanced over to Sam who was now fiddling with the band of his watch before he sat back in his chair. That was enough of a share for him tonight. The remaining few people had their say before John got up and started to walk around the room. He described the stages of grief, the first being shock and denial. Andy remembered being numb at the hospital and the days following. She recalled Traci's disbelief and the fact that even though she got to see Jerry one last time, she still couldn't believe he was dead. Andy thoughts returned to the present and felt a small sense of relief that she was three weeks removed from that day. She heard John now talking about the second stage of grief, yearning and anger. This sounded the most like what she was currently feeling.
"Your heart aches for what you have lost, and when you realize that the situation can't be changed, it is normal to feel angry." He continued by saying, "No matter how hard you try to shut the door on them, these feelings are gonna come knocking. "Some stages may last longer than others and everyone's healing process is different. Just remember, you aren't here to forget your loved ones and the pain will never completely go away, but …..You will learn to accept it and learn to live with what you can't change. Thank you for finding the strength to come here tonight and share with us. Great session everyone, I will see you all next Wednesday."
The group started to gather their belongings and file out of the room. Some stayed back to talk with such familiarity that told Andy that they had been coming to these meetings for quite some time. Andy grabbed up her duty bag and headed for the stairs, noticing Sam was already gone. She felt the disappointment and hoped that her face did not show it. She buttoned up her coat before exiting through the church doors into the cold night air and headed in the direction of her condo, not quite a mile away. After merely a block, she started cursing herself for not breaking down and buying a car, specifically for nights like these. She was so lost in her own thoughts that she barely noticed they grey pickup truck slowly riding next to her.
"Hey McNally." Sam called out, loud enough for her to hear but still not loud enough to bring attention to them.
"Yeah?" she knew exactly who it was before turning her huddled form toward him.
"Can I give you a ride home?"
"No thanks. I'm fine." She answered firm but polite.
"Andy, just get in the truck, it's only a ride. You don't even have to talk to me, but it's freezing so just …please get in."
The truth was that it was freezing and she was tired. Physically and emotionally. She hesitated for a moment and then without saying a word, she opened the cab door and placed her duffle bag in between them on the front seat. She strapped in and let her head fall against the headrest.
After what seemed like an eternity she spoke. "I didn't even see you sitting there."
"Huh?" he looked over to her.
"At the meeting, I didn't even notice you were there until they guy next to you started talking." She continued
"Yeah, …..You did look a bit surprised… I didn't know you were gonna be there. I'm sure I can find another meeting …if you don't want me there."
"It's….whatever. We only have to be there five more times. We'll survive."
The silence returned until they pulled up at Andy's building.
Andy uttered a quiet thank you as she hopped down from the cab and slowly headed up the walkway to the entrance. Sam opened the passenger window and called to her. Her shoulders slumped as she slowly turned to look at him. "It's not your fault…..about Jerry. I never thought that. I feel terrible that I actually let you think that, even for a second." Andy bit her bottom lip and took a few steps back to his truck.
"You know what's really terrible Sam? It's that you shared more about yourself tonight to a room full of strangers than you ever did with me." With a shrug of her shoulders she turned to walk away.
Sam's gut was telling him to drive away but his heart was telling him to go after her. He decided that his gut is what got him into this mess in the first place. He quickly shut off the truck and jogged over to catch up with her.
"Andy wait." She was surprised to see him standing there; it took a second to register.
"You're right…. I didn't share a lot about myself. You wanted us to share our lives and it was a one way street. I'm sorry Andy, I truly am. Please give me a chance to make it up to you."
"I appreciate what you're trying to do but it's been a long day and I just want to take a shower and go to bed. Can we maybe talk about this tomorrow?"
"Oh sure, of course."
"Night Sam." She gave him a small smile.
"Night."
Andy wrapped a towel around her body. She slowly dried off and got into pajamas, her mind going a mile a minute. Andy was torn between two frustrations. As if It wasn't bad enough that her best friend was dealing with such heartache that Andy didn't know what to do for her, what compounded things was that her own heart was aching as well and no matter what she tried she just didn't know what to do to move past that. Here she was spilling her guts about Jerry and wishing things were normal but if she was being completely honest, if she got right down to the root of her problems, she was really just missing her life with Sam. She had felt for him what she had never felt before, it was all consuming. As she thought back to the meeting and then the ride home, two things struck her. One was the sincerity of his plea, he actually seemed like he wanted to work on things. She wasn't sure that he even deserved a chance after the way he had treated her but he did sound like he meant it and God knows that's all that she had hoped for. The second though, the really big one, was that he loved her. Not that he had actually come out and said it outright but he had admitted as much. It was a start and maybe a chance at rebuilding things between them but it would be a long road before the bridge he'd burned was rebuilt again.
"Morning Shaw."
"Morning Sammy boy, wait…..is that a hint of a smile I see?"
Sam hung his head and blew out a breath.
"What? I can't smile now?"
"Apparently your meeting went well or you met someone there?"
"It was ok but yes I did meet someone there."
"Seriously Sam, don't you think it's a little soon aft…."
"Brunette, brown eyes, passionate about hating me right now."
"You've gotta be kidding, McNally?"
"Yep."
"What are the chances?"
"I dunno, but thinking of playing the lottery today, that's for sure."
"Did you get to talk to her?"
"I drove her home. I'm pretty sure she's still not my biggest fan but at least she didn't throw anything at me."
"Did you tell her that you were an idiot and you've been a lost puppy without her?"
"I shared… a little, but I think she was a little overwhelmed after the meeting. We agreed to talk another time."
"Baby steps Sam. Good for you."
"So, how about you, how was your meeting with the priest?"
"Come on, you know that's confidential. I can't tell you anything he said."
"You idiot, he can't tell me what you said."
"Riiiiight. Well, I told him about Jerry and how shitty I feel that he's not here and how terrible I am that I never really told him how glad I was to have him as my friend. How thankful I was to have a place to stay when Zoe kicked me out and how every day I struggle to be half the man that he was."
"Wow. What did he say?"
"Oh you know, there are stages of grief, Jerry is in a better place, and I have to live for the living. Take care of those he left behind." He paused. "Ya know Sam, all this admitting of feelings….yikes, I think we both might have to grow up a little after this."
"What?" he feigned shock..." Ok maybe a little but not yet. Let's get to parade."
Andy and Traci took their normal seats up front right next to each other. They listened to Frank read off the car assignments knowing full well that they would not be named. Once again they were assigned to the front desk. They passed Sam and Oliver at the back of the room.
"Morning ladies." Said Oliver
"Nash, McNally." Sam said with a nod.
Tracy walked ahead and Andy stopped briefly. "Morning Oliver, Sam." And she walked by. Sam couldn't stop the smile from forming on his face. At least she was acknowledging him.
Traci grabbed Andy's arm, "Are you guys talking now?"
"Kind of. We were at the same meeting last night."
"Oh crap. Seriously? Are you going to find a different group now?"
"It wasn't awful. I didn't even realize he was there at first. We are both adults…sort of. We can stick it out for a while."
"Did he even talk? I can't picture Swarek sharing in a group."
"Actually, he did share. It was very…enlightening."
"Come on Andy, spill." She dragged her over to the empty break room.
"Trace, I can't. I would feel funny talking about it…..but I will tell you one thing…..he said he loved me."
"Shut the front door!" Traci exclaimed in disbelief.
Andy giggled, "Not outright but he said he's pretty sure that he screwed up his relationship with the only woman he's ever loved."
"Wow."
"Yeah, I know." Andy smiled. "So, how was your meeting with the shrink?"
"She's really nice. Told me flat out that things are gonna suck for a while. Shocker. She said that it's normal to be frustrated and angry right now. And she mentioned that it's probably not a good idea to make any big decisions while things are so fresh. Most importantly it's important not to look long term, just live day to day right now but I will get through this."
"Sounds like good advice Trace." Andy said as she grabbed their coffees and headed for the front desk.
Traci nudged Andy's shoulder, "For both of us."
Just want to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas. Much love from New York!...Lisa
